Starting Over Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 I've finally decided to move on from a relationship that ended on memorial day weekend. it's been so tough. I miss him. I recently decide to not keep in touch with him anymore. That was the hardest. But I think its the right thing to do. Not so that I can change his mind, I can't do that. But so that I can get on with my life, and stop hanging on. i read this book, "He's Just Not That Into You". I was shocked when a friend got it for me...I thought, how mean is that?!! But after reading it, I realized it's about having self-respect, not trying to figure out or fix your ex, and just moving on so that you can meet someone who will be So Into You that he'll treat you right, won't break up with you, and eventually want to marry you. it's written with a bit of humor, and that helps the medicine go down a bit easier. It talks about all the stories we hear of people breaking up and then getting back together and living happily ever after. the author says to ignore these stories and realize they are the exception, not the rule. We should think of ourselves as exceptional, but not the exception. We are the rule, usually a break up is just that. A break up. He also adds that if, by chance, your ex does change his/her mind and want to get back together, it should sound like this "I've made a mistake, I'm sorry, can we try again?" rather than "hey, i miss u, want to hang out sometime? I need a date for my cousin George's wedding". The author says that there are very few boys who are so confused, busy, etc that they won't put effort into making their relationship work, if they are really into you. So if you are getting excuses, by all means, move on! It's a good book. We ought all to remember just how into ourselves we ought to be, and treat ourselves as cherished. Because we are. it's still hard and sad to get over my ex. But that's to be expected, our lives were molded together. And he bailed. My life is so precious that I'm not going to mold it with another's until i KNOW they are in it for the long run, in other words, there is a ring on my finger and he has stood in front of a priest and said I do, now and forever, better or worse, sickness and health. Rather than, hey, this fits into my life right now, as long as it doesn't get too complicated. We all deserve that kind of committment. We don't deserve what we've gotten. And what has happened is NOT a reflection of our self-worth. It's a reflection of someone simply changing their mind. And that's okay. Change your mind, exboyfriend. And watch my back as I walk away and toward something better. Because I still love myself. And I know that others do too. And I wish you all the best in your future too. God Bless. Hope this offers some comfort to you too...and some motivation to see your own value and keep walking on!! Love, Starting Over (at last)
moimeme Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 What a terrific post! Congratulations on your new resolve and very best of luck in Starting Over
Just Visiting Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 Hey Starting Over....I saw the book on Oprah last week and intrigued to pick it up. Sounds like a good read and a great way to appreciate ourselves as women. I broke up with my ex and it devastated me. For the longest time I would wonder what was wrong with ME in why he was hiding and lying to me. My self-esteem took a severe blow. But I have been moving on and would like to learn where I could improve with relationships. So good for you! It's an awesome post.
Merin Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 Originally posted by Starting Over I've finally decided to move on from a relationship that ended on memorial day weekend. it's been so tough. I miss him. I recently decide to not keep in touch with him anymore. That was the hardest. But I think its the right thing to do. Not so that I can change his mind, I can't do that. But so that I can get on with my life, and stop hanging on. i read this book, "He's Just Not That Into You". I was shocked when a friend got it for me...I thought, how mean is that?!! But after reading it, I realized it's about having self-respect, not trying to figure out or fix your ex, and just moving on so that you can meet someone who will be So Into You that he'll treat you right, won't break up with you, and eventually want to marry you. it's written with a bit of humor, and that helps the medicine go down a bit easier. It talks about all the stories we hear of people breaking up and then getting back together and living happily ever after. the author says to ignore these stories and realize they are the exception, not the rule. We should think of ourselves as exceptional, but not the exception. We are the rule, usually a break up is just that. A break up. He also adds that if, by chance, your ex does change his/her mind and want to get back together, it should sound like this "I've made a mistake, I'm sorry, can we try again?" rather than "hey, i miss u, want to hang out sometime? I need a date for my cousin George's wedding". The author says that there are very few boys who are so confused, busy, etc that they won't put effort into making their relationship work, if they are really into you. So if you are getting excuses, by all means, move on! It's a good book. We ought all to remember just how into ourselves we ought to be, and treat ourselves as cherished. Because we are. it's still hard and sad to get over my ex. But that's to be expected, our lives were molded together. And he bailed. My life is so precious that I'm not going to mold it with another's until i KNOW they are in it for the long run, in other words, there is a ring on my finger and he has stood in front of a priest and said I do, now and forever, better or worse, sickness and health. Rather than, hey, this fits into my life right now, as long as it doesn't get too complicated. We all deserve that kind of committment. We don't deserve what we've gotten. And what has happened is NOT a reflection of our self-worth. It's a reflection of someone simply changing their mind. And that's okay. Change your mind, exboyfriend. And watch my back as I walk away and toward something better. Because I still love myself. And I know that others do too. And I wish you all the best in your future too. God Bless. Hope this offers some comfort to you too...and some motivation to see your own value and keep walking on!! Love, Starting Over (at last) I've read the book myself... like you I found it to be very empowering. My best wishes to you
Good heart Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 Wow, this is the best posting I ever read on this list and I think it is the most realistic and the most comprehensive one. my girfriend broke up with me 1 week after memorial day and I tried 3 times to get her back and she came back but then dumped me again 3 times , I was into her but she was not. I gave up a month ago after realising that basically once somebody breaks up with you it will become a trend even if they come back and the relationship will always be filled with resentement and the ex-dumpee will be very careful and on the guard and the ex dumper behaving arrogantly knowing that he-she holding the sword on the relationship. I totally agree with your post, a lot of people lose their dignity every day because of their relationships but the problem is that people will not be fully convinced unless they pass through the ordeal and a book will not change that , life is a long maturity process and pain is an essential component of maturity.
myrnaday Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 I've been thinking of reading this book also. I know one thing, after 19 years, he's just not that into me.
chicothechimp Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684868784/qid=1099113671/sr=8-2/ref=pd_csp_2/103-0341195-7313403?v=glance&books&n=507846 The book is called "How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women" by Terrence Real. It contains real stories from his clients as well as insight from the vast reading/learning he has engaged in. Powerful stuff that addresses women and men. Very potent book. His other book on nale depression is equally potent! Chico
head/heels Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 Starting Over ...........WOW! great post!.............WILL YOU MARRY ME? No really, will you?
Layzie1207 Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 what about if you are the reason the other person decided to leave? and make the change to become a better person because of it. no offense, but i think that i wouldnt want to move on from someone who loved me if they had good reason to not like who i was. in my case i treated my girlfriend bad and took her for granted for a long time and eventually it was enough. i can only see this applying if i loved her with all my heart and i treated her right and then she broke up with me.
aJoy Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 First of all: Starting Over, YOU ROCK!!! I love this site, and you just made my day! I heard about that book on Oprah the other day... actually a few weeks ago... I thought about getting it but I think what I read on the site and your post will suffice, as I'm already coming with you on the moving on part. Great post!!! And congratulations, we all need it when we make that transition from dying and suffering to, a deep breath and the realization that one person does not make or break you, someone else will appreciate what you have to offer. And I too, am not giving 110% of myself to anyone again until I KNOW for sure ... done playing wifey to a boyfriend. Thanks again... and GOD BLESS YOU! !!!! Layzie1207: in your case, if you wanted your ex back after mistreating her, you should inform her of how you feel... and if she does not accept then, take it as a lesson learned and treat your next girlfriend the way you feel you should. It's a learning experience if it doesn't work out, and a learning experience if it does, either way.
myrnaday Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 Thanks Chicothechimp, but after many many many years of trying to make it work, I just don't have the strength anymore. I must have read just about every book related to our topic, sought counseling, talked till I'm blue in the face, you name it and I've done it, with the exception of just walking away. It's the only thing left, in order to have some small amount of dignity left. Sometimes no matter what you do, the situation does not change. The only option left is to change yourself. Not as easy as I'd like it to be, but one of my strengths and weaknesses is determination. I'm no longer determined to making an unfullfilling relationship work. I am determined to get through this difficult time, and know I'll come out on the other end a better, stronger, more loving person.
dazed and confused Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 Great post! I'm so glad that you are "Starting over", and with this new sense of lifestyle, you will feel much accomplishment! The best feeling in the world is seeing the ex you used to pine over and not feel anything at all ! Remember, moving on, starting over, etc... all takes time. Nothing is accomplished overnight or over a week, it takes a lot of time, but you are certainly getting there. Thanks a lot for the post and keep us updated on your status... congradulations and good luck!
Author Starting Over Posted November 17, 2004 Author Posted November 17, 2004 Thanks for all the great replies..... I'm glad a lot of you have seen the book. I wanted to respond to what Layzie said about "what if we are the reason our ex's broke up with us and we need to change our behavior?". I think that the book might come across as a "black & white" solution. We all know that relationships are much more complex than that. For me, I know that part of the reason we broke up is because I really smothered him to a degree. I tried not to, but I just felt like he had become the center of my universe-- that's too much pressure for anyone to bear. So, I'm trying to change that about myself. Also, I'm trying to take relationships a little slower. But, the "rules" of the book still apply.... For instance, when we broke up, I pleaded my case and apologized for what I did wrong...but as the book says, breaking up is not a democratic decision, it's not usually open to debate. It's one person's decision, that we, unfortunately, are forced to live with. Also, my boyfriend did not handle the break up well...he broke up with me via EMAIL. The authors of the book would respond that I ought to seek out someone that treats me better than that- and I agree. He wasn't ready for a mature relationship if he could only communicate via email. It's really about having Self-Respect and Letting Go. So...have I been practicing what I preached? Like the last writer said, it doesn't happen overnight and it takes time. Overall, my mood has improved, and I don't talk to him or harbor any hopes of us getting back together. I have "let it go" in that sense. But, at the same time, gosh, do I ever miss him sometimes!! Just this morning I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't sleep b/c I had dreamt of him- and it was like seeing him-- and it was kind of disturbing. In some ways, I wish we had remained friends because I feel like he died-- my friend said to me the other day, "well, you feel that way because he just sort of 'vanished'". And I agree. He did. I have faith that time will pass and I will continue to heal. Suffering is our wisest teacher unfortunately. I wish you all the best! Stephanie
mischafan160 Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 You know, the day Oprah was talking about that book on her show...two hours later my boyfriend called to break up with me. How's THAT for irony?! I actually just read the book today, and it does make sense but it tells you stuff you don't want to hear. But probably stuff you need to hear. It was hilarious too.
sandra parker Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Hi everyone, I went out and bought the book and read it in an hour. I have passed it along to others. Although it had a lot of good things to say, to me it is like going to a therapist. You hear all you need to hear, but you have to do the work. Everything sounds really good but it is good to be aware that there are no magic wands in life and we need to dig deep and take it one day at a time in order to to move on. It doesn't matter why they left, they did and it hurts. These posts are life savers to me and we will prevail and move on. Sandra
head/heels Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 about why spoused stray or leave a relationiship! it helped me to understand more of what both sides might find attractive in a possible mate (for the future) and vice versa! 5 reasons as to: Why Spouses Stray Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, what would you do to prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is: "I'd lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe." Or, "I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts." Or, "I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it." If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: you're on the wrong track. According to Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Morrie Shechtman, you've bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place. "Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse," says Shechtman, coauthor along with his wife and business partner, Arleah, of Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage (Bull Publishing Company, 2004). "Despite the cliches -- the midlife crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance -- that's not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words." "You have to keep reminding him how lucky he is to have you," says Sherry Argov, author of Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl: A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (Adams Media Corporation, 2002). "All the propaganda in the world tells us 'keep your man,' 'hold on to your man,' 'jump through hoops for your man,' but your attitude should be 'If you want to go, I'll help you pack'...Healthy mutual respect is the best immune system in a relationship." "That's right," adds Shechtman. He says that the harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well...boring. So, focusing on your appearance or attempting to please your partner completely misses the point. 5 Warning Signs Shechtman offers the following warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair: 1. You don't challenge each other. Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude can be condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so. 2. You and your partner have become an amoeba. Getting married does not mean morphing into a single person with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. "If your partner is not allowed to have a life of her own, she will eventually become resentful," says Shechtman. "Similarly, if you're over-interested in her life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, she will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people having independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance marriages." 3. One person selflessly lives for the other. Shechtman likes to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a disheveled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. "Selfless devotion is boring," says Shechtman. "Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. And by failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard of that." "Having a life of your own is important," says Argov. "When you have your own sense of income and independence, and feel that you can be with or without him, he will smell it and he'll treat you differently." 4. Everything centers on your children. It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance. "Even with young kids, a couple must take private time for themselves," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of five books on love and relationships, and professor of sociology at the University of Washington. "Make a rule that you don't talk about the kids until you download your adult issues and experiences for the day together. Keep kid talk out of the bedroom." 5. You don't have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Does the question, "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication. "Talk to him in a playful way," says Argov. "Banter with him. Be a little sassy and keep it short and sweet. Save the emotional talk for things that are very important to you, and let the rest go -- because when you do raise hell, he has to believe there's merit to it." Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought it was sex!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: it centers on feelings, not information. "Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel," says Shechtman. "Even if you have only 10 minutes a day to talk to her, make those 10 minutes count." Affair-Proof Your Marriage Most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to be all he or she can be, if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be an uninterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship. So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words, says Shechtman: Get a life. "Have your own friends," says Dr. Schwartz. "Have a job and hobbies you really care about. Don't cancel everything on the spot just because your partner wants you for something -- show that you have boundaries, commitments, and don't just exist for him. Read, read, read! And then talk about books, articles, movies, and news together. Develop an adventurous relationship based on trips, projects, and hobbies." "Set goals and work toward them," Shechtman urges. "Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don't just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks. And challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn't about comfort zones and status quos. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die." "This is not the '50s anymore," says Argov. "Men tend to view women who don't have goals and objectives as being deadbeat. When they're going to work everyday and pulling all the weight in the relationship, they really begin to resent it when you don't make a contribution." "There's one other point I would make," Shechtman adds. "Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you would be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people just have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. There are no guarantees in marriage. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself."
mischafan160 Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 What a great article, thanks so much for posting! It's really true. I believe the demise of my relationship occurred when he became the best part of my life...before that I had always been independent and busy, and I think that's what attracts people. I only wish I knew how to reverse the damage now that I understand what went wrong.
head/heels Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 I wish she could see me now....i am back in the same town as my friends, i got a new car, am going out and having fun, went to haiti on a medical trip, accepted to medical school, and got a great job until then...and i was a great and thoughtful bf if I do say so my damnn self...and i have lost 25 lbs (which i picked up over the course of our 4 year relationship (she picked up 15lb) and i have put 5 lbs of muscle back on through working out!) and i wish i could say that i am not looking back, but i think i still am coping with the whole shock of it all and thinking she is going to realize that she is in a phase that she is only going to get worse in (self esteem issues that i thought she had solved - but she bottled them up -like everything she does)...oh well ...i have to keep on keeping on...but a great article is right! chin up, i am working hard on an reverse mechanism pharmaceutical drug (related to my job) and it will turn back time....dont hold breath though!
MelodyJ Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 head/heels: you mean like a "fountain of youth" drug? If so, keep working hard, I refuse to look my age no matter what!
DoggyDog Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 It was "ME" I just know that caused him to end our relationship...He told me "he wasn't good for me" and he was holding me back and couldn't make a commitment. But truly I think I wasn't good for him...I was "needy"...but that's what happens I guess after 20 yrs in LDR and your looking for reassurance of his love....plus I was getting more demanding and making untrusting judgements...So it is "MY" fault...he said he was overwhelmed but didn't say why..."ME"??? I just know. So I keep telling myself that I couldn't help it....and probably it's best this way...I made a promise to myself I willl "NEVER" get into a MM or LDR again in my life....I'll be alone first rather than have the feeling always of distrust in someone I love. I'll hurt for a long time I know...but I can't keep beating myself up....right? L DD
Author Starting Over Posted December 13, 2004 Author Posted December 13, 2004 I think you are definitely right. The answer is just the opposite-- stop beating yourself up. I am guilty of the same crimes...the neediness, giving too much of myself. At least, I think that is the truth. It's so hard to say. I know that I need to have my own life. I clung on to my ex as though he were my new life. What pressure for anyone. He was my encouragement, my social planner, my advisor..... I remember a few days before our breakup I went on this long rant to him about all of his qualities that I admire and he said "will you stop, please?" I guess he knew what was coming, or he was sick of my boyfriend worship. I just finished watching the Survivor finale. During this year's season, one of the guys double-crosses two girls that he swore his fidelity to. And they forgave him because he charmed them into it. It seems to me that they didn't have the self-respect to expect better treatment. I think its about self-respect. So, take care of yourself. Continue to treat your mates with honesty and respect and faithfulness, but only when they've earned it. I wonder if there's not more to the story. Were you insecure because he never gave you cause to feel secure with him perhaps? Find the man that cherishes you like a treasure. And, as cliche as it is, first acknowledge to yourself and to others that you are a treasure. Because you are.
Patiently waiting Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 I do believe that my MM was "really that into me", he did tell me so, (even total strangers would comment on what they observed when they would meet us together) and although I know he may have said some of it to hang on to the fantasy, for the most part I think he meant what he said. We were not just lovers, but confidants and friends. We discussed far more than just how we were going to arrange our next encounter or how we longed to be together. We were best friends, and inseparable at work for nearly a year . I also believe that the reason we are not together had nothing to do with me not being worthy or worth leaving his marriage for. I know that he had a lot of guilt attached to his actions and also fear of the unknown. Fear of losing his children, fear of how his family would react.....Basically, he did the right thing by choosing his wife and children over me. He now has to deal with getting over me on his own. Because while I have my personal friends, and you guys here at LS to support me, he has virtually no one. What's worse, he has to hide his pain completely. I mean he can't let his wife know that he his mourning the loss of his mistress right? And while I think he may lack the ability to feel love deeply, I do think he has some feelings. So sometimes it isn't that they are "just not that into you", it's that they are already further "into something else" Maybe this book doesn't really apply to my situation since I'm not the primary relationship??? What do you guys think??? BTW, I think I'll pick up the book anyway........now I'm really interested since you all raved about it! I'm sure there is some advice in it that would be of help to me either way.
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