willi139 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I really need some guidance. My wife decided to separate about 12 weeks ago and moved out about 3 weeks ago.. We have been together since the age of 14 and now are 40. There are days she seems to want to work on us and days she does not want me to even come to the house "today I needed a little cat food and she made me meet her at the store" I know I need to leave her be but she just wont sit and talk out some sort of game plan, we still havent talked about her leaving. More recently I bought her a caladaugh ring as a sign of friendship..I noticed she took it off her right hand and placed it back on her ring finger meaning in Ireland she is married and her heart is closed. I asked strait up if I was reading to much into it and she said no, but still is very distant... Im not sure what to do..I feel like she will fall into another mans arms if I let go to much, her very close friend has a thing for her and they talk all the time..she keeps saying there is nothing between them that he is just a friend but she has lied about being with him..I only belive her because she has not filed for separation and she wears that ring on her ring finger... HELP!!
Kelemvor Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Man up, file for divorce which will call any and all bluffs, and get it going so you can move on with your life. It sounds like this has been coming on for awhile and chances are...she's already having or has had an affair with this guy. It's tough, it's painful... like all divorces, but believe me... there are plenty of women out there that can love you and give you a fulfilling and happy life, married or not. You are 40 and shouldn't be wasting any more years in futility if things are as bad as they sound. You need to be free so that you can get out there and find someone. I'm assuming you guys have tried the marital counseling thing and this isn't some sort of transient "valley" that you're both going through. You've never been away from her since 14, so the separation will be tough but you'll get through it and you'll be just fine.
Simpleoldschool Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 (edited) I would tell you this. if i may be bold enough to speak. considering the long-term invesment a quick decision doesnt seem to be a, right decision. I am going to go over some thing and i hope this helps. whether she ends up with another person, you can do nothing about that. it is my hope that such a thing doesnt happen but still, even so we must wait and see and not force our fears into actuality. i want you to play it cool but call it like you see it without a tone of voice that seems angry. i want you to be factual, and i also want you to be assertive when the time is nescesarry. as far as what i cant tell and i want you to just entertain this not take it as fact is, she wearing the ring for you to see and for other men to see, however with the friend gig. what man truly, just wants to be friends with a women he meets. i have said nothing in the way of what shes doing. the fact of friend over affair rests simply in whether or not these two people have known eachother for quite some time. even so, the possibility exists but for right now i want you to beilieve nothing is going on. dont chase ghosts without proof it only makes you feel worse. as far as its concerned there may be nothing between them now-but-later that may not be the case. for a time i want you to let go of this. or you can issue an ultimatum and make it sound sensible. you can say we have been toghether for x amount of years. i beilieve in my opinion having spent the greater part of our lives toghether we know alot about eachother but not too much that such a claim can be made.i want to see a future but i want to know what is wrong in order to even understand. i am not psychic so if i dont know the first thing to help would be telling me. it seems apparent to me that this is what is happening. if it is not happening and there is no relationship you are in with this other man than i expect this to be a marriage, like it is suppose to be and that you return no later than X date. this is out of the willingness i am going to consider this worth my time. i would enjoy if you came back, but if not then i will move on from this. you cannot control her response but, you can control yourself and make your own decision. a wifes place is by her husbands side and yours by hers. no matter what happened if she is not willing to talk about it, she isnt worth the time to worry over. i think its best that if she wishs to proceed then YOU must talk about it. plain and simple. no back-splashing from one moment to the next. regardless of whether or not she is confused she should have no reason to be. you are her husband plain and simple. there is no confusion allowed there, my friend. it depends on what you want to do in this. seeing in the evidence of the post, that it seems like you care i would suggest you care but not to the extent it over burdens you. this is simple. either she decides you two will work this out as two grown ADULTS or, you simply see no reason to try with someone who offers no oputunity of their own afforded to you. i dont know that is quite a sum of years. the largest ive heard for the most part so my couensel is, take this at your pace and with what you want in mind and aim for that. she shouldnt be playing around like she is the age you two met at. shes grown and she should understand being grown, you are responsible towards certain things not careless and frivilous like a tree in the wind. tell her you deserve respect out of the fact you invested as many years as you have and since you have stayed with this for so long she hasnt faced any problems you werent there for. Edited May 26, 2013 by Simpleoldschool
Author willi139 Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 Thank you for that..There are some things I cant really talk about due to judgements..She works with him and he himself is going through exactly what I am..I know at one point there may have been some contact betwwen them but we got through that and talked about it..I myself had a stumble many years ago while on SSRI's..I know its a bad excuse but once I stopped taking them I was mortified by what I had done... My biggest problem has been that Im OCD and get very obsessed with needing to know.. Her timing was also very bad..this January she allowed me to leave my job to pursue school full time..she then two weeks later decided to cut it of between us and left me jobless.. I moved in with my parents "whom live next door" and now that my home is empty I cant bring myself to stay there yet..I know this will all get better with time, I just really miss her and my daughter.
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