beek Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 Maybe I am paranoid, but I need some objective opinions. My daughter, 28 now, married last year after living with guy for 4 yrs. As she grew up, was teen, was in college, lived at home, talked to me about everything. We discussed any and everything. We had that daughter-mom relationship everyone envied. The night they moved away, 2 yrs before marriage, she called me crying, telling me she had made big mistake. Next day, I heard nothing. When I called her, it was like a pod person. She looks like my daughter, but there is nothing of her in there unless she drinks too much. Then she emerges as happy, optimistic young woman again. Otherwise, she is the unhappiest person I know. They have moved 3 times in these 5 yrs. When I go out of state to visit her, he calls her or she calls him every 15 minutes. After not seeing her for 4 months, I drove to see her and she took her radio and ear phones and listened to ball game, talking to me only sporadically, calling on the 15 minute to him. She has ditched all of her former friends and they are at a loss as to what has happened. She just changed too abruptly. Once, when she was here, with him, she and I talked of going shopping together. He got up from other room and literally ran to where we were and told her that he wanted to go to the store, would she go with him. She and I never went shopping. She has no contact with any old friends, but they moved this last time to be in same city as his best friend and wife. Those are her only friends now. She has only negative comments about her 3 siblings, caring not to even talk to them on phone. If she is here and one of them calls and I hand her the phone, she just lays it down and will not talk to them. There were no fights, no animosity, just doesn't want to talk. Maybe I am overly observant, but after Lacy Peterson and Lori Hacking, I just know that my daughter is not the person she was and I am scared. I know people change when they marry, but she has nothing of the old person left. She is totally a different person, sad, depressed, angry all the time. I don't know what to do or if there is anything to do. Can anyone advise me, please?
moimeme Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 Have you brought any of your concerns up with her?
kellydontwanttasleep Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 sounds scary. try to get to come and visit you alone, and try and do things with her alone.
Author beek Posted October 2, 2004 Author Posted October 2, 2004 She makes plans with me but always cancels them. I try to go to her house to visit her, but even with advance planning, day and time of day, she is always so mad at me when I get there. She has always said it was something else that made her mad, broke a vase, traffic, but it is me that she is angry at for coming there. She has hurt me so many times, I have left crying more than once. I just don't understand, this is not my daughter. I changed when I married, we all do, but not to a totally different person who is burning all links to her past. When I brought my concerns up once, she laughed at me and told me that he would never hurt her.
seahorse Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 Hi, From reading what you have written, and going on the facts that you have given us, it sounds like something is very wrong in your daughter's relationship with her husband. What sort of stuff does she say to her husband when she calls every fifteen minutes?? Why your daughter is acting like she is, is going to be very hard to find out. This man sounds like a very controlling person. Were they like this with each other up to the point of moving away for the first time? Were there no warning signals? Did your daughter not change until this point? Have you tried to talk to her again about the time she called you before she moved away, when she told you she was making a mistake? There must have been something that was making her act like that. I'm at a loss to give you some solid advice; but it seems that unless you can get her to communicate with you honestly, your relationship with your daughter is not going to get better. I really don't want to worry you, but I'm afraid that there could be abuse going on there. If that's true, your daughter need to seek help, and will need support. If I'm barking completely up the wrong tree then I have no idea why she is acting the way she is...it seems such a complete turnaround from your previous mother/daughter relationship. People change, but not to the extreme that you describe; at least not without very good reasons.
bluechocolate Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 Sounds like your daughter is in the grips of a very good manipulator & controller. Perhaps you could look up some books on these types of people, read them & then give them to your daughter. You could even find a therapist or counsellor & speak to them about her situation. I don't know how they can help her directly through a 3rd person but they may be able to help you understand what is going on, & who knows? Maybe they will have some hints for you on how to deal with her & her husband.
SoleMate Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 I agree with you that your daughter is in a very sad and somewhat scary situation. I unfortunately don't really have a solution, just a piece of advice: whatever goes on, don't let the bridges be burned. Be blandly cheerful, and don't EVER say anything derogatory about her husband or the relationship. This applies no matter how big a manipulative psycho creep he is. Attacking him in ANY way only puts her on the defensive, and closes her off to you more (even if deep down shoe knows you are right). Make sure your daughter is always 100% certain that she has you as a fallback, so she will be willing to call if she becomes desperate. This will be difficult, given the barriers that she is putting up.
humph.. Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 I can almost bet my life and guarantee that this man is mentally, emotionally and psychologically abusing your daughter. Just because it is not physical abuse, it doesn't mean it's ANY LESS serious. In fact, in most cases it can be MORE serious- leaving serious trauma and damage on the victim in an emotional and psychological sense. Your daughter sounds like she is scared of this man, and you have to ask yourself- why? His behaviour as well as hers, are big red lights if you ask me. The saddest thing in a situation like this is that the person being manipulated, controlled, or abused will NOT have the strength to face up to this abuse and fight it. Most of the time the abuser will threaten the abused, that they shouldn't discuss their relationship with outsiders. Abusers can also be extremely good at hiding the abuse behind closed doors, so nobody will believe the victim if they choose to speak up. The abuser can also be good at "crazymaking" ie: making the victim feel like THEY are the irrational one. Her drinking is a worry as well- it seems she is unhappy unless she is intoxicated. Have you ever witnessed any strange behaviour from him? Her calling him every 15 minutes is disturbing. It is NOT a normal thing to be doing. Neither is it normal for her to become so withdrawn, negative and distant all of a sudden. I can say that this situation is awful- your daughter needs some help to realise what's going on. It will NOT be easy. If this man is doing something to harm her/upset her/control her/abuse her, she wil almost always tolerate this behaviour for MANY reasons. I have some websites you can visit for more information. This site contains a lot of great links regarding mental abuse...Please visit the sites listed on the page below, and perhaps get your daughter to as well. it could be an eye opener. http://www.healthcyclopedia.com/mental-health/psychological-abuse.html
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