My husband, me and my "other man"

[thaiboxgirl]

Hi everyone. I hope that this is a "safe" place to post. Please don't judge me, I know I have done wrong but things are complicated. I put 15 years of effort into a marriage that has been unloving. I have a very difficult situation, and I have been struggling in my marriage for 15 years. I have had attractions for other men a few times, but this time I took it too far.

 

I met a guy on a mt. biking forum and he lives about 20 minutes away. We spent a month chatting online and then we met at his work. After a few "dates" we took things too far. The online chatting continued and to this day we have seen each other about 10 times.

 

I ended up telling my husband that I was attracted to this guy and that I wanted to separate. I told him everything that happened so he know's I had sex with him. I shouldn't be feeling this way for another guy, so I shouldn't be married. Things have been difficult our entire marriage. We lacked intimacy and my husband never kissed me due to the fact that I don't like the smell or taste of cigarette smoke, and hubby wouldn't give up smoking like he promised. We distanced ourselves and while I wasn't perfect, he also fell back on drinking to regulate his moods. It was like walking on egg-shells all of the time. I felt that he was very manipulative, narcissistic.

 

We have two kids, age 11 and 13. I have always believed that we need to stay together for the kids. Now I'm not so sure. When I told him the truth that I wanted a divorce, he became irrational. He said he was going to move away, he was going to take the kids, etc. It felt very manipulative, but at the same time I understand how he feels... at least I'd like to think I do. Now I feel like I'm under lock and key. He checks my email, phone, etc. He has the right to I guess, after what I did to him.

 

Now as for the "other man." He divorced a year and a half ago after his wife cheated on him. He says that we were meant to be for some reason, he's not sure why. Maybe so he could learn to forgive his ex.. or to help me through my divorce. He also says that he doesn't want to be a part of anyones pain and doesn't want me to make my final decision based on him. He isn't sure if he can make anyone happy long-term. Next he tells me that I need to get my child custody plan to match his, so we can spend time. He constantly messages me telling me he misses me, we talk every night. He loves to cuddle me and never wants me to go. He is away for the long weekend and says he doesn't know how he is going to get by without talking to me, called me a couple times before he got to his campsite with no cell reception.

 

I am obsessed with this man. I feel like he's a drug and I'm going through withdrawal not talking to him. He wants to see me after the weekend and I definitely want to see him, but one problem... my husband miraculously changed over night. Over the past month he quit smoking, started working out, started paying rediculous amounts of attention to me... basically he's smothering me. I like it, but it is really confusing, as I asked for this change over the past 15 years and he only said "hell no" will he change. So now I have this guy I'm obsessed with, great chemistry, always wanting to be with me, and a husband who is becoming a new man.. if it lasts.

 

I don't want a difficult life, I have made my life difficult. The problem is that I don't know how to get past the feelings of just "room mates" with my husband. I don't see him in any other way. I think of him more as a best friend/brother. I am not attracted to him. How do I gain that back? Can I gain that back? Especially when all I can think of is this other guy who seems to be waiting and making plans for us. I don't know how to get over this other guy. He appears to have everything I want and he's always there, but I am so worried about my husbands happiness that I can't hurt him any longer. The other man has no idea that I might be working on the marriage. I know how it works with jumping in to a new relationship right away. It never goes anywhere good.

 

I'm so confused.

Edited May 25, 2013 by thaiboxgirl

[ExpatInItaly]

If you truly want to work on your marriage, you need to cut contact with the other man. It will be virtually impossible to rekindle anything if you're still speaking to and seeing this other guy. If the thought of that is too difficult to deal with, you are probably doing the right thing by separating from your husband.

 

Also, take some time to imagine your future without either man. There's always the chance that things will not pan out with the other guy, either. Envision yourself on your own and ask yourself what your plan will be if neither of them is your partner.

[thaiboxgirl]

That's how I feel. Unfortunately I must be so co-dependent that I am more worried about hubbies feelings as opposed to mine. I mean I cheated on HIM, so yes I hurt him, but I don't know why I always have put him first despite a crappy marriage.

 

I guess I don't want to deal with the freak out, hurt feelings, moving, etc. This sucks.

[therhythm]

That's how I feel. Unfortunately I must be so co-dependent that I am more worried about hubbies feelings as opposed to mine. I mean I cheated on HIM, so yes I hurt him, but I don't know why I always have put him first despite a crappy marriage.

 

I guess I don't want to deal with the freak out, hurt feelings, moving, etc. This sucks.

 

Stay or leave but whatever you do you need to commit 100% to it.

 

I can see how your marriage may have not been what you expected but your decision of cheating is was your decision, you can't blame your husband for your character flaws. You now need to either commit to your husband and go total not contact with the other man or divorce and move on. You can't live this double life for ever... You are hurting your husband and your lover and your children are in a very unhealthy environment.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Now as for the "other man." He divorced a year and a half ago after his wife cheated on him. He says that we were meant to be for some reason, he's not sure why. Maybe so he could learn to forgive his ex.. or to help me through my divorce. He also says that he doesn't want to be a part of anyones pain..

 

I highly doubt his version of his story. My guess is his wife divorced him because HE cheated on her.

 

If this is true then this man has zero empathy.

[Act Two]

There's just no other way around this- you have to end the affair. You can't evaluate your marriage while you are in fantasy land with the OM, and it's not fair to anyone. I can promise you this: you are on a path to confusion, chaos and destruction to each party (you, your husband, and your OM, AND your kids) and the sooner you get off the path the better and easier it will be.

 

If your marriage isn't going to work out, then it should be because of the marriage and not because of a third party.

 

Good luck- I wish you well.

[Running Man]

The OM's wife cheated on him and what does he do to learn from that lesson or move on from that situation???? He decides to have sex with a married woman with children and conspires to break up another couples marriage. Does this make sense to you? I think he is telling you bu!!$h!t and your to eager to believe it out of your own desperation.

 

When you confide with another person and tell all the bad/irratating problems about your husbands actions, it only makes it easier for the affair partner to play along and say the right things to appear as "the good guy". He knows how not to act to get you to want him.

[2sunny]

Get a divorce - spend some time on your own getting to know your authentic self.

 

Then, after a year or so - when you're healthy, consider dating a healthy man...not one who helps married women cheat on their husband.

[UpwardForward]

Get a divorce - spend some time on your own getting to know your authentic self.

 

Then, after a year or so - when you're healthy, consider dating a healthy man...not one who helps married women cheat on their husband.

 

 

OP, Imo You have a commitment to your marriage. Either work on it or visualize yourself single. Otherwise you're jumping from one difficult situation to another. (And the second option may be lacking trust, as well).

 

Should you decide to divorce, the only way to clear your mind from confusion is to stay single for a time and find out who you are, and that you deserve more.

[worldgonewrong]

If the marriage is truly crappy, then you don't have to put him first. You get out of it.

 

You also don't stay for your own selfish reasons. You want to leave for OM, then leave for OM. Your other fears are not your husband's problem.

 

If the marriage is crappy, is it the husband's fault entirely?

Sounds like the husband has been undergoing some self-awareness about his place in the marriage, making her happy -- and he's being brushed off; I see no self-awareness/appreciation for the marriage on the part of the OP.

 

Man, I get so sick of this disposable culture we live in.

The attitude is, if it doesn't work then torch/burn/run.

[worldgonewrong]

No, not the husband's fault entirely at all. But she thinks it is. So the advice is to leave for the OM and let the H move on.

 

Fair enough.

 

Let her try her chances with OM, until she discovers that he's not perfect either.

[Charlie Harper]

Divorce or stay its YOUR CHOICE, dont do it for others. If your husband finally saw the light it may be forever, it might be only a flash and return to his old ways.

 

Learn to be with yourself, and be happy alone, since a very common mistake is exiting a marriage for a new person who is known only partially...

 

think things over, and do it..

[Mr. Lucky]

I highly doubt his version of his story. My guess is his wife divorced him because HE cheated on her.

 

If this is true then this man has zero empathy.

 

If that's true, what does it make you think of this ???

 

He is away for the long weekend and says he doesn't know how he is going to get by without talking to me, called me a couple times before he got to his campsite with no cell reception.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Betrayed&Stayed]

If that's true, what does it make you think of this ???

 

He is away for the long weekend and says he doesn't know how he is going to get by without talking to me, called me a couple times before he got to his campsite with no cell reception.

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He likes to hike the Appalachian Trail just like ex-SC Gov Mark Sanford

[Chi townD]

Christ, I love how people paint their husbands or wives as unloving and uncaring to justify in their heads the reasons why they cheated. The thing is, you HAVE been married for 15 years and you have 2 kids as a product of that union. So, there had to have been some intimacy. If it was totally horrible for you, then you would have left YEARS ago. NOW! that you have a new man in your life, NOW it's a issue. Uh huh........okay.

 

You look at your husband as a roomate. Well, duh! You've been married for 15 years! The honeymoon phase of your marriage is long over! Most people married that long love their spouse and they become their partner in life and is no longer the hot knight in shining armor! NO marriage is perfect! NOT ONE! Marriages are hard work! So, if someone ever said that they have the perfect marriage, they're lying. June and Ward Clever were part of a TV show.

 

And what are you going to tell your kids, huh? Kids aren't stupid as we think they are. They know something is up. How are you going to feel when they know that you left Dad, you left THEM for another man. And, yes, they're going to feel like you left them because, right now, you WANT to spend time with this douche rocket that breaking up their home rather than time with them. This asshat that's breaking up their family! That you value another man more than your own family. Do you honestly believe that they will TRUELY ever accept this guy in their lives knowing what kind of pain it caused?

 

And you can tell them every story that you want. That you weren't happy. That their father and you just didn't work out. That the two of you fell out of love...blah...blah... They are ALWAYS going to know that they are from a broken home because Mom left Dad for another man. They'll still love you because you're their mom. But, they'll probably always resent you for breaking up the family. For breaking up their home.

 

And if you think that you and this douche rocket are going to live happil ever after. Chances are no, you're not. Stats show that about less than 14% of relationships that start out from affair actually make it for the long haul. This relationship is doomed to fail from the jump because it's foundation is built on the pain of others.

 

And you said your husband is doing better. Quit smoking, working out, losing weight, taking care of himself. How do you know he's going that for you? Maybe he knows that this marriage is probably coming to an end and he's getting himself ready to put himself back on the market. I mean, you're not giving him any REAL reasons to fight for you or this marriage. You're blaming him and still in communication with the OM. You haven't done any work to fix the marriage. So, how do you know he's doing it for you?

 

Just something to think about.

Edited May 29, 2013 by Chi townD

[Mr. Lucky]

He likes to hike the Appalachian Trail just like ex-SC Gov Mark Sanford

Or has a sailboat like ex-presidential candidate Gary Hart ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

I do not know if you can regain attraction and romantic love for your husband - but you owe it to your children to try.

 

Do not see or talk to the OM. Even if it hurts. When you are tempted to text or call or see him, imagine your child's face watching you, and do the right thing.

 

Take it one day at a time, and try to be open to possibilities. Try to let go of past resentment and to rebuild a new normal with your husband. It may work. It may not. But even if your marriage ends, you do need to finish this chapter of your life before moving on to the next.

 

As far as the OM, he is just a fantasy. You only know certain things about him. That the sex with him is passionate. That he knows how to make you feel mushy and happy. That you laugh with him. But that's all you know. So you have filled in the blanks with all positive stuff about who you THINK he is. In reality, he may be a complete a-hole to live with. He may be a cheater, as others in this thread have noted. He may be controlling or verbally abusive when he gets someone into a situation where they can't easily run away. You simply do not know who he really is - you only know what he's shown you. So your dizzy fantasies of what life would be like with him are just that. You are in love with your IDEA of him, not with who he actually is, because you don't know.

 

When you share bills and a home and a toilet and children and housework with someone, things tend to be different.

 

Invest in your marriage. Either in fixing it or ending it. THEN worry about another guy. Even if it really really hurts.

[jnel921]

You have a couple of things going on here. your marriage has gotten stale and because your H refused to give up his habits and be the affectionate person you asked him to be this put a wedge in your marriage.

 

Instead of giving him an ultimatum you chose to step outside of your marriage to get some of your needs met. The OM is still a stranger. A couple of months and 10 sexual encounters does not make a solid relationship.

 

The OM was honest and said he is not interested in a long term relationship. if his first M ended in D due to cheating then why encourage this with you? You only decided you wanted to divorce when you fell in love with the attention. The OM will never be with you or your kids since he has a mess of his own going on and expects you to align your life according to his. Which in my mind is another red flag that you may not be the only person he is sexual with.

 

You need to ask yourself how you really feel about your H. It sounds like he is willing to make a change. But it takes two people to reconcile and both have to be willing to do the work.

 

There must be a part of you that remembers why you married your H and perhaps you need to go to MC to improve your relationship. No M is perfect. My H cheated I am sure due to issues we had but he loved me not the fantasy and decided together not to end our M.

 

Are you ready for a new life alone? If you split he may have custody and you will have to support yourself and remember Your mountain bike man will not be sticking around very long.

 

You really need to put your life and M into perspective. Sometimes the things we want and need most are right in front of us. Your H is right there. Learn to fall in love again.

[Steadfast]

Why don't you just be honest with yourself? You STAYED in a 'bad' marriage until your plan to meet someone and leave it unfolded. It's pretty easy to see right through your words to the truth. You wanted an affair.

 

Now you have it.

 

What you didn't bank on is the OM's feelings (and, cheated on or not, he's slime. I wouldn't believe anything he says) and hubby's 180. Like most cheaters, you're chemically hooked on this new guy, but the fog will lift.

 

I'd second frozen's idea and suggest you divorce, dump Mountain-Bike romeo, and live on your own for awhile. Maybe longer than that. For good. Concentrate on repairing the damage to your children and accomplish something more than others shoveling goods into your need bank. I lost count how many times your typed "I" in your original post. It's very telling.

 

Grow up.

[thaiboxgirl]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies! This is so hard, and yes Steadfast, I say "I" a lot.

 

This is the most selfish I have every been. I do want to say that I went to 1-sided marital counseling for 4 years in order to learn how to be happy and be a better wife. My husband went 3 times in all those years. The rest of the time he said "hell no." I appreciate the changes he's made, and I know that I need to resort myself to the fact that I may never have more than "room mate" status feelings. I want to try, so I guess marital counseling where we both go is what we need.

 

The OM, wow, he is not letting up. I think he's very ADHD which should have made me wonder in the beginning. He has always thought I was divorcing, I held back information that I haven't started the divorce. He's asking when I'm moving out, what's the date, we need to figure this out and that out. I just thought "this is ALL too much!" What dumb decisions.

 

So here is where I'm at:

 

I need to drop this OM and go through the pain and withdrawals from losing my fantasy. It's going to be very difficult, but I know I can do it. Hubby knows everything and is on high alert for any funny business. We go to counseling on Monday. I'm trying to be close to him and regain some of that intimacy that we've been missing. I feel horrible, I've been leading on two men, and yes, its selfish, childish and crazy.

 

I have problems, I know. I need to focus on my kids and I ask for prayers and positive thoughts (plus any advice) regarding going forward.

[Steadfast]

I have problems, I know. I need to focus on my kids and I ask for prayers and positive thoughts (plus any advice) regarding going forward.

 

Advice? That's easy. The hard part is taking it.

 

-Make yourself into the kind of person you want to be.

 

-Treat everyone -not just your husband- the way you want to be treated.

 

-Take only what you're willing to give. Demand no less.

 

-Words are hollow. Say little, do much. Regain your integrity with actions.

 

-Realize your happiness is on you alone.

 

Final words;

 

It's easy to love the loveable. Love is never tested by that. Real love is the ability to love the unlovable. Real love grows in strife, false love fades. Real love becomes stronger, more resilient in times of turmoil and strain. Real love is stubborn and unrelenting. It refuses to fold. It never gives up. Ask yourself; do you really know what love is?

 

You are about to find out what you're made out of. Keep posting. No one with a right mind will criticize you for wanting to do the right thing.

 

PS: Shift romeo's contact to your husband alone. That'll clear it up quickly.

[aliveagain]

Every hunter knows you never let an animal suffer if it is wounded, you do what is humane and put it out of it's misery. Your family , your marriage is wounded, make a choice.

[Chi townD]

If you and your husband agree to try and work this out, you need to do your homework and find a Marriage Counselor that specializes in infidelity. Any run of the mill MC is going to tell him that your cheating was justified because HE didn't do this, that or the other. They're going to make that the focal point of the whole session. That's probably why he only went to 3-4 sessions the last time. The MC probably made it a point to point out his flaws and that's the reason why YOU aren't happy. Well, who wants to sit there and hear that you're screwed up like a soup sandwich for an hour.

 

Find one that specializes in infidelity. They tend to make the two of you start on equal ground and they make YOU own up to your sh*t.

[KathyM]

I would suggest dumping the OM and working on saving your marriage, since your husband is willing to forgive you and move past this, and is making an effort to save your marriage. The OM is not likely to be good long-term relationship material. People can sometimes rekindle their marriage and redevelop feelings for each other if they are motivated and make an honest effort towards that. But that won't happen as long as you are pining for this other guy. I suggest you dump the OM and start working on your marriage to see if it can be saved. I think you owe it to your children to at least try to save your marriage, since your husband is willing to give you another chance.

[Artie Lang]

sounds to me like you were indulging in an "exit" affair, only to find out OM is a bit unstable. now you want to run back to the safe haven that is your stale marriage.