Ex and I are seeing each other tonight

[Compromize]

It's been a crazy week. I have been talking to my ex since last weekend. Everything was going good, then it regressed, then we both kind of haven't said much for fear of saying the wrong things.

 

I asked her to get together last week, she declined saying she was too busy. I called her out on the whole back and forth thing she was doing to me and she asked me if I could see her tonight. I said I can maybe find time.

 

It's been a very rough road for me to get to this point, I have had all these emotions come back (always loved and wanted her, that never left) and I am not sure what I am feeling about seeing her tonight. Scared, excited, worried, hopeful, guarded. I have no idea what to expect and am going into this with no expectations. I want to do something fun, like bowling or mini golf, something like that rather than just sit and talk. We have done a hell of a lot of talking this past week and we need to connect again and just enjoy each others company I think.

 

She could cancel on me or stand me up, I know. That is a risk I am taking. I need to be fully in control of myself, my emotions, my reactions tonight. This could be the first of many many times I see her or the last time. I'm putting my hope into the first of many but under the realization that it could be the last. It will hurt if she cancels tonight, not gonna lie about that.

 

I need some advice, on those that have been here and made it work. How can I make tonight the best it can be for the situation? What can I do to help the best possible outcome surface? I know that this meeting or date or whatever it may be is not the "magic bullet" that fixes everything and gets us back together again. I just want to try my best to plant the seed that I still love her deeply and want to make us work and want her to make the same effort I am. She hasn't been at a point where she feels she can do that yet so tonight may not change anything but at least if we can have a good, fun night together and I can make her laugh, it's a huge step in the right direction.

Edited May 25, 2013 by Compromize

[Compromize]

She just contacted me to ask me if I was available tonight if I wouldn't mind coming out to her place. Kind of unexpected. Not sure what to think of that. So she really does want to see me.

Edited May 25, 2013 by Compromize

[GG3]

Yes sounds like she is scared too maybe?

 

What did you decide?

[Compromize]

I'm going to see her and looking forward to it. Going to make it the best night I possibly can and keep it light and fun and try not to talk about the relationship. I have done a lot of work on myself the past 3-1/2 months and I am not the same man she left. I am determined to show her this but not directly. Just let my actions speak for me.

[GG3]

I'm going to see her and looking forward to it. Going to make it the best night I possibly can and keep it light and fun and try not to talk about the relationship. I have done a lot of work on myself the past 3-1/2 months and I am not the same man she left. I am determined to show her this but not directly. Just let my actions speak for me.

 

I think going is a good idea. Good luck!

[Compromize]

I saw my ex. For the first time in 3-1/2 months. I thought she was going to stand me up, was supposed to meet her at her house and she texted me about 5 min away and said she wasn't home yet and wanted to hang out at her friends house a little longer. I thought it was a kiss off, but she invited me to hang out with them. They were not friends I had met before so I was a little nervous about seeing the ex for the first time at some peoples house I had never met but was anxious to see her.

 

Our meeting up was great, sparks flew, we kissed each other, she cried, it was a great night together and her friends were really cool. We were very touchy feely (she was drunk and I was drinking as well) it was like we never were apart. I was on cloud nine.

 

She invited me back to her house, to which I agreed. We made love to each other, some talk back and forth a little and went to sleep. She woke me up in the morning around 7am and she was a mess. She had been dating when we were broken up and of course I asked the question: had she slept with anyone. She told me no when I asked her. She proceeds to tell me she lied, that she had slept with someone while she was dating and that she just wanted to tell me face to face, that's why she lied to me. I was floored and hurt. We had just slept together the night before, and didn't use protection (she has an implant) and I haven't slept with anyone since her.

 

So the blissful night we had was destroyed the next day and I would have never let it go that far if I would have known. Oh my gut had been telling me though I just didn't listen. ***** me. To make matters worse, she was an absolute mess and kept telling me that it's just better if I leave, etc.

 

She has now withdrawn completely from me again. Says she doesn't deserve me, realizes she doesn't have what it takes to be my woman, all this stuff. Even though this all hurts I had accepted the fact that she probably slept with some other dude while we were broken up and she was dating. You kind of have to accept that $hit when you are broken up with someone for an extended period of time and they have been dating but I asked that weeks ago. Now comes reality, I have to get tested. She has to get tested. And we are not back together.

 

It's my fault for being in the situation in the first place. I don't understand women. I don't understand relationships. I don't *****ing understand anything anymore. And even after all this I still love her. Ain't love a bitch?

[emmalynro]

Wait, I don't understand the sequence of events here. You said "Have you slept with anyone else?" and she said "No...OK, I lied, I slept with one guy"? Or you had asked her this earlier and she said "sorry, I lied"?

 

So she lied to you. She felt horribly about it, and decided to see you in person to tell you the truth. When she did she fell in love all over again. And then she finally had to admit that she lied to you about that one time when she slept with a guy and it's utterly soul-destroying?

 

I mean, she lied, and that sucks, but the fact that she had planned and was about to come clean (even after you'd broken up) seems very important. You weren't dating any longer so it's not like she had an obligation to be faithful to you. Why is this causing so much drama? Can't you have a short, stern conversation about "hey, you don't have to lie to me" and then get over it and move on?

 

BTW, depending on when she slept with him, it can take up to a month for some STDs to show up on tests. Play safe, kids!

[TaraMaiden]

Harsh post coming up:

 

Compromize, I am so mad with you right now; you sure are one dumba$$.

 

You broke up.

 

What did you expect - virginity until she dies? Or until YOU are ready to let her go?

 

Get over yourself. You have no moral high-ground, and no right to be standing on it, even if you had.

 

She lied to save your feelings.

which hurts you.

She's now told you the truth.

Which hurts you.

 

What's really been hurt here?

Your manly pride?

 

Break NC at your peril.

 

You were the one to break No Contact, so accept the consequences.

[inaya42]

sounds like you two are being very hard on yourselves -- and particularly you on her...

 

she had her reasons for ending the relationship. you indicate that you know what they were, or what some of them were, and have worked on those things. you are now in a place of discussing and perhaps working toward rekindling things, and all this upset?

 

it seems that your expectations are very, very high here. rekindling is a delicate, slow and deliberate process. it is not instantaneous and will crumble easily under the weight of intense emotions, high expectations, and moralistic judgments of exes.

 

she broke up with you. most breakups happen with emotions present and lingering, and breakups cause even more intense emotional fallout. it doesn't seem that your emotions had settled enough for you to really pursue reconciliation. and ex sex is a bad idea when you are still so vulnerable.

 

i am sorry that you are in despair. but love is neither possession nor indebtedness...

[inaya42]

or just breaking NC prematurely...

 

i actually feel a little bad for the ex here. imagine reconsidering a breakup with an ex, talking to that ex, hanging out and hooking up with that ex only to have it end in tears because you had sex ONCE in the months after the breakup... ugh, so much pressure.

 

reconciliations should always come with a strict NO TELL policy in regard to post-BU romantic/sexual activities (unsafe sexual practices excluded, of course)... the other thing about reconciliations is that they happen in a process. no one can tell in advance when/if a reconciliation will work. but i do know that there chances of success are significantly higher when things feel exciting, pleasant, and easygoing in the initial stages...

Edited May 30, 2013 by inaya42

[moneyneversleeps]

I think you did well..

I think she was lonely and needed to feel wanted, and maybe a part of her needed to see if you can fill that loneliness inside of her..

Maybe she slept with more than one guy.. who knows?

I think you were doing perfectly until you asked her if she slept with someone else - too early in the stages, you would have seemed insecure. You probably cracked it also which brought negative emotions to her and made her want out.

I guess to her, by acting this way, you showed her that you have not really changed...

[justletgo07]

Hey man. Rough story. I was afraid it might go south after you mentioned alcohol being involved and y'all sleeping together. The alcohol was a major red flag here...

 

Not sure your actions deserve some of the harsh responses you've received, but I do think it's fair to say that you gave things up far too quickly and easily. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, sex is one of the perks of dating you, and if your ex can get it without the commitment I think they almost always do.

 

I agree with others about having a don't ask/don't tell policy with exes. It's just better that way. If you're that concerned about being safe, just ask them to get an std test before you sleep with them.

 

Your ex is still clearly all over the place with her feelings for you, and it appears that a sober/hungover her did not feel the same way about sleeping with you as she did the night before.

 

I doubt this will be your last contact. Moving forward, avoid alcohol and sex with the ex.

 

Good luck.

[Compromize]

Harsh words I deserve. I agree, I would have been better off not knowing but it clearly was eating at her so she had to tell. The only part that upsets me is that it was unsafe sex that she had and only chose to tell me about it after we had sex, I asked her before we had sex if she had slept with anyone else because of the safety issue only, not to hold it against her oranything like that. I had accepted the fact that it probably had happened. I however would have never had unprotected sex with her should I have known beforehand. That is the part that upsets me and I think would upset most anyone.

 

I have not given up. I am trying, we are trying to work things out. I know I have to let the past be the past and that's what I am going to do. We are both getting tested, it was at least a month ago according to her. I didn't expect her to wait around for me and that's not what upset me. The thing that upset me was telling me before we had sex that she hasn't had sex with anyone else and then after we had unprotected sex telling me that she lied to me and had unprotected sex with another guy a while back.

[aisuru]

Harsh words I deserve. I agree, I would have been better off not knowing but it clearly was eating at her so she had to tell. The only part that upsets me is that it was unsafe sex that she had and only chose to tell me about it after we had sex, I asked her before we had sex if she had slept with anyone else because of the safety issue only, not to hold it against her oranything like that. I had accepted the fact that it probably had happened. I however would have never had unprotected sex with her should I have known beforehand. That is the part that upsets me and I think would upset most anyone.

 

Condoms.

 

This sounds like an excuse to get out of her whether she had sex with somebody.

[na49]

That's the pill you have to swallow if you want to get back together with an ex. My girlfriend (who used to be my ex) went out on dates while we were apart. It bugs me that she was going out with other guys, but I have to deal with it. It's annoying to think that she was having fun with her friends in our time apart while I was heart broken. Albeit she never had sex with them, it's still annoying.

 

These are just things that I accept. I take them at face value. None of the dates with any of the guys meant anything, because in the end she was the one who came to me asking to try things again. She wanted to try things again. I also did. So here we are.

 

Best of luck to you though. but if you have any hope of being with her again and being happy, you need to get past the whole "she had sex with other guys" thing. She doesn't owe you anything when she's not in a relationship with you. If she wants to f*ck other guys, she's actually allowed to do that now.

[Compromize]

I completely realize she is/was free to do what she wanted. The shock of the whole thing coming out the way it did the day afterward sucked. I know I can't dwell on anything that happened while we were apart and she didn't even have to tell me and the fact she told me at all is a rare quality. I can and will put this behind me and the fact she came back is what is the most important to me.

[Lostint]

You're lucky. She came back, she still has feelings, there's still a chance for you guys. Put this stupid 'had sex with another guy' thing behind you - who cares? She still has feelings for you, many of us would KILL to be in that position.

[GG3]

If you and someone break up for a length of time, chances are one of you is going to have sex with someone else. It's just the way it is if you are reconciling with an ex.

 

I've done it before and it bothered me, but I got over it. You will get over it. Don't focus too much on it and ruin your second go around.

[Compromize]

I need to make clear this, I am not upset with the fact she dated or slept with someone else. I knew this was the most likely thing that happened going into this reconciliation. I do not and will not hold that against her or take it into this new relationship, should it truly turn into one.

 

I was upset about being told before that she did not and then her telling me after we had unsafe sex. That's it. I was upset for the unsafe place I allowed myself to be in. We had never used protection in our relationship and I have not slept with anyone else since her. If she would have told me yes, I probably would have asked the same question about if it was safe or not and asked her to get tested before we had sex and used a condom.

 

Since she told me no before we had sex, I didn't feel it was necessary or "right" to use a condom. If I used a condom anyway, she would have assumed that I had slept with someone right? Or not believed her when she said she didn't? I totally accept the fact that she dated and had sex while we were apart. I should have just said "I am just going to use a condom, we don't need to discuss the rest and we will both get tested to be fair". Maybe? God I really don't know.

 

I did act like an ass after she told me but in all fairness, wouldn't most anybody at that moment being hit with that? I do want her and want use to work and even if she did sleep with more than one guy, it is me that she wants to be with and it obviously hurt her inside enough to tell me about it. I think most women would have just never said a word, safe or unsafe sex.

[Compromize]

reconciliations should always come with a strict NO TELL policy in regard to post-BU romantic/sexual activities (unsafe sexual practices excluded, of course)... the other thing about reconciliations is that they happen in a process. no one can tell in advance when/if a reconciliation will work. but i do know that there chances of success are significantly higher when things feel exciting, pleasant, and easygoing in the initial stages...

 

That is why I was initially upset. She told me afterward about the unsafe sex. If she would have told me beforehand, I would have accepted it and waited until the "all clear" before taking our new relationship to that level. We both got caught up in each other that night. She even said she didn't want/intend to take it there until she told me about this. It's not her fault. It's mine for not putting out boundaries. But how do you put out those boundaries for someone you have wanted so badly for so long?

[inaya42]

we on this thread have been a bit hard on you -- no need to beat yourself up!

 

things are still quite emotionally charged for you and your ex. allow her to go quiet for a bit while you do the same. when you reconnect, try to keep things easygoing, pleasant, and exciting (in a non-sexual way for now). don't drag too much of the relationship history and heaviness into every interaction.

 

you sound like a dear man. your ex/soon to be current girlfriend is lucky to have you! trust that you can implement the boundaries and the slow pace to make this reconciliation possible...

 

good luck!

[TaraMaiden]

It's mine for not putting out boundaries. But how do you put out those boundaries for someone you have wanted so badly for so long?

 

By remembering to think with your head, not your dick heart.

 

And remembering that when you come back to LS and 'report' mamma's gonna get real mad....

 

That's the problem with meeting an ex- when you're still head-over-heels.

 

You flip and everything jumbles.

[Compromize]

That's the problem with meeting an ex- when you're still head-over-heels.

 

You flip and everything jumbles.

 

I don't know if I will ever NOT be head-over-heels for her, maybe after a long time of not seeing her or being in contact with her in any way.

 

She has pretty much disconnected again to me and I understand this had a lot to do with it. She is the only person I have ever had in my life that can affect me this much, make me feel so much. I'm not a young man and I really don't think I can have this kind of connection with anyone else. Honestly, I don't want to. Can't picture myself with anyone else and I have a lot of growing to do.

 

At this point, I just want her to be happy. I think I can actually make that happen this time. But I also understand I may never really get another shot and it can't happen being disconnected and ignoring. I guess back to NC again and hope to hear from her. Thanks everyone

[TaraMaiden]

Do yourself a big favour.

 

This time?

Listen.

 

And stick to it.

 

Okay....?

 

[Compromize]

TaraMaiden - Listen and stay NC or ....? I'm a little thick so I need help understanding lol.