average guy Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 Hi everyone, I have incredible anger issues, but they stem from being physically, emotional, verbal, psychologically abused by wife alcoholic, wife-beating and cheating, a**h*** father and sexually abused by the neighbour as a boy, so I have a lot of anger in me, and the problem is when I loose my temper it comes out it as it is all bottled up inside and it pours out over the smallest thing! Anyway, I have found if I control my anxiety, I don’t loose my temper. But my question is: I try my hardest not to be grumpy or angry inappropriately at my kids, but when I am, I feel worse because I think I’m turning into my father, which in turn makes me even angrier! So how can I break this vicious cycle of thinking I am as bad as my father when in reality (and all of my family keep telling that I’m not at all like my father) I know that I am not even one millionth as bad as he was! Thanks A.G.
johan Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 I didn't suffer as a child like you did, but I know how it feels to be angry at things and have that foul up relationships. My first recommendation is to get professional help. Or at least get a book on anger. It's possible to control it if you are able to catch it when it starts. Then you have to analyze what is stressing you out so much. Anger like yours (and mine) comes from fear. You get angry in order to assert control in situations where you feel you should have it. Maybe like when your kids are challenging you somehow. Like you said, when your anxiety is high, then you are prone to losing it. I think you feel threatened in some way and the reflex is to get angry and use that power to set things straight. So you're going to have to stop and evaluate the threat every time. If you can minimize the threat you're facing, then your anger should go away. Over time you should be able to condition yourself to respond more calmly. That's my theory anyway. Maybe a therapist could help you deal with this better. While you're trying to deal with this, there's a risk of fooling yourself into thinking you've solved the problem, when you've really just bottled it up for later. That will lead to a much bigger blowout.
kellydontwanttasleep Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 your the only one who can let go of that anger. let it go. and get theropy
moimeme Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 Read some books by Dr. Daniel Amen. "Change your brain, change your life" is a good one. It recommends various supplements, diets, and other measures to use to mitigate the effects of AD/HD. I think you're on meds, right? The thing is that not every issue in your life is due to your past. AD/HD is, among other things, a condition of impulse control problems and anger is an impulse that becomes hard to control for folks with AD/HD. If you tend to the biomedical stuff, that'll help you deal with the psychological stuff.
brashgal Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 Hopefully you have explained to your kids that your anger does not stem from their actions. The tough part is to know when you are at risk and to walk away or otherwise distract yourself from taking it out on them. Just remember you are human, noone can act perfectly 100% of the time. I'm not looking to justifying your outbursts, just asking you to be kind to yourself. Depression can also manifest as anger. Therapy, medication, exercise, good nutrition - they all play a part in making it better. Maybe you need to extricate yourself from a situation you are in currently? Take another good long look, what can you change?
Author average guy Posted October 3, 2004 Author Posted October 3, 2004 Thanks everyone moimeme - I think I'll order that book by Daniel Amen - it looks like it has some practical, concrete hands-on things I can do Cheers, A.G.
krbshappy71 Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 I used to take out life's stresses on my kids. I went to parenting classes two different times during my time raising them and both times they helped me relearn how to step back from the situation, lower my boiling blood of rage, and find solutions that would actually help the situation, not just lash out about it and then feel horribly guilty for how I was treating them. There are many programs out there that are free or on a sliding scale, look into them, they can really help as you will also be with people who understand your temper, and aren't there to judge you, just to help you release it in better ways. PLEASE consider parenting classes, they were a miracle fix for me and I can't tell you how its changed my life to be able to love them entirely, good mood or bad mood, and to stop the cycle of anger. (they, in turn, were taking out their anger at me on each other, what a mess it was). The classes also had sessions with the children, teaching them new skills on how to communicate, control anger, etc. while I was in my class.
NLuvingMemoryRLJ&DJL Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Try to find something to keep you busy and fins someone you can talk to confidentialy. I amen I am the same way i have had some issues in my life i was raped and molested and all that kind of stuff abusive father, ect. so find a close firend to talk to. I find my self hating my step son at times and being the evil stepmother that i dont wanna be because he is the child i never had, I lost my twins in my 3rd month of pregnancy. so ifind my self haitng children and pregnant women. that is my advice hope it helps.
meanon Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 I know people can learn to control anger once they take responsibility for it. At the point at which they seek help, they've already done that. How do you get someone to take that responsibility in the first place? AG/Johan/krbshappy71 - did you always know you had a problem or was there a time when you thought anger was an appropriate response? Did you ever think that the problem was external (things in your life or other people that made you annoyed)? If so, what changed your mind? What can others do to help? To me it seems that there is very little that others can do on a day to day basis to help someone take responsibility for their anger. If you avoid conflict then you effectively ignore the person and that makes them angry. If you engage them in discussion then disagreements escalate to anger. It's a no win situation.
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