weedsandposies Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I've decided to write a letter outing my xOM to his wife since he has not stopped contacting me the past 2 years. I really need your help wording it so as to not sound insensitive. Do I just forward the last message telling her to make him stop? Or giving her a heads up? Keep it short, or long with more details. I have no idea where to start. Thanks in advance.
Author weedsandposies Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) Some details: They had a DDay 2 years ago. She emailed me wanting to know the truth. I did not know he was involved with anyone. He threw me under the bus. They were sent a cease and desist but an RO was never filed. They went on to get married/have a child. My H knows some details of the A. And he knows that OM has continued contact. I'm fed up and this would be the first time I'd forward her the messages he's been sending. I'm pretty sure she's been oblivious up until now. Edited May 25, 2013 by weedsandposies
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 If your husband is aware of his continued attempts to contact and you do not want this contact and are in recovery with your husband, then yes - I think his wife needs to know. But just a warning - you had better have proof of him initiating the contact, because more than likely once he is outed he will spin it and say you are the one that initiated the contact. Make sure your husband is inboard with this and show him what you intend to send her - I wouldn't email - I would send it certified registered mail so if has to be signed for. Just my .02 cents 5
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 My H knows some details of the A. Tell him ALL of the details. If you are going to drop the bomb on her, expect her to contact your husband at some point in the near future. You owe that to your H. 1
Author weedsandposies Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Thank you. Yes all contact was initiated by him, even during the A. He did spin it at DDay to make it look like I was the one pursuing him. At the time I didn't care to defend myself but now realize this was a HUGE mistake. If I send it certified it will have my address, correct? H doesn't want them to know where we live. Why would an email not work?
Author weedsandposies Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Tell him ALL of the details. If you are going to drop the bomb on her, expect her to contact your husband at some point in the near future. You owe that to your H. I was going to email her and sign it both H and me (as suggested in my other thread), a new account we don't have to use again. H doesn't want to be involved... told me to handle it myself.
UpwardForward Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Thank you. Yes all contact was initiated by him, even during the A. He did spin it at DDay to make it look like I was the one pursuing him. At the time I didn't care to defend myself but now realize this was a HUGE mistake. If I send it certified it will have my address, correct? H doesn't want them to know where we live. Why would an email not work? I don't like any kind of mail when it comes to being certain communication received. I prefer direct communication i.e. telephone or whatever. Did you tell OM if he doesn't stop contacting/harassing, you would contact his wife? I think a warning is in order before you talk to his wife.
BetrayedH Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Personally, I think an email is fine. I would essentially say what you had already said to us: after two years, your H continues to contact me even though it is unwelcomed as I have moved on and am happily married. You've tried to ignore but it hasn't worked and you now feel compelled to let her know in hopes of putting a stop to it. I would attach the messages between you and her H because proof is critical; it's obvious that he'll lie and put a spin on whatever he can. Further, I would tell her that you'll monitor your email acct for two weeks in case she has questions. I would also say something along the lines that while you haven't done anything to pursue her H, you're sorry to be the bearer of such bad news to her and that your intention is to help. 2
Author weedsandposies Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 I don't like any kind of mail when it comes to being certain communication received. I prefer direct communication i.e. telephone or whatever. Did you tell OM if he doesn't stop contacting/harassing, you would contact his wife? I think a warning is in order before you talk to his wife. Yes, a few months ago. I'll put that in the email and maybe forward that back and forth to her. 1
Author weedsandposies Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Personally, I think an email is fine. I would essentially say what you had already said to us: after two years, your H continues to contact me even though it is unwelcomed as I have moved on and am happily married. You've tried to ignore but it hasn't worked and you now feel compelled to let her know in hopes of putting a stop to it. I would attach the messages between you and her H because proof is critical; it's obvious that he'll lie and put a spin on whatever he can. Further, I would tell her that you'll monitor your email acct for two weeks in case she has questions. I would also say something along the lines that while you haven't done anything to pursue her H, you're sorry to be the bearer of such bad news to her and that your intention is to help. This is perfect. Thank you. And you're absolutely right that he will spin this like a magician. ut he can't when she has all the proof. I really just want him to stop contacting me. H says this might backfire and he'll be free to make my life hell. So should I add a bit about finally filing the RO? 2
BetrayedH Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 This is perfect. Thank you. And you're absolutely right that he will spin this like a magician. ut he can't when she has all the proof. I really just want him to stop contacting me. H says this might backfire and he'll be free to make my life hell. So should I add a bit about finally filing the RO? I would probably add something about the C&D order and that you're trying to avoid a RO but will go there if you must. Certainly, you may be opening Pandora's box but if that ends up the case, go ahead and follow-thru on the legal stuff; I think you'll find a judge sympathetic to your efforts. If the guy continues after that, he'll find himself in jail. But my gut says that he's been fishing in hopes of renewing the affair with you and this will make it clear that it just ain't gonna happen. 2
Author weedsandposies Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 I would probably add something about the C&D order and that you're trying to avoid a RO but will go there if you must. Certainly, you may be opening Pandora's box but if that ends up the case, go ahead and follow-thru on the legal stuff; I think you'll find a judge sympathetic to your efforts. If the guy continues after that, he'll find himself in jail. But my gut says that he's been fishing in hopes of renewing the affair with you and this will make it clear that it just ain't gonna happen. I agree... makes me even more disgusted with myself that he thinks there's a remote possibility.
BetrayedH Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I agree... makes me even more disgusted with myself that he thinks there's a remote possibility. If you didn't know he was married, you can't beat yourself up about it. Who expects someone to lie about that? Seriously, how long before it's found out? Don't be disgusted with yourself. He was just a liar. But if he keeps pursuing you, you must be quite a catch (and your H is the one that benefits now instead of that douche rocket). 2
2sunny Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Do you plan to tell her that you still love her husband even though you're pretending to make your M work with half truths and lying by omission to your husband? 3
Bryanp Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Your husband needs you to tell him all of the details. Otherwise you are continuing to manipulate and disrespect him. Does your husband know that you had sex with this man on numerous occasions and put his health at risk for STD's.?Have you both been checked for STD's? Have you answered all of the questions honestly that your husband has asked you? I think you doing the right thing by forwarding the messages. I think it is time that you also do the right thing for your husband as well and be totally honest with him about how, what and how long your affair was. Good luck.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 BH gives some very good advice here. It is wise, as has been state, to come completely clean with your husband because if you are going to pursue this path you have to be ready for anything you have hidden to come out as well. My question is, why is your husband telling you to handle this alone? I would think he would want to be involved in telling this man to stop contacting you. It will carry a lot of weight if you write the letter and sign your name (email, whatever) with proof but also your husband should see the communication as well. 1
BetrayedH Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I read your other thread and if I gather right, you have come clean with your H recently in regards to the continued contact from the OM. Good step in the right direction and I'm sure that was difficult. Given time, I think you'll gain more from having been honest than by continuing to hide it. If I understand correctly, your affair started when you were separated from your H. I'm not clear if it kept going after you got back together with your H but I hope that you've come completely clean with him by now. You really need to start with a clean slate where everything is on the table. Keep shedding yourself of lies and omissions. Keep focusing on living an honest and authentic life. Sending this email is another step in that right direction. Get rid of all of the double-life crap that weighs on your conscience. 1
2sunny Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I agree... makes me even more disgusted with myself that he thinks there's a remote possibility. But it serves a purpose for you - it feeds your ego... Which is the crux of your problem - and what keeps you from being totally honest about your motives.
Athens Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I agree with the others that say its important to come clean with yourself first, then work on the rest. We are all better off when we reflect on us, then work on others.
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 I agree... makes me even more disgusted with myself that he thinks there's a remote possibility. Maybe he picked up on the fact that you feel still in love with him and still hold him close to your heart? If you've paid attention to him and given off a certain energy towards him, that could be part of it. You did say on here that you still loved him. 1
2sunny Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Your husbands non involvement and non reaction may be because he simply doesn't care as much as you'd like him to. It's odd when a BS doesn't care to make the effort to have a say.
Jenn.Smith Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 2sunny, i've read a lot of the OP's posts and I think you are being a little over the top in your assumptions. I understand you would love to paint people with a broad brush but life is never that simple. WS while always in the wrong are not always evil incarnate. And BSs while they did not make their spouses cheat are not always wonderful saints. just something from reading your many many posts that you don't seem to get.
2sunny Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 2sunny, i've read a lot of the OP's posts and I think you are being a little over the top in your assumptions. I understand you would love to paint people with a broad brush but life is never that simple. WS while always in the wrong are not always evil incarnate. And BSs while they did not make their spouses cheat are not always wonderful saints. just something from reading your many many posts that you don't seem to get. So you think it's just dandy that the OP continues to think her M will get batter by trying to meet OM - and by continuing to lie by omission to her husband? You tell me how that makes a good marriage.
Artie Lang Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 (edited) i read your other thread on the "other" side, and i can't shake the feeling that you're still caught up in a fog. you were ready to meet him again, for Christ's sake- 2 years later. you say he deserves closure..... c'mon. furthermore, you admit that you still love him, and ALWAYS will. have you informed your husband of these feelings you still have? this doesn't sound like your marriage is as "solid" as you say. it seems like the only reason you come forward to your husband is when things come to a head..... that's the only reason you tell your husband about OM's activities. i might be wrong, but it sounds like you invite this drama on yourself by being so deceptive concerning this situation. by this, i mean that your husband is only included in the discussion on a "need-to-know" basis. according to you- "why cause waves, right." it just seems like you have more loyalty to this OM than to your husband, that's all. am i wrong? this information should've been forwarded to this woman 2 years ago. you've let this fester for too long. Edited May 26, 2013 by Artie Lang 2
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