mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) Okay, so my ex and I broke up over a month ago. Some of you know my story so I'll keep it brief. We were together for 2 years, had a wonderful relationship, it ended very suddenly (even the morning we broke up was great), he left for a married woman who lives far away, and told me we had unfixable issues, many of which are downright silly. The first 2 weeks he was a jerk and would write me responsive messages saying we shouldn't talk anymore. He seemed like he was not hurting and like I was a pest. I was breaking NC mainly because the breakup was fresh and I was hurting. After a brief vacation I was in a better place again. That's when it happened! There were texts about how terrific and wonderful I was, and how he's thinking about me. I ignored them. I got a birthday gift from him and didn't say anything, even though I felt bad. The next day he texted me saying he looked at my Facebook (we are NOT FB friends so he was stalking me) and loved the pictures from Mexico, and was sure it was difficult but hoped I made happy memories. I responded with "thank you and thanks for the gift". Then he wrote me another text saying he prays everyday that we'll be in each other's life and I'm so important to him. Then a few days later, he texted me saying to call him immediately it was an emergency. He called me 6 times in a row! I thought something happened. I called him back but it was NOT an emergency. The call ended badly because I was mad and felt tricked. He left me a text saying there were other reasons he wanted to talk. He called me for logistics reason, and I wanted to text but ended up calling him back, expecting a brief call. I only called him cause it was my off day, I had to go into work and was really stressed out. Work ended up not needing me and my ex and I talked for over an hour. It was clear he missed me and tried to not let me hang up the phone. Then he told me how much he loved me and all these things he'd never tell anyone else, ever. He even said he's not in a good place right now, and is hurting terribly. I said goodbye. Then almost 2 days later he wrote me a 6 page message owning up to what he did, saying it wasn't right, trying to explain himself, saying how heartbroken he is, how he was distant the first few weeks because he was confused, how he can't stay strong anymore and is hurting terribly, how he's praying for a miracle to make this right again, wondering if he's lying to himself about this situation and basically the message all of us wish we could receive. I thought he was owning up to his actions. I responded. The next message was disappointing. He wrote me another long message bringing up past memories, saying he doesn't feel full without me, but no commitments, no promises of trying to be better than this, no nothing. I wrote him a brief message back saying I had nothing else to say. That he should contact me for friendship when he's ready to be better than this, and when he's cut that woman out of his life. The fact is he's been with that married woman, living with her for the past 2 weeks. He skipped work, and ditched his family and friends for that. He's also wasted a lot of money to fly down there and be there. So he's been writing these messages to me while he's living with her!!! After that conversation, he forwarded emails to me he knew I deleted. When we first met we both traveled for a month in other countries separately. We wrote each other probably over 150 emails during that time. He forwarded them to me, and other random messages that he really loved about us. He wrote me a separate email saying how he will always love me and how I'll always mean the world to me. Last night he texted me saying he's thinking about me and wishes me a goodnight. Then this morning I wake up to an email that says "I love you. Sleep well." It's hard to do NC like this. I'm trying to really stay strong but has anyone dealt with anything remotely like this. How do you drag yourself away? I'm glad I told him specifically what I wanted from him and made it clear friendship was not possible right now and never will be if he doesn't try to be better than this crap. But oh my gosh, this is getting ridiculous. And it's not even an attempt to get me back. I don't even know what it is! Thoughts anyone? And please be kind for me breaking NC. It's been really recent for me and I thought it was an emergency, and the last time I thought he was being sincere. Edited May 25, 2013 by mbee
Author mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Oh and for the record. I deactivated Facebook. I'm not sure how he was stalking me but that will prevent it for awhile.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Wow. Just wow. I would be FUMING mad if my ex pulled this cr@p on me. Our exes KNOW we are probably still in love with them and would agree to work on a possibly reconciliation if they wanted it badly enough. They know. The fact he left you for someone else? I am not sure what to think about that. I am not sure what he is doing ......................................... Possible reasons, lets go through them logically: - he did not love you enough to commit and keep away from getting feelings for another women: yet he still thinks the world of you and he is still in shock that he has lost what you guys had together. Reaching out to you gives HIM comfort. - because of the close bond you guys once had, he still feels a huge need to have you in his life - he feels lost without you since you were such a huge part of his life, and he is seeking comfort in what he once had with you - he realises that he made a mistake, had some mid life crisis, and that he truly loves you. ................................................................ Think though; how common is it for a man who is madly in love with a women to have the capacity to leave her for another women? Unless there was some very bad crisis within himself, and he broke down and has severe personal issues; I doubt he was madly in love with you. Therefore, because there is a slim chance he loves you in the way you deserve to be loved: him reaching out is him realising that hey, the new lady is not so great after all, and he actually loves you more than he does her. The fact he LEFT for her, says it all; irrespective of whether he wants you more than the new women, his ACTIONS show that you would be better off with a man who would NEVER leave you for another women. .............................................. Basically; there is only a very slim chance that this guy truly loves you in the deepest possible way that you DESERVE from say, a life partner. And if he does love you in that way.. he is severely messed up for leaving you and is probably not ready to even be in a relationship until he sorts himself out with a therapist. Therefore, I think you would be better off finding a man who CLEARLY is crazily in love with you, with actions to match, and no contradictory behaviour, AKA: leaving you for another women he let himself develop feelings for. In short: your better off cutting the contact he is trying to impose on you, and totally moving on and cutting him out so that you can meet the right guy who would not DO this to you.
Author mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Hey Leigh. I think much of what you said is correct. Even he affirmed it in a way. In one of his messages he wrote to me, "I'm worried that I can't love someone in the way I need to in order to start a family." I know that when we first met, marriage and family was a goal for him and he had been discussing that with me right before things ended. So sadly, as much as I love him, I'm sure he's either not in the right place or just can't love me in the way he needs to. I do feel a lot of this communication is about giving him comfort like you said. However, I do agree he has some personal issues. It's why in all my messages I keep telling him that he's better than this. I get the feeling he's unhappy with his life in many ways, and feeling like someone loves you is a way out of it. After 2 years you can imagine that he was faced with a lot of tough decisions about his life regarding his career, marriage and things that he may not feel he can provide right now. Instead of working it out with me, it was easy to hit the reset mode and pursue someone who will never bring up marriage or family for a long time, especially since she is married. It hurts so badly since I love him so much, but I know reconciliation or friendship just isn't possible. Even if he came back, I know we would have a long road of recovery. Even if years from now, he came back, I wouldn't have faith that he loved me enough. It just hurts that he keeps doing this to me. He left me, he made the choice to do this. He's the one who didn't want "us" anymore. Why make it worse by telling me all these beautiful things and feeding me false hope. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Hey Leigh. I think much of what you said is correct. Even he affirmed it in a way. In one of his messages he wrote to me, "I'm worried that I can't love someone in the way I need to in order to start a family." I know that when we first met, marriage and family was a goal for him and he had been discussing that with me right before things ended. So sadly, as much as I love him, I'm sure he's either not in the right place or just can't love me in the way he needs to. I do feel a lot of this communication is about giving him comfort like you said. However, I do agree he has some personal issues. It's why in all my messages I keep telling him that he's better than this. I get the feeling he's unhappy with his life in many ways, and feeling like someone loves you is a way out of it. After 2 years you can imagine that he was faced with a lot of tough decisions about his life regarding his career, marriage and things that he may not feel he can provide right now. Instead of working it out with me, it was easy to hit the reset mode and pursue someone who will never bring up marriage or family for a long time, especially since she is married. It hurts so badly since I love him so much, but I know reconciliation or friendship just isn't possible. Even if he came back, I know we would have a long road of recovery. Even if years from now, he came back, I wouldn't have faith that he loved me enough. It just hurts that he keeps doing this to me. He left me, he made the choice to do this. He's the one who didn't want "us" anymore. Why make it worse by telling me all these beautiful things and feeding me false hope. OMG, I feel for you! I just don't know why people do this, but you are correct that for some, getting too close combined with uncertainty, leads to some irrational behavior or inadequacy and so easier to cut it short before proving (in themselves) that it wasn't meant to be after all or he/she wasn't good enough after all. It is painful and unsettling. I wish you well.
lovelifexx Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 What if you write: If you truly love me, you will leave me alone so I can recover from this. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 What if you write: If you truly love me, you will leave me alone so I can recover from this. UGH. Yes, this should do it, right?
Author mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Thanks everyone for the support. I told him to leave me alone and that he was hurting me a couple of days ago. I made it clear that I did not think he could love me in the way I needed and deserved and that would need to do some hardcore reevaluating of his life. I then made it clear he needs to stop talking to me since it's hurting me, and that if he loves me he'll understand that. And after that message, he sent me a text and that email saying "I love you. Sleep well" I feel at this point, I have no choice but to just stay strong and avoid talking to him as possible. He's coming back here in a couple of days so I'm trying to arrange a last minute trip to leave the area for a bit. I can work from home so that shouldn't be a problem. And yes, soccerrprp, I'll never know why he did this. We had something so good, and it had issues like any other relationship. But he threw it away just to avoid dealing with his own personal issues and the issues we had as a couple. I just wish I hadn't fallen so hard for him. And I wish he was as cutthroat as some of the exes I read about on here. It makes it worse and frustrating when they still want you in some capacity.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Wow this is a hard one. Look, I LOVE me ex too! I love him incredibly. He let me go though which makes it hard to believe he could have loved me the same way that I love him! The thing is, though; in spite of our issues, we had a GREAT relationship. And here is the kicker: there was NO Other women involved. ................ Here is what I would do if: he comes back, says he made a huge mistake letting me go, he loves me desperately and he wants to try again.. ....AFTER he hooks up and casually dates another chick. Leigh 87: " I don't know, Andrew..... Why did it need to take you another women to come back to me" Idiot ex: : Leigh 87, I love you so much and I want you in my life again, I love you so much more than that chick and she only made me realise how much I want to be with YOU Leigh 87: " After cutting contact with you, I have moved on and acted like we would never be together again. I mourned the loss of you. It is going to take getting to know each other again and a lot of work to make the new relationship a healthy and ideal one" " but since I Have not met the love of my life yet, I am willing to give it another shot" " are you SURE your not just doing this cos' your lonely and liked having me do ****e for you, like making your damnn sandwiches for work, cleaning after you and driving you to and from your mates house on weekends? Idiot ex: NO Leigh 87 as if that is why I am reaching out to you in this way.. I LOVE you, I Want you in my life, with me in every way, again. PLEASE can we spend some time together" ......................... And this is only if he got with the girl AFTER we split. If he left me for another girl, then... Look, he would have to have been extremely messed up and acknowledge it and get therapy for it, for me to even consider taking him back if he left me for another women! .............................. Your right for moving on. I told you want I would do, from the perspective of a women who is seriously in love with a guy who let her go. I would feel like " you BROKE my HEART and LEFT WHAT WE HAD, how close we were, and the amazing bond we had!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I would be so cautious about his intentions. And yeah only if he only got with the other girl AFTER he left, not right away, immediately... .................................... I mean there is a chance your ex loves you as much as HE CAN love a women! He could have a reduced capacity to love, which was evident in his " I am not sure I Can love any women enough to marry and etc" It is not YOUR problem though. Even if HE DOES truly love you in the BEST way that HE can: you deserve BETTER. You have a job, your a cool person; you also deserve a guy who is emotionally mature, stable, and healthy. 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I am SO sorry about this by the way. I am SO in love with me ex, who I am in NC with, and it is truly killing me! You can pm me if you want support if your hurting a lot - I too, thought my ex and I had a wonderful relationship. It really kills me to live without him, I miss what we had so much. I would take him back at this stage but I would draw the line if he was THAT unstable that he left me for another women. Sorry. A second chance for us would be.. Like a fairy tale IF they were serious about their love and SURE that they would change and do everything they could to be with us again. The thing is: the other women in this picture has ruined it for you. It would for me. The other women in the picture is THE ONLY way I would NOT take my ex back. And I LOVE him. SO much. I really feel for you, I was with my ex around the same time frame you were with your ex. It just plain hurts and there is no way around it. We will learn to live with our love for them, and then one day our love for them will stall and we will fall for a man who deserves us. Stay strong. BLock his number. HE does not get it. He will keep contacting u. I would honestly block his number.. 1
Author mbee Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 Thanks for the support Leigh and I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. This is so tough though but I am hoping every week will get easier. I just need to stick by my guns and not fall for the same lines. You are right we have a long road ahead of us if there ever is an us again. I don't want to feel like second best. He'd have to fight for us, we'd both need space and time apart, he would need to seek therapy and change, and so much more. Here's to getting through the next few months and staying strong. Thanks for your support and feel free to message me if you ever need to talk as well.
Leigh 87 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Yes they would have to be COMPLETELY convinced, that after time and space without us: they are madly in love with us and want us back in a relationship (albeit, a relationship would not occur right away and they would have to KNOW they wanted one 100%, yet would still have to work for it) My ex was messed up too: he saw hookers and talked to girls online. He thought I was " easy going" and "different" from other girls, and that I would understand that it is just sexting online, and it was just meaningless hooker sex. :sick::sick: The thing is... I have gut intuition, I tend to KNOW when something is off, and a guy is not totally in love with me! With him? I honestly think he loved me as much as he COULD love; I think he is messed up and cannot love any women necessarily "more" than he loved me. I am telling you this to distract you from your guy for a second:) Well, my guy showed every sign he was crazily in love with me; as time went by, we still acted super loved up. And he is not even the type of guy to act that way towards a girl. He loved me so much though he could not help himself with me... You know what I mean? In EVERY WAY besides his disgusting hooker and other habit, he made me FEEL like he was completely in love with me. In the end HE left ME due to MY issues. I admit, I caused trouble a lot, as I was not happy in MY OWN life and I took it out on him. ................................... Look, here is what I think will happen (although I DO NOT want us to think about what could happen after I type this and after you read this. Lets just contemplate logically what could happen with our guys, and then let it rest and try to move on, okay?" 1. As time goes on, your guy will realise that he needs to change in order to be able to fully love a women; he will realise he could have fully loved YOU; the seeds were there, but HE was holding himself back from being ABLE to realise his full love for you. He agrees to see a therapist and work through his issues, cos he realises this issue within himself, and wants to address it in order to be with you. 2. He realises that, while he loved you dearly: he was not IN love crazily with you, and that it will take the right women to make him change 3. While he will realise that he needs to change, he will still move on from you after time and space erases his love for you, enough for him to fall just as deep or more for another women. 4. ( MOST LIKELY) he will continue on with his idiot ways and jump from relationship to relationship, without fixing himself enough to fully commit and love a women forever; he will be in contact with you sporadically throughout this time, since he will never be happy with a women for that long. He may change one day when if snaps and realises he WANTS more for himself. He may or may not contact you after that point ( he may contact another women he has been with you since though, to try to work on his issues with her) In shot: people tend to be weak. He will continue on the way he is until he can't anymore and wants to give all his love to one women in a healthy relationship. It probably won't be you, but it may be. He will contact you with breadcrumbs in the meanwhile. Only NC and time and space will result in any realisation that he is still very much in love with you. You are better served moving on in the meanwhile, since there are guys out there who will 100% KNOW they want to marry you and commit to you entirely. .................... Me? 1. My idiot ex will spend time and space away from me and move on, hook up and eventually meet another women he falls more in love with than he did with me, and lives happily ever after with her 2. The ABOVE - only she leaves him. He may get into contact with me after this 3. He leaves HER - and gets into contact with me 4. THE LEAST likely scenario: he moves on, hooks up, yet realises that he is still in love with me and wants to try to reach out and talk to me, with the hope of getting back together. ...........................................................
Leigh 87 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Now you see that although there are many scenarios, the least likely ones are that our exes will realise how crazily in love with us they are and that they would give anything to be with us again? And even if they did feel that way: it will take NC on YEARS or at least a year or more, for them to COME to that realisation anyway! It IS possible for guys to realise they do have the capacity to FULLY love an ex as much as they CAN have love for a women. It is just highly unlikely! Do you know why? Well... I know my ex has the capacity to love me as much as he CAN love a person. I just felt it. The thing is, he will probably FIND the right girl in the meanwhile. Only if he does not find a serious relationship within a year or more, or if he has one and it does not work, will he even have a chance to contact me and meet me and then fall in love with me again. I think it is a LOT more likely that they will move on. And then sadly, address their issues with the next girl they fall in love with. And will only contact us if the next girl does not work out. I hope my logical opinions as to what could happen with our exes have helped. Let's both let go now and move on entirely for now, and let the future dictate what our fate is! With NC and time, we will stop thinking about out exes altogether! .....................................................
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