Graduate Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I just got dumped by a guy I was dating for the last 2 months. I thought things were going relatively well, we were in daily contact and recently started seeing each other twice a week. Yesterday he called saying he 'did not feel it' and wanted to concentrate on his career. This sucks, but sh-t happens. Problem is that this has happened three times to me in the last year or so. I meet a nice guy, we start dating and he seems to really care for me. But after a few months (2-4) he suddenly calls telling me that his feelings have changed, and even though he thinks I am great and exactly the kind of girl he wants to be with, it just does not feel right. This pattern worries me, I think I might be doing something wrong (being too clingy/needy/closed off/boring...) but don't know what it is. On a dating advice site I read that you should ask your dumper if there was something that you did, that made them change their mind. Has anyone of you ever done that, if so how did you formulate it? And if not, would you do it? I am getting tired of being dumped after a few months and would like to know if there is something I am doing/saying that is causing this. On the other hand, I wonder how likely it is that they will be honest, and also, I don't want to come across as trying to hang on or change his mind. Thank you for your thoughts!
crude Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 It sounds like they simply don't want to be with you for the rest of their lives, either because they want to look around for someone they think is better or they don't want to be exclusive and then get married. It's a huge jump from being with a person for fun outings and being 75 years old and having been with only one person for 50 years. If you really want to know, then by all means ask them all to be brutally honest and don't accept tactful bs. It's better to know than to be haunted by the mystery.
TaraMaiden Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I once went for an interview with a company, the position for which I knew i was perfectly qualified. I was turned down. Rarely, in this day and age, I actually received the rejection letter. I rang the guy who had interviewed me, and written the letter to me, and said the following: "Thank you very much for your letter, which, in spite of it's negative content, was a pleasure to receive, as it happens so rarely. I wonder if you would mind if I asked you - and I'm in no way challenging your decision, complaining or reproaching you, but - why did you reject my application? The reason I'd like to know, is because if there is something about my approach, skill-sets or attitude which you feel may need modifying, I'd be happy to have some constructive criticism, and take that on board to work with." His reply was a surprise. "You don't need to change anything. You're capable of much better. In my view, you are OVER-qualified for the job, and I know that means one of two things: Either you'll get bored, and move on to other pastures, or you'd be after my job soon - and get it!" I have since used this tactic a couple of times, and while occasionally it turned out the problem was in their attitude, and not my credentials, it's good to be armed with all information possible - providing you use it constructively, and take it in, if it's appropriate, or leave it aside if you don't believe it is..... Ask him, in a similar way to the way I posed the question. Explain to him that it's happened to you before, and it's beginning to affect your self-esteem a little. Don't make yourself sound clingy/needy. keep your tone upbeat, and wish him well. Then, depending on what he offers, take it in and think on it. Let us know how it goes.
MsSmurf Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Graduate I totally understand your desire to know whats up, but I don't think asking any of these guys will be good for you. Suppose the reason is something that you cannot change about yourself or something superficial/materialistic......how exactly would that help you? It wouldn't, but your feelings would be hurt. If you have a good male friend that's who I would ask. A good male friend would be aware of how you are when you're dating someone versus how you are solo and is more likely to tell you honestly if you're clingy, codependent, annoying, high maintenance, etc. Those are all things you can change if you want to.
salparadise Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I think it's fine to ask, and it's natural that you'd want some explanation. The only thing is that, unlike the job application scenario that TM mentioned, dating is a lot more complex than choosing the best fit out of a small handful of qualified candidates. It involves emotions, identity, ego, defense mechanisms and who knows how many other subconscious factors. So if you ask, the response you're likely to get will be some combination of how he has consciously justified it to himself, and what he wants you to believe. I had a few extensive discussions with a previous gf who decided she wanted to end our relationship and was amused at the range of justifications she offered, none of which dealt with what might have been going on beneath the surface in her own mind. It was all about how she could justify it to herself and still think of herself as as infallible. There is minimal overlap between what she said and what I now feel was her real motivation. I am aware that I would be doing some mental gymnastics of my own as well. Perceptions in this realm is tricky business and objectivity is elusive to say the least.
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