lovelifexx Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 My ex boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were together for a year and I was his first gf. We had an amazing relationship and he said it was the happiest time of his life. We broke up because his family would never accept our relationship. I am older than him and also I am a teacher and his family is all about status, wealth and reputation. He was really sad when we broke up so we agreed to be friends and always be there for eachother. I was totally devestated but i didnt show him as i didnt want him to worry about me. But then after a week, i never heard from him again. I sent him a mail and he never answered. If i ran into him in town he completely avoided me. It hurt so bad and i couldnt understand why he was doing that when we were so close and broke up on good terms. After 5 months i saw him at a party and asked him if we could talk. He said we could talk another time. Finally he sent me an email and asked what i wanted. I told him i hated that we are like strangers and that he means so much to me. I said i still love him but that i really would like to be friends, to be able to talk and hang out together. I am good friends with all my exes so i know i can handle this. He answered that if i really believed i could just be friends then thats great. I was so happy....so a few days later i asked if he wanted to come over and watch tennis (we both play), he replied: I have plans, and generally i dont think it is a good idea. I just dont understand. We had a really great time together and shared so much. If we cant be together doesn't he think the next best thing would be to be friends? Doesnt he miss my company? He was acting so cold in his emails, it feels like he doesnt like me at all. His family doesnt mind if we are friends they just dont think we shoukd be together.
mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I understand your concern but everyone is different. Just because you want to be friends and think it's a good idea, does not mean he should as well. I once had a similar situation with an ex in the past. In the end, being friends was good for me, but not for him. We had to go NC for over a year and then we could start being friends, but even then, it was distant friends. I'm not a mind reader but it's clear he doesn't want to be friends. Nor should you expect him to want that. I know the breakup ended well from your perspective, but clearly he's interpreting it differently. Let him go and if he wants to be friends he'll come to you. It's a sad fact of life that people come and go. Accept that he may not be a part of your life, even as a friends. Accept that he's not ready yet and be respectful enough to not try and convince him otherwise or be pushy about it. Just give him the space and time he needs.
simplyamazing Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I'm a firm believer that in both instances (dumper and dumpee) that I can't remain friends with my exes. It makes it too hard to move on, and it could complicate a potential future relationship. I also have no desire in reconciling with an ex. I either left that ex for a reason, or she left me for a reason.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 You cannot be friends with someone who you still love in a romantic way. To be blunt: can you handle being around him, re living the past with him, while he is hooking up other women or he is actually seriously dating another women? Unless you can see him together with another women, completely happy; you do not want to be his friend! You can be mates with your previous exes because you have lost your romantic feelings for them. You can obviously chat to them about their latest girlfriends and not feel hurt. Really though, if you have SERIOUSLY been IN love with a man who leaves you, and you are still in love with him - you will NOT be able to be his friend!!!!!!!!! It sounds like you must not have been seriously in love with the exes your now "good friends" with. If your TRULY in love with a man and he leaves, trust me, there is absolutely NO way you would just be able to be buddies with them while they are happy with someone else:sick: Remember that the more you love a guy, the less likely it is that you will ever be friends. Please DO NOT remain in contact with this guy, it will turn toxic if you truly love him still! What did you want? To watch tennis? Be honest with yourself: did you JUST want to sit NEXT to him, without hugging him, without kissing him and without being intimate with him? Do you honestly think it would make you happy watching tennis with a guy your in love with and want to BE with?
Author lovelifexx Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 It doesn't matter WHY. It matters that he doesn't. Do the kind and decent thing and leave him alone. Just because you're friends with all your exes does not mean you have to be friends with this one. Be kind - let him go. I dont understand what you mean that I should be "kind and decent"? Am I being mean? I was so heartbroken when we broke up i couldnt eat or sleep for months but i never told him. He was totally avoiding me so i just let him be. I sm still so in love with him and want more than anything to be together but if we can only be friends than i sccept that. I am not going to oresure him to be friends with me. I understand that he doesnt want to. Why i came on here is to adk why he totally doesnt want me in his life when when i have been so good to him snd we had such a great time together. I miss him so much, i just think it would be so nice to be able to talk and laugh together. It just feels like he is acting like i broke up with him, like i did something wrong to him. But i've really did everything i could to make him happy during our relationship and when he broke up with me.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 He is not acting like your the one who left him. He is just acting like he has feelings too, and being maybe around you makes him feel bad? He once liked you remember, and just because he left it does not mean he does not care; it would confuse him to be around a girl he was once very close to! It may hinder him in moving on from you if your still around him.. And clearly YOUR not being honest about the fact you are okay with just being his friend! You love him! You want him back! So why would it make sense to be friends with a guy you LOVE when he is out hooking up with other chicks, and could possibly be getting serious with a new girl? You cannot handle being his friend when your in love with him. Losing all hope of being with him and never talking to him again will be far better than if you remain friends. If you let go of him forever and cut all contact - you will be able to move on, if you accept that your both over for good. To the contrary: if you hold onto a man that does not love you enough to want to BE with you, you will remain in love with him and unable to move on to find a guy who DOES want to be with you. Do you want to remain stuck on your ex? Do you want to not be able to move on to a guy who DOES want you, while your ex IS moving on to girls he DOES want to be with?
Author lovelifexx Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 You cannot be friends with someone who you still love in a romantic way. To be blunt: can you handle being around him, re living the past with him, while he is hooking up other women or he is actually seriously dating another women? Unless you can see him together with another women, completely happy; you do not want to be his friend! You can be mates with your previous exes because you have lost your romantic feelings for them. You can obviously chat to them about their latest girlfriends and not feel hurt. Really though, if you have SERIOUSLY been IN love with a man who leaves you, and you are still in love with him - you will NOT be able to be his friend!!!!!!!!! It sounds like you must not have been seriously in love with the exes your now "good friends" with. If your TRULY in love with a man and he leaves, trust me, there is absolutely NO way you would just be able to be buddies with them while they are happy with someone else:sick: Remember that the more you love a guy, the less likely it is that you will ever be friends. Please DO NOT remain in contact with this guy, it will turn toxic if you truly love him still! What did you want? To watch tennis? Be honest with yourself: did you JUST want to sit NEXT to him, without hugging him, without kissing him and without being intimate with him? Do you honestly think it would make you happy watching tennis with a guy your in love with and want to BE with? I admit that it would hurt a bit. But we broke up because of circumstance, because we couldnt be together. I agree that i would have found if i was still in love with someone. But we cant be together, it wasnt that he fell out of love with me or we fought a lot. If we cant be together than id want the next best thing.
mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 lovelifexx thank you for being honest with us. That makes more sense since your original post made it seem like you were over him and loved him as a friend. My answer remains the same. However, I have something else to add. You shouldn't be friends with him if you are in love with him. I've walked that road before and it will lead to more pain. You'll have conversations about new relationships he's in and you'll leave in pain, hoping for reconciliation that will likely never happen. Save yourself the pain and let it go. He likely knows what you are doing and doesn't want to hurt you further. I will never understand people and why they do things. You can't try to understand your ex. When he's ready to be your friend or more, then he'll come back to you. Have faith in that and accept that. Move on, and next time just be honest with us about your intentions. We are all there for you and I know that friends seems like it makes the most sense, but you will only get hurt more. Be friends when you aren't in love with him anymore and there are no more feelings and you can accept that you guys broke up and will never have anything else again.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 How about you have some consideration for HIS feelings? If he left you mostly due to circumstances, and he still had strong feelings for you and still DOES have feelings for you, don't you think that hanging out with YOU will only make it harder for HIM to move on? My ex left me because of circumstances: he did not stop loving me. He did not love me enough to stay with me, but he still loved me and had strong feelings for me. He also wanted to be "friends". Heck, he even said that " we would not date or hook up with other people either, so we would not run the risk of hurting each other" You know what though? IT WOULD NOT WORK. We both like sex, for starters! Unless we ended up getting back together, we would start hooking up and seriously dating other people. Hanging out together should only EVER be done, if BOTH people are working towards a new relationship. If he has no intention of getting back together with you, being just friends will NEVER. work.
BustedUpInside Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I dont understand what you mean that I should be "kind and decent"? Am I being mean? I was so heartbroken when we broke up i couldnt eat or sleep for months but i never told him. He was totally avoiding me so i just let him be. I sm still so in love with him and want more than anything to be together but if we can only be friends than i sccept that. I am not going to oresure him to be friends with me. I understand that he doesnt want to. Why i came on here is to adk why he totally doesnt want me in his life when when i have been so good to him snd we had such a great time together. I miss him so much, i just think it would be so nice to be able to talk and laugh together. It just feels like he is acting like i broke up with him, like i did something wrong to him. But i've really did everything i could to make him happy during our relationship and when he broke up with me. Normally, I would try to be encouraging about moving on from someone who doesn't want to be an equal participant in a relationship that you want. However, you specifically asked why he wouldn't want you in his life when you used to have such a good time together. I am sorry, but the brutal honest truth is that your ex doesn't want you in his life because he is no longer interested in anything about you. He doesn't love you anymore. He doesn't want to be friends because he knows that you are still hung up on him and he doesn't want to have to deal with your emotions or you trying to make him feel guilty for not sharing your feelings. He wants to move on with his life, and probably meet and date new women. Again, I am not saying any of this stuff to hurt your feelings, even though I think it probably will. I just want you to be aware of how damaging it will be to your self-esteem to continue to try to push for a relationship when your ex clearly does not want to be involved with you in any way anymore. 1
Lostint Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 If I were your ex I would be completely baffled by your behaviour and would probably have started a thread on here called 'why does she want to be friends?' For most people, once youve been involved with someone romantically, it is then extremely painful to continue seeing that person but not be able to talk to them intimately / touch them or do any of the other things that people in relationships do. Being friends is not the next best thing to being in a relationship. If that were true I'd be perfectly happy to be single and wouldn't miss my ex at all because I have plenty of friends. In reality I always feel way more lonely and miss my ex much more after spending a weekend with my friends, because it makes me realise what a huge gulf there is between having friends and having a boyfriend. If you really feel nothing more than friendship for this guy, then you need to respect his pain and leave him alone. If, on the other hand, you still want a relationship with him, then you should fight for it. It sounds like he still has feelings for you. Who cares what his family thinks?
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Here is another thing she probably does not want to hear... Her ex is not "acting all upset like she is the one who broke up with him" The reason why he ignored you after he broke up with you, if because he CLEARLY did not want to be with you, and therefore he wanted to cut you out entirely. Because the logical thing to do when you do not want to be together, is to cut them out entirely. He was obviously very sure about what he wanted. Talking to you would only set him back. That is why he cut you off and wanted nothing to do with you. The reason WHY he did not want to be with you is irrelevant; I know you said he only left because his parents forced him to. He still wanted to cut contact with you because he HAD NO INTEREST in getting back with you.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 If I were your ex I would be completely baffled by your behaviour and would probably have started a thread on here called 'why does she want to be friends?' For most people, once youve been involved with someone romantically, it is then extremely painful to continue seeing that person but not be able to talk to them intimately / touch them or do any of the other things that people in relationships do. Being friends is not the next best thing to being in a relationship. If that were true I'd be perfectly happy to be single and wouldn't miss my ex at all because I have plenty of friends. In reality I always feel way more lonely and miss my ex much more after spending a weekend with my friends, because it makes me realise what a huge gulf there is between having friends and having a boyfriend. If you really feel nothing more than friendship for this guy, then you need to respect his pain and leave him alone. If, on the other hand, you still want a relationship with him, then you should fight for it. It sounds like he still has feelings for you. Who cares what his family thinks? No women that has any self respect of dignity should FIGHT for a guy. They KNOW we still love them and would do anything to be with them! This guy should WANT to be with her so much that he is willing to hide it from his parents. He does not want her that much. He may have feelings, but they are NOT strong enough, or he would have wanted her back by now and admitted to her that he made a terrible mistake. Instead, he is avoiding friendship, because I honestly think he has a new girlfriend or is at least hooking up with other girls; hence he sees her as a set back. He may have to deal with her hurt over him being with other women. If a guy wants someone back they make it known. Telling the OP to fight for a guy who does not want to be with her is the WORST advice ever. Sorry you mean well. My ex loved me a great deal too but not ENOUGH to want me back and to realise he wants to be with me so much that he is willing to try to work through our issues together.
simplyamazing Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 If I were your ex I would be completely baffled by your behaviour and would probably have started a thread on here called 'why does she want to be friends?' For most people, once youve been involved with someone romantically, it is then extremely painful to continue seeing that person but not be able to talk to them intimately / touch them or do any of the other things that people in relationships do. Being friends is not the next best thing to being in a relationship. If that were true I'd be perfectly happy to be single and wouldn't miss my ex at all because I have plenty of friends. In reality I always feel way more lonely and miss my ex much more after spending a weekend with my friends, because it makes me realise what a huge gulf there is between having friends and having a boyfriend. If you really feel nothing more than friendship for this guy, then you need to respect his pain and leave him alone. If, on the other hand, you still want a relationship with him, then you should fight for it. It sounds like he still has feelings for you. Who cares what his family thinks? This. This sums up why it's so hard to be friends with an ex. This post is excellent, until the last bit.
Author lovelifexx Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 If I were your ex I would be completely baffled by your behaviour and would probably have started a thread on here called 'why does she want to be friends?' For most people, once youve been involved with someone romantically, it is then extremely painful to continue seeing that person but not be able to talk to them intimately / touch them or do any of the other things that people in relationships do. Being friends is not the next best thing to being in a relationship. If that were true I'd be perfectly happy to be single and wouldn't miss my ex at all because I have plenty of friends. In reality I always feel way more lonely and miss my ex much more after spending a weekend with my friends, because it makes me realise what a huge gulf there is between having friends and having a boyfriend. If you really feel nothing more than friendship for this guy, then you need to respect his pain and leave him alone. If, on the other hand, you still want a relationship with him, then you should fight for it. It sounds like he still has feelings for you. Who cares what his family thinks? Thank u for your reply. Yes, his best friend thinks he still loves me. However, he is a lot younger and i think he cares so much what his parents think. His family has ties to the royal family is famous and powerful where i live so they think he deserves someone better than a poor teacher. And on top of that his mother is really messed up. I just thought that since I know we cant be together i could accept being friends. But perhaps you are right. I have not been pressuring or harrassing him. After 5 months of no contact i asked if we could be friends. Its obvious he doesnt want to now. I replied that "i understand". I wont ever contact him again. 2
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I really admire you if you can truly stick to that - leaving him alone and not contacting him again. In the short term it seems way easier to still have some contact with them, because you love them so much and just want to be with them in any way. In the long run though, your only holding each other back. So your ex still loves you. I am sure my ex still loves me too. They do not want to be WITH us though, so being around them will only hurt them, since they cannot be with is even though they love us. Your ex is being smart by not wanting to be your friend! That is for sure!
Author lovelifexx Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 No women that has any self respect of dignity should FIGHT for a guy. They KNOW we still love them and would do anything to be with them! This guy should WANT to be with her so much that he is willing to hide it from his parents. He does not want her that much. He may have feelings, but they are NOT strong enough, or he would have wanted her back by now and admitted to her that he made a terrible mistake. Instead, he is avoiding friendship, because I honestly think he has a new girlfriend or is at least hooking up with other girls; hence he sees her as a set back. He may have to deal with her hurt over him being with other women. If a guy wants someone back they make it known. Telling the OP to fight for a guy who does not want to be with her is the WORST advice ever. Sorry you mean well. My ex loved me a great deal too but not ENOUGH to want me back and to realise he wants to be with me so much that he is willing to try to work through our issues together. No he is not dating anyone else or has even hooked up with anyone since we broke up. I am the only girl he has been with. I know because we have the same friends. I often see him at parties and i can see he feels really uncomfortable when im there. He cant even look at me. I try my best to act normal but i give him space. After 5 months of this i thought if i took the initiative he could at least act cool with eachother at parties and out with friends. I thought if we could meet and hang out and talk then it wouldnt be awkward for him. But yes, i also really miss his company and wanted to be close again. But i realize he doesnt want this and i can respect that.
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