ChckDlta Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I was so excited to leave for a work conference. 4 days without having to see him or talk to him at work! Fantastic! Day 1 was great. I actually had full and true NC. By day two, I saw the restaurant he and I visited last time we were in that city and it had closed down. By 8 pm that night, I was a crying, aching mess who decided to . . . wait for it . . . take that one full actual day of NC and stomp it and crush it into tiny unrecognizable pieces. I text him that night and continued to my whole trip. Things I should not have ever, ever said. What have I learned? It got me nowhere. Every text made it hurt more. He said the right things and all the very wrong things. I also learned that I am actually getting something from this having to see him. Apparently, it hurts more when I don't, even though it kills me having to see him and talk to him at work. I just got home about an hour ago. Realizing that I thought it was hard to see him, it is even harder not to. Realizing I better saddle up for this VERY LONG healing process. If he were out of sight it would be so much easier (albeit more painful- which is a scary thought that it could be more painful than this) to work him out of mind. I've heard it 1000 times but right now so hard to believe it gets better.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I feel for you:( Look, just be logical. FACT: any contact with him will hurt FACT: unless he begs for another chance with you, any other interaction with him will HURT FACT: unless he wants to get back together with you and realised that he is madly in love with you: you CANNOT HANDLE what he has to say. ............................................ FACT: it sucks you have to see each other for work, but going NC and ONLY dealing with him when you have to, and in a professional manner that is devoid of emotions: time WILL heal you. FACT: time will heal and enable you to move on and be open to meeting a guy who loves you more than your ex did I am hurting too, and it would be harder if I had to see him. I would change jobs... I would rather live off welfare until I found a new job (than have to see my ex)
TaraMaiden Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Insanity: Repeating the same stupid, tragic, mindless mistake over and over and over again, and expecting a different result. You didn't picture him having wild sex with a cute girl young enough to be his daughter, did you? You didn't picture the 'phone on speaker-phone, and all his buddies sitting around stifling laughter....? Why exactly do you do this to yourself? Re-read your threads, appraise the woman posting them (in a detached '3rd party' kind of way) and tell her waht she's doing wrong, and how to put it right. What is your opinion of her?? Get yourself out of this rut, ChckDlta because nobody is going to do it for you. This is a 'roll your own sleeves up and get dirty' kind of job. Start digging yourself out. Or else, stay stuck in this loop for... OK, how many years do you give it? Two? Five? MORE - ?!?
Author ChckDlta Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Fact: I love my job. Leaving is not an option. He broke my heart. He will not take the other thing I loved as much as him. End of story. Fact: The problem is, he is saying that he loves me. And that he wants another chance. That we are unbreakable and when he figures his **** out, all he wants is me. Insanity: If I knew one day he'd "get right" I have another 20 years in it. Fact: His actions and his words have never matched and that is why I said no and ended it. I don't tolerate stupidity in anyone. But apparently. him being stupid about us and me being stupid-er about him is a-okay! Fact: I know. Didn't ask for help in my post because I know what I did and continue to do wrong-- is on me. I know that makes me un-helpable if I wont help myself. I just needed to see it in print. And post it here rather than telling him. I KNOW I'm a ________ (fill in the blank). I know.
ballycastle Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I feel for you:( FACT: time will heal and enable you to move on and be open to meeting a guy who loves you more than your ex did My question is HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? How does ANYONE know they will meet someone who loves them more than their EX did? Why even write something like that? Isn't that like saying I will win the lottery tomorrow? Because the chances are we probably won't. Why are people so keen to reassure us that down the line there is someone out there who will be better than our EX? How do we know this for sure? Our Ex's could be the best thing we ever had and everything does downhill from there. 14 months post breakup, 4 months NC and I am still hurting so badly that it feels like day one of the breakup every single day. I know that CarrieT said it's different for every break up, but this is the worse one of my life. So much so I can NEVER see me getting past this. Not ever. And I know some of you will say we are holding our EX's to ransom on our hearts and allowing them to control our futures, but it isn't that. I am hurting more than words can say. And the thought of being close/intimate with someone ever again turns my stomach. Not that I crave to be held/cuddled/loved but that there is no way I will ever allow myself to be close to someone with a chance they could hurt me again. NOT EVER. I feel so utterly trapped.
Leigh 87 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 The reason we find someone "better" is because any self aware person who is driven to better themselves, will learn so much more about themselves from their last failed relationship. I am hurting like hell right now, however; with NC, time and space away from my ex: I can already feel that the next person will be a better fit FOR ME, as I now realise what was right AND wrong about my ex and our FAILED relationship. I know nothing is guaranteed in life! There ARE instances where exes were truly in love with you to the best of THEIR abilities yet other circumstances dictated that it was just not our time. If the level of love IS there from them, then if their first relationship does not work out, they may be back. The thing is though, it is WAYYYYYYYY more likely they our ex will also just move on and find a more suitable partner. Just like we are better equip to find a better partner that fits better than our exes did. Both our exes as well as US, have better learnt what hey want to FEEL in a relationship. Therefore, we are BOTH likely (with strict NC and TIME), to actually move on to a partner who we are able to love MORE due to them being a better fit for us. We will not look back even if our next partners do not work out, as we will realise that we loved them more than the last person anyway.
Leigh 87 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Think of it this way: as much as it hurts to let go of ALL HOPE for a reconciliation, it will enable us to love MORE and receive MORE LOVE the next time around. Holding onto hope prevents you from being open to a person who will LOVE YOU MORE than your ex ever did and ever CAN. 99.99999% of the time they left us BECAUSE they did not quiet love us enough, in addition to other issues. I know my ex loved me A GREAT deal, I do not want to undermine what you all HAD with an ex! My ex adored me and we were very loved up. The thing is, he has the capacity to love someone else MORE than he did me, and therefore both him AND I are BETTER OFF finding those people that are a better fit for us. As much as they loved us it likely was not quiet enough. And no it is not always a case of them QUICKLY finding the next person, and QUICKLY realising how OBVIOUS it was that their love for us was indeed nothing LIKE the love they CAN actually feel. I do not think my ex will move on and be like " WOW it is SO CLEAR that I did not love Leigh 87 that much at all, the FIRST girl I date makes that soooo apparent. It is more likely that for some of us who WERE in truly loving relationships where we both loved and adored one another, that: it will take both of us time and space apart before we actually move on to a person where we think " wow I love this person more completely than I have loved anyone" My ex and I were each others first loves, and I the strength and type of love we felt is not something my GUT tells me, is going to be easily found for both of us. I do not personally think that the love my ex and I felt towards each other is easily found; much less a stronger type of love! But it is out there for us. It is not all or nothing, black and white. It is likely NOT going to be the worst case scenario for those of us who WERE really in loving relationships where our exes DID love us dearly. The right person is hard to find! But they are out there for both our exes AND us. It will not magically happen, but the fact they left should be all we need to know. That while we will not replace each other EASILY or quickly, we WILL eventually.
TaraMaiden Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 (edited) The reason we find someone "better" is because any self aware person who is driven to better themselves, will learn so much more about themselves from their last failed relationship. I am hurting like hell right now, however; with NC, time and space away from my ex: I can already feel that the next person will be a better fit FOR ME. I know nothing is guaranteed in life! There ARE instances where exes were truly in love with you to the best of THEIR abilities yet other circumstances dictated that it was just not our time. Both our exes as well as US, have better learnt what hey want to FEEL in a relationship. We will not look back even if our next partners do not work out, as we will realise that we loved them more than the last person anyway. Think of it this way: as much as it hurts to let go of ALL HOPE for a reconciliation, it will enable us to love MORE and receive MORE LOVE the next time around. Holding onto hope prevents you from being open to a person who will LOVE YOU MORE. And no it is not always a case of them QUICKLY finding the next person, and QUICKLY realising how OBVIOUS it was that their love for us was indeed nothing LIKE the love they CAN actually feel. But it is out there for us. It is not all or nothing, black and white. It is likely NOT going to be the worst case scenario for those of us who WERE really in loving relationships where our exes DID love us dearly. The right person is hard to find! But they are out there for both our exes AND us. It will not magically happen, but the fact they left should be all we need to know. That while we will not replace each other EASILY or quickly, we WILL eventually. Better..... This is the problem. For both the OP and Leigh. Too much constant focus on the ex. You (both) need to understand that the yardstick for your happiness is NOT the guy you're obsessing over. The yardstick for your happiness is entirely based on YOU and what YOU want from life. While constant comparison is used, moving on completely, will be impossible. OP: You really need to see a psychological Counsellor. You need help, because the addiction to this guy is too strong for you to fight without some form of counselling. Leigh: You need to drop Andrew from your perspectives. You don't need him any more. He's not there, and if you play your cards right - and well - he never will be again. He is not a good reference point. Edited May 26, 2013 by TaraMaiden 1
ballycastle Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Think of it this way: as much as it hurts to let go of ALL HOPE for a reconciliation, it will enable us to love MORE and receive MORE LOVE the next time around. Holding onto hope prevents you from being open to a person who will LOVE YOU MORE than your ex ever did and ever CAN. 99.99999% of the time they left us BECAUSE they did not quiet love us enough, in addition to other issues. I know my ex loved me A GREAT deal, I do not want to undermine what you all HAD with an ex! My ex adored me and we were very loved up. The thing is, he has the capacity to love someone else MORE than he did me, and therefore both him AND I are BETTER OFF finding those people that are a better fit for us. As much as they loved us it likely was not quiet enough. And no it is not always a case of them QUICKLY finding the next person, and QUICKLY realising how OBVIOUS it was that their love for us was indeed nothing LIKE the love they CAN actually feel. I do not think my ex will move on and be like " WOW it is SO CLEAR that I did not love Leigh 87 that much at all, the FIRST girl I date makes that soooo apparent. It is more likely that for some of us who WERE in truly loving relationships where we both loved and adored one another, that: it will take both of us time and space apart before we actually move on to a person where we think " wow I love this person more completely than I have loved anyone" My ex and I were each others first loves, and I the strength and type of love we felt is not something my GUT tells me, is going to be easily found for both of us. I do not personally think that the love my ex and I felt towards each other is easily found; much less a stronger type of love! But it is out there for us. It is not all or nothing, black and white. It is likely NOT going to be the worst case scenario for those of us who WERE really in loving relationships where our exes DID love us dearly. The right person is hard to find! But they are out there for both our exes AND us. It will not magically happen, but the fact they left should be all we need to know. That while we will not replace each other EASILY or quickly, we WILL eventually. Thank you. This post resonated with me in moving forward. It's not that I am obsessing about my EX, I just get really sad like in waves from time to time, much less than before that I think is perfectly normal, hence why I posted on here and not contacted them, like again I would have done before. Sorry can't remember the person who replied to my post. Thank you for your advice, but saying 'I handled the breakup badly' pinched. Maybe I did. I was hurt, I am human, and thought breadcrumbs meant something until I found this site. I have learnt a lot from LS as to what my ex's behaviour meant. So actually I think I have come a long way. We will all have certain reminders, of our EXes, that sometimes just catch us unawares, it's only natural and last night I had many, felt sad, wanted to post. But I am learning about me, why I perhaps made the choices I did in previous relationships, I was really commenting on FEAR of making the same mistake again. Again a normal human response to being burnt too many times. And of course I will be careful, but wanted to express the overwhelming FEAR taking over in me making another mistake, more than in any other breakups. And I just wanted to know if anyone too felt that. To go through NC takes A LOT of strength. To give up any attachment/addiction takes strength, so we should be encouraged on our road to recovery not told I have handled things badly. Perhaps I have but there are ways to express it rather than making me feel like a failure. And yes, I did pretend my ex was dead to try and deal. If someone you loved had actually died then 14 months after their death you would still be thinking about them and still be sad and no one would say, 'Isn't it about time you forgot this dead person that you loved?' No they wouldn't. Taramaiden liking the response made to me and making my responder report that they felt like a celebrity is misplaced and bizarre, it is like certain posters are simply point scoring, vying for her attention like hers is the only way. And while it is one way, like I said, I loved this quoted post because it gives me hope. And how ever long it takes, when its time, then in time. In the meanwhile I am pressing forward in my recovery and will use this site in doing so
TaraMaiden Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Your recovery is slowed by your reluctance to do what works. By all means, 'press forward'. But know that this is going to take you years. I wish you well. I always wish people in severe pain, well. Even when for the major part, it is tragically self-inflicted.
Leigh 87 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 The thing is, we should also stop talking about our pasts, as Tara Maiden kindly took the time to warn us about. She warned us because talking about the past could actually make our hard work go to waste. If he are bettering ourselves and learning to love our loves and doing everything RIGHT; talking about our pasts will still undo a lot of the hard work we do. It is a good point but I understand that it is hard to act like your past is totally dead to you. Especially if your a caring women like I am and tend to care very much about the past and people within it. We can do it though. Already, I am dreaming of how fun it will be to find new hot men to have fun with. I did not think about other men at first, but weeks later I have started to think about how fun my future will be. Thinking about my past saddens me, where as thinking about what I have to look forward to with men helps me enjoy life more. Not saying to think about getting into an actual relationship anytime soon, however; it is fun to think about all the cool guys you get to pick from now!
Author ChckDlta Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 Better..... OP: You really need to see a psychological Counsellor. You need help, because the addiction to this guy is too strong for you to fight without some form of counselling. I can only assume I am the OP referenced here. And by that I can assume that 4 weeks post BU that to still be longing for my ex and slipping up and breaking NC makes me in need of psychological counseling. Interesting.
ballycastle Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Your recovery is slowed by your reluctance to do what works. By all means, 'press forward'. But know that this is going to take you years. I wish you well. I always wish people in severe pain, well. Even when for the major part, it is tragically self-inflicted. What? What reluctance? I am doing NC, been in therapy and striving to move forward. And years? So what if it does? I might be OK next month or a little longer. And, again, you are slightly condescending. 'I always wish people in severe pain, well.' WHAT?? No one said NC was easy. If it was there would be no need for people to seek forums such as these and if you googled NC you would get nothing back. So, please stop with the patronising posts. The thing is, we should also stop talking about our pasts, as Tara Maiden kindly took the time to warn us about. She warned us because talking about the past could actually make our hard work go to waste. If he are bettering ourselves and learning to love our loves and doing everything RIGHT; talking about our pasts will still undo a lot of the hard work we do. It is a good point but I understand that it is hard to act like your past is totally dead to you. Especially if your a caring women like I am and tend to care very much about the past and people within it. We can do it though. Already, I am dreaming of how fun it will be to find new hot men to have fun with. I did not think about other men at first, but weeks later I have started to think about how fun my future will be. Thinking about my past saddens me, where as thinking about what I have to look forward to with men helps me enjoy life more. Not saying to think about getting into an actual relationship anytime soon, however; it is fun to think about all the cool guys you get to pick from now! Thank you Leigh, I will take something from your post. I know slowly I will think like that too. We are all, all of us and different stages. I want to feel free to vent on here and try to unravel my feelings (which like many of us are complex and are usually nothing to do with our breakups but other issues) rather than getting posts that keep 'attacking' what people genuinely feel. Some of us are sensitive you know! And more importantly, I want to move on, I want to heal, I want to learn. Does that strike you are someone reluctant to do what works? Everyday I am on here, trying to glean information, then sometimes I get stuck and have to contribute. I originally wanted to know why and how people are so keen to mention that we will be able to find someone better is all. People are hurting, please can certain posters be mindful of that?
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