shatteredworld Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I've been doing better this past week, it's been 3 1/2 months since the break up and 2 1/2 months since he got with his new girlfriend. Yet today it's all gone down hill. I still can't understand why he cheated, whether or not I mattered and what this girl has that I don't. I still feel just as worthless as I did 3 months ago. I still can't understand why he told me he didn't want anyone else and I was the only one he loved as he made it seem like he was breaking up with me for me, cause he would "do anything for me, and that's why he couldn't let me take him back." This would've all been so much easier if he just told me everything that was wrong with me and not lie to me about how he wasn't in the right place for a relationship anymore and he actually did want to date someone else. When I found out he was with someone else it just hit that much harder cause it made me question everything he ever said. It's all just eating me up inside. He was my world.
BustedUpInside Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. It really must have been devastating to have all that faith in your ex and then to be betrayed. That being said, I think it is important for you not to base your self worth on the selfish decisions that your ex made. Just because he couldn't be honest with you and tell you that he would no longer wanted to be in a relationship is no reason for you to feel bad. He was wrong to act like it was for your benefit. I can tell from the way you write about him that he has only been acting in a way that would benefit himself. I know it is hard to be happy about anything right now, but the truth is that you are going to look back on this relationship and be so happy and relieved that you got out when you did. Just think if you were tied to this loser forever, when you could have met somebody else and had a wonderful life. Now you can. There is a better man out there for you and when you are ready you will go out and find him and your ex's actions will be laughable and pathetic in memory.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 The fact is though: with all break ups, dumper is saying that: they would rather get over you, and end up with someone else. My ex and I ended up good terms and without a third party involved. It may have seemed better that way; he said he left because of my personal issues, and not because he lacked love for me. The thing is though, all this type of break up does is give me more "time".. I get more time to move on from him, so that by the time he hooks up with other girls and finds the right girl for him, I will not be shattered and devastated. Look, your in the very worst position right now... But please, even if he did not get with another girl so fast, just remember that he STILL did not think you were the girl he wanted to marry and grow old with. That is all that matters. All that matters is cutting contact with him, and moving on. .................................... I am SO sorry that you have to go through this! I would have admitted myself to a mental hospital if my ex did that to me... Because I felt SO loved by him that I would not have BELIEVED that it was even possible for him have another girl. In the end though, you basically had to not only lose him, but deal with im being with someone else straight away. It would have hurt SO much more initially for you than it did for me (I have an ex who could not even think about other girls at first) ULTIMATELY, though: you have a clean break, where you can cut him off and never want him back. Me? Well, I avoided your initial pain, at having to deal with your ex being intimate with another women. However, this caused me to hold onto him for longer.... I mean, he said he still loved me and wanted to be with me one day when I sorted out my personal issues. If my ex had cheated or moved onto another girl straight away? FINISHED. Done. I would have cut him off INSTANTLY and never talked to him again. .............................. Do you feel like that? That since he is with someone else, you can at LEAST cut all possibilities of a second chance with him out? My ex left things very open ended, making cutting him off right away impossible.
Author shatteredworld Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) Trust me, I almost did commit myself.. I was so close. I ended up just getting on antidepressants for awhile. I've cut out the possibilities of getting with him again in the future not because I don't want to, but because of how awful he has made me feel. No one deserves a love that will make you feel like you need to be in a mental hospital. He did leave things so open ended though. He told me that he wish he had met me a few years in the future and that he really "hoped" that we would cross paths down the road. He told me I had his heart and he wouldn't ever need it unless we were together again. He said that he thought he was a lost cause cause he thought he could never love someone again like he loved me. He would do anything for me, and that's why he had to do this. And then a new girl weeks later. It just confused me senseless! As I say all this now though, it makes me believe he was just a douchebag. But at the time I thought he was the nicest guy in the world who just made a mistake. So I believe this to be progress? Edited May 25, 2013 by shatteredworld
Chi townD Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Sounds like this douche rocket was a smooth talker. But, that's all he was and you bought into it hook, line and sinker. Guy's should say stuff like that, but their actions better back it up. But his ACTIONS showed you was he was full of sh*t. And I'm sorry to say this, but he's probably done this before to other girls. You're just one more of his victims. But, the Karma bus is gonna run his ass over one day. One day, he's going to fall head over heels in love with a girl, and she'll turn around and cheat on his ass. Maybe then he'll understand the hurt and damage that he's caused to so many girls. You asked what this other girl has that you don't have. Well, if she knew about you, then I can tell you what she doesn't have and that's morals and standards. But, I have a feeling she didn't even know you existed and she fell for his line of bullsh*t. You need to tell yourself you deserve better. Because, well....you do. take time. Heal from this. You'll get through it, I promise. 1
mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I totally feel for you. I'm going through a similar situation and it's been a month now. He left me for a married woman. I'll never understand it. Worse thing is he still calls me, emails me, texts me, saying "I'll always mean the world to me", "he will always love me" and crying about how he feels he's broken and can't love someone the way he needs to for a family. I love my ex and hold on to his words like a drug. Yet, just like yourself, what he says is inconsistent with his actions. Your ex is still with that woman. He's not with you. He knows how hurt you are, and feeds you these words and nothing else. I'm not going to tell you that you will find someone better. Clearly you will if you don't give up on love and once you are in a place to love someone again. None of us can read your exe's mind either. Some folks on here who are curt and to the point might just say he's a jerk and that's it. Someone else might say he's just selfish. Other people might say he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. Another person might say he's just not mature and ready for a relationship. Someone else might say he's using you to stroke his ego and string you along. Other people might say that he did love you, but not in the way you needed to be loved. That's just a fact. There are all these reasons given by people who have all sorts of crazy histories and with different personalities and feelings about people. What I can tell you, and it's a fact. He did something bad. He knows he did something bad, deep down. Unless he is a total selfish, narcissist jerk, he knows he did wrong by you. That relationship will likely fail because whatever caused him to do this to you, will happen again in this relationship. Shoot he might even try to cheat on her with you sometime in the future. Whatever the reasons are for him doing this, he's not good for you or anyone. He is not a good partner for ANYONE. You can look at his social media networks, talk to his friends, and so on but you don't know what's in his heart and mind. You aren't in that current relationship. Trust me, he's not in a good place right now and it's good you aren't involved with that. Secondly, yes he was your world, and this is the hardest to accept, but you are your own world now. Keep focusing on you. I'm so glad the past week has been better for you. It will take time, and trust me, I'm suffering there with you. This all takes time. Keep pushing along and things will get easier. You are doing a good job so far. Okay next point. There is nothing wrong with you but we all have flaws. You have flaws. He has flaws. The new girl has flaws. Every person you date and every person he dates will have flaws. When my ex left me for the married woman who lives across the country, I was shocked. How could he leave me for her? Her life is so messed up. It made me question myself so much and my own self-worth. I gave him my everything and he threw it away for a life with her that will have so many problems. Then I thought about it. Our relationship had issues. I'm sure yours did too. I'm sure you found things annoying with him, and same with him too about you. That's just life. I don't know anyone who is happily married who does NOT tell me how tough it's been, tease the flaws that the other person has or occasionally publicly express disappointment in the other person. Sure I had issues with my ex and in my mind they were fixable but he left me for a woman he will undoubtedly have a ton of issues with just from the start. It's the same for yours too. You aren't in their relationship but they will have issues. She will not be perfect. She is not better than you. You are different people. Accept that and understand that the man who truly loves will love you, flaws and all. He wont be searching for something better cause he'll have enough common sense to know everyone is flawed and has problems. He'll love you enough to want to work things out with you and accept and be with you for who you are. Last point. In a sick way he did you a favor. Seriously. He cheated on you and hurt you. It's best he's out of your life right now. I know it hurts, but even if you guys got back together, nothing would be the same again. This guy has some problems he needs to work out. You need to find happiness in your own life again. Even in moments where you want him just think rationally. Your family would hate him. Your friends would hate him. After those first couple of weeks of bliss, the hurt and fear would come back. You would need to rebuild trust. You would worry that every girl he talked to was someone else he was chasing. This just wasn't meant to be. If he was right for you, he would do some serious life reevaluations, take time and be single, try to be a better man and pursue a relationship with you gently, knowing that you are hurt and need time. Do you honestly think he could do that for you? This year? Next year? And you can view this as a time that will be painful but lead to something better. I've been through a whole lot of pain and am suffering again right here with you. I just keep holding on to memories where I felt terrible like this (for different reasons) and became stronger. Sorry for the lengthy message. As you might be able to tell, I wrote this message for you as well as myself. I really hope it was helpful and comforting in some way. Stay strong! We will get through this!
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I also want to chime in again: It was NOTHING to do with what you do not have, versus what the new girl DOES have. Seriously. It is about having the right "feelings" for someone. Honestly - even a super model who has an amazing personality and is simply an AMAZING girl - if she had EVERYTHING I guy wanted..... not EVERY GUY who be able to fall deeply in love with her! A prettier girl could come along and NOT get your ex to fall in lovew ith her. In the same vein: a girl who is not as pretty as you and is more boring than you, could sweep your ex off his feet and get him to feel the strongest type of love for her! It is ALL ABOUT the capacity a person has to love another person; it goes WAY DEEPER than simply finding a person who is the hottest and best catch they can find. ................................. Please do not think it is just about finding a better girl. It is about connecting with a person and being somewhat attracted to them, and also liking them enough to want to be around them a lot. The capacity to fall into the deepest type of love can occur between two people, without either person having to be "better" than their exes on paper. He may have found a prettier girl. So what? It sucks but in the end, there will be a guy who falls so in love with who YOU are; he will gladly pass up prettier girls who he feels he could grow to like, because he just loves YOU so much! So you understand what I am saying? Yes looks are a huge plus, yes your ex could have left you for someone who is objectively prettier than you: but true love has a lot more to do with the capacity he has to LOVE the women. It could have been that less pretty, less interesting girl than you that he left you for, but he simply had a greater capacity to love her. 1
mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Good points Leigh_87. However, I doubt your ex has left you because he's fallen in love with someone who is a better match for him. I wouldn't think about it that way. Those are all good points, but it sounds like your ex really isn't relationship material right now. I wont even mention GIGS or anything like that since I have no idea why your ex cheated on you and got with this woman. Trust me, a relationship born out of deception is going nowhere. A normal, reasonable person would know you need time and space before starting something fresh with another person. He may be falling for this woman and think whatever about her, but like I said earlier, he's not in a good place for a relationship. Anyone who can cheat like that shouldn't be in a relationship. He's got some growing up to do. So in my opinion, I don't even think this has anything to do with having a deeper love for her. And even if it does, it takes more than love to have a good relationship. He needs to have honesty and respect, both of which he lacks right now. That's just my opinion though.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 He didn't cheat on me or leave me for someone else lol. I am saying that he didn't, which is why I had false hope and did not just cut him off right away the second he left me. Where as If I was the op and he did leave me to be with someone else, or if he got together right away, I WOULD seriously never want to talk to him again. Lol I meant to say that it was a double edged sword, the fact my ex left me saying that he still loved me the same way and that he could not even think about other women. It meant that I will take longer to have to face him with other women, where as the OP dealt with her ex with someone else relatively soon.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I agree though, that there is something seriously wrong with a man if he seriously can go from loving a women, to cheating. My ex had an addiction to hookers (since before he met me) and talking to girls online for validation. I hacked his password as I had a gut feeling something was off, and I read conversations he had with HUNDREDS of women online. He never planned to meet then or physically cheat, but he bas poor boundaries and he assumed that just because he felt that he was deeply in love with me and wanted only ME; that it meant "harmless talking and online sex, was okay" So yes my ex cheated online. He also had sex with a couple of hookers whilst with me. That is not why he left though. He honestly though that he loved me as much as he COULD Love someone. Sadly for him, I think that he will always be capable of crossing boundaries like that irrespective of HOW much he loves a women. I tolerated it because I felt that " well, he is not doing this cos he does not love me, and he would not change for a girl he truly loved, so who cares right" No other women will tolerate what he did, and sadly, I fear he will just do it behind their backs. IRONICALLY my ex left because he thought I had too many issues that we were ruining our relationship! :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: Oh I am NC with him now. When he left me though it was pretty obvious that he had no desire to just go hook up right away - we both DID love each other dearly. He has no idea how to be in a committed and respectful relationship though. I was his first. And second girl he fell for.
mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) Yes, Leigh. I'm sorry for the confusion there. I'm not the best at knowing how to address folks on a forum. Forgive me. Anyway, you did make great points Leigh and I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through. I've read and commented on your story before. It's so sad what people go through. Back to the OP. I just got back from grabbing some late night dinner. I wanted to extrapolate a bit on cheating. First of all, men are more complex than we women like to think. People cheat for more reasons than sexual attraction and connection. Okay I've never cheated on a guy before but contemplated it once. The reason I contemplated it was because my boyfriend at the time and me were not having interesting conversations. I felt myself needing someone to just talk to. When we broke up I had an instant rebound with a guy I had connected with. The relationship did not last or even lead to love. I just liked him because for once I could talk to someone. I fortunately and unfortunately saw a few messages my ex sent to this married woman. For a bit of background info, my ex is a writer and although he's published books, he doesn't make a lot of money. I make way more money than him and it never bothered me. I was happy to do things for him. He nourished me in other ways. At times he commented on how he felt he owed me so much and felt he could never repay me. When viewing his conversations with the married woman, one phrase stuck out. "It makes me so happy to provide value in your life." This woman is married, immoral, definitely NOT prettier than me by a long shot and if they have a relationship it will be hard. Yes, they probably had some type of connection but it's clear not only from that message but in certain areas of our relationship, that my ex had problems coping with the fact that there were not visible ways to add value in my life. Until he broke up with me, I'm not sure if he could see how much I needed him and how much value he gives me. I still don't think he sees it and when we do talk (stupid me for responding to him) it's clear he's focusing on the negatives and saying how unhappy I was with him even though that's not true at all. So that's just a guess but the best one I have. I just wanted to share this with you because it's not all about looks and personality. He felt something was missing with you and found it with her. This likely had NOTHING to do with you as a person. Sometimes we have needs that realistically a partner could give. He didn't communicate that to you or respect you enough to realize that he should think about your needs, and realize how cheating would impact you. That's really my thoughts and I could be wrong. I don't know enough about your situation to tell you otherwise but whenever I hear about people cheating on people they care about and being in a relationship with that person, it's usually to try to fill some need or emptiness in their life. But when someone says they love you and have shared years with someone, and then cheat, it's usually about filling some void with another person, not about a deeper connection and love. Sometimes it is that, but I doubt this is the case with you. I just wanted to clarify that so you wont feel bad and think you weren't good enough or that this woman had something you didn't. She probably gave him something that you weren't giving at the time. And he was an idiot and chose to not communicate his needs with you. If he had done that, you guys might still be together and happier than ever. But he didn't. He chose an easy way out for himself that caused you pain. Trust me, this girl will leave him wanting something else too. Edited May 25, 2013 by mbee
BustedUpInside Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 So that's just a guess but the best one I have. I just wanted to share this with you because it's not all about looks and personality. He felt something was missing with you and found it with her. This likely had NOTHING to do with you as a person. Sometimes we have needs that realistically a partner could give. He didn't communicate that to you or respect you enough to realize that he should think about your needs, and realize how cheating would impact you. That's really my thoughts and I could be wrong. But when someone says they love you and have shared years with someone, and then cheat, it's usually about filling some void with another person, not about a deeper connection and love. Sometimes it is that, but I doubt this is the case with you. I just wanted to clarify that so you wont feel bad and think you weren't good enough or that this woman had something you didn't. She probably gave him something that you weren't giving at the time. And he was an idiot and chose to not communicate his needs with you. Trust me, this girl will leave him wanting something else too. I think what you have said here is really accurate. The OP's ex decided he was unhappy for whatever reason and failed to communicate this to the OP. Rather than work on the relationship, he just was unfaithful and dishonest. She deserves much better than someone who doesn't know how to be in a mature committed relationship
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Mbee - no worries lol. Regarding cheating and loving someone.. I dunno. I think a guy can have meaningless sex or online sex and still be deeply in love with their partner. If they actually want to be close with a women emotionally though, I find it hard how a guy could be 100% invested with his feelings in one women, when he is reaching out and wanting to share his emotions with another. My ex was a jerk sure, but I still felt I had his heart 100%. I cannot see how any person can make their partner everything to them, and invest their actual emotions in another person. I am 100% all or nothing: I am either madly in love, or I am not at all. I either put me feelings 100% with one man, or I do not bother dating or being together if I feel tempted to open my heart to another man. Lol I guess I just love a lot, and do not have room in my heart to let another person in once I love a partner. How can people love someone and let another person in? I don't understand how it is humanly possible.
mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I don't either Leigh and I don't want to. When I love, it's 100%. I can love my exes as friends but that's about it. I'm so glad I can't understand how people can be emotionally invested in two people. It seems selfish and in many ways not reflective of real genuine love. Attraction and even crushing on someone is one thing, but falling for another person while being in love with someone else just seems unnatural.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I think what you have said here is really accurate. The OP's ex decided he was unhappy for whatever reason and failed to communicate this to the OP. Rather than work on the relationship, he just was unfaithful and dishonest. She deserves much better than someone who doesn't know how to be in a mature committed relationship As soon as someone checks out of the relationship, they should tell their partner right away. Some people would rather keep in the comfort of their relationship, or else they are too scared to leave for one reason or another. I think it is very wrong to be with a partner who you know loves you 100%, when you do not feel the same way about them; to avoid hurting their feelings, or making the difficult decision to leave a person you are not in love with, yet will still miss since you are super attached. The bottom line is: some people are too weak to leave, and they cheat instead. Other people are strong enough to leave before they get with other people.
Author shatteredworld Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Thanks for the replies everyone From what I've heard and what he told me he had a one night stand with some random girl that he didn't know the name of. And after we broke up he was going around sleeping around and then randomly he's with another girl. I mean who knows, maybe all I heard were lies and he really was with this other girl he's dating now and cheated with her. The timeline is just incredible with him. He told me he loved me for the first time less than 5 WEEKS before all this happened, and how he wanted to marry me, etc. The only fight we ever had was when I snooped and found him talking to an ex and he got mad that I didn't trust him, which apparently I had a reason! But now that I think about it, he seemed to get into a "relationship" after the ex he had before me weeks after her too. Although I don't know about the nature of it because I didn't find out about her until I snooped. I am very grateful that I'm not with him any longer, but it would have been nice if he respected me enough to not lie to me and just be honest. Instead he wouldn't even come pick up his stuff after the BU when he said he would and just told me it was fine for me to throw it all out after I confronted him about it. He completely avoided me when I looked for answers which led to months of wondering what happened.
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 This man is not emotionally stable. If he truly loved a women, he would... probably not be able to just move onto others with such ease. Then again though, I could be wrong; some men have no clue how to truly love a women! They wrongly think that sleeping with new people is the answer; an easy way to help get over their ex. I have a feeling that your guy cannot just be truly happy and in love with a girl if THIS is how he is acting. It sounds to me like he is just filling some sort of void in his life, with sex and women's company! We are so much better off than guys like this; we both recognise that it is more healthy to accept you really have strong feelings for ONE person, and that we need to move on from those feelings before we go sleeping around! I really do not know what the deal is with your ex, but I highly doubt he is in the right head space to find true love. I sure as hell would not get together with a guy if he slept around, and left his exes and got together with other girls so easily:sick: I am striving to be an emotionally stable, healthy women; and using people for sex and company is now a good thing to do. Come on though - you must feel sorry for the girls your ex ends up with; you will be waiting for a guy who truly wants you and only you, where as you ex will just play around with meaningless sex or relationships that he uses for company. You are the winner here; you do not hop from one person to the next. I hope you can see that. Good luck with your heeling, just remember that you will be SO much happier now that your waiting for a decent guy. You have the chance to find a guy who is better than the last.
Author shatteredworld Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 This man is not emotionally stable. If he truly loved a women, he would... probably not be able to just move onto others with such ease. Then again though, I could be wrong; some men have no clue how to truly love a women! They wrongly think that sleeping with new people is the answer; an easy way to help get over their ex. I have a feeling that your guy cannot just be truly happy and in love with a girl if THIS is how he is acting. It sounds to me like he is just filling some sort of void in his life, with sex and women's company! We are so much better off than guys like this; we both recognise that it is more healthy to accept you really have strong feelings for ONE person, and that we need to move on from those feelings before we go sleeping around! I really do not know what the deal is with your ex, but I highly doubt he is in the right head space to find true love. I sure as hell would not get together with a guy if he slept around, and left his exes and got together with other girls so easily:sick: I am striving to be an emotionally stable, healthy women; and using people for sex and company is now a good thing to do. Come on though - you must feel sorry for the girls your ex ends up with; you will be waiting for a guy who truly wants you and only you, where as you ex will just play around with meaningless sex or relationships that he uses for company. You are the winner here; you do not hop from one person to the next. I hope you can see that. Good luck with your heeling, just remember that you will be SO much happier now that your waiting for a decent guy. You have the chance to find a guy who is better than the last. Maybe us girls just can't understand it, cause right after the break up.. there was absolutely no way I would've been able to even think twice about another guy. My head was too focused on everything that happened! Besides, it would've felt wrong to sleep with someone else. I remember feeling like I was cheating when I was talking to other guys while I was out for weeks after. Thank you, I have found all the things I have to look forward to now. I just have to be more careful next time around though, cause this has been a nightmare and no one should go through this. I thought he was the nicest guy I've ever met too, so I don't really know how to avoid all of it if I could think that about him.
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