Broke NC, how bad did I screw up?

[mfleck91]

Was 10 days NC and caved, this is what I sent, how bad do you think I messed up?

 

What a mess; this isn’t how I wanted things to turn out. Obviously I wish you never left me, but even with the break up I wish things ended up better than they are. What happened to us? Just a few months ago we were in love, talking about marriage, going to Disney, and seeing your family. Now we are closer to being enemies than anything else, and it breaks my heart. Maybe this is how breakups are supposed to be; maybe we are just supposed to disappear from each other’s lives completely. Maybe I had false expectations for how all of this would happen. I do hate you for what you did, lying to me, but I would be lying if I said a big part of me didn’t love and miss you.

 

I still can’t believe that it actually happened. You claim that you didn’t leave me for someone else, but your actions say otherwise. The time frame that it happened in suggests that you had an interest in him well before you broke up with me. Emotionally you were already cheating on me, just because it wasn’t physical doesn’t mean it wasn’t unfaithful. Then, when we first broke up you wanted to remain friends. You may not realize but this was incredibly selfish. I was obviously still in love with you, how do you expect a friendship to work with that? You think that offering to be friends makes what you did more excusable. “If I stay friends with him then I can’t be that mean, right? And if we stay friends then he can’t be that upset.” You only offered friendship to make yourself feel better; it had nothing to do with my feelings.

 

Not only did you want to remain friends, but you also wanted to remain living together at first. You were planning to keep me as a friend and continue living together all the while you were seeing someone else behind my back. Don’t you realize how wrong that is? Do you know what kind of emotional torture you put me through? As much as you disagree, you never gave me a good reason for any of it. You simply said, “I changed.” I had to watch you leave in the middle of the night and not come back; did you really think I wouldn’t know what was going on? I asked if there was someone else, of course you lied and said it was a TA meeting. I don’t know what hurt worse, the lie itself, or what the lie was about.

 

Mind you, all of this took place before I knew for sure about the other guy, it was only suspicion. This was before any mean messages were sent, so you were just lying to and hurting someone who loved you and cared about you more than anyone on this planet. You hurt the person who deserved it the least. I was the one consistency in your life. You accuse me of badmouthing your father, which I never meant to do, and I wish I could take it back among many other things. I guess I didn’t consider it an issue since you spoke so poorly of him and your family so often. I never wanted to hurt anybody.

 

So I finally saw the exchange of messages with the other guy. I was brought to my knees, I was sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to believe that you, the person I trusted most and had by my side for over 4 years would do this to me. Even to this day it is surreal, to me, friends, and family. No one thought you would ever do anything like this. I composed myself and confronted you, but you didn’t have anything to say. I wish I would have said more, asked more questions, I didn’t think that would be the last time I saw you. Do you remember the last hug I gave you? I came to your door and pretty much said goodbye. It didn’t seem like you cared; you were already involved with someone else.

 

So I left, and I realized I still had a lot of questions, questions that you ignored. I got angry, I sent nasty messages, not to provoke you, but I figured I had nothing to lose because you already weren’t talking to me. Anyone in my position would have sent those messages, yet you act like I behaved outrageously. So yes, I continued sending messages because I continued receiving no answers. No honest apologies, no admission of guilt, you never said that you screwed up.

 

So now you started making me the villain, cried wolf and threatened to involve the police. You really don’t realize that you are the one who screwed up? The fact is that you were selfish, you couldn’t take responsibility for your actions and you were willing to do anything to cover your name. This pattern continued for quite some time, all the while I fear you are still with this other guy. Maybe he actually is a nice guy, I can’t say. All I know is that he was ok with being the “other guy” which is enough for me to dismiss him. Then again I don’t really have the slightest clue what you’re doing; I may just be making things up.

 

4 years, no sex. That should explain enough but I’ll elaborate. How many guys out there are willing to wait like I waited? Probably very few and I would have waited even longer. I wanted sex, you claimed you wanted it but were never in the mood. Anytime I brought it up you got angry, so I couldn’t win. The part that bothered me though, you lied to Greg and told him I was the one who didn’t want it. I loved you, I thought you were beautiful (I still do), you were special to me and I wanted to have that intimate connection so badly.

 

You say that you left me because I wasn’t caring enough. We both know that’s a lie. Anyone who really knew us knew I was beyond good to you. That issue came up all the time and I made the effort to address it. It wasn’t that I didn’t care; you know that I cared; I just started slacking in showing it. I could have been better; I regret not trying to be better sooner, and for that I truly am sorry. I even offered for us to go to couples counseling but you said no. You didn’t want to try.

 

What happened to us was normal, we got comfortable, but I was willing to work to fix it whereas you gave up. As much as you don’t want to, as much as you think I’ve just become a jerk, you know that I was a great guy and that while we were together we got along so well and loved being together for several years. We always talked about marriage and having an awesome family one day, you even brought me to meet your family. Why would you do all this if you were going to leave me? That’s just one of several unanswered questions I have.

 

Yet, here I am, still hoping that we are the exception, hoping that somehow everything will miraculously work out. Maybe one day you’ll think back and remember me for who I truly am, maybe you’ll realize you made a mistake…. You know how stubborn I am, and it isn’t in my nature to give up on the things that I care about. So I will leave you alone……but it doesn’t mean that I want to. I may not trust you, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be regained, and I may not be with you now, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t be one day. Be it months or years I sincerely hope that there is a future for us. As much as I want to wait for that moment I have to move on with life.

 

I imagine the things that we would be doing if we were still together. We might be planning a vacation, spending weekends at Disney, going out to the beach, or just laying together talking. I’m learning to be happy being single; it’s the most difficult thing in the world. A huge part of me is missing; I would do absolutely anything to have that connection with you again. Ryann and Joe are about to leave for Disney right now, it tears me up because all I can think is that should be us. I hate seeing couples together, I used to have what they had, and I want it back, but it’s out of my control. You were more than just my significant other; you were also my best friend and a part of my family. I lost all of that.

 

I miss absolutely everything, even things that I didn’t think I would miss. Along with missing comes a lot of regret. I don’t know why I didn’t sleep with you more often, I don’t know why I didn’t cuddle with you on the couch, I was an idiot. I showed you that I could do better though, those few weeks that we were back together. I would do anything to go back in time a year and make sure that I did everything right. I was a fool, and now I’m facing the consequences.

 

I’ve loved, lost, and now I’m learning. You won’t believe me, but I’ve changed more in the last 3 months than I have in all 4 years of college….I think you would approve of the changes. I hope that you have the opportunity to learn, grow, and better yourself just like I am. I said to never contact me again, that was just me trying to be strong. The last thing I want is to never hear from you again. You know how to contact me, if one day you want to see where I’m at and catch up please don’t hesitate, we can split a yoo-hoo. I won’t chase you or try to talk to you, it doesn’t do any good. Maybe I’ll check in on you one day in the future, I only hope that you respond. No matter what has been said, you know who I really am………a dorky, nice guy who will always be there. I’m sorry that this happened, but most importantly, I forgive you for everything.

 

Foolishly hopeful, ****

[Hockeyguy19]

I've been there, and did the same, almost exactly what you wrote to your ex. And reading that letter tells me that you and I got left the same way, for someone else and she started dating him right after you guys split. Actually our situations are damn near identical, that's scary. If your ex is anything like mine, which it seems she is, she won't really care, or if she does, she won't show it. This just feeds thier ego, she wants you to still feel for her and to tell her that. She's got someone new, plus you on the back burner and she likes the power. Let it go, please. Stay nc as hard as that sounds and as hard as it is, it's your only play now. I broke nc after 10 days a month ago, biggest mistake to her about her camping trips she has planned with the new bf, the fact sh met his mom and he met her parents, it was a gut kick. Her brothers are even telling her she's moving too fast but she doesn't care. I was replaced, sounds like you were too. It sucks, it hurts like hell but you need to heal. Let her go, as hard as it is. I struggle daily with nc and pain but I'm slowly pushing through, you can too man. Keep posting and keep your chin up.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh boy.....

I actually have reached the point of accepting that ill never get closure or answers. What I really do wish I had the chance to do was genuinely say goodbye. You know, hug, shake hands, whatever it is we would do now, an say goodbye.

 

Went a little overboard, didn't we?

 

To be honest with you, it really doesn't matter a fig what we think.

 

The thing is, in spite of all advice to the contrary, you sent it anyway.

 

So really, there's not much I for one can say to you except - I really, really hope she doesn't reply.

But I predict that if she does, she'll throw the majority of it back into your face.

And you're definitely not going to like that, at all.

[BustedUpInside]

I hope I am not causing you more hurt than you are obviously already feeling by saying this, but I think the only one you are going to hurt with this email message is yourself. I am pretty sure that your ex will not respond favorably, if at all, and so there really was no point in actually sending it.

 

That being said, it really doesn't matter what she is thinking. The email is already sent and so you should be focusing on what you're feeling. Is that email a true representation of your feelings or was it more of an attempt to hurt your ex and therefore elicit a conversation where you would attempt to get more answers out of her.

 

Believe me when I say that she will never give you the kind of answers that you want to hear. She will never be able to apologize enough for you to forget what she did to you. You have to stop blaming her though. Your relationship didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that you have to keep letting her impact your life. She doesn't matter anymore. You matter! Your feelings are important, your life is important. You don't need her back to make you feel better. You just need to regain some faith in yourself and then you can decide for yourself what you want your future to look like.

[mfleck91]

Oh boy.....

 

 

Went a little overboard, didn't we?

 

To be honest with you, it really doesn't matter a fig what we think.

 

The thing is, in spite of all advice to the contrary, you sent it anyway.

 

So really, there's not much I for one can say to you except - I really, really hope she doesn't reply.

But I predict that if she does, she'll throw the majority of it back into your face.

And you're definitely not going to like that, at all.

No doubt did I go overboard. I know that she won't reply, it isn't in her nature. I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of it. I guess I wanted things to close on as much of a positive note as possible since everything has been so negative so far. Whether than can be achieved or if it even matters I can't say

[mfleck91]

I hope I am not causing you more hurt than you are obviously already feeling by saying this, but I think the only one you are going to hurt with this email message is yourself. I am pretty sure that your ex will not respond favorably, if at all, and so there really was no point in actually sending it.

 

That being said, it really doesn't matter what she is thinking. The email is already sent and so you should be focusing on what you're feeling. Is that email a true representation of your feelings or was it more of an attempt to hurt your ex and therefore elicit a conversation where you would attempt to get more answers out of her.

 

Believe me when I say that she will never give you the kind of answers that you want to hear. She will never be able to apologize enough for you to forget what she did to you. You have to stop blaming her though. Your relationship didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that you have to keep letting her impact your life. She doesn't matter anymore. You matter! Your feelings are important, your life is important. You don't need her back to make you feel better. You just need to regain some faith in yourself and then you can decide for yourself what you want your future to look like.

I was not trying to hurt her with this, that's actually the exact opposite of what I wanted. As I stated above I just wanted things to end on as positive of a note as possible

[BustedUpInside]

Was 10 days NC and caved, this is what I sent, how bad do you think I messed up?

 

I still can’t believe that it actually happened. You claim that you didn’t leave me for someone else, but your actions say otherwise. The time frame that it happened in suggests that you had an interest in him well before you broke up with me. Emotionally you were already cheating on me, just because it wasn’t physical doesn’t mean it wasn’t unfaithful. Then, when we first broke up you wanted to remain friends. You may not realize but this was incredibly selfish. I was obviously still in love with you, how do you expect a friendship to work with that? You think that offering to be friends makes what you did more excusable. “If I stay friends with him then I can’t be that mean, right? And if we stay friends then he can’t be that upset.” You only offered friendship to make yourself feel better; it had nothing to do with my feelings.

 

Mind you, all of this took place before I knew for sure about the other guy, it was only suspicion. This was before any mean messages were sent, so you were just lying to and hurting someone who loved you and cared about you more than anyone on this planet. You hurt the person who deserved it the least. I was the one consistency in your life. You accuse me of badmouthing your father, which I never meant to do, and I wish I could take it back among many other things. I guess I didn’t consider it an issue since you spoke so poorly of him and your family so often. I never wanted to hurt anybody.

 

So now you started making me the villain, cried wolf and threatened to involve the police. You really don’t realize that you are the one who screwed up? The fact is that you were selfish, you couldn’t take responsibility for your actions and you were willing to do anything to cover your name. This pattern continued for quite some time, all the while I fear you are still with this other guy. Maybe he actually is a nice guy, I can’t say. All I know is that he was ok with being the “other guy” which is enough for me to dismiss him. Then again I don’t really have the slightest clue what you’re doing; I may just be making things up.

 

You say that you left me because I wasn’t caring enough. We both know that’s a lie. Anyone who really knew us knew I was beyond good to you. That issue came up all the time and I made the effort to address it. It wasn’t that I didn’t care; you know that I cared; I just started slacking in showing it. I could have been better; I regret not trying to be better sooner, and for that I truly am sorry. I even offered for us to go to couples counseling but you said no. You didn’t want to try.

 

What happened to us was normal, we got comfortable, but I was willing to work to fix it whereas you gave up.

 

I may not trust you, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be regained, and I may not be with you now, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t be one day. Be it months or years I sincerely hope that there is a future for us. As much as I want to wait for that moment I have to move on with life.

 

No matter what has been said, you know who I really am………a dorky, nice guy who will always be there. I’m sorry that this happened, but most importantly, I forgive you for everything.

 

Foolishly hopeful, ****

 

These sections don't really sound very positive. They mostly sound like you are blaming her for everything, painting yourself as the "good one", and then saying that you will take her back and eventually forgive her and trust her if she works hard enough.

 

I can't imagine getting this email and then believing that the author wanted only a positive resolution to the relationship as the result.

 

I am not saying that you are deluding yourself, but you might want to reevaluate why you would be compelled to send this message and if it was really for both you and your ex or just for yourself. If it was just for you, that's fine, but it probably would be better for your healing if you didn't actually send them in the future. Just use it like a journal entry.

[TaraMaiden]

No doubt did I go overboard. I know that she won't reply, it isn't in her nature. I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of it.

What anyone who breaks 'No Contact' in this way, (and you're not the first and won't be the last)hopes to get out of it:

 

"The Last Word. " To be heard. To get your side out. To poke their conscience. To make them see the error of their ways. To let them know you're down but not out. to wave one final falg of "You dun me wrong".

 

I guess I wanted things to close on as much of a positive note as possible since everything has been so negative so far.

 

What on earth is 'positive' about pointing out to her that -

 

I do hate you for what you did, lying to me,....

I still can’t believe that it actually happened. You claim that you didn’t leave me for someone else, but your actions say otherwise.....Emotionally you were already cheating on me, just because it wasn’t physical doesn’t mean it wasn’t unfaithful. .....this was incredibly selfish.....You only offered friendship to make yourself feel better; it had nothing to do with my feelings....... you lied and said it was a TA meeting. I don’t know what hurt worse, the lie itself, or what the lie was about.

 

.....You hurt the person who deserved it the least. I was the one consistency in your life. .I composed myself and confronted you, but you didn’t have anything to say..... I got angry, I sent nasty messages, not to provoke you, but I figured I had nothing to lose because you already weren’t talking to me.... So yes, I continued sending messages... . No honest apologies, no admission of guilt,. you never said that you screwed up.

 

So now you started making me the villain, cried wolf and threatened to involve the police. You really don’t realize that you are the one who screwed up? The fact is that you were selfish, you couldn’t take responsibility for your actions and you were willing to do anything to cover your name.

 

4 years, no sex. That should explain enough but I’ll elaborate. How many guys out there are willing to wait like I waited? Probably very few and I would have waited even longer. I wanted sex, you claimed you wanted it but were never in the mood. Anytime I brought it up you got angry, so I couldn’t win. The part that bothered me though, you lied to Greg and told him I was the one who didn’t want it.

 

You basically vented your spleen and justified your actions.

She won't respond well to that - if indeed, as you say, she responds at all, which according to you she won't.

 

And that, in a way, will be a different torture...

 

"Did she get the letter?

Did she read it?

How did it affect her?

What is she thinking now?

Might this actually get a response?

What if she never responds?

What if she shows Greg?

What is she thinking about?

Has anything meant something to her?"

 

And so on and so on....

 

It may have been cathartic, getting all that pout, but sending it just created more crap.

 

And you still have her furniture, no doubt, and she has all your stuff 'locked up.....

 

Great.

[mfleck91]

What anyone who breaks 'No Contact' in this way, (and you're not the first and won't be the last)hopes to get out of it:

 

"The Last Word. " To be heard. To get your side out. To poke their conscience. To make them see the error of their ways. To let them know you're down but not out. to wave one final falg of "You dun me wrong".

 

 

 

What on earth is 'positive' about pointing out to her that -

 

 

 

You basically vented your spleen and justified your actions.

She won't respond well to that - if indeed, as you say, she responds at all, which according to you she won't.

 

And that, in a way, will be a different torture...

 

"Did she get the letter?

Did she read it?

How did it affect her?

What is she thinking now?

Might this actually get a response?

What if she never responds?

What if she shows Greg?

What is she thinking about?

Has anything meant something to her?"

 

And so on and so on....

 

It may have been cathartic, getting all that pout, but sending it just created more crap.

 

And you still have her furniture, no doubt, and she has all your stuff 'locked up.....

 

Great.

Ya I guess I did want to justify myself, wanted to attempt to clear my name if that's even possible, probably not. Maybe I did have the typical intention of "I want to make her feel bad", I can't say for sure. All I do know is that I hope she doesn't reply, because if she does I don't know how I'll handle it. It sucks because I thought I was doing so well, then my mind vomited this stuff out

[BustedUpInside]

Ya I guess I did want to justify myself, wanted to attempt to clear my name if that's even possible, probably not. Maybe I did have the typical intention of "I want to make her feel bad", I can't say for sure. All I do know is that I hope she doesn't reply, because if she does I don't know how I'll handle it. It sucks because I thought I was doing so well, then my mind vomited this stuff out

 

Don't beat yourself up too bad. It was a mistake, but not one that you should feel that guilty about. So what if you wrote an email designed to guilt trip her? My advice would be to just forget about it, and if she unexpectedly answers it, you should probably delete without reading. You don't need to read whatever response she has because she definitely doesn't seem like the type of person who would give the positive response that you need to be happy.

 

You just had a minor setback, but don't let it take away from all the good progress you have made. You are doing well, and it can only get better from here if you keep going with No Contact and work on making yourself happy.

[TaraMaiden]

The absolute, totally 100% guaranteed way to ensure, without any shadow of a doubt, that she will NOT respond - would have been to not have sent it.

 

As it stands - she might.

 

If she does, do not reply to her - at all - until you run it by us.

 

But I can guarantee you now, if she DOES reply, we will all be telling you one thing - and one thing only:

 

Let it go.

[mfleck91]

I even knew while I wrote it that I would feel like crap if I sent it, yet I did it anyways. I keep wondering at one point I'll finally say Ive had enough of being miserable and put her behind me. At what point will I say that Im optimistic about my future and believe that Ill find someone else one day. I just cant see myself happy being single

[richard9]

Good post, a bit long but well written, those words up until the texting part could have been my own. Hurts like hell doesnt it, but you need to stay NC my man its the only way to stop the hurt, trust me. And **** meeting her in the future she deserves none of your time. It wouldnt be the same anyway, she would have moved on or want to stay 'friends', and you would be crushed again. Even if you got back together that distrust would be there and she would more than likely do it again. Anyway after all the pain you have been thrpugh and will go through by the end of it all you really wont want to give her any more opportunities to hurt you. Good luck, stay strong!

[MrRightNow]

I actually received a similar letter from my ex after 2 months of NC. I had actually been thinking about getting back with her, but the fact that she blamed me for everything that went wrong and was so bitter and resentful made me realize it was time to move on for good. I feel bad for you though. 4 years with no sex, that's rough.

[big bear]

Been there done that

 

Now brother remember a couple of things:

 

1. No worries if she doesn't reply. You know why because you got it off your chest. You might feel guilty or a 100 different feelings on this after a couple if days. Just remember what the eff she can do about it, NOTHING. She cannot break up with you again.

 

2. If she does reply, run it by people here, they will think more objectively. I doubt she would. You should hope she does not.

 

3. And it's OK but no more mails or anything. It's time to love yourself a bit.

 

Good Luck!!

[mfleck91]

Well if she were going to reply I'm pretty sure she would have done it by now, so I guess there's no reply (thank god)

 

You guys are all awesome, if I ever feel like contacting her again I'll just go back and reread all these posts, that should demotivate me.

 

I couldn't ask for a better support group, I'm glad I found this place.