We Broke Up Too

[umirano]

Hi everyone, just to let you know. I just ended it. Via text. Going No Contact Cold Turkey. I expect a lot of calls texts tomorrow.

 

A short run down on our RS:

 

-Met 2y ago online, 1y of infatuation, but we were both in other RS. Met 8 mo ago for the first time. Then good phases interrupted by rocky times. Mainly because she didn't have a grip on her life. Drugs, strange friends. All visits done and paid for by me. More drugs, lying, etc. Last visit takes place. Some fights but, generally things were OK. After return, more intense fights, making up. This week, she disappears again, and then puts up profile pic with some other dude. I end it.

 

Right now I'm deleting all the electronic communication and cleaning up my social network accounts.

Old times were better I guess, one just had to throw away a box of letters and some photographs...

 

I don't feel much pain, partly probably due to having it anticipated already a few weeks ago. Maybe it'll come later. Who knows. Thanks for reading.

[bluegreen]

Drugs ?

Now you must have be really decent no a saint type of person to know that and tolerate it for the tie you have.

She choose that behavior lied about it and keeps choosing it I refuse to believe its sickness and refuse to allow any compassion for it countless young people die or starve would do anything to get a chance of life and she throws hers to trash ?

 

Am sure hurt will come but don't you come back for her or to her let someone else be dragged down with her if they choose to do so ...

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry to hear this

I probably need to go NC, finding it hard though as we still have feelings for each other, no arguing or cheating, ultimately the distance killed it.

You really are better off out of this situation, you put up with a lot.

 

 

Hi everyone, just to let you know. I just ended it. Via text. Going No Contact Cold Turkey. I expect a lot of calls texts tomorrow.

 

A short run down on our RS:

 

-Met 2y ago online, 1y of infatuation, but we were both in other RS. Met 8 mo ago for the first time. Then good phases interrupted by rocky times. Mainly because she didn't have a grip on her life. Drugs, strange friends. All visits done and paid for by me. More drugs, lying, etc. Last visit takes place. Some fights but, generally things were OK. After return, more intense fights, making up. This week, she disappears again, and then puts up profile pic with some other dude. I end it.

 

Right now I'm deleting all the electronic communication and cleaning up my social network accounts.

Old times were better I guess, one just had to throw away a box of letters and some photographs...

 

I don't feel much pain, partly probably due to having it anticipated already a few weeks ago. Maybe it'll come later. Who knows. Thanks for reading.

[umirano]

Yeah, weed. Makes you passive, apparently. And as she wasn't the most alert person anyway, you have an idea of how dead sometimes this RS seemed...

 

I'd have come around another time I guess after her resurfacing. But putting up that pic just broke the camels back. I mean, how much childish BS does one have to take? She managed to slowly but steadily kill my love for her over the past months. You know, it sucks having to discuss that lying and hiding drug use isn't helping a LDR every damn week.

 

Otoh, I'm glad I already have dealt with some of the pain. Right now my feelings oscillate between astonishment, indifference, anger (just a little) and amusement. I guess the pain that accumulated over time makes up for me not suffering as much as others do, when they break up.

 

Lessons learned? Idk... it's a strange world...

 

 

• ***c LDR, that **** ain't worth it (my personal conclusion, keep doing what you do, I certainly wish the reader well)
  
• Dating 20yo... well, some could still be teeny wired. So look out for high school drama
  
• Dating weed users, ***c that too
  

I guess that's it for now...

[AJinlove]

Man, I've been reading your posts and really I saw it coming too. I am sorry for your lose but as you already know, you are better off out of this relationship.

 

Real relationships are hard, and LDR are even much harder as you need to have a very high degree of trust in your SO; when you are dealing with liars, cheaters, cat fishes, etc... it simply breaks your heart, and you don't want to believe in the beginning; but eventually reality slaps it in your face and if you want to have a meaningful relationship it makes you lose all the love and trust you had in this other person. Breaking up is the only option if you want your mind to stay healthy.

 

Msg me if you need to talk to someone ... I am kind of in your shoes I believe.

[umirano]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the sympathy.

 

AJ, yes, it was hurtful to see how she never ceased to degrade the love and trust. I started to blame her for changing my feelings towards her. I wanted my old feelings back. I felt like I had no other choice though.

 

I tried to break up a few days back, she talked me out of it. If I stood strong then, I wouldn't have had to witness how a childish cry for attention can be so hurtful, and again, reducing my respect for her. Sometimes it looks like she wanted to make it easy for me to leave her, by making it impossible to respect and like her. But then why wouldn't she simply break up with me weeks ago? Or accept it when I wanted to before. I just wasn't man enough to stick to my decision, but I certainly saw it coming.

 

What a life...

 

AJ, what's your status?

 

HoH, I understand your situation. But you're unlikely to heal and ever get over him if you stay in contact.

[HeavenOrHell]

Sounds like you put up with a lot, I'm sorry

 

Yes, I won't be able to heal without NC, I've gone LC, which is a start.

 

 

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the sympathy.

 

AJ, yes, it was hurtful to see how she never ceased to degrade the love and trust. I started to blame her for changing my feelings towards her. I wanted my old feelings back. I felt like I had no other choice though.

 

I tried to break up a few days back, she talked me out of it. If I stood strong then, I wouldn't have had to witness how a childish cry for attention can be so hurtful, and again, reducing my respect for her. Sometimes it looks like she wanted to make it easy for me to leave her, by making it impossible to respect and like her. But then why wouldn't she simply break up with me weeks ago? Or accept it when I wanted to before. I just wasn't man enough to stick to my decision, but I certainly saw it coming.

 

What a life...

 

AJ, what's your status?

 

HoH, I understand your situation. But you're unlikely to heal and ever get over him if you stay in contact.

[umirano]

The first breadcrumbs start to pour in. No wave of calls so far, which is good.

 

First an e-mail, telling me that she cannot be in a committed RS but that she loves me, yada yada yada. Oh yeah, and I should take her friendship, which is all she can give me. No thanks. If I were in contact with her, I'd send her the link to my post in the "let's stay friends" thread .

 

Twenty min later she sends me a very telling "we have to talk". I'm not replying to either, in other words, she's cordially invited to go feck herself.

[bluegreen]

Oh umirano bless you I needed that laugh and I hope you get that am laughing with you not at you.

Allow me to fix your phrase she can go and do something anatomically impossible like ... herself :laugh: I bet she would s... bricks if you told her that.

[justwhoiam]

It looks like everyone's breaking up these days...

Well, you seem doing pretty good with the NC. Thumb up.

[AJinlove]

 

What a life...

 

AJ, what's your status?

 

I've been in a LDR for a few months but not anymore; and this forum (the people, experience, support) has given me so much insight; first to understand I wasn't alone, then to understand that I wasn't crazy, and lastly to help me putting things in perspective. This long distance relationships are such a trip!

[umirano]

It looks like everyone's breaking up these days...

 

Others are freshly getting on this trip. Or closing the distance. It's not all negative

[bluegreen]

Not sure what's worse hearing it from new members or old ones

[HeavenOrHell]

Well we managed three years which isn't too bad I guess, considering there was no end in sight, or rather there was originally and then there wasn't.

 

 

Not sure what's worse hearing it from new members or old ones

[umirano]

I agree, HoH. In that sense I'm a lucky bastard. With us it was just a bit over 8 months. But we were crazy about each other before that for almost a year. I'm sure I'd be a mess, if we had a three year history of a mainly good RS, like in your case.

 

It stings a little. Meeting her family, have them all like me, doing so many cool things together. There are quite a few memories... And the sex was fairly good. What strikes me, is that just a few days ago, she said we're meant for each other, we're soulmates, we'll work out everything, etc. etc.

 

LDRs are out of the question for me from now on. The risk-return profile just isn't acceptable. There's more to life than dreams of a potential future together. I'm starting to value practical and concrete aspects higher.

 

Of course I'd like to let her know how I feel (I hate her guts for what and how she did it) and what I think (that she is the most inconsequential person I've met) but I know that this isn't going to get me anywhere. She won't learn from discussing it. She will only learn through pain. Pain is the only teacher who has meaningful success rate.

 

But if she learned those things and came back, would I take her? I seriously doubt it at this point. Fool me once, shame on me. And then it goes on, right? I don't want to go through the fool me twice part.

 

I'll learn from this experience. It wasn't all bad. She could be sweet and nice. And I really saw myself with her. But with more distance it'll be more and more clear to me. She was far from being anywhere. Doesn't know what career to pursue, had her head full of crazy impractical ideas. I totally overestimated her maturity. In that regard she was like a split personality. She took care of younger siblings, talked in a very mature manner about family issues, had smart and level headed ideas on how to address family and household problems. Then again she talked of us having a family and closing the distance (which meant one of us moving intercontinentally) when both of us were far from being able to do such a step. And in the daily business of keeping the RS she was just terrible many times. How did she expect me to talk about moving in with someone on another continent, leaving my family and home culture behind, for someone who can't even let me know that she's alive? When I pointed out those contradictions, she'd get really mad or upset...

 

All in all I guess I dodged a bullet. I shouldn't be too sad about the outcome. I'm glad, I have all the time in the world now to prepare for my upcoming exams, focus on my studies, work out and pursue other hobbies. The world is a fine place, I'd have shared it with her, but it didn't happen. Life goes on.

Edited May 26, 2013 by umirano
clarity

[umirano]

Two more breadcrumbs today. In the first she asked me to reply to her e-mail from yesterday, which I already deleted. Then a second, longer one, where she tells me she loves me very much and that she hurts a lot because I don't talk to her. She wants to be friends. And she wants to know how I am doing. I'm not going to reply, and after posting this, I'll delete them.

 

Right now curiosity is in the way of being able to delete her e-mail unread. I wish I had the strength to do that. It makes me feel a little better reading that she hurts.

 

The only way I'll talk to her is if she comes crawling on her knees, apologizes for all the mind fncking, for all the heartache and mistrust she caused.

 

I am worried that at one point she will start to call me. I deleted all the numbers she has and those of her friends and family.

 

I couldn't do anything today. I'm not feeling much pain. Just a lot of regret. And a feeling of sadness.

[pettie]

So sorry you are going through this, but as you say, looks like you dodged a bullet.

 

All the best.

[umirano]

Thanks pettie. After not replying to and deleting her e-mail of today, she texted me. I deleted the text without reply. An hour later she calls. Now I blocked her number.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this: She put up a pic with another guy hugging her. At this point she hadn't broken up with me in words. I saw it and told her "We're done". Now she wants to talk to me and says she loves and misses me.

 

Is she

 

 

1. stupid?
   
2. or just heartless?
   

[bluegreen]

Thanks pettie. After not replying to and deleting her e-mail of today, she texted me. I deleted the text without reply. An hour later she calls. Now I blocked her number.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this: She put up a pic with another guy hugging her. At this point she hadn't broken up with me in words. I saw it and told her "We're done". Now she wants to talk to me and says she loves and misses me.

 

Is she

 

 

1. stupid?
   
2. or just heartless?
   

 

 

 

Very possibly both

[NeverADullMoment]

Can anyone shed some light on this: She put up a pic with another guy hugging her. At this point she hadn't broken up with me in words. I saw it and told her "We're done". Now she wants to talk to me and says she loves and misses me.

 

Is she

 

 

1. stupid?
   
2. or just heartless?
   

 

Is there a chance you are overreacting to the picture? Maybe it's a cousin or something??

 

However, having said that...she's 20 and using drugs and acting wild. Is this what you want in a woman? And especially in a LDR where you need to have trust between each other?

 

I don't think she's heartless, necessarily. She sounds like an immature party girl and she's made it clear she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.

 

I'm sure in some way getting these texts and emails gives you a bit of satisfaction knowing she cares at least somewhat. It's hard to think someone you cared about so much would just cut you off...but you are doing the right thing by not responding because you both have different ideas of what your relationship should be like and you are just going to keep feeling hurt by having contact with this girl. You can either send her a text and ask her to respect your feelings and NEVER contact you again (but only if you think you can resist getting sucked back in to the vortex...) or just keep deleting her messages...she will probably stop in a few days when she realizes you aren't going to respond. I bet she will send you a message from time to time over the next few months, but just stay strong and move on with your life. You'll find someone that has more in common with you and wants more in their life than partying.

[umirano]

Is there a chance you are overreacting to the picture? Maybe it's a cousin or something??

Definitely not a cousin.

 

 

However, having said that...she's 20 and using drugs and acting wild. Is this what you want in a woman? And especially in a LDR where you need to have trust between each other?

That pretty much sums up why I wanted to end it before, and why I'm cool with how things are now.

 

I'm sure in some way getting these texts and emails gives you a bit of satisfaction knowing she cares at least somewhat.

Yeah, it's payback time for a dozen or so sleepless nights that her erratic behavior gave me over the past 8 months.

 

It's hard to think someone you cared about so much would just cut you off...but you are doing the right thing by not responding because you both have different ideas of what your relationship should be like and you are just going to keep feeling hurt by having contact with this girl.

Well, she wrote in one of the e-mails that she can't give me what I deserve "right now". I guess that means she sees a possibility of us getting back together at one point. So maybe she isn't stupid, as she is at least able to understand that she was not acting like a serious girlfriend. That would leave her being heartless. Hardly a better personally trait. And I can't really agree to getting back together later for

 

 

• the distance
  
• her history of treating me
  
• her lying
  
• her drug use (I'm doubtful that she'll stop getting high anytime soon)
  
• the way she handled the break up
  

 

 

You can either send her a text and ask her to respect your feelings and NEVER contact you again (but only if you think you can resist getting sucked back in to the vortex...) or just keep deleting her messages...she will probably stop in a few days when she realizes you aren't going to respond. I bet she will send you a message from time to time over the next few months, but just stay strong and move on with your life. You'll find someone that has more in common with you and wants more in their life than partying.

Yeah, that sounds reasonable. I appreciate your post.