Author broken11269 Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 I'm glad to see all of you have it all together...gives me hope that some day I'll be a "good" person. Lol
findingnemo Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 The worse part about the whole situation is that he doesn't see a problem with the relationship. To him everything is great, while I'm slowly dying inside Just don't understand the comment of a cheating woman is bad bad bad...I know in most people's eyes every A is bad, but I didn't go out searching for a relationship outside of my marriage. I honestly believe God brings people into our lives when we need them the most. If this were just a brief fling, a few times here & there, I would look at myself as a bad person. But when you have a connection with someone that's out of your control, with true feelings...how can that be bad. I will love the xOM for the rest of my life and I will also love my H as well. At this stage in my life, I would rather not break up a marriage & my family for my wants & needs. The cheating woman comment is in reference to my culture. There's a double standard where I'm from. A cheating H can get away with it and they usually do. When a woman cheats, you can think she has committed murder. The pressure to divorce her is huge. I would never advise a woman here to tell her H. Adultery by women is akin to committing marital suicide. When you say the above in bold, do you really believe it applies in your situation? Does OM mean so much to you that you think God brought him into your life? While you say you love them both, to me it is obvious you have to make a choice. Neither one will accept that you have a connection with both of them. Staying M while you're in love with OM will only make you miserable. What do you fear you will lose if you get a D? 1
findingnemo Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I'm glad to see all of you have it all together...gives me hope that some day I'll be a "good" person. Lol I'm glad that you're taking it with a sense of humor, broken. Look, people here are not perfect. They are not asking you to be perfect so don't take it that way. You came for advice and you will get tough love but support nonetheless. There are plenty of people in better and in worse situations than you here. At the end of the day it is up to you to take it or leave it. If you find a post offensive, just ignore it. IME, you will get a lot of great advice. Don't worry about how wacky your thoughts are. Just post them and people will openly tell you what they think. And yes, you will be good when you make the right choices for yourself and your family. 2
Author broken11269 Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) Thanks for your opinion Alexandria...you are obviously a pro at affairs so i appreciate your response Edited May 25, 2013 by broken11269
Author broken11269 Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 I'm not blaming Him for anything....seriously...you have taken it completely out of the wrong context. All I meant that is God brings people to us...we don't accidentally cross paths with people who leave an impact in our lives. By know means do I condone what I did or look to place blame....I take full resonsibility. So honestly...if you have a problem with my opinion & words then DON'T READ. God may not condone but God surely forgives. You are obviously on this blog for a reason & I honestly dont care how or why you got here. Im not here to place judgement on anyone or analyze every post or thought process. Everyone is entitled to an opinion & I respect yours. So sorry you have an issue with my statement. Agree to disagree, but thanks. 1
Praying4Peace Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Hi Broken- perhaps God brought him into your life to test you and see what you would do in such a situation? Would you walk away and do the right thing in terms of honoring your commitment to your H? You know what I mean? Perhaps this situation leaves you so helpless and broken that you can only turn to Him? I think its hard to talk about God because everyone's view is different.
Author broken11269 Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 I appreciate your response...thanks
subversive Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) I'm not perfect. I'm not even married. Yes, people are different, and not everything is black and white. I just get one impression from your posts, though. You are looking out for number 1 - yourself. After everything you have been through? Seriously? God does forgive, and God does love. You're absolutely right. I believe that you are hurting. I also believe that you are very selfish. Here's the thing: I know what happens when someone is involved in a serious relationship outside their marriage. They neglect their children and husband and friendships and everything outside the person they have become wrapped up in. He may not suspect what is going on, but I am sure he has noticed a change in you. A lack of attention, head off in the clouds, lack of housework, a strange distance, too much time spent outside the home. You've been going through the motions and most likely starving all of your other relationships - not just your marriage. You have been putting your family through this for 3 years now, and believe me when I tell you that they have noticed. Let the OM go. Let him find someone who is available for a real relationship. You don't have to tell your husband, but you need to invest back into your marriage. You need to make a private commitment that you will not go down this path again. If you can't, then you should leave him and allow him to move on. As for comfort, find a relative that you can trust. Someone who knows you and who loves you will look at this differently than strangers. My sister has recently ended a long term affair. I love her unconditionally, and I want what is best for her. I reserve my judgments when she confides in me, and I don't betray her confidence. I know her heart is broken since her A ended, and I know that she needs the same things she would if she were single and experienced a breakup. Looking at it from the outside, however, I see this person who has changed so much. If I were not her sister, I would not want anything to do with her. It's not because she cheated; it's because of the very warped way she thinks now. She has become cruel in her negligence. A passive cruelty, but cruelty nonetheless. A very rational, loving, giving person has turned into a narcissist who lives in a fantasy world. It's scary. Actually, that's why your thread struck a nerve in me. It could have been written by her. You are two different people, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that you have handled your life outside of this affair in the same manner she has. There really is no way to truly separate the rest of your life from a long-term, serious relationship. She told her husband, and he chose to stay. Actually, he's been bending over backwards to comfort her since she is a total mess right now. I am so glad that he chose that, but only because I selfishly want her to have her "Plan B" and her children to have stability. I doubt very much that her husband's choice was in his best interest, though I think it was a very honorable one. I'm sure you need a hug and an understanding shoulder to cry on and that you are a jumble of emotions. I just wish that you ( and her ) would own your actions and recognize how much they truly do affect others (including the OM). There's a difference between forgiveness and a total lack of consequences. Nothing in your thread suggests that you feel any type of remorse or responsibility. The fact that your A is only ending because the OM wants it over makes me less than hopeful about your commitment to the spouse you claim you want to protect and be better to. It's a glaring contradiction. Edited May 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Author broken11269 Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Thanks for sharing your story, I understand what you're saying but you have painted a picture of your sister, not me. I put EVERYTHING I have into my children. I am a working mom who works 8 1/2 hrs through the day & then to a 2nd job in the evenings 3 days a week so that my children can be afforded the best opportunities. All of my children are involved in activities & I spend an hr everyday taking them to school/sitter before I even start my day & most eevenings we don't even hit the door til it's dark. So please don't think I neglect my children...they are my main priority & no OM would ever keep me from being a mother to them. I am hurt...yes...but this is fresh & I will get over this. I am far from a wreck & I can handle my emotions well. I have to. Can't go back & change events but I'm pretty sure in my orevious post I said "By no means do I condone what I did or look to place blame...I take full responsibility". Don't see that as being selfish.
Author broken11269 Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 (edited) Also...I've never spent time outside of the home. Like I said....I only saw the OM once a week, an hr at the most. It was the conversations, phone calls, texts & emails where we made a bigger connection. Don't get me wrong, the physical part played a big role, especially when there was hardly intimacy at home...but that wasn't my choice. I tried everything possible to get my husband's attention and when he finally came around after yrs of neglect...I was already emotionally gone. Edited May 26, 2013 by broken11269 mispelled word
subversive Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 It was the conversations, phone calls, texts & emails where we made a bigger connection. I'm not saying it was all about sex or that your husband was perfect. This, above, was very much a part of my sister's affair. I don't mean neglect in the form of abuse or basic needs. For example, she might watch a movie with her daughter. Unfortunately, she would spend that time checked out - usually texting him. Can you really honestly say that in 3 years, you have juggled a marriage, children, a full-time job, and a serious relationship on the side with NONE of those areas suffering? There aren't enough hours in the day or years in a life.
Author broken11269 Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 Yes...I can honestly say that I have.
subversive Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Yes...I can honestly say that I have. You are in deep, deep denial. I wish you luck climbing out of it. Perhaps my post gave me a chance to get out my frustration at my sister. Yes, you are different people; however, I definitely see the same patterns of thinking. I don't have anything else to say or add. I know it's a difficult situation, and I hope you are able to work through all of it. 1
William Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Discussions of member posting behaviors and what opinion/viewpoint is or is not 'welcomed' here on LoveShack are off-topic and considered inflammatory. This thread has been edited. Members are reminded to focus on the topic, which is, per the thread starter's request, 'Thoroughly confused!' Work that apparent confusion in a civil and respectful manner. Thanks. 1
movingon45 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Wow...that's eerie. Thanks again for sharing...it's comforting to know that someone "gets it". Did you stop the A or him...would you consider the A again if it presented itself? I'm sorry, I haven't logged on for a while. Is this Q for me? I stopped the A and I'd consider it again but I'll try to compartmentalize.
Author broken11269 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Yes...the question was for you The confusing part is that we're still in contact which makes it harder....what do you make out of this last text from OM?..."You never know what the future holds, but for now this has got to go on hiatus"....just don't know how this "friends" relationship is going to work. I'm actually going to be seeing him this week to get something from him....not sure how that will go...but any advice on how to face the meeting would be appreciated.
BrokenPrincess Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Yes...the question was for you The confusing part is that we're still in contact which makes it harder....what do you make out of this last text from OM?..."You never know what the future holds, but for now this has got to go on hiatus"....just don't know how this "friends" relationship is going to work. I'm actually going to be seeing him this week to get something from him....not sure how that will go...but any advice on how to face the meeting would be appreciated. Jumping in because that text reminded me...when xMM broke NC after 4 months to allegedly just confess how much he cared about me. One thing he said during that conversation "I mean, I can't say what my situation will be in 5 years...maybe it will be different, who knows..." (Inferring he may be D by then). It really stood out to me because at that point we'd NEVER talked about leaving our spouses or being together exclusively. As soon as he said that, I immediately thought, this sounds like what you would say to let someone down easy without any real promise of the future OR taking a stand to end it. Just my .02... 1
Praying4Peace Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Jumping in because that text reminded me...when xMM broke NC after 4 months to allegedly just confess how much he cared about me. One thing he said during that conversation "I mean, I can't say what my situation will be in 5 years...maybe it will be different, who knows..." (Inferring he may be D by then). It really stood out to me because at that point we'd NEVER talked about leaving our spouses or being together exclusively. As soon as he said that, I immediately thought, this sounds like what you would say to let someone down easy without any real promise of the future OR taking a stand to end it. Just my .02... Yeah but BP, your exAP was married. Her's is single. So the balls in her court unless he's not interested in a serious relationship or doesn't want her to have those types of expectations. 1
Author broken11269 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Yes I do...that's exactly why I've decided to take the steps to let him go. This past week has opened my eyes to what I want & what's been missing in my life for quite some time. Whether I end up with the OM or not...just can't live a life of regrets or what-ifs.
BrokenPrincess Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Ah I see sorry I forgot that from the OP. Still that text is the same kind of thing, cushioning the message of the real action he wants to take (ending it). I have no advice on ending it, my A needed to end, and I wasn't strong enough to do it. Even with a wonderful H at home, it's hard to say goodbye to someone else that you care about so much too. And while you want to work on your M and keep your family together, expect to grieve the loss of OM. It's taken me about 6 months to even start to feel connected to my H again and I still have thoughts of my xMM, some more intense than others. Sure wish my heart could catch up with my head a little faster!! Wishing you luck and strength this week...keep us posted
movingon45 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Yes...the question was for you The confusing part is that we're still in contact which makes it harder....what do you make out of this last text from OM?..."You never know what the future holds, but for now this has got to go on hiatus"....just don't know how this "friends" relationship is going to work. I'm actually going to be seeing him this week to get something from him....not sure how that will go...but any advice on how to face the meeting would be appreciated. I don't think that you can be friends. For me, his last text meant that he is ending it and he's just trying not to be too harsh. Can't he just send those things over? No contact is the key, but I wish I can take this advice though If you do decide to face him, try to be very brief and casual about it. Try not to discuss things because no amount of talk will ever be enough for you. Closure will have to come from you not from him. Best wishes. I know it's hard especially because you still see him int he same circle.
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