Thoroughly confused!

[broken11269]

To summarize, I have been married with children for 14 yrs. I began an affair with a divorced man 3 1/2 yrs ago. I had felt neglected sexually in my marriage & my AP came along at that time. We actually had known one another since we are from a small area. Through the years, I have grown to love this man very deeply & it has been mutual.

 

Although we only saw eachother 1 day through the week for about an hour, we texted, chatted, emailed everyday. He became my best friend. I shared everything with him from my happiest moments to my crappy days. He was the reason I could get through my day. Through these years we would try to walk away from eachother but always managed to find our way back. Just recently, with no warning, he tells me it's time to move on, that he didn't abide by his own rules. He said that he loves me and that he always will but he's ready for a relationship with someone & knows it can't be with me because he doesn't want to be the one to break up my family. He feels that he can't move forward if he continues to have this bond with me.

 

I have gone though every emotion running the gamut from completely empty to downright pissed. Our last meeting was in a public place through a car window. Couldnt even look at him through the tears. The hardest part is knowing he's leaving in search of everything I wanted to give him. I'm a total wreck rigjt now & to make matters worse, we've still been texting as "friends", but then I get angry & text something that's spiteful out of anger. Also, it's not like I can find true closure because we see eachother in the same circles since our children are in school together. My heart is completely with him & I know it's not fair to my husband. I am married to a wonderful man who takes exceptional care of his family/children.

 

We are close in the way that we are good friends raising children together, but on a level of attraction, I can't say that I've been attracted to him for a long time now & intimate moments are few & far between. We met yyoung & married young, had children right away & he was the only person I was ever with until my AP. Just at a total loss & looking for some advice/insight. Try not to be too harsh

Edited May 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited title and added paragraphs

[weedsandposies]

Sorry you're hurting. You should be fair to the OM and let him go. No contact. It's done. You will have to learn to avoid him.

 

Turn your attention to your marriage, family, children, friends, work, hobbies, ANYTHING else. When I ended my A, I threw out EVERYTHING that reminded me of xOM... even re-designing my home... and changed my personal contacts. It took a lot of effort but in the end I know I made the right decision.

 

It's a huge void you need to fill. Give yourself a few days to grieve, post here. Then move on with your life. Baby steps.

[Praying4Peace]

Title was supposed to read thoroughly confused! :/:Forgive me for not knowing all the abbreviations so bear with me. To summarize, I have been married with children for 14 yrs. I began an affair with a divorced man 3 1/2 yrs ago. I had felt neglected sexually in my marriage & my AP came along at that time. We actually had known one another since we are from a small area. Through the years, I have grown to love this man very deeply & it has been mutual. Although we only saw eachother 1 day through the week for about an hour, we texted, chatted, emailed everyday. He became my best friend. I shared everything with him from my happiest moments to my crappy days. He was the reason I could get through my day. Through these years we would try to walk away from eachother but always managed to find our way back. Just recently, with no warning, he tells me it's time to move on, that he didn't abide by his own rules. He said that he loves me and that he always will but he's ready for a relationship with someone & knows it can't be with me because he doesn't want to be the one to break up my family. He feels that he can't move forward if he continues to have this bond with me. I have gone though every emotion running the gamut from completely empty to downright pissed. Our last meeting was in a public place through a car window. Couldnt even look at him through the tears. The hardest part is knowing he's leaving in search of everything I wanted to give him. I'm a total wreck rigjt now & to make matters worse, we've still been texting as "friends", but then I get angry & text something that's spiteful out of anger. Also, it's not like I can find true closure because we see eachother in the same circles since our children are in school together. My heart is completely with him & I know it's not fair to my husband. I am married to a wonderful man who takes exceptional care of his family/children. We our close in the way that we are good friends raising children together, but on a level of attraction, I can't say that I've been attracted to him for a long time now & intimate moments are few & far between. We met yyoung & married young, had children right away & he was the only person I was ever with until my AP. Just at a total loss & looking for some advice/insight. Try not to be too harsh

 

There are wonderful people on here that are more eloquent than I am. But I have a suggestion for you. You know how he's your best friend? If he came to you (as a best friend) and asked you what to do about his situation...i.e. He is in love with a married woman with kids and she remains married and committed to her husband and its been going on for 3.5 years...what would you tell this friend to do? I'm not being sarcastic or mean. Shouldn't he go find someone he would eventually want to marry and see more than once a week? Someone he doesn't feel sick about when he thinks of her MARRIED to another man?

 

Here's your choice- you be that single person for him or you let him go. You sound very selfish.

 

When he says he doesn't want to break up your family, that's not him Forbidding you from getting a Divorce. That's code for: You do it yourself, without me nagging you, and because you can't be happy with your H after being with me.

 

You have some tough decisions to make.

[broken11269]

Thanks for the encouraging words & sharing your story. With everything being so fresh it's hard to see past this hurt right now. I know that's what I have to do...just have to find the strength to do it. Just feel so broken right now.

[broken11269]

You're absolutely right...definitely a hard decision. As far as seeing eachother once a week was because we were trying to distance ourselves but in the end it became more of an emotional connection than a physical one. The only reason I feel selfish is that I know we would be together if circumstances were different, & it's very difficult to watch him leave to find someone else...in that respect, im being far from selfish because I'm letting him go to search for what he feels he needs even if that doesn't include me.

[Praying4Peace]

If there is no question in your mind that you prefer your H, then yes you are not selfish in letting him go. However, how would your H feel about the marriage if he knew about the affair?

[broken11269]

 

I live with guilt every day. At this point, do I tell him though & completely risk the marriage altogether or keep this secret & try to pick up the pieces to salvage my marriage? I can't find it in me to come clean, just can't cause him that kind of pain. I understand what I have done is immoral but everyone's situation is different & sometimes you just have to keep secrets in order to keep the peace & keep a family in tact. I know it sounds hypocrytical since I was the one who potentially tore my family apart, but at this point having to live what I've done is punishment enough & I know one day I'll have to answer to someone higher.

 

Had to post this song...just hits home.

[weedsandposies]

Don't tell your husband. Some in here will tell you to come clean but I vote against it.

[broken11269]

Thanks but no thanks LadyGrey...no plans of showing anything. That would be a bigger train wreck. I have kids that are involved. And as far as the sex...like I said, it was only once a week, so I don't see that as grounds for using. This is an example of making an assumption based on the norm...that may have been your experience, but after 3 1/2 yrs of learning everything there is to know about a person...their likes, dislikes, hopes, fears...i find it very hard to believe i was being used. Maybe in the very beginning there was a feeling of using on both ends, but definitely not after the duration. One thing I can say is that any A you may have been involved in or someone else you know that has been involved in or on the other end of an A all have different circumstances, different motives and different outcomes. No one A fits a cookie cutter mold & to each their own how it is handled. But I do appreciate your view. Thanks for sharing.

[Curlyj]

My situation is so much like yours. I could have written that myself.

My xOM and i have been in NC for 2 weeks. Its been hell. And i work with him!

 

I did come clean to my husband. It was easilythe hardest thing I ever had to do. He is such a great guy, and it was really hard to hurt him that way. But in the end he deserved to know the truth. We are currently trying to work on it, but i really have no idea if it will work. All i know is i am glad i told him, and now we can either fix it together or we can end it.

 

Its been a crazy emotionally draining few weeks!! I feel your pain, i truly do. It does get easier....

Good luck!

[broken11269]

Thanks for sharing. I honestly have no idea how you came clean. You are braver than me. There are moments I've wanted to just blurt it out to get the weight of this burden off my shoulders and to move on with my life. After being with the xOM...I finally have experienced what a true connection feels like. In one way, I don't want to be selfish & cater to my own needs, but then again I can't imagine a lifetime of just being "ok" with my marriage for my kids sake. Don't get me wrong, my husband & I get a long fine...not much arguing, but there is absolutely no spark. However, I would do anything for him...does that even make sense? Do you mind me asking how long your affair lasted?

[Curlyj]

It makes perfect sense...to me anyways. It's the same with my H and I...we get along, we rarely fight, he is a great father and he does a lot around the house. But the spark was gone.

My affair lasted 3 years. He was my best friend!

[movingon45]

Thanks for sharing. I honestly have no idea how you came clean. You are braver than me. There are moments I've wanted to just blurt it out to get the weight of this burden off my shoulders and to move on with my life. After being with the xOM...I finally have experienced what a true connection feels like. In one way, I don't want to be selfish & cater to my own needs, but then again I can't imagine a lifetime of just being "ok" with my marriage for my kids sake. Don't get me wrong, my husband & I get a long fine...not much arguing, but there is absolutely no spark. However, I would do anything for him...does that even make sense? Do you mind me asking how long your affair lasted?

 

No, DON'T TELL. I bought this book Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell - TIME

 

"It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. And when you confess to having an affair, you are hurting someone more than you can ever imagine.

 

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1820942,00.html#ixzz2UGa9K6vX"

[broken11269]

Wow...that's eerie. Thanks again for sharing...it's comforting to know that someone "gets it". Did you stop the A or him...would you consider the A again if it presented itself?

[movingon45]

No, Don't tell. I bought the book, When Good People Have Affairs, and I quoted some from the website, but the moderators will still review it in 48 hours.

[broken11269]

The only thing i worry about is that by our keeping contact, we'll both fall back to old ways. We have been on & off many times...but this time it seems more permanent. I just don't know how to be just friends with someone I'm in love with. Just can't shut those feelings off no matter how much time or space you try to put between you. Probably the very reason we always seem to find our way back to eachother. We seriously fight like brother & sister but we always have eachothers back.

[broken11269]

Honestly never thought about it because everything was getting better with us recently...seemed as we were closer than ever. So when this all came about, I was hurt that I didn't have a say in the decision & that it was so abrupt. I knew he wouldn't wait forever, but lalso thought we could've talked openly about it instead of yanking the rug right from under me with no warning...everything just seems "unfinished".

[Praying4Peace]

Honestly never thought about it because everything was getting better with us recently...seemed as we were closer than ever. So when this all came about, I was hurt that I didn't have a say in the decision & that it was so abrupt. I knew he wouldn't wait forever, but lalso thought we could've talked openly about it instead of yanking the rug right from under me with no warning...everything just seems "unfinished".

 

To be honest, when things are going really, really well with a person and their AP, that's when the scary feelings also surface- especially on the part of the single AP. So its the closeness he felt with you that probably spurred him on to leave...

 

To share a story- my ex and I had a impromptu, beautiful evening walking in the moonlight somewhere special he wanted to show me. We walked and talked and held hands and I wish that time would never ever end. It was exactly the type of time that can't be planned and was so 'us'. The next day I was upset and he was happy and googly eyed. I told him that 'last night proved we should end this' and he looked at me like I was crazy because in his words 'that was the most unforgettable time'. For me- it just showed the upper limits of our relationship. That's as good as it gets. Like a plant needing a new pot that it'll never have.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I know how confusing it is...I was married during my A as well.

[Saba]

So basically what you are saying is that your husband doesnt deserve the kind of love you have with your AP. You think you cant be happy with the relationship as it is with your husband and that worries you but what you are offering your husband is subpar. You have already hurt him, telling him just puts him in the loop.

Get a divorce and if he is the good guy you say he is he can start again with someone else.

[findingnemo]

Thanks for sharing. I honestly have no idea how you came clean. You are braver than me. There are moments I've wanted to just blurt it out to get the weight of this burden off my shoulders and to move on with my life. After being with the xOM...I finally have experienced what a true connection feels like. In one way, I don't want to be selfish & cater to my own needs, but then again I can't imagine a lifetime of just being "ok" with my marriage for my kids sake. Don't get me wrong, my husband & I get a long fine...not much arguing, but there is absolutely no spark. However, I would do anything for him...does that even make sense? Do you mind me asking how long your affair lasted?

 

Normally I vote not to tell. It's a culture thing. A cheating woman here is bad, bad, bad. Better to just ask for a D.

 

In your case, you probably have to judge what the outcome of telling would be. But before that you need to decide if your M can improve with work. I don't see how deciding to stay in an unhappy M and not have the same problem down the road is sustainable. Everybody deserves a chance at happiness even those who have made mistakes. Do you think you and your H can work things out? If so, tell him. If not, then get a D.

[broken11269]

The worse part about the whole situation is that he doesn't see a problem with the relationship. To him everything is great, while I'm slowly dying inside

Just don't understand the comment of a cheating woman is bad bad bad...I know in most people's eyes every A is bad, but I didn't go out searching for a relationship outside of my marriage. I honestly believe God brings people into our lives when we need them the most. If this were just a brief fling, a few times here & there, I would look at myself as a bad person. But when you have a connection with someone that's out of your control, with true feelings...how can that be bad. I will love the xOM for the rest of my life and I will also love my H as well. At this stage in my life, I would rather not break up a marriage & my family for my wants & needs.

[broken11269]

To Paperangel. I can't really say that I was dead set on a D. The thought was always there in the back of my mind, but one I would never consider acting on because xOM had issues of his own. He has children an ex that is still a roommate. Plus, he is considered somewhat of a playboy. He was just in it for fun with a lot of different women, but as our relationship grew, those behaviors all stopped. He would always say, why couldn't we have met 15 yrs ago. He also said time & time again that he would not be the reason to break up a family. He lived through that with his ex having an A on him then leaving & marrying the AP. She's since divorced from the AP. So he has a lot of issues on his plate & his focus is on his children, so there was always hesitation on my end.

[broken11269]

Wow...you really read into that one the wrong way. There have never been other "men" in my life...just one person who I connected with on all levels. I don't plan or want another OM...that was a once in a lifetime connection that will never come around again in my lifetime. I said earlier in a post that he came into my life at one of my lowest points & YES...I do believe there is intervention involved. So chill out!

[broken11269]

No...everthing I'm doing is to PREserve my marriage & protect my children.

[broken11269]

Blondie....it's easy for an outsider to look at a scenario & ask why. Doesn't change my situation or make it better...why live a life of why's & why not try to pick up the pieces & move forward? No one's perfect.

Edited May 25, 2013 by broken11269