Joe F Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Best Friend "B" and I disagree on politics a lot. Normally this is not a serious problem; I myself hardly care, and it often makes for interesting conversation. But recently... about a week and a half after the Boston Marathon bombing, I saw this local Boston area TV news report about the police going door to door pulling people out of their homes searching for the bombers without warrant or suspicion that they were there (and it even turns out that the bomber was in a completely different part of town anyway). I prefer that we not live in a country where police have the power to do that, so I posted the report to FB, but the only comment I made was quoting the woman at the end saying, "It was terrifying, but at least the police are doing their jobs." She immediately commented, "What the hell is the matter with you? Oh, never mind. It's not even worth explaining how much of an ******* you're being." And immediately on her own wall, "One and a half weeks after the bombing, and the 2nd amendment\nazi police force posts are showing up in my feed. What in the hell is wrong with people? I know you smell blood in the water but at least wait until the dust settles." And on another forum entirely she complains that I'm calling cops Nazis (which I didn't), which makes her very upset because she's mourning the victims, and describes me as "one of those 9/11 conspiracy and all cops are evil" nuts. I know this is about me because the time stamp is 15 minutes after my FB post. I hadn't said anything about the 2nd amendment at all; I certainly didn't call anyone Nazis, I don't hate cops (I actually fly search and rescue for the Sheriff's Office and as such am deputized myself) but the worst is in the other forum where she identified me as a 9/11=inside job idiot. THAT made me pissed. I have NEVER said anything remotely like that to her and those 9/11 conspiracy nutbars (and creationists, and moon hoax morons and pseudoscientists and conspiracy nuts of all kinds) are the exact opposite of everything I believe in and that's important to me. It was a direct strike at my core identity. The rest I can sort of let slide. But I can't be categorized amongst those I truly despise. Not in public. So for the last month, I have been angry at her and can't talk to her any more. Normally I would talk this out... but I was never meant to see the second post that really made me angry. We hadn't been talking and I got stalky. It's not a secret that she posts to this other forum; she talks about it regularly. But she doesn't know that I know her username there. So I can't talk this out with her without revealing that I kind of stalked her during this period. I can't be friends with her without talking it out. And that makes me more angry: at myself, for stalking, at her for classifying me in with the 9/11 conspiracy cretins, and at us for never being able to be friends again over a political disagreement that should be so trivial. tl;dr I'm angry at my friend for describing me as a conspiracy nutbag in a forum she doesn't fully grok that I know about. How do I talk to her to defuse the anger?
xorro Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 It sounds like she is very vehement about her views, and feels she can express them with great confident and arrogance because she's sure she's 'right'. It's always one party that escalates what should be a casual political discourse into an all-out, mud-slinging war. Since that's obviously her type, you need to bear that in mind. Don't have one-on-one political conversations with her, even if she's trying to draw you into it. Sit down with her face-to-face, and tell her that you consider her a good friend, and were a little hurt about her vehemence over what you thought was a casually-expressed view. Maybe she didn't mean for you to see her comments, but you did. Tell her you don't want to get into the politics at the moment- that you guys obviously aren't going to agree. Let her know that despite your different views, you think she's a reasonable person (even if that's not totally true) and you each have a right to your own opinion. Tell her you'll try to be more calm and less aggressive expressing your views in the future, and say you hope she'll do the same. Obviously she thinks you view cops as 'Nazis', which is a pretty strong thing to level against you. So she believes you're being unreasonable (even if you're not) and she is reacting to it in kind. It's time to make a joke or two about it, agree to differ, and let her know there was no offense meant and you're sorry it upset her so much. Tell her that it's always interesting to hear an opposing view, so you hope you will be able to continue being friends, since you value her and wouldn't want the friendship to end over something like that.
subversive Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Facebook is dumb. Fighting on Facebook is dumber. Stalking someone across the internet to see what they said about you is the dumbest. How do you know she specifically meant you? You're making assumptions. You ever hear the phrase about not talking about politics and religion? Sometimes that's the best policy. It's nice to have a friendly debate once in awhile, but you can't do that with everybody.
melodicintention Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Yep. Situations like these drove me away from Facebook, after it destroyed a 25 year friendship with my bestie. (Actually I facebook exposed her ass to me, I was just too blind to see before social networking). People fail to think about the fact that once you publish something, it's online FOREVER. You have a heated conversation over coffee, everyone forgets later what was said most often. Not online, it's there to stare at you. I'd be irked too if I was you, I don't blame you at all. However I must comment, I think your anger may be displaced. I wonder if you aren't actually angry with yourself for multiple reasons. Reassess your ego's role in all of this. Maybe you aren't seeing this for what it is. There's a quote, We see the world not as it is, but as we are. There are 3 sides to every story, make sure you are seeing this from that 3rd side. Then you might have a better time talking this over once you get it all in perspective. I think you are smart to want to talk it out, and do that talking in person!
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