Star Gazer Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 It's the kind of attention seeking stuff I see from my stepdaughter's group. When you hit your late 30's, 40's and, in my case 50's, it all seems so juvenile. To think that stuff's out there for all to see, well it's creepy. But then I am starting to sound just like my parents Tell me she didn't make duck lips? Or the duck face, whatever it is. The woman in question is in her 40's!!!
Emilia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Posting pictures of yourself on FB + receiving comments from men/women does not = attention whore. that comment is based on posting history
Star Gazer Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) Let me get this straight...she's an ex, and you care about what she posts on FB? Oh JFC. I don't see the point in analysing this at all. I post pictures up of myself, and get comments from male friends on FB (or used to, I recently deleted my account). They're mostly just funny, slightly cheeky comments like "you poser!" "Looking good!" etc, and no, I'm not an attention whore. The pictures are literally just things from nights out, holidays etc. Posting pictures of yourself on FB + receiving comments from men/women does not = attention whore. With those sorts of funny, sarcastic comments, no, you're not an attention whore. But when posting sexy pics of yourself (who does THAT except for attention whores?) and receiving multiple comments from men such as "How do you keep that body looking so fine?" or "My heart just skipped a beat" and thanking these guys for these compliments *while in a relationship*?? As I said, remember, this woman put herself up for a date auction while in a relationship with the OP. She's in her 40's. Attention whore. Edited May 28, 2013 by Star Gazer 2
Ruby Slippers Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Posting pictures of yourself on FB + receiving comments from men/women does not = attention whore. There are a lot of recent studies discussing the link between Facebook usage and narcissism.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I took a look at some of the pictures of my female friends on facebook, the ones who were in a relationship and the ones that weren't. Across the board I saw none of this. And we're talking about women who are all in their 20s, some of them still in college, the alleged "attention whore" stage of life. I don't know if your ex was an attention whore or not. That's a technical definition that I'm not qualified to diagnose. But, I do think it tells you about the type of people she selects to socialize with and share photos and life events with. That doesn't really bode well for cultivating healthy long term relationships, IMO... 1
Author Babolat Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) None of the photos are provacative or show skimpy clothing or sexy stuff. Rarely is there cleavage and she is a busty girl. Some are her in a cocktail dress, an evening gown (with me), or just dinner out type of clothes. I think the "issue" for me is she is a busty sexy girl, and no matter what she wears she looks greats. Her "shape" and curves show. When she walks into a room, men turn their head. I once commented on a skimpy cocktail dress a friend got her as a gift..it showed a lot and she was putting on on to try it out. She asked if I liked it, which I did, and then I said something like "as long as you do not mind men staring at your breasts". She replied stating no matter what she wears some men will just "be men" and look at her breasts. The photos are mostly fun nights out with the girls, some with us from nights out, picks with her family and the 2-3 bikini ones are at her families beach house, with her family, 2+ years before we met. She does not wear a one piece, only bikinis. She has an incredible body and even in regular clothes, it shows, even in a long sleeve sweater it shows. In a night out outifit it shows even more. She is an ex, we still keep in touch. I guess I am doing some self analysis of the relationship to better myself for the next one; and I am wondering if what I made of this in my head (I never talked to her about it) was a big deal. While we were dating she posted many pics of her and I together and she got lots of comments, mostly from gfs, but some from mfs saying "looking good" and stuff like that. And again, it's usually the same 5-7 men making the comments and she never flirts back, nothing more than a thanks. And it could a simple family photo with a shirt/sweater up to her neck, no skin, and a mf will make the "looking great" or "Pretty photo of you" comment. Edited May 28, 2013 by Babolat 1
MidwestUSA Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 None of the photos are provacative or show skimpy clothing or sexy stuff. Rarely is there cleavage and she is a busty girl. Some are her in a cocktail dress, an evening gown (with me), or just dinner out type of clothes. I think the "issue" for me is she is a busty sexy girl, and no matter what she wears she looks greats. Her "shape" and curves show. When she walks into a room, men turn their head. I once commented on a skimpy cocktail dress a friend got her as a gift..it showed a lot and she was putting on on to try it out. She asked if I liked it, which I did, and then I said something like "as long as you do not mind men staring at your breasts". She replied stating no matter what she wears some men will just "be men" and look at her breasts. The photos are mostly fun nights out with the girls, some with us from nights out, picks with her family and the 2-3 bikini ones are at her families beach house, with her family, 2+ years before we met. She does not wear a one piece, only bikinis. She has an incredible body and even in regular clothes, it shows, even in a long sleeve sweater it shows. In a night out outifit it shows even more. She is an ex, we still keep in touch. I guess I am doing some self analysis of the relationship to better myself for the next one; and I am wondering if what I made of this in my head (I never talked to her about it) was a big deal. While we were dating she posted many pics of her and I together and she got lots of comments, mostly from gfs, but some for mfs saying "looking good" and stuff like that. Ask yourself if you want to be with someone one in your age range who needs constant validation from social media. If she was that confident, why the flaunting/validation? How will you handle a potential mate who doesn't live on Facebook? You might enjoy that more. Curious as to why this is such a major issue to you. Edit: ps- you're dwelling on her, you know that, right?
Emilia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 None of the photos are provacative or show skimpy clothing or sexy stuff. Rarely is there cleavage and she is a busty girl. Some are her in a cocktail dress, an evening gown (with me), or just dinner out type of clothes. I think the "issue" for me is she is a busty sexy girl, and no matter what she wears she looks greats. Her "shape" and curves show. When she walks into a room, men turn their head. I once commented on a skimpy cocktail dress a friend got her as a gift..it showed a lot and she was putting on on to try it out. She asked if I liked it, which I did, and then I said something like "as long as you do not mind men staring at your breasts". She replied stating no matter what she wears some men will just "be men" and look at her breasts. The photos are mostly fun nights out with the girls, some with us from nights out, picks with her family and the 2-3 bikini ones are at her families beach house, with her family, 2+ years before we met. She does not wear a one piece, only bikinis. She has an incredible body and even in regular clothes, it shows, even in a long sleeve sweater it shows. In a night out outifit it shows even more. Women learn about these things early on Babolat. I have noticeable sized breasts too and I do like having them but don't have tons of photos showing them off on facebook. I know a very lovely Spanish girl who loves posing in photos, she is in one of my surf albums. She has this huge mane of blonde hair and she loves being in the forefront whenever photos are taken. I'm sure she would say as well that 'no matter what I do men will comment'. She is a nice girl but she knows what she is doing. You can't get unwanted attention on facebook. It's a controlled environment. The women I know who get lots of comments do so because they post photos that encourage comments. No-one twists their arms. 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I see nothing wrong with the way she handles her FB account. Facebook replaced physical photo albums a decade ago in my circle of friends. The point of FB is sharing photos and updates with your friends. Many of my friends have a few vacation shots with their husbands and kids, and they look amazing in their swimsuits (and of course dressed doing other activities). You were incompatible on other fronts--drunken sleepovers at her male friends' places, for instance. The date auction. Having pseudo dates with other guys where they paid for her meals and drinks. Her lack of respect for you. Those were the issues...and very obvious ones at that. Nothing subtle. Facebook? Total non-issue based on what you describe.
Emilia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I see nothing wrong with the way she handles her FB account. Facebook replaced physical photo albums a decade ago in my circle of friends. The point of FB is sharing photos and updates with your friends. Many of my friends have a few vacation shots with their husbands and kids, and they look amazing in their swimsuits (and of course dressed doing other activities). Out of interest - especially as they are married - do they have men making lewd comments on their photos? or do they perhaps feel that the audience are suitable and mature? 2
Author Babolat Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Ask yourself if you want to be with someone one in your age range who needs constant validation from social media. If she was that confident, why the flaunting/validation? How will you handle a potential mate who doesn't live on Facebook? You might enjoy that more. Curious as to why this is such a major issue to you. Edit: ps- you're dwelling on her, you know that, right? Dwelling may not be the right word, but I understand your comment. She recently reached out to me after a few weeks of no contacts, said she misses our friendship and is having a difficult time with me not being in her life, even as a friend. So yes, I am thinking about her a bit and I do wonder sometimes if I obsessed over some things too much, this being one of them.
Author Babolat Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Is she an attention whore? No, I do not think so. Does she have low self esteem and confidence issues? Yes. Her parents pretty much abandoned her as a child, so I am ure there is something going on there too. In her heart, and based on my time with her, I never saw her as untrusting or trying to get sexual/romantic attention from men. Some of her actions, decisions and behaviors were questionable. Does she need a lot of validation from men and woman, probably, again back to the low self esteem, low confidence and being abondoned by her parents. She is someone who craves affection and closeness and probably has fears of being abondoned or being alone. None of this makes her a whore, a slut or a bad person. And I am not justifying her actions or behaviors as I did end the relationship.
JessieJ08 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Well I think it depends on the respect the person has for themselves and their personal relationships. I say relationships because family and close friends are on Facebook not just your SO. When I got in my relationship all those guys that made comments and messages on my pics like that I deleted I dont think I really had that many lol but it wasn't even a question I needed to ask myself I dont need attention from 500 random guys who dont truly care for me anyways even if I knew them before who I am with now. They are my past and he is the only man I want calling me sexy. So when you make excuses for someone when you already know what they are about your just setting yourself up for disappointment. I have a lot of attractive friends Im very attractive but when it comes to Facebook its really up to you do I want to log in my facebook everyday and here what some guy I was just friends with thinks about my body? Ha No not at all, and if thats all he cares about when it comes to me is my body he isn't acting human and asking how my life is only then he isn't a friend truly just some perv on Facebook. I dont need that in my life to feel good about myself. 1
carhill Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Given the medium, the only 'appropriate' is what one deems such according to their own personal boundaries. As everyone is different,'appropriate' will be different for everyone. As this relationship is in the past, perhaps reflecting upon what was 'appropriate' or not during it can help with clarifying boundaries for future relationships. Good luck.
Emilia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Is she an attention whore? No, I do not think so. Does she have low self esteem and confidence issues? Yes. Her parents pretty much abandoned her as a child, so I am ure there is something going on there too. In her heart, and based on my time with her, I never saw her as untrusting or trying to get sexual/romantic attention from men. Some of her actions, decisions and behaviors were questionable. Does she need a lot of validation from men and woman, probably, again back to the low self esteem, low confidence and being abondoned by her parents. She is someone who craves affection and closeness and probably has fears of being abondoned or being alone. None of this makes her a whore, a slut or a bad person. And I am not justifying her actions or behaviors as I did end the relationship. 'attention whore' is an expression for a person you described above, it's not to call her a slut or anything like that. No-one is indicating she slept around. It's not to distress you OP and abandonment issues are difficult. It's just that by her age she should have the tools to work out her issues and how to deal with them constructively rather than show off her tits to strangers to get validation that way. I know you really like her as a person and that you fell loyalty towards her. It was probably right that you broke up with her though, she sounds very immature.
MidwestUSA Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Dwelling may not be the right word, but I understand your comment. She recently reached out to me after a few weeks of no contacts, said she misses our friendship and is having a difficult time with me not being in her life, even as a friend. So yes, I am thinking about her a bit and I do wonder sometimes if I obsessed over some things too much, this being one of them. And I was certainly not dogging you for it. Dwelling, obsessing, analyzing, trying to figure out what could have been different. We all have been there. Some of us more than others! All the best to you in the future!
Star Gazer Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 You can't get unwanted attention on facebook. It's a controlled environment. The women I know who get lots of comments do so because they post photos that encourage comments. No-one twists their arms. Yup. Exactly this. 1
Suave Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Ah, Facebook. A snapshot of the life we wish we could lead. I bet she doesn't have any pictures of her waking up in the morning with tangled hair, bags under her eyes and in sweatpants. People post good things about themselves because that's how they want other people to see them. It's a total narcissist fest and always has been. They rely on the comments of others to reassure themselves that they are beautiful, which shows weak mindedness and an inability to maintain their own self-confidence. 3
Author Babolat Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I bet she doesn't have any pictures of her waking up in the morning with tangled hair, bags under her eyes and in sweatpants. Actually, she does, though not many. And I agree 100% with your comments about Facebook...I have a large family so it's nice to keep up with them via FB, otherwise, I have grown to almost hate FB. 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Out of interest - especially as they are married - do they have men making lewd comments on their photos? or do they perhaps feel that the audience are suitable and mature? We can only control what we do, not what others do. That applies to his ex. Can I eliminate guys hitting on me while in a relationship. No. Not the woman's fault. But if I take flirtatious guys up on their offers, then we have a problem.
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Dwelling may not be the right word, but I understand your comment. She recently reached out to me after a few weeks of no contacts, said she misses our friendship and is having a difficult time with me not being in her life, even as a friend. So yes, I am thinking about her a bit and I do wonder sometimes if I obsessed over some things too much, this being one of them. My advice would be to wait six months or so to try a platonic friendship. Perhaps at that point, you might not even want that. Who knows how you will feel after you're had a chance to process everything? At any rate, it's almost impossible to be true friends this close to a breakup. FWIW, I don't think you are justifying her behavior. I think revisiting a relationship, looking for signs you may have missed, thinking how you might have handled things differently, etc. is part of growing and getting better at relationships. Everyone has good points and bad points. That's why choosing to end a relationship can be a very tough decision. It would be great if it was all bad (or all good), but that's not the way life works. Someone can be a good person but just not right for you. Unfortunately some of her actions and choices were not conducive to a healthy, happy relationship with you. You seemed to have misgivings for a long time. Perhaps, take a look at how you might respond or handle these next time. You will find happiness and the right person. It just takes patience, time, and staying true to what you really need in a relationship. 1
Maleficent Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I don't know if I was bothered by this because I would not act this way so I expect the same in return from her FB male friends, and would have expcted her to somehow stop it (I never ever said anything to her, that would be controlling which is not me). I don't know if it bothered me because I thought she needed and enjoyed the attention. I don't know if it bothered me because of trust.... Anyone have an opinion on this? Thanks Woah woah wait. So - the men are actually the ones having the unacceptable behaviour but somehow it's the women's fault?? are you freaking serious?
Estate Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 First, I do not like Facebook. I am in my mid 40s so maybe it's a generational thing. I broke up with my gf of 12+ months a couple of months ago. We are still FB friends, which is Ok with me. We still talk too and text occassionaly, how are you doing kind of chit chat. One thing that always bothered me about her was her posting pics of herself on FB, sometimes with girlfriends, sometimes with family, sometimes with both and sometimes of us, and the male friend comments that followed. Comments like "Looking sexy", "You are so HOT", "Beautiful", "Pretty lady", "How do you keep that body looking so good", "My heart just skipped a beat", "You took my breath away"....you get the point. She gets the same comments, to a degree, from her female friends too. By the way, the pics of us, it was just her female friends commenting though occassionaly a male friend would say something like "Lucky him" or "I wish I was him". Sometimes she would Like these comments. Her typical reply was "Thank you". She has a lot of friends and she is a big Facebooker. She has some photos on her page that predated us, in a bikini, just 2-3, where the men are just drooling with their comments. She is/was a beautiful woman with a incredible body. I am not insecure or jealous, never have been. This bothered me though, and I guess it's because it's not the kind of thing I have ever done, or would do, with my female FB friends, or any of my female friends for that matter. I cannot control what these male friends say. And I am sure she likes the attention. She always made it clear to me how she felt about me and I knew she was 150% into me. I don't know if I was bothered by this because I would not act this way so I expect the same in return from her FB male friends, and would have expcted her to somehow stop it (I never ever said anything to her, that would be controlling which is not me). I don't know if it bothered me because I thought she needed and enjoyed the attention. I don't know if it bothered me because of trust.... Anyone have an opinion on this? Thanks She's your ex. It's of no consequence to you what she or anyone else she knows does.
Adele0908 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 (edited) None of the photos are provacative or show skimpy clothing or sexy stuff. Rarely is there cleavage and she is a busty girl. Some are her in a cocktail dress, an evening gown (with me), or just dinner out type of clothes. I think the "issue" for me is she is a busty sexy girl, and no matter what she wears she looks greats. Her "shape" and curves show. When she walks into a room, men turn their head. I once commented on a skimpy cocktail dress a friend got her as a gift..it showed a lot and she was putting on on to try it out. She asked if I liked it, which I did, and then I said something like "as long as you do not mind men staring at your breasts". She replied stating no matter what she wears some men will just "be men" and look at her breasts. The photos are mostly fun nights out with the girls, some with us from nights out, picks with her family and the 2-3 bikini ones are at her families beach house, with her family, 2+ years before we met. She does not wear a one piece, only bikinis. She has an incredible body and even in regular clothes, it shows, even in a long sleeve sweater it shows. In a night out outifit it shows even more. She is an ex, we still keep in touch. I guess I am doing some self analysis of the relationship to better myself for the next one; and I am wondering if what I made of this in my head (I never talked to her about it) was a big deal. While we were dating she posted many pics of her and I together and she got lots of comments, mostly from gfs, but some from mfs saying "looking good" and stuff like that. And again, it's usually the same 5-7 men making the comments and she never flirts back, nothing more than a thanks. And it could a simple family photo with a shirt/sweater up to her neck, no skin, and a mf will make the "looking great" or "Pretty photo of you" comment. Sigh. This is what's called the "beautiful woman curse". No matter what she wears, how old she gets (well it probably wanes after menopause), and what kind of pictures she takes, her beauty makes a lot of men insecure. I mean to me it is obvious that the attention that she received from men made you insecure. She barely responded to the comments. A simple "thank you". I mean, you should have been proud to have had her. I hope this isn't what broke you two up, because if it is....sigh. How sad. Maybe you would have felt more secure if she deleted her facebook entirely? Maybe she was just out of your league (in your mind)? Edited May 29, 2013 by Adele0908
Author Babolat Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Sigh. This is what's called the "beautiful woman curse". No matter what she wears, how old she gets (well it probably wanes after menopause), and what kind of pictures she takes, her beauty makes a lot of men insecure. I mean to me it is obvious that the attention that she received from men made you insecure. She barely responded to the comments. A simple "thank you". I mean, you should have been proud to have had her. I hope this isn't what broke you two up, because if it is....sigh. How sad. Maybe you would have felt more secure if she deleted her facebook entirely? Maybe she was just out of your league (in your mind)? No, FB was not why we broke up. And I am secure, very, with myself and I was secure with her beauty. She was not out of my league and I never viewed her that way.
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