Hopeless situation?

[br0wn_eyed_girl]

This is my first time posting here, as I see no other solution to my sulking. I will try to be brief, and I just want to thank everyone for listening in advance.

 

So, the BU transpired in December. It was absolutely traumatic. He was the dumper. We were together for 2 years. We lived together for about a year and a half. We planned our lives together. Talked about marriage, kids, our future together. He's said several times that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that I was the best thing that's ever happened to him.

 

Our relationship had quite a few problems though. Big ones. Communication was always tough for us, as we fought pretty frequently. He was very conflict avoidant, and I was terrified that without conflict we'd eventually become indifferent/resentful towards each other and fail as a couple. I spoke what was on my mind, he kept quiet so as not to stir things up. (Granted, more often than not, I could have communicated better when I was bringing issues up.) He was also a huge people pleaser, I always felt that appearances trumped genuineness for him. He comes from a very broken home and thus his family relationships were very strange. No respect for mother, idealized father, and looked up to manipulative brother (and when I say manipulative, I mean it in every sense of the word. GIANT two face a**hole, but very intelligent at the same time. Textbook definition of psychopath) He decided somewhere along the way that I was not good enough for his brother, manipulated a few situations and ultimately caused a great deal of tension between us that ultimately played a part in our breakup.

 

80% of our relationship was incredible. Everything I'd ever wanted in a man and for myself. It was rewarding, nurturing, just overall GOOD.

But, I felt that, especially towards the end, our emotional intimacy was weak, he dismissed my feelings when I would bring up issues, pushed things under the rug, victimized himself saying I would always attack him, would display signs of manipulative behavior during fights, put his best female friend on a pedestal, etc. But at the end of the day, I felt that all these things were fixable. He apparently did not. He made a rather clean break - no drunk texts, no late night "I miss you" texts, nothing. Post BU, he was very set on having me in his life somewhere down the line when we've both healed. He would check in on me from time to time, I checked in on him from time to time. But our correspondences were always very cold and business-like. After about three months of therapy, self-reflection, and aloneness, I decided to send him a proposal for reconciliation letter. In this letter I fessed up to faults, to things I should/should not have done in the relationship, psycho analyzed the crap out of myself, and told him exactly how I've changed and how/what else I plan on changing. I apologized for the things I'd done, for how I treated him at times, for everything. I suggested that we try therapy together, or alone, take it slow, not live together at first. He responded with a three page self-dissection ultimately culminating in, "It's too late for therapy. I need to get to know myself all over again, I need to love myself, I can't be in a relationship right now...I can't jump back in with you. Not right now. I'm sorry." (Not verbatim, but close to it.)

 

I cut contact. He's emailed me a few times since to see how I was doing, I was courteous and respectful, but curt. Then a few days ago I had noticed that he befriended his ex on Facebook and I realized how much seeing it, despite my best efforts to get over it, still affected me so I purged him off of Facebook. So now I'm being consumed with thoughts about him getting back together with this ex, of him dating, of him actually enjoying life without me in it (well, clearly...he's made no effort to come back), how he hasn't expressed any emotion whatsoever in the last 4 months (he's a very emotional guy otherwise).

 

I feel like I've regressed back to day 1, I'm miserable, regretful, wishing to hear from him and try to work things out. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here...advice? opinions? experiences?

 

I'm just trying to do my best to move on without taking full responsibility for the BU and losing the best thing that has happened to me. But on the flipside, if this were true, he wouldn't be able to go on without me in his life. Ah IDK. This SUCKS.

[aisuru]

You can't worry about him any longer. As you see, it will only cause you to tailspin.

 

It's time to worry about you. Put yourself back together and improve yourself. There is lots of advice around this board on how to use self care, activities, and life goals to be better.

 

Time to put yourself first because if you won't, who will?

[br0wn_eyed_girl]

I'm just having a really hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that he's choosing to walk away the way he is. Having a hard time believing I'll ever be as happy as I was with him most of the time.

[aisuru]

I'm just having a really hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that he's choosing to walk away the way he is. Having a hard time believing I'll ever be as happy as I was with him most of the time.

 

Yep, welcome to the broken hearts club.

 

Some day, you'll fall in love again. And maybe, just maybe, you will be the dumper and understand.

 

Welcome to life, love and happiness!

 

You MUST rely on yourself to be happy. NOBODY else can make you happy.

 

Time for some self reflection.

[Leigh 87]

I also have a hard time letting go of my ex, it's okay, we have all been in your position. We have all been desperately in love with a man who did not want to be with us anymore.

 

It gets better, but only through time.

 

The more you have NO contact with him, the more you will move on.

 

I am actually very much looking forward to the day when I am over my ex and I meet the right guy for me that I will marry.

 

In the meanwhile though, it just plain hurts. We need to feel the pain, while at he same time knowing that with no contact, the pain WILL dissipate over time.

 

Yes it is cruel that it takes many months to be over them, it is so annoying right?

Ugh we are all going through this.

 

Some people do recover faster than others though.

 

Listen to the above poster though about self care - there is A LOT you could be doing for yourself that WOULD help you to feel better faster, than if you say, just felt sorry for yourself and made no effort to keep yourself busy and keep active and healthy.

 

Remember it just takes time to heal and feel better from him, but that there are ways you can make yourself move on faster.

[tinker683]

Wow, your relationship sounds VERY similar to mine except reverse the genders. It sounds like your ex did a lot of the same things mine did.

 

Intellectually, I can tell you that we will both be happy again. I'm now 5-6 weeks NC and I already start to feel stronger, I have more good days than bad. I wish I can tell you what to do with the anger, the feelings of betrayal, of being used, but I'm still struggling with that myself.

 

I comfort myself with the following mantra's, perhaps you might too (switch around the pronouns of course )....

 

1) Her Future Faking was her choice and her fault and does not reflect any value on me. She didn't drop out the relationship because of something I did or something I said, she dropped out of it because she decided she didn't want to participate anymore. That is and will forever be HER CHOICE.

 

2) I did not set enough boundaries for myself and my relationship in my head did not reflect the relationship as it was in reality. I made too many compromises and shredded my self esteem In the process. From here on in, I will make sure I respect my boundaries and I will not let someone compromise my values again just to please them.

 

3) she ultimately wasn't ready for what I had to offer. I would have gone the distance, I would have stayed by her side forever if she had kept me there, it was NOT MY FAULT she CHOSE to push me away and keep me out. SHE CHOSE NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE AN EQUAL BUT INSTEAD CHOSE TO TREAT ME LIKE A BURDEN and I deserve to be in a relationship where I'm a priority, not an option and certainly not an obligation.

 

4) She had options and she chose the one that I wasn't a part of. That is her and will forever be her choice and it does not reflect my worth at all

 

5) I will find someone better, someone I don't have to beg to be with me, someone I don't have to negotiate for time spent, someone who makes me a priority and not an option. When that day comes, I will truly realize what it means to be in a loving relationship and not the mockery of a loving relationship this future faking, commitment phobic woman sold me.

 

My 2 copper pieces...