ugh...

[seanpgrnc]

I think I already know how to do this but, as most of you can probably can probably attest, it feels a little better to get some validation (and advice of course) from others who have been there.

 

My ex and I met on a dating website. I was about a year and a half out of my divorce, rebound relationship far behind me, and feeing very good. I decided to try some new avenues of meeting people so I made a profile. Several days of occassionally scanning the site brought me to profile of a beautiful woman wearing a hat with my favorite football team logo on it. I sent her a message saying simply "nice hat". She responded and we started talking for several hours through the site's instant message feature. We talked about everything, mostly her asking me questions about myself. I had never met someone who was so curious to know the little details about me. We traded phone numbers and talked on the phone a couple of days and decided that we would like to meet. We met in a public place and that was that. We hit it off immediately. I wanted to kiss her so bad at the end of that 1st meeting, but refrained because I got the sense that this woman was worth way more than a few minutes of my time and didnt want to give her the impression that I was only sniffing around for a bed to lay down in.

 

A couple weeks of trading texts, talking on the phone and meeting for coffee brought us to a play that her friend was performing in. Afterwards, we met up at a local restaurant/bar with a good friend of hers and her friend's boyfriend. We talked there for a few hours and as we were saying our goodbyes in the parking lot after, I could tell there was something on her mind. I could tell she was somewhat nervous to continue but she did anyway. She told me that she was falling in love with me. Immediately, the lights and sirens began to go off in my head, but not in the oh sh*t kind of way. It felt absolutely right. I know I didnt know this girl at all but it felt more right than anything I had ever felt with anyone. It felt completely natural and right to whisper in her ear "I love you". Very very fast I know, but it felt right and obviously what I had been doing in the past wasn't working and had brought me to that point.

 

The next couple of months were some of the most exciting and fulfilling days I had ever known. I developed such deep admiration and affection towards this woman. I knew, without any reservation, that I was in love with her.

 

We ran into a couple hiccups along the way, in that our free time was somewhat limited due to our opposite schedules (I worked at night and she worked/went to school in the day time). She approached me saying that it didn't seem like I was putting in the effort to see her when I could, which was true as sleep seemed to rule my off time. I have an 8 year old son as well, who she met on the day we told each other 'I love you'.

Well I decided that I wasnt going to let this die in that manner and reaffirmed my love for her and that I would put in the necessary effort, as evidenced by my increased presence. I met her 3, almost grown kids. They are wonderful kids. So intelligent and responsible. She had done a wonderful job with them. Their dad was still very much in the picture so she wasn't looking for a daddy for them, and I wasn't looking for a mommy for my boy as his mom is very active in his world. My son fell absolutely in love with her and her kids. It was all coming together exactly as I had always dreamed it could.

 

Her background is such that her ex-husband had treated her horribly. (Frequent cheating, etc) Her father had been brutally beaten to death about 10 years ago and she said the strength that she found to get through that horrific ordeal gave her the strength to finally walk away from her abusive marriage.

 

A couple more months pass, throughout all of which we were frequently texting/telling each other how much we loved each other.

 

Fastforward to 2 weeks ago. We went to a dinner party at one of her friends' house. It was great! She and I come from different cultural backgrounds so the interaction between everyone was a little different than I was used to. (People hugging as opposed to shaking hands, etc.) Meeting people and being greeted with a hug myself. Itfelt a little weird to me but not in a negative way. I felt like I was finally being introduced to the type of world that I had always yearned for in terms of FEELING the love that was being given to me and not just simple words that were spoken as I've come to expect through my previous relationships. It was wonderful.

 

We left, drove back to her house where my car was, said our goodbyes for the evening and I drove home. It was always a ritual that we would both let each other know we had made it home safely. I, as always, let her know as soon as I pulled into my driveway. I heard nothing back from her. Her neighbor was throwing a party for their kid who had just graduated from college and she was over there hanging out, which was great. I started analyzing the scenario in my head, for reasons I still can't understand, and started feeling the same old feelings I used to feel with my ex wife, in that maybe I had been knocked out of the top spot by forces I was unaware of, and feeling kind of disappointed that she wasn't waiting for my confirmation that I had made it home. (My ex-wife was notorious for pushing me on to the back burner when ANYTHING else took up any portion of her time)

So what do I do? I start behaving in the manner that I had adopted with my ex-wife as a means to protect myself and survive. After awhile of not hearing from her, I decided to call her. She was in fact at the party and didn't hear her phone. She said she had been talking to old friends and that time had gotten away from her. Which I absolutely believed. I had no doubt in my mind that she was an honorable and faithful person and didn't think for a moment that she was doing anything detrimental to our relationship. By this time tho, I was in panic mode. (Silly, I know) I said some not so kind things, of which I don't even remember, and we hung up without saying 'I love you'. This put me super panic mode. I think I sent a few texts, the contents of which I also don't remember.

 

The next day, we spoke in the morning and seemed to iron out the miscommunication, and everythung seemed to go back to normal.

Normal in our behavior with each other, but not normal in the sense that I still felt a bit of the old feeling of having been pushed aside for something more fun.

 

A week goes by and I tell her, through text....., that I was feeling like maybe this was starting to resemble the way it felt when I 1st noticed my marriage was beginning to decline.

 

What happened next is baffling even to me.....

I began to not hear what she was saying (that she absolutely still loved me and that I am every bit as important to her as she always told me I was.) And started looking for some kind of sign, not that she hadn't already given me every sign imaginable, that what she was saying was true. Saying stuff I didnt mean in an attempt to produce the same kind of 'oh sh*t' response from her. Got nowhere. She was tired and we said good night.

 

The next morning I had to work. We started our day with the usual 'Good morning, sweetness' texts and call that we had done every single day but I could tell the prior night's conversation had left a bad taste in her mouth. So in my infinite knowledge and obvious desire to want to keep her in my life, I continued with my onslaught from the night before. Telling her that I fully expected her to walk out of my life because that's what had happened with the last girl I endeavoured to give my heart to.

This went on for a few hours. Me voicing my fears and her telling me that she wasn't going anywhere. Eventually the original point of my even bringing it up had been lost and we were just going around in circles. And then it happened. I got the text from her that our relationship was finished. Textbook self fulfilled prophecy stuff, right? I immediately progressed into 'ohsh*twtf' mode. Thus began the countless texts and calls with me saying how sorry I was and that I knew I was wrong, etc., etc., etc.....She wasn't having it. So again, being the dumbass I can sometimes be, I continued with the texts. Over the next few days, I sent her probably 100 texts a few calls trying to convince her that I wasn't crazy (obviously right?....) and that I was the same guy she had fallen in love with. Making a total fool of myself and embarrassing myself all along the way.

 

Her mom came to town this last Tuesday, for a week, who she only gets to see once a year and her focus at that point was, justifiably, on that. So what do I do? I keep trying to make her see the error in her opinion of me by continuing to reaffirm my love for her.

 

The night before last, in a moment of fake strength, I tell her all of the things that have been floating in my brain for the last week. This isn't fair, i thought we were steonger than this, it was her loss, etc. Huge mistake, of course. I was attempting to prematurely empower myself to move on rather than letti g things cool off and approach things in a calm, logical manner. She then told me that she does in fact still love me but things probably couldn't be the same and that we are at "the point of no return." All of my 'strength' melted away and I began, again, to try to convince her that what we have is more special and fulfilling than any relationship I had had before and starting trying to lay out plams to get back to where we were. To no avail. We agreed to not contact each other for a couple weeks and letnthe dust settle, during which time we would conduct ourselves in a respectful manner and not involve anyone else (my idea). She agreed and we hung up.

 

The next day, like a fool, I send her a text......saying " I know I shoudn't be contacting you. I am so sorry that I failed you baby. Regret that I will always carry with me. Please stay safe and keep on being the wonderfully mommy and person that you are. You will forever be in my heart and on my mind. I hope to hear from you again. I love you." This was yesterday.

 

Today officially begins no contact. I know it's a tool used to help one grieving the loss of their relationship to move on. I know this. But deep down I am holdind on to hope that the time apart will help her to remember the guy she fell in love with and truly miss him. And to, somehow, come to believe that I am still worthy of the kind of love she gave me.

 

I am so sorry for this novel. I just wanted to get it all out there.

 

What can I do???

[seanpgrnc]

I really don't think she is going to come back, given the short time that we have known each other.

[aisuru]

Good grief, sounded so great until this:

 

A week goes by and I tell her, through text....., that I was feeling like maybe this was starting to resemble the way it felt when I 1st noticed my marriage was beginning to decline.

 

 

Seriously. What an f'n insult. I probably would have dropped you then. The fact she held on for awhile longer is a testament that she cared about you.

 

Let me ask, how much therapy did you participate in after your marriage fell apart? Cause you have some deep rooted issues you need to deal with before you get into another relationship.

 

You sound emotionally immature. Time to grow up.

 

She's gone. You pushed her past the point of no return with all that craziness. No self respecting woman wants a needy little boy for a boyfriend or husband. And that is the image you projected with all those texts, phone calls, and projecting of feelings on to her.

 

Take care of yourself for now. Hopefully you figure the rest of it out.

 

I want to beat up on you a little more, but I think you're beginning to realize you were a knucklehead.

 

NO CONTACT. Good luck.

[seanpgrnc]

So one strike and you're out is the response I should expect from a 'mature' relationship?

[aisuru]

So one strike and you're out is the response I should expect from a 'mature' relationship?

 

I think you might have sealed the deal with "100s of texts over a few days and calls." Nobody wants to be chased/stalked like that when they need a break. All that pushing you did could very well have caused her to pull all the way back from wherever she was. That type of behavior is pretty crazy, unbalanced, or immature. I can tell you're older so I chose immature.

 

I'm not saying she'll never speak to you again.

 

I am saying you need to let it go and work on yourself.

 

So I ask my question again, did you go to therapy after your divorce?

[seanpgrnc]

Ya, I got a lot of it. More for the strength I needed to continue being a good dad to my son. We did dig into underlying self esteem issues and feelings of self worth that could promote this kind of behavior in future relationships. I called my therapist out of the blue after all this started and she got me in pretty quick. Didn't even charge me. (Thanks Megan (= )

[seanpgrnc]

I can see exactly where I went wrong in my behavior and the steps necessary to ensure she never sees that from me again. Shouldn't that count for something?

[aisuru]

Good. Glad to hear you have Megan in your life. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.

 

I can see exactly where I went wrong in my behavior and the steps necessary to ensure she never sees that from me again. Shouldn't that count for something?

 

Well yes and no. I think right now you're gonna have to give her space. Consequences to actions and all that jazz.

 

Look, I get it. You f'd up and you really care about her and want her in your life. Me too. I want HIM in my life. Unfortunately, neither you nor I get to decide that at this time. We're not in the decision making role for whether the relationship can be revived.

 

What I, and you, have to do is continue to work on ourselves. Be the person we want to be with. Do not hold out hope of reconciliation. Get a grip on those crazy emotions, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It's okay to be receptive to their return should they so choose, but we're not allowed to put our lives on hold or wallow in misery.

 

We pick our broken hearts up, dust them off, coddle them a bit, and tuck them away to heal for the next person who we meet. Cause you and I both know we won't be alone forever, regardless of who we join up with next.

 

You'll be okay.

[aisuru]

You're on fire, aisuru:love:

 

 

And with that, I'm going out for a night out on the town with my only single girlfriend left standing.

 

Hold the fort down metalchick.

[siankat]

I think I already know how to do this but, as most of you can probably can probably attest, it feels a little better to get some validation (and advice of course) from others who have been there.

 

My ex and I met on a dating website. I was about a year and a half out of my divorce, rebound relationship far behind me, and feeing very good. I decided to try some new avenues of meeting people so I made a profile. Several days of occassionally scanning the site brought me to profile of a beautiful woman wearing a hat with my favorite football team logo on it. I sent her a message saying simply "nice hat". She responded and we started talking for several hours through the site's instant message feature. We talked about everything, mostly her asking me questions about myself. I had never met someone who was so curious to know the little details about me. We traded phone numbers and talked on the phone a couple of days and decided that we would like to meet. We met in a public place and that was that. We hit it off immediately. I wanted to kiss her so bad at the end of that 1st meeting, but refrained because I got the sense that this woman was worth way more than a few minutes of my time and didnt want to give her the impression that I was only sniffing around for a bed to lay down in.

 

A couple weeks of trading texts, talking on the phone and meeting for coffee brought us to a play that her friend was performing in. Afterwards, we met up at a local restaurant/bar with a good friend of hers and her friend's boyfriend. We talked there for a few hours and as we were saying our goodbyes in the parking lot after, I could tell there was something on her mind. I could tell she was somewhat nervous to continue but she did anyway. She told me that she was falling in love with me. Immediately, the lights and sirens began to go off in my head, but not in the oh sh*t kind of way. It felt absolutely right. I know I didnt know this girl at all but it felt more right than anything I had ever felt with anyone. It felt completely natural and right to whisper in her ear "I love you". Very very fast I know, but it felt right and obviously what I had been doing in the past wasn't working and had brought me to that point.

 

The next couple of months were some of the most exciting and fulfilling days I had ever known. I developed such deep admiration and affection towards this woman. I knew, without any reservation, that I was in love with her.

 

We ran into a couple hiccups along the way, in that our free time was somewhat limited due to our opposite schedules (I worked at night and she worked/went to school in the day time). She approached me saying that it didn't seem like I was putting in the effort to see her when I could, which was true as sleep seemed to rule my off time. I have an 8 year old son as well, who she met on the day we told each other 'I love you'.

Well I decided that I wasnt going to let this die in that manner and reaffirmed my love for her and that I would put in the necessary effort, as evidenced by my increased presence. I met her 3, almost grown kids. They are wonderful kids. So intelligent and responsible. She had done a wonderful job with them. Their dad was still very much in the picture so she wasn't looking for a daddy for them, and I wasn't looking for a mommy for my boy as his mom is very active in his world. My son fell absolutely in love with her and her kids. It was all coming together exactly as I had always dreamed it could.

 

Her background is such that her ex-husband had treated her horribly. (Frequent cheating, etc) Her father had been brutally beaten to death about 10 years ago and she said the strength that she found to get through that horrific ordeal gave her the strength to finally walk away from her abusive marriage.

 

A couple more months pass, throughout all of which we were frequently texting/telling each other how much we loved each other.

 

Fastforward to 2 weeks ago. We went to a dinner party at one of her friends' house. It was great! She and I come from different cultural backgrounds so the interaction between everyone was a little different than I was used to. (People hugging as opposed to shaking hands, etc.) Meeting people and being greeted with a hug myself. Itfelt a little weird to me but not in a negative way. I felt like I was finally being introduced to the type of world that I had always yearned for in terms of FEELING the love that was being given to me and not just simple words that were spoken as I've come to expect through my previous relationships. It was wonderful.

 

We left, drove back to her house where my car was, said our goodbyes for the evening and I drove home. It was always a ritual that we would both let each other know we had made it home safely. I, as always, let her know as soon as I pulled into my driveway. I heard nothing back from her. Her neighbor was throwing a party for their kid who had just graduated from college and she was over there hanging out, which was great. I started analyzing the scenario in my head, for reasons I still can't understand, and started feeling the same old feelings I used to feel with my ex wife, in that maybe I had been knocked out of the top spot by forces I was unaware of, and feeling kind of disappointed that she wasn't waiting for my confirmation that I had made it home. (My ex-wife was notorious for pushing me on to the back burner when ANYTHING else took up any portion of her time)

So what do I do? I start behaving in the manner that I had adopted with my ex-wife as a means to protect myself and survive. After awhile of not hearing from her, I decided to call her. She was in fact at the party and didn't hear her phone. She said she had been talking to old friends and that time had gotten away from her. Which I absolutely believed. I had no doubt in my mind that she was an honorable and faithful person and didn't think for a moment that she was doing anything detrimental to our relationship. By this time tho, I was in panic mode. (Silly, I know) I said some not so kind things, of which I don't even remember, and we hung up without saying 'I love you'. This put me super panic mode. I think I sent a few texts, the contents of which I also don't remember.

 

The next day, we spoke in the morning and seemed to iron out the miscommunication, and everythung seemed to go back to normal.

Normal in our behavior with each other, but not normal in the sense that I still felt a bit of the old feeling of having been pushed aside for something more fun.

 

A week goes by and I tell her, through text....., that I was feeling like maybe this was starting to resemble the way it felt when I 1st noticed my marriage was beginning to decline.

 

What happened next is baffling even to me.....

I began to not hear what she was saying (that she absolutely still loved me and that I am every bit as important to her as she always told me I was.) And started looking for some kind of sign, not that she hadn't already given me every sign imaginable, that what she was saying was true. Saying stuff I didnt mean in an attempt to produce the same kind of 'oh sh*t' response from her. Got nowhere. She was tired and we said good night.

 

The next morning I had to work. We started our day with the usual 'Good morning, sweetness' texts and call that we had done every single day but I could tell the prior night's conversation had left a bad taste in her mouth. So in my infinite knowledge and obvious desire to want to keep her in my life, I continued with my onslaught from the night before. Telling her that I fully expected her to walk out of my life because that's what had happened with the last girl I endeavoured to give my heart to.

This went on for a few hours. Me voicing my fears and her telling me that she wasn't going anywhere. Eventually the original point of my even bringing it up had been lost and we were just going around in circles. And then it happened. I got the text from her that our relationship was finished. Textbook self fulfilled prophecy stuff, right? I immediately progressed into 'ohsh*twtf' mode. Thus began the countless texts and calls with me saying how sorry I was and that I knew I was wrong, etc., etc., etc.....She wasn't having it. So again, being the dumbass I can sometimes be, I continued with the texts. Over the next few days, I sent her probably 100 texts a few calls trying to convince her that I wasn't crazy (obviously right?....) and that I was the same guy she had fallen in love with. Making a total fool of myself and embarrassing myself all along the way.

 

Her mom came to town this last Tuesday, for a week, who she only gets to see once a year and her focus at that point was, justifiably, on that. So what do I do? I keep trying to make her see the error in her opinion of me by continuing to reaffirm my love for her.

 

The night before last, in a moment of fake strength, I tell her all of the things that have been floating in my brain for the last week. This isn't fair, i thought we were steonger than this, it was her loss, etc. Huge mistake, of course. I was attempting to prematurely empower myself to move on rather than letti g things cool off and approach things in a calm, logical manner. She then told me that she does in fact still love me but things probably couldn't be the same and that we are at "the point of no return." All of my 'strength' melted away and I began, again, to try to convince her that what we have is more special and fulfilling than any relationship I had had before and starting trying to lay out plams to get back to where we were. To no avail. We agreed to not contact each other for a couple weeks and letnthe dust settle, during which time we would conduct ourselves in a respectful manner and not involve anyone else (my idea). She agreed and we hung up.

 

The next day, like a fool, I send her a text......saying " I know I shoudn't be contacting you. I am so sorry that I failed you baby. Regret that I will always carry with me. Please stay safe and keep on being the wonderfully mommy and person that you are. You will forever be in my heart and on my mind. I hope to hear from you again. I love you." This was yesterday.

 

Today officially begins no contact. I know it's a tool used to help one grieving the loss of their relationship to move on. I know this. But deep down I am holdind on to hope that the time apart will help her to remember the guy she fell in love with and truly miss him. And to, somehow, come to believe that I am still worthy of the kind of love she gave me.

 

I am so sorry for this novel. I just wanted to get it all out there.

 

What can I do???

 

What i am getting from your post: So you had a whirlwind romance, that felt like it had grown roots, then you noticed a sign she was pulling away, so you went full scale towards her.

 

I'm guessing she found it highly unattractive and so ANY FURTHER CONTACT of this nature even if she gets in touch and you respond, will have her balking.

 

Listen, she is a middle aged woman, who raised children, in an abusive relationship and who's father died recently (i know it was 10 years). This to me means she learned from her mistakes, realises how precious time is, and doesn't want to live to make more mistakes knowingly. I do not know the details of how her abusive relationship transpired but usually, abuse does not happen in the initial stages as abusers are calculating and choose more or less what and when to reveal themselves. I think by you sending her 100 texts in one day is a sign to her (as it would be to me), that you are not in control. Sure love is a drug, and a very powerful one. But that is the initial heady love i'm referring to. Real love means respecting her wishes.

 

Your post seems to be reading like, 'i love her, i'll do anything to get her, how do i make her see etc' but you are talking about YOU because you are caring about YOUR feelings in this. You are not a teenager who has not been through this before so you know by and large that you are being selfish here and it's not 'love' you are now expressing but have activated self preservation mode at the cost of all else.

 

I know that no matter your age, the feelings can be just as powerful and more so if you feel you have met the right person. I am glad you have started nc but when you are calm, think about who you are upset for. And try and do the bigger thing. If you love someone and they are happier without you, let them go.

[seanpgrnc]

I agree with all of you. It hurts me so bad to think that I took her out of her place of contentment and forced her to engage in any of this. It was a foolish and stupid relic of a relationship that had nothing at all to do with her and she should not have had to pay for it in any way.

I know I met the right person. What's killing me is that she no longer believes the same.

[seanpgrnc]

Not sure what to do to put this relationship behind me. I tell myself that she is definitely never coming back to me but at this point it's just words. I just don't believe it yet, which keeps me holding on to the hope that she will miss me enough to give me an opportunity regain her affection. Broken record, I know. I just miss her.

[lovelifexx]

You may have seen it as one mistake and that you will never do it again, but if I guy I was together with did that to me, I would be pretty scared of him. I don't mean to be harsh but there is no way I would give someone who texts me 100 times in a few days another chance. Even if he was wonderful the rest of the time.