venusianx13 Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 A male friend who I haven't seen or spoken to in a while recently heard about my engagement and sent me a congratulatory text, but afterward began expressing his disappointment. His last text to me was: "You and I should have gotten engaged. I have known you for a while, I'm a good guy." He was dead serious. A mutual friend of ours confirmed that yes, he was dismayed about it. And not because my F is not a good guy, but because it's not him. I'm not sure what to do about this. We've been friends for five years, and in the beginning, I knew he had a crush on me. However, over time I made sure it was established that we were just friends. I really wasn't expecting this. I didn't respond to his last text, as I wasn't sure what to say. For the past couple of nights, he's called me, but I haven't answered because I feel so awkward about this. I don't plan on blowing him off for good, but what do I say??? I am deathly afraid of hurting peoples' feelings, so I often have to sit on things for a while.
Author venusianx13 Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 (edited) Well, that stinks... maybe I was naïve about it, but I thought we were alright. I mean, he even highly approved of my F after their first time meeting. I truly want my friend to find a girl to settle down with (I know that's what he wants) but I have a feeling/idea that he scares women off by being too forward. So, is there really no rectifying this? Edited May 24, 2013 by venusianx13
CarrieT Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 You're the poster child for why men and women can't be friends. Well, being an engaged woman with LOTS of male friends, I think this is rubbish. Venusian, in the case of your friend, there probably isn't much you can do about it. You knew he had a crush, but maintained what was a "friendship" in your mind - in his mind, there was always the potential of more. You can't be "deathly afraid" of hurting someone's feelings - that will have you walking on egg shells all the time. If he can't accept it, you have to just move on and hope - maybe - someday you can be friends again. I am friends with all my Ex's but the KEY is being friends when there is NO sexual interest by either parties. If he still pines for you, there can be no friendship. Sorry. 1
xorro Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I think you should reiterate that you value him as a friend, but clarify that despite a good connection, you two are not suited to each other. Tell him that when he meets the right person, he'll realize agreeing to marry someone requires more than just caring for each other. If you two were to have gotten engaged, it would've meant that perhaps neither of you would've found the 'right' person. It's possible to end up married to someone you're compatible with, without it being 'the one'. Tell him you know with absolute certainty that your fiance is 'the one' for you, and that he will have that same certainty when he meets the girl who is 'the one' for him. Until he meets her, it's normal to wonder "what if" about potential relationships, but after he meets her, they will all pale in comparison, and he will understand what you mean. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to get engaged to each other simply because you're good people who enjoy each other. (and no, I don't fully believe all of that.. but when he meets a girl who fully reciprocates his feelings, he will feel much stronger connection with her.)
Author venusianx13 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Thanks for your responses. CarrieT, what you've said is true. I have other male friends and this is not an issue with them. Perhaps I was a little too gentle with this particular friend at times, because he has a good heart and I don't want to hurt him. I also see his struggles with women, and feel very sorry for him. However, I realize I must make it clear to him that if he wishes to remain friends he must respect my boundaries. I have not acknowledged what he last said to me. Next I speak to him (I don't wish to ignore him) I will be very clear. He may not take it well, but it's best I let him know that this is not acceptable. 1
LovesHangover Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 If he wishes to remain friends, he must respect your boundaries. Can you respect the fact that he has the right to express himself? This really shouldn't be awkward for you. He said what he needed to say, now say what you need to say. You don't have to be mean or ugly about it, but tell him about your discomfort and what you want from your relationship moving forward. You're friends, and that is great considering you could be nothing. Sometimes people communicate things that make you uncomfortable. When this happens, you have every right to say what you need to say. Boundaries are great and everyone should have them but communication should be open.
Fugu Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 A male friend who I haven't seen or spoken to in a while recently heard about my engagement and sent me a congratulatory text, but afterward began expressing his disappointment. His last text to me was: "You and I should have gotten engaged. I have known you for a while, I'm a good guy." He was dead serious. A mutual friend of ours confirmed that yes, he was dismayed about it. And not because my F is not a good guy, but because it's not him. I'm not sure what to do about this. We've been friends for five years, and in the beginning, I knew he had a crush on me. However, over time I made sure it was established that we were just friends. I really wasn't expecting this. I didn't respond to his last text, as I wasn't sure what to say. For the past couple of nights, he's called me, but I haven't answered because I feel so awkward about this. I don't plan on blowing him off for good, but what do I say??? I am deathly afraid of hurting peoples' feelings, so I often have to sit on things for a while. You're not friends - at least not in his mind. He just didn't have the balls to come out and ask for what he really wanted. He lurked around under the pretense of being a friend. F*ck him (not literally, of course).
Author venusianx13 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 If he wishes to remain friends, he must respect your boundaries. Can you respect the fact that he has the right to express himself? This really shouldn't be awkward for you. He said what he needed to say, now say what you need to say. You don't have to be mean or ugly about it, but tell him about your discomfort and what you want from your relationship moving forward. You're friends, and that is great considering you could be nothing. Sometimes people communicate things that make you uncomfortable. When this happens, you have every right to say what you need to say. Boundaries are great and everyone should have them but communication should be open. This is a bit of a tangent, but I'm afraid I have trouble expressing myself when I feel uncomfortable. Which is exactly why I went "off the radar" after what he said... I feel afraid of saying something to hurt him. My fault; I think I was naïve to think his crush had blown over. I never really did spell it out clearly for him.
Geiss Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I kind of feel bad for the guy because it sucks to be friendzoned. Women do this all the time and have some guy tagging along hoping things will change meanwhile the woman thinks that the guy isn't interested in anything more than just a friendship. In your case it sounds like you knew he was interested in more. Did he ever ask you out or let you know how he felt? Well he must have let you know because you knew about it.
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