Fear that this love wasn't "real"

[Clemenza]

Have any other OW/OM experienced this? I'm currently in the mindset in which I'm craving assurance that the love we had was "real." Whatever that even means. Not assurance from her, necessarily, just assurance from myself. It doesn't look like we're ever going to have the chance to really be together. Logically, I understand why.

 

I have this sinking feeling that our love wasn't "real," even though I was there and I know what we experienced. We both felt a connection that we never felt with anyone else. She shared things with me that she never felt comfortable sharing with anyone else. I've had other women tell me they love me, but I always felt that they loved who they thought I was or could be. This woman knew (still knows) all the little intricacies that make me who I am. So when she told me she loved me, I was confident that she loved ME.

 

Our PA lasted for 7 months, but the emotional part has been going on for a good 15 months. During that time, she's told me countless times that this is the realest love she's ever felt. Even 4 days ago when we decided to go NC, she said that it has always been real to her and not just a rough patch in her marriage.

 

I know, in my head, that love could still be there but the circumstances can still be bad and make it so the love couldn't win out. Our NC was initiated on somewhat hostile terms, so I guess I think that she might be a little mad at me and that will erase 15 months of emotions for her. She's been mad at me before, and never lost that love. Even after a couple of d-days, and the tension that goes with those, she never wavered about how she felt.

 

Why can't I just appreciate that somebody loved me that much and be happy that we connected on that level, even if it couldn't last? Why do I crave the return on investment so much? Why am I even trying to quantify something like love?

 

I think co-dependency is a major part of the answer, and I'm seeing a counselor to work on it. Just wondering if these are normal feelings for OM/OW.

[Praying4Peace]

Have any other OW/OM experienced this? I'm currently in the mindset in which I'm craving assurance that the love we had was "real." Whatever that even means. Not assurance from her, necessarily, just assurance from myself. It doesn't look like we're ever going to have the chance to really be together. Logically, I understand why.

 

I have this sinking feeling that our love wasn't "real," even though I was there and I know what we experienced. We both felt a connection that we never felt with anyone else. She shared things with me that she never felt comfortable sharing with anyone else. I've had other women tell me they love me, but I always felt that they loved who they thought I was or could be. This woman knew (still knows) all the little intricacies that make me who I am. So when she told me she loved me, I was confident that she loved ME.

 

Our PA lasted for 7 months, but the emotional part has been going on for a good 15 months. During that time, she's told me countless times that this is the realest love she's ever felt. Even 4 days ago when we decided to go NC, she said that it has always been real to her and not just a rough patch in her marriage.

 

I know, in my head, that love could still be there but the circumstances can still be bad and make it so the love couldn't win out. Our NC was initiated on somewhat hostile terms, so I guess I think that she might be a little mad at me and that will erase 15 months of emotions for her. She's been mad at me before, and never lost that love. Even after a couple of d-days, and the tension that goes with those, she never wavered about how she felt.

 

Why can't I just appreciate that somebody loved me that much and be happy that we connected on that level, even if it couldn't last? Why do I crave the return on investment so much? Why am I even trying to quantify something like love?

 

I think co-dependency is a major part of the answer, and I'm seeing a counselor to work on it. Just wondering if these are normal feelings for OM/OW.

 

Wow. You just described my emotions EVERY day. This is basically the exact dialogue that goes through my head. I bolded some stuff up above. That's what you know, so that is the truth. Now you can make that into love or not into love...that depends on your definition of love.

 

Its often said on this board that love is an 'action' and it totally is. But the 'action' that is most oftentimes analyzed here is the decision to leave the current and be together. A 'love trumps all is' or 'all's fair in love and war' type attitude.

 

But what about the other 'actions' that smaller and also show love? Confiding in someone about something you've never been comfortable sharing before? That's an action. Giving up time with everyone else to be together? That's an action. Going back after Ddays? That's an action. Sticking around for someone who you know inside in out (as you described, she knows the real you)...That's an action. Those were all present in my A. Generally, that's described as being in a 'fog' and though that might be true for some circumstances, its not true for mine. The only 'fog' was the inability to think through things and realize we were hurting ourselves by remaining in a torturous situation and thinking it would be easy to just walk away from our lives.

 

I think you also are wondering if the love will remain. If it fades away, then was it love? Will I feel like this next year or will she? Even if its a small compartment, boxed away? That only time will tell.

 

I wake up every night, in the middle of the night when its so quiet you can hear the air pressure and wind outside and nothing else. And I wonder what you just wrote above. Even after 5 months of NC that we both pledged to each other.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[RickFox]

If I'm reading correctly, you're a guy and you wonder if she cared one bit........ and the answer to your question is that yes, many of us have felt the exact same way you did.

 

My A ended after a dday, she turned on me, became hostile and at times I gave it back so in the end, for the most part I have convinced myself that she is a player and I was the fool. For me to consider that she cared or truly loved me, does me no good anymore. It is what it T - I - IS

[secretlady76]

Mmmm, well maybe it's because it is difficult to believe it was real if it was disposed of so easily.

 

I 100% believe how I felt was genuine and I believe 100% what he felt was genuine. If it wasn't then we wouldn't have gone to the lengths and caused the amount of pain we did for nothing.

 

However, once NC is decided and the person you love becomes a stranger to you then you start to wonder if it happened at all or if it was just a figment of your imagination. How something that felt intense could be simply distinguished in a heart beat.

 

I am sure what she felt was real. But accepting to let it go and move on is very hard. And the urge to reach out to see if she still feels the same way is so tempting.

[Praying4Peace]

Don't worry the love was real.

 

But, that is not the issue.

 

He lived in two different universes.

 

Wow Pierre, you don't even read for gender anymore?? LOL

[Clemenza]

I think you also are wondering if the love will remain. If it fades away, then was it love? Will I feel like this next year or will she? Even if its a small compartment, boxed away? That only time will tell.

 

EXACTLY this, too. I ask myself that, if I get over her, did I really love her? I think that getting over someone is more of a self-preservation thing, than about losing all feelings. Getting over someone could just be about getting over wanting/needing to be with that person. Not getting over and dismissing what you felt when you were with that person.

 

You also described, in your other feedback, how I feel too. I really don't think we just got caught up in the "fog" or the heat of the moment. There were many opportunities since the first d-day for us to hit the eject button and just chalk it up to a mistake and nothing else. I think some people just naturally have that connection.

 

Sidenote: We decided on Monday to have NC. We work in the same office, and today is my first day back since then. She told my office mate something outside of our door, and left without acknowledging me. I know we decided on NC and having to avoid each other, but it truly sucks that we're so close but have to treat each other like strangers. I had to leave the office because I started having panic. When I went downstairs to go to my car, she and our co-worker were by the door. It would've been awkward at that point NOT to say hello, so we briefly said hi and exchanged smiles. I got in my car, cried, and came home. This all happened about 20 minutes ago or so. Damn.

[secretlady76]

I almost shed tears reading your last post. I have been there. The seeing them bit is the worst. Either you have to pretend you haven't seen them, or not catch their eye or walk past and not even look. It's horrible because it goes against what you actually want to do which is walk up to them and give them a kiss and a cuddle. It's just awful.

[Praying4Peace]

EXACTLY this, too. I ask myself that, if I get over her, did I really love her? I think that getting over someone is more of a self-preservation thing, than about losing all feelings. Getting over someone could just be about getting over wanting/needing to be with that person. Not getting over and dismissing what you felt when you were with that person.

 

You also described, in your other feedback, how I feel too. I really don't think we just got caught up in the "fog" or the heat of the moment. There were many opportunities since the first d-day for us to hit the eject button and just chalk it up to a mistake and nothing else. I think some people just naturally have that connection.

 

Sidenote: We decided on Monday to have NC. We work in the same office, and today is my first day back since then. She told my office mate something outside of our door, and left without acknowledging me. I know we decided on NC and having to avoid each other, but it truly sucks that we're so close but have to treat each other like strangers. I had to leave the office because I started having panic. When I went downstairs to go to my car, she and our co-worker were by the door. It would've been awkward at that point NOT to say hello, so we briefly said hi and exchanged smiles. I got in my car, cried, and came home. This all happened about 20 minutes ago or so. Damn.

 

This is only Day 1. It's going to be very hard. I honestly don't understand how people who see each other daily ever get over this stuff. The thought of seeing my exMM in person gives me severe anxiety and panic. I avoid him like the plague.

[bellasue]

BTW, P4P, I think Pierre has an "auto reply" function now.

[SunshineToday]

 

I 100% believe how I felt was genuine and I believe 100% what he felt was genuine. If it wasn't then we wouldn't have gone to the lengths and caused the amount of pain we did for nothing.

.

 

 

Not you Secretlady (I know you already know better!) but I caution any AP to judge if the "love was real" based on lengths people went to during the affair.

I went to many lengths and told many lies--because I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET CAUGHT---so my risk taking really had nothing to do with the way I felt about my AP. It was how I felt about me.

 

People wondering if the love was real after the affair is over are not over the affair. Once you stop wondering and accept that, yeah maybe this was all for nothing, or even--now I see clearly this wasn't love and I don't even care---you will heal up much faster.

[secretlady76]

Not you Secretlady (I know you already know better!) but I caution any AP to judge if the "love was real" based on lengths people went to during the affair.

I went to many lengths and told many lies--because I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET CAUGHT---so my risk taking really had nothing to do with the way I felt about my AP. It was how I felt about me.

 

People wondering if the love was real after the affair is over are not over the affair. Once you stop wondering and accept that, yeah maybe this was all for nothing, or even--now I see clearly this wasn't love and I don't even care---you will heal up much faster.

 

When I meant lengths we went to, what I mean is when we grew some balls and both at the same time announced the relationship to our spouses and admitted our feelings to them. That took some guts I tell you that. And we wouldn't have done that if we hadn't been serious about it. This was not prompted by a D-DAY, we simply decided to do it. To expose it. Massive fallout and that has taken some guts to deal with too.

 

Carry on

[Quiet Storm]

Love is different things to different people.

 

For some it is a fleeting feeling. If it is brief, does that make it less real? Some believe love is enduring. If it is comfortable & boring, is it less real? Some believe its unconditional. Does that mean you have to tolerate poor treatment to be loving? It really is different for everybody.

 

The person that feels love, may see things very differently than the recipient of the love.

 

An example. A father left his wife & daughter when she was five. He had some legal issues, did some time in jail, had addiction issues, and was not in contact with his daughter for many years. During this time, he thought of her often. He loved her. In his mind, he would think "I'd take a bullet for her". He'd look at the old pictures every day. He'd cry. He'd think about the fun times they'd spent together. He'd feel sorry for himself... if only I had done this, if only I hadn't done that.

 

The daughter grew up without her dad. Her mom had lots of boyfriends through the years. Some of them were inappropriate with her. She would often think, if I only had my real dad. He would protect me. She'd cry, missing him. Or the idea of him, anyways. She would dream of him showing up to take her away. She'd fantasize about him sitting in the stands during her soccer games. She'd picture him cheering for her on her high school graduation day. But none of that ever happened. She felt abandoned, minimized, unimportant, alone.

 

Now...was the father's love genuine?

 

Probably. It was an emotion he genuinely felt.

 

Did the fact that it was genuine benefit the daughter? Do you think that knowing he was thinking of her while she was struggling & needed a father...do you think that brings comfort to her?

 

I think that love can definitely happen and be felt without action. But, is love quantified by the amount of time you spend thinking about a person? Or is it quanitified by the loving things that you do for the object of your affection?

[Sarabi]

Have any other OW/OM experienced this? I'm currently in the mindset in which I'm craving assurance that the love we had was "real." Whatever that even means. Not assurance from her, necessarily, just assurance from myself. It doesn't look like we're ever going to have the chance to really be together. Logically, I understand why.

 

I have this sinking feeling that our love wasn't "real," even though I was there and I know what we experienced. We both felt a connection that we never felt with anyone else. She shared things with me that she never felt comfortable sharing with anyone else. I've had other women tell me they love me, but I always felt that they loved who they thought I was or could be. This woman knew (still knows) all the little intricacies that make me who I am. So when she told me she loved me, I was confident that she loved ME.

 

Our PA lasted for 7 months, but the emotional part has been going on for a good 15 months. During that time, she's told me countless times that this is the realest love she's ever felt. Even 4 days ago when we decided to go NC, she said that it has always been real to her and not just a rough patch in her marriage.

 

I know, in my head, that love could still be there but the circumstances can still be bad and make it so the love couldn't win out. Our NC was initiated on somewhat hostile terms, so I guess I think that she might be a little mad at me and that will erase 15 months of emotions for her. She's been mad at me before, and never lost that love. Even after a couple of d-days, and the tension that goes with those, she never wavered about how she felt.

 

Why can't I just appreciate that somebody loved me that much and be happy that we connected on that level, even if it couldn't last? Why do I crave the return on investment so much? Why am I even trying to quantify something like love?

 

I think co-dependency is a major part of the answer, and I'm seeing a counselor to work on it. Just wondering if these are normal feelings for OM/OW.

 

Why is it co-dependency? Really...at the end of the day, why is this connection so deep and meaningful and amazing if it is not meant to last? that is the problem. How can something that feels so special just last for a little while before you have to admit that its not meant to be...even though you have really strong feelings for that person? Isn't that part of the essence of being human-to love and be loved? That is why people have relationships...its not unnatural to want more if your feelings are strong enough.

 

Maybe its just a case of life being unfair...those who already have love (Marrieds) are getting more love (from AP's) and then leaving us high and dry to cope with the fallout...whilst still being loved (by their primary loves the BS's)

[psm04]

Hello Clemenza.. What you are feeling is normal. I can relate to this in a lot of ways.

 

I do think that the love was real. It was real in the context of what was going on in your situation. It isn't the same love that one feels for his/her spouse (that includes selfless actions), but it was still love. That's what I've started to believe in my case anyway. I was going crazy doubting everything that my xOMM said to me, and it has been hindering my healing process. Just because I didn't leave my H or he didn't leave his W does not mean that we didn't/don't love each other.

 

I think if you try to not analyze it, it will be easier for you to deal with everything.

[Clemenza]

I want to thank everyone for your input today. It was a tough one because of having to see her at work after NC had been established. There were maybe 2 or 3 times in which we passed each other in the halls. We smiled, said hi, but didn't chat. I guess that's a start.

 

The first D-day was in December, and we've had periods of NC/LC since then. This feels different, though, and more likely that it's the end of an era. I told her since D-day in December that I wanted to be with her at some point, but that I needed to give her and her H space to do whatever they needed to do. Last month, I told that I don't know that I would be with her if the only reason she was getting a divorce was if she could be with me. She took that as ME just ending things. That wasn't my intention, I just didn't want to be the wedge. 3 weeks ago, I told her that I do want to be with her but to divorce only if she feels it's in the best interests of her and her daughter. I re-declared my love to her. I even wrote her a letter, which she said was the best thing anybody has ever written to her. Unbeknownst to me, she and her H had started marriage counseling and she moved back in. I only found out a day after I gave her the letter. A week later (2 weeks ago) she and I had sex for the first time since late November. After she moved back in again. After they started counseling. And after she began wearing her ring again. Seeing her wearing her ring again was messing with my head, and I told her on Monday that I hated being in limbo. She said that, since I told her last month that I couldn't see myself with her under these circumstances, she just thought that it wasn't worth all the financial turmoil to get a divorce. So she followed the advice of some people and started marriage counseling. She said she couldn't promise anything to me, and that it might be in everybody's best interests if we had NC and tried to avoid each other at work. I was off for 3 days, and returned today. I started IC yesterday.

 

Now I'm regretting telling her that I couldn't be with her, even though that wasn't totally true. I should have clarified in April that I wanted her to do it for her reasons and not for me, instead of waiting a few weeks to do so. But I didn't. And I'm kicking myself. But there's a chance I wouldn't have felt good if she left him just for me. I would have felt awful for feeling like the cause of such turmoil. Not a good way to start a relationship. I would have felt like she would eventually resent me.

 

So I guess I'm kind of getting what I want now, even though it's hard. If anything happens with me and her, it's going to happen more naturally and for better reasons. If not, then it wasn't meant to be. I truly believe, mostly because of what she told me, that it would be a decision made because of her daughter. She told me 4 days ago that she doesn't think she would be happy with him moving forward. She said I would be her first phone call if they decide to end the marriage.

 

I would be lying if I said part of me wasn't still holding out hope that she and I could try to be together at some point. But I'm really going to work to get to the point in which I'll be ok if she chooses to stay in the marriage. I have many relationship issues that go back years, so I think IC will definitely help sort through that stuff.

 

Thanks for letting me share my story and for the great feedback. I'm glad this community exists.

Edited May 25, 2013 by Clemenza

[tinker683]

As angry as I am with my ex, I'm realizing that yes, she did truly love me and care about me, she just made me promises she probably fully intended on keeping at the time but couldn't in reality make it happen.

 

It sucks because there is this haunting feeling that I wasn't good enough, that if she REALLY loved me then she would have tried. But she didn't and instead she chose some other guy.

 

Whatever. Her problems are her own now.