Potential fiance - must remain a secret from my parents

[AMalek]

I was browsing the internet and cameacross an article that spoke to me in a way no other piece of ‘literature’ everhad before. For that reason, I will start with the same phrase

 

I lead two lives.

 

In one, I am a 22-year-oldprofessional, living alone in London, financially independent, and in acommitted relationship with Greg, a white English man. We’ve been togetherthree years and still going strong. We hope to maybe get married and havechildren one day. We don’t live together (both in England but different cities)but spend almost every weekend with one another. I imagine the rest of my lifepanning out with this man in this country – we earn well enough, him slightlymore than me, and are both beginning to save for a mortgage and a car.

 

In another, I’m a 22-year-old daughterof Muslim Moroccan parents, studied in England and began my career here but I’mdefinitely going back to Morocco one day (i.e. soon) to marry a Muslim,Moroccan man from a wealthy family with a house and a Mercedes.

 

Greg is a secret. Although we’ve beentogether for so long, my parents live in Morocco, which has made it so mucheasier, almost enabled me, to lead two separate lives. At the beginning, I hadthe naïve view that everything would be okay – the two worlds will eventuallymix, everyone will get on with everyone, everything will be fine. Now, havinggrown up a little, I know I’m facing eventual heartbreak.

 

 

I love my parents – they have been theideal parents. They’re both fairly open-minded, at least compared to themajority of other Muslim parents. We’ve had our ups and downs, our argumentsand fall outs, but they have always been there for me, always by my side. Mydad has always provided for us, and he’s given me everything I’ve ever wishedfor. It’s because of him (and his financial help) that I came to live and workin London (a dream I’d had since I was 11). He’s always made me feel like a princess– he’s always pushed me to do my absolute hardest, be the best at all that Ican be, but never put me down when I failed. He is my friend and my hero and hegives the best cuddles. My mother, while a little stricter than my dad, cannotbe faulted. She yells sometimes, she attempts to punish, she worries and shenags – but it’s because she’s so full of love and worry for me and my siblings.It’s evident in everything she does, from calling me at 8am from thousands ofmiles away to make sure I haven’t overslept, to spending painstaking hours inthe kitchen making my favourite food so she can send it to me halfway aroundthe world. She is emotional and sensitive, but has the biggest heart and aspure a soul as you can get. I love my parents.

 

So why, you ask, am I keeping thissecret from them?

 

My parents want me to marry someonewho is Moroccan, with substantial savings in the bank, from a stable familywith a rich father at the very least, lives close by them, is able to providefor me and most importantly, he has to be Muslim. Greg is white, agnostic (althoughhis dad is a devout Christian) Englishman, from a family riddled with debt, hemakes his own money but has no savings as of yet, he lives in England, his mumis a lesbian married to another woman, his dad is an unemployed universitystudent, and his sister is an alcoholic.

 

This all sounds so harsh. Please,please, before you begin to judge me, know that I do NOT care, in theslightest, about any of the above. I’ve painted it all in a much worse lightbecause that’s how my parents will perceive it. In reality, his family are the most wonderful group of people I’ve evermet. His dad, who’s worked all his life, wants nothing more than to be achaplain and so has decided to pursue his lifelong ambition and has started bystudying theology at university. His sister suffers from severe anxiety and sois unable to leave her home and therefore drinks more than one should – but hasinstead started an online business as well as is retaking her GCSE’s in thehope of becoming a vet one day. His mum… well, the fact is, she’s a lesbianmarried to another lesbian and there’s nothing we can do about that, but she’sa wonderful woman all the same.

 

The problem is my parents won’t seeany of the good sides. They’ll see it the way a cruel, biased outsider would.They live in a world of wealth and weddings – my mum, in particular, who hasalways been very influenced by her surroundings, has been watching herdaughters’ friends get married to very respectable young men in lavish weddingceremonies where hundreds of family and friends watch with envy, and prayingthat me and my sister would be next. While she will be over the moon the day Iapproach her to tell her I want to get married – it definitely can’t be withGreg.

 

The thing is, as much as I love myparents, I’m willing to disappoint all but one of their requirements –Moroccan, wealthy, stable and lives close by are all material and can be workedaround. He can take Arabic lessons and our children will grow up with two firstlanguages. We’ll live in London because that’s where I’ve always wanted to liveanyway. We’ll work hard and we’ll climb our prospective career ladders untilwe’re in a position to pay for a house and financially support children. I’llrefuse to be parted from Greg because he wasn’t born in a wealthier family(particularly bearing in mind that in my dad’s childhood home, he had a hole inthe ground for a toilet) or because his parents are divorced. Yes, these areall things that, my mum in particular, will fight me long and hard for – butthey are things worth fighting for, and I WILL fight them, until I win themover.

 

The one thing I can’t fight them aboutis religion. While I, personally, drink occasionally and engage with Greg inpre-marital affairs (if you know what I mean), I do still believe in Islam,even if I don’t practice it very well. Like most people, I agree with a lot ofit and disagree with bits of it. The bit, for example, that says a Muslim womancan only marry a Muslim man. I don’t understand it and never will. However, Iknow religion isn’t that simple – you can’t just live your life agreeing withthe bits you like and disagreeing with the bits you don’t. If only.

 

My parents, on the other hand, havelived by religion their whole lives. They brought us up to believe the word ofthe Quran is always the final word – and they have followed it always. Andtherefore, to them, the mere idea of me being with a non-Muslim man ishorrifying. They won’t allow it.

 

And I mean, they won’t allowit. Some of you may be thinking – just tell them, and if they disown you, thenso be it. They’ll come round eventually because they’re your parents and they’llalways love you. My problem isn’t worrying about them coming round eventually –my parents will never disown me, they will never let me go that easy. Shouldworse come to worst and I tell them and it all blows up and it comes to theultimatum ‘I’m with him either way’, they will do everything in their might tohold on to me. I know them. My dad will stop me leaving the country. He willtake away my passport and will physically stop me from seeing Greg. My parentswon’t let go of me. I know them so well, I know exactly how they’ll go about itand what they’ll be thinking… ‘she doesn’t realise it but it’s for the best. She’llthank us in the future’. And even though I’m one of those daughters who turnsup her nose at people when they ask her ‘why?’ and snottily says ‘because myparents said so’ – this is the one thing I will never be able to believe.

 

However, I’m jumping too far ahead. Mymain problem lies in the fact that I love both my lives equally – I cannot pickone over the other. The thought of life without Greg makes me break out insweats, mini panic attacks and bouts of manic sobbing. I have no doubt that,cheesy as it may sound, he is the love of my life. I never, ever want to leavehim. But the thought of hurting my parents, of disappointing them aftereverything they’ve done for me in my lifetime – all the financial, emotional,mental and physical support they’ve constantly given me – the thought ofbreaking their hearts devastates me. After everything they’ve done, all theywant is to see me safe, stable, happy and successful. While I firmly believeGreg can give me all of that, they definitely won’t understand, and howunselfish a daughter would I be if I couldn’t give them that simple thing backas a thank you? If I couldn’t allow my mum to stand proud at my wedding while Imarried the man of (her) dreams? If I couldn’t allow my dad the joy of seeingme with a swollen pregnant belly, coming home with the news that I’d just beenpromoted at work?

 

I realise that I am alreadydisappointing them – obviously, just because they’re not aware of it doesn’tmean it’s not happening. However, then again, them being aware of it is themain issue. I’ve been carrying this around with me for three years – lying whenthey ask, coming up with elaborate stories. My sister and my friends all know,and they’ve all been telling me for as long as I can remember that it’s no use,I should leave Greg now already. I get negative-ness everywhere I go with mysituation, so much of it that I want it to end. However, my problem is that Idon’t want it to end that bad – I will continue living with the guilt, the fearand the sadness if it means I get to keep both lives. Even if they are separate.

 

The ideal solution would be if Greg were to convert to Islam. Not necessarily have to practice it but to just do itto keep them happy. It might seem mean and heartless to “trick” my parents, butit’s the only way we can all be happy. I have never, and will never, ask him toconvert. It is far too big a decision for me to try and force him into, even ifhe’ll just be a Muslim ‘on paper’. Also, the one time we talked about it (itjust came up, as these things do) he made it extremely clear to me that hewould never, ever convert to any religion, not for anyone, not for any reason.He’s fiercely agnostic and thinks religion is BS. I did tell him, in as subtlea way as I could, that it would mean our relationship would have to endeventually, but I didn’t need to tell him. He already knew. We’ve both justbeen postponing the inevitable and we both know it. I love him and cannot bearto let him go. I tell myself I am far too attached to him already – what’s somemore time going to do? I’m alreadyridiculously in love with him that I can’t possibly fall in love with him evenmore, if that makes any sense. And who knows, maybe something will change.Maybe he’ll change his mind, or maybe my parents will. You never know, I tellmyself. I think he tells himself the same.

 

I’m stuck. I lead two lives that Ican’t continue living forever. I wish there was an easy way out, an easysolution. But it’s either breaking the hearts of the two people who I wouldn’teven be on this world without, or breaking my own heart along with the man’swho I hope to spend the rest of my life with. I’m a selfish person and I’m notsure I can make that decision, and I think I was rather hoping for someone to do it for me.

Edited May 24, 2013 by AMalek
Font edits kept coming up

[Emeral]

you need to view the world in the eyes of thomas paine and carl sagan first of all, and you will quickly see you gregs take on the validity of any religion, i am with him on this and i am sick of having restrictions imposed on us by imaginary characters, especially when they arent logical, like not marrying a guy cuz hes not a decent person (lies cheats etc) is one thing but for his religion or drinking just doent make any sense. once you start seeing the world the way greg sees it, youll also come to know that this is our only life, this is all what we have, so we better make the most of it.

the parent problem, dont take this as advice, only take it as suggestions: your parents want to wed you to a guy you dont know, you havent met and dont love, under what authority? islam doesnt allow this, if u do some research youll quickly find this out, hence you can always reject any matrimonial offer they present you with its your right. which means to them you will not be wed. the greg side, you can act that he embraced islam and what not but i doubt itll work, even if he did and he saw angels, and got a book from them to preach too, as you said the whole greg package to your parents wont be acceptable, because you arent marrying a person to them, youre unifying a whole family, yours with theirs, even if they dont see each other ever. so the way i see it and its pessimistic a bit. reject their husbands, after a while theyll agree to anything you offer. marry him in secret, things will be very complicated with kids and all, marry him against their will, forget about seeing your hometown for quite a while and be disowned for maybe three years or so....ild sarcastically suggest magic (i heardmagic is widespread in morocco) but then if you come back here and tell me it worked all my logically structured belief system will be shattered as i try to comprehend how it could be possible. you are in a very complicated mess, i do agree, but this is your life and really there is no after. im curious what others would say, though the length of your story is intimidating, try a briefer repost to get more contributions maybe? good luck

[aj22one]

White guy here, Christian married to a Pakistani Muslim woman haha.

 

Ya gotta do what your heart tells ya. I'm lucky in that my wife's family didn't mind her marrying outside the faith as it be. But I know some families do care.

 

Go with Greg, you don't have to give up your faith to marry him. My wife still observes Ramadan (and I fast with her) she still does what shes supposed to do. Your not rejecting your family your just goin the way that feels right.

[Emeral]

White guy here, Christian married to a Pakistani Muslim woman haha.

 

Ya gotta do what your heart tells ya. I'm lucky in that my wife's family didn't mind her marrying outside the faith as it be. But I know some families do care.

 

Go with Greg, you don't have to give up your faith to marry him. My wife still observes Ramadan (and I fast with her) she still does what shes supposed to do. Your not rejecting your family your just goin the way that feels right.

the problem is "they" will reject her, and islam doesnt allow an agnostic to marry a muslim, like its not frowned upon, its prohibited, so is actually your case, and that isnt describing extremist islam, thats the plain moderates lol so it depends how strict the family is with their religion, you are lucky that your in-laws arent even moderate, its more like a tradition theyre following, and i hope it stays that way.

SeekersGuidance - Advice to a Christian Man Who Wants to Marry a Muslim Woman - Answers