far_far_away Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 (edited) I broke NC bc it was killing me, this state of limbo, denial and just general craziness. It was probably a bad idea, but also helped remove some of my denial. He spoke about how rough its been for him but there were no hints made about what a huge mistake he has just made, letting me break it off. It was slightly patronizing how worried he was for me and he kept saying, "let me know if I can help" "call me if you need to". Like he is so fine and I am the messed up one. I told him I was removing him from fb its the best thing for me. An inconsiderately timed add of a girl completely pushed me over the edge last night. I feel like im 18 again. I literally have no one in this city now, not a single person to talk to about this except him. My family left, my best friend left - now my boyfriend is gone along with all my hopes and dreams for our future together. I will most likely move home now, meaning I lose my job, visa and London too. The thing that scares me most is how much I am drinking. The first night the wine did nothing, the second it made me sleep, the third it made things better and today I just want things to stop. I feel like I am completely losing control and there is no one to talk to. Edited May 24, 2013 by far_far_away
BustedUpInside Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Ok, the first thing that you should do is take a deep breath and calm down. There is no way that you can think of a rational solution to your problems if your thoughts are all jumbled. So, what you need to do is go through the issues one by one and try to solve what you can and try to live with what you can't. You should probably stop drinking for a little while, right? It really isn't helping you emotionally and you need to be as strong as you can right now so that you can figure out the best course of action to take. Why do you have to move home? If it is because of money, then maybe you could find a place where someone is looking for a roommate. Lots of friends meet that way. You don't really know each other at first, but you share a space and slowly build a friendship. Then you wouldn't feel so alone in the city and you wouldn't have to give anything up. It already sounds like you have done the best thing with the social media. I think that the advances in technology have taken break ups to a whole new level. I would imagine that No Contact was much easier when there weren't 10 different ways to check up on someone's every move. The last thing that I would advise you to do is remember that you are a strong person, but every human on earth has weak moments. You can't be calm and in control all the time. Sometimes you just have to be an emotional wreck. That way when you pick yourself up, you know how strong you can be. You can do this! You can make your own way in life. You may have wanted to do it with the ex, but trust me, doing it on your own can be great. You can be totally selfish and do everything for yourself. Crossing my fingers for you that everything works out!
Author far_far_away Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Thanks for your kind words. I don't have to move home UK ---> Australia. But if I accept the visa it is at least a year commitment to potentially living in a city which all your friends left. I think what is terrifying me the most is me. I hate me. I did when I was with him, I pretty much always have. And now without him it is just me, and I cant hide behind this great guy and great relationship. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I failed to achieve the things I thought I wanted. I have no pride or self confidence at all. He came bouncing into my life while recovering from cancer with all these great goals, positive energy and talk of a future and a family and totally swept me up. But now he is gone, and its just me. I am scared and I don't even know how to start to like me. I literally sat and watched the clock strike 5pm today so I could have a drink. My mum is an alcoholic and I know I am wading into dangerous territory but I just feel so displaced.
BustedUpInside Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Those sound like some serious issues. I don't know anybody that would be able to just get over self esteem issues like hating yourself. My advice would be to go to a counselor. I think that a professional will help you be able to sort through your emotions and try to work out a plan for the future. Give yourself some credit though. I bet if you made a list, you would see how much you have accomplished in your life. It sounds like you might have had some difficulties growing up, and so any achievements you have made have been despite this difficult childhood. This is worth noting, because not everybody can overcome these things.
Author far_far_away Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 I am looking into therapy, my referral should be processed next week. I have dealt with depression and anxiety in the past. I think that's one reason I am really upset. I feel like I am back at square one after all the hard work to pull myself out of my darkest days. My childhood wasn't great, but it wasn't the worst. My father left me and my mum. I hate that I feel like that impacts on my relationships but I think it does. Thank you for talking to me, I do appreciate it. 1
Recommended Posts