dark-couture Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 (edited) Hi all Ive been left by my boyfriend of 4 years and im devastated . Dont know what to do . We have been on and off and the last year has been rocky . Hes been meeting up with lots of women behind my back . Some even as young as 17 . We are both 29 . But he swore he never cheated . He moved in with me 6 months ago and we really tried to make it work and as far as i was aware we was very happy . He always said he was happy and i was the one and soulmate for him . Last week we went to to doctors for IVF as im challenged in that area . But then on saturday we was at home and he became very irritated and need some cannabis ( hes a smoker ) he went out in the afternoon but he didnt return until 5.30 am on sunday morning . He was so drunk and babbling about dancing with a girl at a party or to be more specific GRINDING then he past out . When he woke up later that morning and got up i realised he had love bite on his neck . I went totally mad and he denied anything and said its a bruise but he looked like he really wanted to tell me something but couldnt quite express it . He kept saying "nothing happened " I decided to believe him and carry on as normal . On monday he came home from work and started to pack all of his things . He said hes not in love with me but he cares for me and loves me just not " in love " and something is missing . He said he wants to see other women and he will never be happy with me and i can do better . We have broken up in the past but he always comes back and ive always got back with him . He hasnt contacted me at all hes just left and moved back to his mums 70 miles away . I try to call and he just cuts me off . I spoke to him once on the phone and he just broke me down . I just dont get it. We had so many plans and hes just cut me from his life . I love him so much and hes just gone . I cant eat or sleep . He blocked me on facebook and hes signed up to lots of dating sites and im just lost . He started saying that he cant handle my past as ive had 4 lovers previous to him which isnt alot . But he gets nasty saying if he knew what a slag i was he wouldnt of got with me . Im a good girl i dont sleep around and just wanted a life for us . Hes out drinking and getting high and going with girls so young but im just lost . Its like im scum . I dont understand how someone can fake a relationship for that long and then just up and leave me when on sunday i was the love of his life . Is it a guilty . All of his family wont even talk to me now . They have all cut me off in facebook . Hes on there adding loads of girls . I want to let go . All of my family and friends tell me i can do so much better but im not even interested in other men at all . I dont know how to get through this i cant stop crying Edited May 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
AMalek Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Oh dear. I am so sorry you're going through this. I don't want to insult him, because obviously I don't know him, but from what I see from your post your friends and family are right and you CAN do better. It sounds like something happened that night and he's been acting out of guilt since. Being cruel and pushing you away so you wouldn't leave him when you found out. It can't be easy trying to get him to talk to you when he blocks you off every way possible. This'll sound silly, but try writing him a letter. Just one long letter with everything you're feeling and what you want from him, ask him all the questions you want to know the answers to and be completely honest. A letter is so much harder to not read than a phone call is to not answer or an e-mail or facebook message is to not block/delete. See what the response is. If there's no response at all, I know it's easier said than done, but try your best to move on. Good luck.
youngnlove89 Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 He said hes not in love with me but he cares for me and loves me just not "in love" and something is missing. He said he wants to see other women and he will never be happy with me and i can do better. This is what you need to focus on. My ex said the EXACT same thing to me. It's been 3 weeks now. Like your ex, he always came back. (we did this for 2 years) BUT this time, it should be in OUR hands. We don't need them. How dare they say that to us! Block your ex. He is sleeping with other girls. Love yourself. Stand up for you because you are all you have. Let go and I promise you will move on. You just to put in the effort to get there.
stillafool Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I'm so sorry for your pain. There is nothing you can do if he has told you he is not in love with you and doesn't see a future with you. I think you are lucky because if he is turned on by 17 year old girls that isn't likely to change. 4 lovers isn't many and my guess is he just used that as an excuse to break up with you. This guy may have been using you for a place to stay as he is now back home with him mum. He doesn't sound very mature. Please stop chasing after him because he isn't worth it and it will make him pull away from you that much more. You just have to accept that he's gone and try to look to your future. You have to let him go now because he doesn't love you.
Emeral Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 as i read in previous threads, now you have yourself to take care of, its time for you to sit and think about your future and life without him, look for the things yo enjoy doing and go out and do them, be social the more you are busy interacting with other people the easier it is, you havent had many relationships so i can understand why you are that attached to him, but you are better than him and you deserve a happy life, and that cant be in his hand. it should be in yours and youre lucky you got it back. the more you socialize the higher the chances you'll meet someone that is worthy. crying will only make it worse.
Author dark-couture Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 Ive been trying but i just feel very lost . Every morning i wake up and hes not here . I feel sick and cannot stop crying it physically hurts me . I miss him so much but he doesnt even care hes out with other girls and i say girls because their not women . I cannot believe he can do that to me and im " not good enough " for him . Its unreal how much anger i feel . Im trying to do more for myself but i am so discouraged and i have no interest in anything . I truly truly loved him and wanted a solid progressive life for us. He was perfect for me in the beginning i believed he was my soulmate . I cannot bare seeing him with another woman i feel like i will go crazy so ive took myself off of facebook and anything linked to him . Everyone says " he will be back " but i dont even want hin back after what hes done to me but i dont want him with anyone else . Its crazy and i cant seem to get over him . Hes all i think about . I just want to forget . But i dont know how . Im not even attracted to other men the thought of dating again makes me very sick . I feel alone and the anger pent up inside isnt shifting the only outlet i have is to cry and scream into a pillow . Ive tried therapy but that doest help . I feel so rejected and my confidence levels and self esteem have hit rock bottom . I dont even eat . He critisized me so much for being curvy that i cant even eat a meal . I feel maybe if he sees me and ive lost weight and i look good he will know what hes lost out on ? My head is spinning with all different thoughts but then i think . Do i really want him back ? And i dont . Im totally lost 1
aisuru Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 I'm so sorry you're hurting. What an awful way to end things with you. Right now, just keep breathing, crying, and putting one step in front of the other. It'll take a few days for the initial shock to wear off. There are lots of great people here, and if you explore the boards, you'll read great posts with great advice and methods to care for yourself right now. At this time, you must put yourself first.
xo_dannie Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 That is truly heartbreaking... It's not easy right now but eventually it gets easier. It takes a lot of time. You may not have any interest in going out but force yourself to! At least once a week or something. If you coop up inside, you'll go crazy thinking about it. Keep yourself occupied, go out and meet new people! I feel like that helps a lot and I'm not talking about meeting up with people and hooking up but just making new friendships! It's always interesting and fun learning about someone else and you never know, chances are they could be someone that will make you better. If you want to change your figure, do it on your own terms not for his. And there is nothing wrong with being curvaceous! Take the steps to make yourself happier and guaranteed you'll attract more happiness in life, perhaps another man who will love you unconditionally. Stay positive!
Exitleft Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. I felt the same physical illness last night but today aside from being sleepy and a bit teary on and off it was a better day. Tomorrow you will have a better day and the day after also. First three days are the toughest, then it starts to make a little sense and you accept where you are. Just keep posting every time you feel lonely, have a nap also if you can. Heart break is exhausting. I hope you start feeling better soon.
Leigh 87 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 This is a completely heart breaking story. I would not know what the hell to do with myself if a guy did this to me.... I think he was very weak for staying with you when he KNEW that something was missing. It is so very wrong to stay with a person if you want to be with other people in the manner in which he did. It would be very very difficult for you to imagine that the whole relationship was fake. Look, let me tell you something that is TRUE and will make you see that it was NOT cos your not good enough or worthy of love. - my friend is a fashion model and has a respected college degree; she is also a fun girl. Guys line up to have a go with her, yet they continue to cheat and lie to her. One guy even asked her if she would partner swap and have threesomes with one of her good friends, because her good friend was skinnier than her:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: This women was everything the jerk wanted, yet he was not IN love with her, therefore something was missing and he sought out other women. The moral of the story is: to fall in love with someone, you only need mutual attraction and to be able to be around them without being repulsed. Your ex could call in love with a totally plain Jane, lesser attractive and lesser kind women then you - the thing is, people either have the capacity to love you, or they do not. Your ex did not have the raw ingredients and potential to fall in love with you, yet it was not because you were not good enough; he just cannot fall in love with you. Your ex jerk could fall IN love with a lesser attractive and less interesting girl than you, and in the same vein; he could NOT be able to fall deeply in love with a model like my friend. It all comes down to the ability a person has to love another person. It is not determined on looks or how great the person is. The capacity to love someone is either there or it is not there. Please - cut contact with this jerk. Block his number. If you can cut all traces of him, then you can move on and find a man who WILL fall in ,ove with you! ......................... It is all new now and your hurting. Many people on here, including myself, have had their hearts broken too by men who were not in love with us. Please join us in wanting to let go of the past, and instead focus on your future and becoming the best person you can be, so when you meet the right guy you will have self worth and self respect to enable a healthy relationship to occur. .......................... This situation would have really gotten you down, I totally understand that. It is never lovely to be left for those reasons.. Do you see that: - you deserve to find a man who IS in love with you - you deserve a nice man who would never string you along for years if he knew he was not in love with you - you deserve to find love with a man who treats you wonderfully - you deserve better than what your ex could offer you - you are not in a healthy mindset for a relationship yet, so can you see that you need to work on yourself, so you will demand respect from a man in the future? - can you see that you need to work on your fitness, health, carer or schooling, and maintaining connections with family and friends, in addition to exploring hobbies and interests? .............................................. Go no contact. Cut all traces of this guy. Then work on yourself so that your a totally happy women without a man in your life. Then you will be ready to meet the man who is right for you and will give you what you deserve.
Leigh 87 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 And do not believe a guy when he comes home with love bites on his neck, when he MENTIONS that he dirty dances with another girl. Please. For the love of God.
Author dark-couture Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 It is comforting to know im not the only one going through this . The problem is i dont have much friends or social life because he has been my everything for the past four years . Its sad it really is but i feel like ive lost half of me and the hardest thing is to not call him or text him or find out what hes up to . My sister is the best support and she said dont even think about him . Think about you because i guarantee he isnt thinking about you . He doesnt love you . And shes right but even to start hearing that i just cried . Its almost impossible to not think about him and the worst time for me is when i wake up because for a minute i totally forget whats happened . Then it all rushes into my head and im crying before ive even had breakfast . I am sleeping alot because i dont remember in my dreams sleep is a escape for me and i am so exhausted and have no energy that when its about 9pm om ready to sleep for hours . Listening to music or watching TV is painful . Because its all him . I wish i could just erase my mind and forget him . The worst part is i just dont trust anyone now . I just get hurt . The thought of him being happy with someone else makea me so angry and it hurts . But im am totally powerless a f thats how i feel is powerless . But yet when i was with him and he loved me i felt so powerful and protected and with his arms around me its like the rest of the world just faded away . I will never even see him again and that is a complete shock to my system to know i wont even kiss or hug him ever . He will will doing everything we done with someone else . It kills me i am so bitter and just hate men . Cant stand them . I just want to scream and let it all out . But i do scream and cry and hit things and i excercise and try to socialise but its nit going anywhere . I came home from my familys last night to a empty flat and i just broke down and cried as soon as i walked in the door and it hit me . He doesnt love me . He doesnt text or call or anything . I went to bed crying i woke up crying . Everything around me is him . I just want to run away
Leigh 87 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Wow. Your in a truly dark place. Listen to me. With time, and if you truly try your best to look after yourself and build up your self esteem; you will feel joy and happiness again. I have been in the position where a partner became everything to me. I lost track of friends, I over ate and let my body go, and I neglected my studies and goals. My family was overseas. It is easy to get too wrapped up if your in love. I know how it feels. A lot of people here have made that mistake; of letting your partner play too big a part in your life. For starters, you pick the wrong men. Not all men will make you feel worthless. I do not feel worthless and I have been left by men that did not love me, who I loved. Just because one guy does not love you, does not mean there are not men out there that won't. You just found the wrong man. It happens to most people! .......... You desperately need therapy, as do I mind you. I think you need help with your self esteem. Look, there are ways that you can feel GOOD again. There are things that you can do that will make you excited to be alive again. There are chances for you to feel better, if you listen to advice and work on building up your self esteem. ............ I am no super model or great example here, however; I know that I am enough for the right man. I know that a man out there will love and adore me and make me feel so loved. And he will mean it. I do not wake up in a dark place, and in fact, I wake up happy about life, because - I have started to work on my health and fitness - I am moving towards my dream career - I am working part time to save for overseas travel - I have made friends that I can listen to and share life with - I love life And guess what? I too, was left by a man who does not love me. Life CAN be wonderful if you try hard enough to be a positive and happy person. Please see a therapist and try to learn to become a more positive person that has a great life around her, so that her self worth is not tied into ONE man. .................. What helps me is being a positive person. I CANNOT stress this enough. It means that, even when guys I love do not want me, I am still very happy in life. I do not wake up with the same dread you do even though I am in the same position as you regarding the break up. Being positive in the face of adversity is key, and it is something that has helped me GREATELY. ................. I will say it again - I got a family member to move in with me. I feel WAY less alone. It is helped me a lot. - I have lost weight and look better than ever. This means I have more men that are attracted to me, and I feel in higher moods from the exercise. - I try to make new friends when possible and I be a good listener to the friends I have; while at first they let me cry to them and comforted me beautifully - I did not have friends in the past and I have had to work on myself to get in the space where I attracted positive and lovely people in my life Like attracts like. - Learn to like yourself! I LOVE my style and the way I wear clothes, because it INSTANTLY shows the world a part of who I am.
crazy1234 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 he said everything a girl never wants to hear from the love of her life..y would you call him when u know he's been sleeping with other women?how can u live with that feeling even if he was still to b with u??think about it..if only he wanted you,would he ever leave you feeling so miserable?and one more thing..there is no guilt here..he's been signing up in dating sites.as much as it hurts.its all going to be okay...Anyways dear i'm so sorry i can only imagine how bad u'r feeling but hang in there..u'll be fine..bt for that u need to stop stalking him,calling his family or friends..in other words absolute NC.Its going to be hard but we all went through this and still are so you'r not alone love.Hang in there..we'r here whenever you need us.please dont go back to him..please.
Leigh 87 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Also - this guy is a bad person. Your a good person with a heart. You would never string some poor guy along who you knew you were not in love with, while you banged other dudes! Your guy is not a good catch! I would hate to get involved with a man who had treated women that way. That is the main thing I will screen for from now on! I will wait until I can sense the dude is a genuinely NICE man before getting serious with him. .............................. Your lucky that your not the girl he fell in love with! The lucky girl who he falls in love with actually has a jerk who has nothing better to do than string girls along who he knows he does not love. The girl he falls in love with has ended up with a dude who thinks it is okay to cheat and string a girl who is in love with him along for the ride. The girl he does fall in love with has ended up with a guy who has NO balls or strength of character. ............................ Respectable men who are strong and have their lives in order, do not need to keep a girl around if they feel that something is missing with them! Quality men who are kind hearted and have a life do not need to bother seriously dating women who they are not crazy about. Your ex had nothing better to do than get into a relationship for the sake of it, for the comfort of it, and because he liked having you around. ............................. He is no prize. Men who treat women with honour and respect are worthy and to be lusted after. Your ex is no prize. That is certain. ........................... Now girl, YOU, on the other hand; you CAN work on your fitness, career, studies and friendships and you CAN be a great catch! You sound like a lovely person who loves and cares for people! You sound loyal! Your not ready to be in a relationship right now cos your self esteem is so low, however; if you work on making your life great without a man in it, you will one day come across a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
Author dark-couture Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 I want to thank you all for youe advice it is helping . I was hesitant to come on a forum and spill the beans but a family member suggested it and it has helped . But last night it took a turn for the worst . My ex accidentally sent me a text message thread that was between him and a MAN ..... hes been talking to men as a gay man and it was a conversation about sending explicit photos to one another . I dont think he knows he sent it to me as i havent retaliated . I feel totally numb now and discusted and now i realise that its not me theres isnt anything wrong with me . Yes i have to work on my issues and confidence issues but im going to take a year off of dating and work on myself . My fitness and spiritually becoming a stronger woman . I copied and pasted the email hes using to talk to these guys and he is signed up on pof as a gay man but with no picture . Saying wants c*"k . I am in total shock but in a way its been a eye opener to realise that the only reason he ever critisized me and put me down so much is because he cant handle himself . He is a very very dark person and he is very very troubled and i now realise i am lucky i never had a baby with him because it would of been a even worse future . So i sat here last night in bed and had my last cry and i thought why do u want this man ? Why do you love this man ? Hes a druggy . He drinks nearly everyday . Hes cheated. Been violent . Smashed my things . Put me down and took all my confidence . Hes sleeping around with teenage girls and now arranging to meet men online . I am totally and utterly disgusted i dont want him even within 10 ft of me now . But what i hate the most is he has made me so weak and to hate men that now i wont be able to move on for a long time in the sense of meeting men again and dating . Im nearly 30 and i have no idea where my life is heading . But in a way i feel quite excited about that .
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