I don't know who else to ask

[crosscuts]

I know that my story will upset some people, but I need to tell it.

 

A few years ago, I had an affair. It didn't last very long, and I felt so guilty that I confessed everything to my wife and begged for her forgiveness. We'd been going through some difficult times financially, and I was really mad about it. It seemed like we were fighting all the time, and I made the stupid mistake of talking to a woman at work about it.

 

We talked about the problems I was having, and she would always listen to me. I thought we were friends. One night, we both ad to work late. I called my wife and she blasted me about it. I I got angry and complained to my friend. I don't even remember exactly how it happened, but we ended up kissing and then things just sort of went on from there.

 

It all only lasted a few weeks. I'd sleep with her but the whole time I felt so guilty. I told her about that, and she just said that I deserved to do something for myself, and that my W didn't love me if she could treat me the way she did. I said she was right, but I know that what I was doing was wrong.

 

I finally couldn't do it anymore, and I told my OW that it was over. I told her I was sorry and that she needed to find someone better than me. I also asked her not to text or call me. It was hard seeing her at work, but we left each other alone.

 

I worked up the nerve to tell my wife. I will never forget the look in her eyes when I told her what had happened. I felt like such a bast@rd for doing that to her. She didn't cry or scream, she just got really quiet and told me to go, so I did. I called her the next day, and we agreed to meet and talk. That's when she cried and screamed at me. It was bad, but not as bad as the look in her eyes.

 

When we could finally talk, she told me that she didn't know what she wanted to do about us. She wanted to go to a marriage counselor before she made any decisions, so we did. Going helped a lot, and we decided to reconcile. It was a difficult road to travel, but we tsuck it out and things got better.

 

It's been a few years now, and things are so much better. the one thing that bothers me is that I feel so bad that any of this ever happened. Does he still think of me as a cheater? She asks me sometimes if I still think of the woman I cheated with. I tell her no, and that's the truth. i don't think of her, except with regret that I hurt my wife and her too. I never meant to do that.

 

Will my wife ever believe that? Will she ever trust me again? I've asked her if there's anything more I can do, and she always says no, but I am still worried. She's been really great about all of this, but I still feel guilt.

[NotCamelot]

What things are you doing/have you done to show her that she can trust you?

 

She probably says there's nothing more you can do out of fear of asking for more. Go overboard with transparency. Offer proof without being asked.

 

And make her feel very special. You do indeed owe her a lot for giving you the second chance. Make her feel like you deserve it.

[SmokeRat]

Welcome to LS.

 

I'm going to ask you to remember something for us Crosscut, and you'd best remember it well.

 

That look in your wife's eyes. That dead, broken, destroyed look. Remember it well.

 

Remember that you killed her, not literally of course, but somewhere inside your wife, there is a part you murdered.

 

Let this be your penance, let it be your burden and your cross.

 

I am happy that you worked up the 'courage' to speak to you wife about your disgusting behavior. Not many do, most just wait to be found out so they have time to work up a good back story.

 

But do us all a favour so you never do this again, remember those eyes.

[BetrayedH]

I'm afraid that the blind trust that your wife once had is probably gone for life. As you've come to learn, this has a much bigger impact on a betrayed spouse than you'd expect. I couldn't sleep for months and couldn't eat; I lost 38 pounds and 25 of them were in the first month. Three therapists suggested I had PTSD and I have no doubt it's true. Sadly, I think it changes us permanently.

 

That said, there are plenty of successfully reconciled couples out there and I think many areas of the marriage improve significantly post-infidelity because it is such a wake-up call for one or both spouses. As well, you really hit a home run by making a voluntary confession rather than being discovered. Statistically, you doubled your chances of reconciling. You appear to have the makings of a truly remorseful former wayward spouse and that is at least half of the equation (a truly forgiving betrayed spouse is the other part).

 

I have a few suggestions for you:

 

(1). Get two books: How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair by linda McDonald and, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. The first is a quick and easy read but will help ensure that you have had the right mindset about it all. The second is one of the best books out there on affair dynamics and is research-based.

 

(2). Read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know.

 

(3). While it has been a few years for you, keep doing all of the recommended strategies indefinitely. The recovery process can easily take 2-5 years with many betrayed spouses reporting that the second year is harder than the first. Many wayward spouses are "over it" much sooner than their BS and they begin to drop the extra efforts right when the BS is finally feeling safe (safe enough to start feeling, expressing, and processing anger). That's bad time to lower your efforts. From what I read, many BSs feel that they turned a corner around the third to fourth year, when the wayward has truly had a chance to show consistent actions over time. Stay diligent with things like transparency, willingness to discuss the affair without any defensiveness, proactive apologies, anticipating and responding to your wife's triggers. I guarantee that no one wants her to be "over it" more than she does. You don't get to punch her face and then complain about how long she bleeds on the carpet so, remain patient.

 

(4). Did you do individual counseling? This is critical, even moreso than marriage counseling. You need to determine "why" you chose to have an affair. One red flag I saw in your post was a reference to your financial struggles at the time and the disagreements you had with one another about it in those days. Those things did not make you cheat. Your wife was in the same marriage with the same problems and didn't cheat. Your choice wasn't a logical solution to anything. It certainly wasn't ethical. It was destructive. And you've made it clear that it violates your own standards. You had an obligation to either fix your marriage or leave it. So why did you instead choose such an illogical, unethical, and destructive path that violated your own standards? The answer has little or nothing to do with your wife or your marriage; it was somethig within you. Are you severely conflict-avoidant? Do you have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement? Do you have an excessive need for external validation? Why did you choose this as a coping mechanism? These things likely go back to your family of origin and childhood. You had better choices available to you so why did you choose this coping mechanism instead? If you can truly get tothe root of your personal "why," then you may be more likely to avoid the use of this illogical, unethical and destructive coping mechanism in the future. And if your wife sees this kind of introspection that doesn't shift the blame elsewhere, she can start to have some confidence that she won't suffer a repeat performance. Some couples sweep an affair under the rug with cheap forgiveness and you csn see why the relationship is never truly restored. You cannot go around an affair; you must go through it. If you don't do this introspection, what is she supposed to think will happen the next time you have financial difficulties or an arguments with her. She cannot live in fear of this forever. Own your decision to have an affair and dig deep into why it happened so you can both feel confident that it wouldn't ever happen again.

 

Anyway, enough rambling by me. I'd certainly appreciate hearing your thoughts and I hope you take on some of this homework.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 24, 2013 by BetrayedH

[crosscuts]

I will never, ever forget that look. It was like I killed something inside of her. All I wanted to do was hold her and take her pain away, but i couldn't. I was the one person who should have been there for her when she hurt so much and I couldn't help her. In that one moment, I knew just how much I loved her. If she had left for good, it would have ruined me, but it would have been my own fault.

 

It's been a few years now, and from what I can tell, she trusts me. We share all our passwords, and I don't keep my feelings from her anymore. We try and talk about everything, even the really hard things. It's not always easy, but we do it anyway.

 

I do try and treat my wife really well now. I try and do something nice for her each day, and she always appreciates it, even if it's just something small. I like doing these things for her.

 

When I think back to when I was in my affair, I sometimes feel like I must have been crazy. I don't even know what I was thinking to have risked my marriage like that. I was a complete idiot.

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to say this, but part of this problem is your wife's and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

I'm not going to go into the do's and do not's of having affairs, reconciling, regaining trust, and staying together.

Others have done that.

 

But what I will say is that this is not a rebuilt marriage.

Your marriage - such as it was - ended the day you confessed to the affair.

 

Your 'New' relationship began when you decided to stay together.

 

But I think you are convinced that part of her will not - for whatever reason - let go.

 

Now, if this is so, whether she is justified or not, would surely be up for heated debate: But one thing is clear.

If you're right, then the only one who can let go - is her.

 

I'm feeling that this is perhaps why you bear the burden of guilt so badly.

Because you feel she hasn't completely let go of what you did.

 

What you want most - is to erase the 'bad feeling' you have, by being absolutely certain that she holds nothing in.

 

I think maybe you could do with further counselling.

Start with IC, then maybe, as appropriate, suggest MC with her again....

[crosscuts]

You make a good point. She tells me that she has let it go, but I don't see how she could have. i don't think I could have. I'll talk to her about this, and suggest getting some more counseling.

 

I would really love to be able to do something wonderful for her, like take her on a dream vacation. I told her that, and she smiled and said that being married and happy is the best thing we can give each other, and we already have that, so what more could she want. She doesn't know that I bought her a new anniversary ring for this year. It's not diamonds, but opals, which she likes much better. It's to signify the rest of our lives together.

 

I am a lucky man, and I tell her that. She tells me she is a lucky woman. When I look in her eyes, I don't see a trace of that look anymore.

 

I feel so much better after writing this. It helps sort things out when I write them down.

[crosscuts]

I hope you will keep up and just give her time. Just keeping communications open with her. If you are upset about something don't feel that because of what you did you should just keep it inside. That is how these things start a lot of the time.

 

My H said the same thing, when he saw the look in my eyes it ripped his heart out and he will never be able to forget that. When he saw the looks on the face of his kids how ashamed he felt.

 

I think it is great that you realized your mistake and are trying to make it right again.

I am rooting for you two to make it

 

I let my kids down too. How could I have done that to them?

[underwater2010]

How often do you guys talk about the affair? Do you begin the conversation or does she?

[Athens]

I am sorry, this may sound harsh, but you will always be a cheater in her eyes. You will always be the one that crushed her and made her see the world in a different light. The thing is-are both of you willing to deal with that because you love each other. I hope the answer is yes. I have thought, it would be nice to be in an untainted relationship, to move on and find someone that did not crush me-but then I know, my husband is the only one I love so any relationship I had would be tainted because I love him and only him. Its a crappy hand to be dealt, made worse by it being dealt by the one you trusted the most, but its our reality now and you figure out how to deal with it-my marriage is worth it and I hope yours is as well.

[ComingInHot]

crosscuts, gotta question for you. How have you and are you "pursuing" and "wooing" Your W?!

 

This was one of the hurdles I had w/my husband after he had an A. After I allowed him to come back and attempt R, I spent waaaaay too long going over the evidence that had been provided me of how he pursued, chased, put his efforts into overdrive to "get" exOW into bed. That KILLED me Every Single Time H FAILED to do those things during our M Pre, during & Post A.

When I finally told time point blank to "go big or go home", he was floored. He seriously didn't get that he absolutely HAD to do TEN TIMES the work to keep me and repair our M which meant making sure I Felt waaaaay more important to him than exOW.

All the while, H was thinking, "she's my W, I already "have" her now we just have an issue to fix and her to forgive".

 

You need to make sure that the way you treat her lets her KNOW she is waaaay more special than exOW*

[whichwayisup]

You want to gain your wife's trust again? Tell her you'll start looking for another job. As long as you still work with this woman (whom IS against your marriage and totally took advantage, helped herself to you..Instead of being a true friend, she put down your wife - Your words It all only lasted a few weeks. I'd sleep with her but the whole time I felt so guilty. I told her about that, and she just said that I deserved to do something for myself, and that my W didn't love me if she could treat me the way she did. I said she was right, but I know that what I was doing was wrong.

You allowed her to put down your wife and you actually agreed with her!)

 

Your wife will have much more trouble forgiving and trusting you again as long as you still work with OW. Sure you two may not speak to one another but I'm sure there are 'looks' and 'glances' eye contact and maybe you still feel something for this OW as well.

 

Do not discuss personal issues related to your marriage and wife TO any woman that is not a relative to you. Not all, but some women are capable of taking advantage and using the situation to get closer to the guy,,aka what happened to you.

 

Do counseling, with your wife and on your own. Prove to her on all levels that you are genuinally remorseful and will do anything she requires you to do so she can trust you again.