Does this pain ever end?? I just can't see a way out

[ruby77]

Hi all,

Im new here and hoping someone can tell me everything is going to be ok as I really think I'm losing the plot.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago, it was my decision, we weren't right for each other but it was by no means an easy decision and has been harder than I ever imagined. I have cried and cried, barely eating, had time off work and have slipped in and out of depression. I have this anxiety all the time, I haven't slept properly since before we broke up and I am so tired.

 

Everyone says it will get better, give it time but I feel like I should be moving on by now. I felt better at the beginning of the week but now I'm slipping back again. The weekend is coming and I have plans with friends to keep me busy but I dont want to do any of it. I want to crawl into bed and cry and just stay there. I have been trying to get on with things but the pain is just there all the time, I feel intense loneliness and an emptiness that is scary, even when I'm surrounded by people.

 

I feel like life as I knew it has gone, the safety and comfort I had is gone and I wonder why I even did it, I've caused myself this much pain and I just want it to stop.

 

We were together for 3 and a half years, we were saving to buy a house together, I'm 28. I haven't heard from him or contacted him since 2 days after we broke up.

 

When will this end? Will I ever feel right again? Why does this hurt so much??

 

Help!!!

[TaraMaiden]

You've hit 'the wall'.

 

It happens at around this time (6 - 8 weeks).

 

Your love is like a drug addiction, and going No Contact is like Cold Turkey.

It's crippling, soul-destroying, painful, agonising, debilitating and you just want it to stop, please just stop, just stop...it hurts so much.

It doubles you over, you feel as if screaming at the top of your lungs will help (it doesn't) and you just want to roll up into a ball and emerge 'cleansed'.

 

It's a real bitch, isn't it?

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this - but look: The operative word, is 'through'.

 

There's no way round this.

This is something you have to weather and endure, but it DOES ease, I promise you.

 

Hang in there.

So many people here are on your wavelength and they understand.

I'm sure many others will respond.

 

Keep your teeth gritted, and shoulder to the boulder, honey.

 

It may not feel like it right now, but it IS moving.

[ruby77]

Thank you for replying. There's some comfort in the fact that you've said it is normal to feel like this at the 6-8 week point. I'm scared that I'm going backwards, that I should be moving on by now.

 

It is just so hard, I want it to stop but I feel that it never will. Its got to the point where I feel friends and family are sick of hearing about it but i feel worse than ever and need them more than ever.

 

Jesus, who knew it would be this hard??? When will it end?

[Empty Heart]

Hello there Ruby,

 

I don't post on here very often, just lurk and absorb other posts. I felt I had to reply to you though because I am two months post BU and still feel horrid. Having said that, although I still feel anxiety rising, lack of enthusiasm for anything, a sadness that sticks through the day, lack of appetite, lack of life appreciation, I do feel slightly better than I did last week and certainly much better than the week before that. In the beginning I was vomiting, sweating, panicking, unable to focus, unable to speak without snapping at people. I do that sometimes now but not SO much. I miss my ex terribly (I am the dumpee) and would do anything to reconcile (given that we were both prepared to put 100% effort into it, of course) but I am beginning to see the light (I think). I do go up and down with my feelings of course but just the other day it was nice and warm here so I trundled off to Ikea to buy myself a bistro set for the patio so I can eat al fresco. I did eat outside that night, with a candle lit in my new pretty lantern....a nice healthy dinner with a glass of wine and sat and chatted with my son until it got too dark. It was lovely. I thought to myself that I could not have done that even last week and certainly not the weeks previous to that. To actually be able to eat a proper dinner is a novelty but I can.

 

I know there will be things that will spike my feelings (him moving house, him just moving on anyway) but I am trying to take a day at a time. I treat myself to nice things now (today I'm having the bags under my eyes treated at a day spa!) and get a manicure/pedicure, little treats for me....they all make you feel better, maybe only momentarily but nevertheless, they help. I am nowhere near done with grieving....I live with hope that my ex may feel we have a second chance some time...but I also have to remember that only I can make ME feel better and eating, drinking (water !) and trying to stay busy is my main focus right now. I have to stay healthy, I have a son who needs me and if I go down the pan, he has nobody. I find the mornings to be the hardest and most of my anxiety is felt then. Even now I could easily be sick in the a.m. but as the day goes on, I feel a wee bit better and look forward to seeing my son after school. I'm very new to my area and have no friends or family for support so that makes it hard, at least you have a friend network to help. Use them (in the nicest possible way) because they will help you heal.

 

I am not going to lie, I still feel depressed, anxious and out of sorts but I know it will pass in time because what's the alternative? Let it linger on and on and on.....I really wouldn't like to do that to myself.

 

I love the man who left me, I thought we were great together....so did everybody else...but his feelings are all that matter and if he's fallen out of love, there's nothing I can do about it. I had a marriage breakup some years ago...for one year I felt awful but eventually I crawled out of the dark hole and saw a light and the light got brighter and brighter. I did recover and then I met my now ex....we had ten wonderful years together and now that's gone too. I am grieving. I am sad. I will get over it in time though.

 

Be kind to yourself...above all be that.

 

I am sorry to waffle on but I posted a similar note to you a while back and just felt compelled to tell you that in time the pain eases. Slightly...but it does ease.

 

Take best care and hang in there.

Edited May 24, 2013 by Empty Heart

[BustedUpInside]

I don't know about you, Ruby, but the thing that has really helped me recover is to know that everything I am feeling is not weird or pathetic. Rather it is totally normal. If you look at a lot of the other posts on this site you will see that almost everyone describes having nearly the same emotions.

 

It is because you really are dealing with two things at once and that makes it especially hard. You are dealing with the loss of a relationship and so you have to learn how to live without the other person and at the same time, you have to learn how to be open to a new person. Give yourself some credit for the progress you have already made. I bet you never thought there would even be one good day a month ago. And now you describe feeling good for almost a week before the bad feelings came back. I would be willing to further bet that in another couple of months you will be having fewer and fewer bad days and then a little further down the road, there won't be any at all.

 

Just take things at your own pace, and remember that no matter how slowly or quickly you heal, that's normal and ok and there are always people willing to talk and help.

[ruby77]

Is it really normal to go up and down like this? I know I should feel positive that I have had some time feeling ok but I feel like I've taken 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

 

I feel worse than I've felt for weeks. How long can I go on like this? Physically and mentally? I feel like I'm cracking up.

[aisuru]

Yes it's normal.

 

What are you doing in the way of self care and distractions and activity level?

[ruby77]

Well I'm working Monday to Friday. I see friends when I can but they all have their own lives and long term boyfriends / husbands.

 

The way I feel at the moment, I'm struggling to function to be honest, exercise is out of the question as I just feel too weak and I dont feel up to socialising.

 

There are worse things going on in the world, people with real problems. I feel I should be able to deal with this better.

[aisuru]

Work and friends is not self care. Here is my go to list that I've posted for several other members here:

 

Here is my go to list when I'm going through a difficult time. In addition to the list, you may want to consider therapy. It works wonders for me and keeps me honest with myself.

 

1. Must shower and get ready for the day within 2 hours of waking up so you are not tempted to lay on the couch all day vegging out to TV. Sitting around doing nothing allows you too much time in your head. Necessary sometimes, but don't fall into that trap.

 

2. Go to the gym. It's just a fact that you will feel better after exercise and it's good for you. It doesn't hurt your self confidence that you might even shave off a few pounds or tone up a bit.

 

3. Write down your thoughts and feelings. In a journal, on a blog, anywhere. Sometimes I just need to get the rambling thoughts out of my head so I can better manage my feelings. Be honest in your writings.

 

4. Take a walk or sit outside for a half hour to hour. The daylight will do you good.

 

5. Renew your interest in a past hobby or go out and learn something new. I used to quilt and scrapbook in my 20s but allowed my career, relationships, and life to let them fall by the wayside in my 30s. I'm getting back into quilting and I signed up for a photography class, something I have always wanted to do.

 

6. Go to the local farmer's market and wander around.

 

7. Get out and volunteer. I do this anyway and it really helps put your own issues into perspective while empowering you through helping others.

 

8. Write down 5 long term life goals and 5 short term life goals. Think about how you're going to get there and map it out. Now is a good time to straighten out your finance goals as well.

 

9. Stay away from alcohol, nicotine, or other toxic substances. Right now you need to take care of yourself by eating healthy and taking vitamins. Drink lots of water!

 

10. Write a list of what you want in a relationship. Write a list of what traits you could improve in yourself for the next relationship. Write a list of things about yourself in the last relationship that you didn't like and would like to do differently. Write a list of what you want in your next partner. Keep these lists short. They will be eye opening and help you to focus on how to be a better partner and contribute to a better relationship.

 

11. Have a couple trusted friends who you can call or who can come over and listen to you cry any time day or night. Rotate these friends as you don't want to burn them out from listening to you obsess about the guy. Maybe gift them with a massage or mani/pedi to thank them for their support.

 

12. Write an action plan of these or other things you will do to get on with your life and focus on your. Paste a copy of this action plan on your bathroom mirror so you see it daily. Read it daily.

 

You have to fill that void in yourself that thoughts of your ex are occupying. Discover who you are and what you love to do. Not only will you feel better, it will make you more attractive to somebody else in the future.

 

Be easy on yourself. Time really does help to heal a broken heart. But take advantage of this low point to learn about yourself, learn how to love yourself, and learn how you want to live your life.

[ruby77]

Thank you, some really good ideas there. I will try and work my way through them. I especially like the idea of volunteering, I need something to fill my Sundays as they seem to be my worse days.

 

I have been thinking about therapy too, it's got to the point where I think I need it.

[ruby77]

Also, what do I do when I have absolutely no motivation to do any of that stuff? I know I should do it but it feels like the biggest task ever.

 

I just want to stay under my duvet and hide from the world.

[TaraMaiden]

That's the point you should exert yourself the most.

You need to make the strenuous effort to put one foot in front of the other, and shove the shoulder to the boulder.

 

Because hiding under your duvet may cut the world off, but it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

 

But even getting up and having a long, hot shower, is an achievement....

[Leigh 87]

Hey there, we are all here to help and support you.

 

We have also lost guys who we were VERY much in love with; myself included.

 

Look, the only way you should go from here is forward.

 

You cannot go forward if you maintain any contact with an ex.

 

If they ever truly loved you enough for them to want to have another serious relationship with you again they will make it known.

 

They will probably NOT come to the realisation that they are madly in love with us though, so it is better for us to move FORWARD.

 

............................

 

 

If you honestly cut all contact with your ex and treat it like your moving on with NO HOPE of getting back together with them - IT HELPS IMMENSELY.

 

Seriously. I can attest to this - it helps to move on, cold turkey! ALL contact cut, with NO hope of a second chance.

 

Only then can you actually BEGIN the healing process.

 

A lot of people I have observed, do not truly start to heal, because they hold hopes for a second chance. They hold onto feelings for their ex in doing this.

 

I leant to live without my ex initially, but I only recently let go of all hope with him. I realised I want to move forward and meet another person I love just as much, rather than wait around for another chance with my ex.

 

........................................

 

You MUST accept that people on here have more experience than you do, and that we have MADE the same mistakes you have.

 

People on here who have made your mistakes, have ALL learnt that NC is the only way to get over your ex and heal.

 

I hope I have learnt this in time; it took me almost 3 weeks post break up to realise NC was the only way forward.

 

I sure as HELL do not want to be hung up over my ex MONTHS down the track:sick::sick::sick:

 

.............................................

 

Why don't you learn to be super happy with your own life?

 

Your healthy? Have a job or are studying towards a goal? You have friends? You have family?

 

I personally love my life and where it is heading, so I am still super happy with things BESIDES having my ex with me.

 

If you learn to build your life up, you CAN learn to love your life even WITHOUT your ex having to be in it.

[ruby77]

That's the point you should exert yourself the most.

You need to make the strenuous effort to put one foot in front of the other, and shove the shoulder to the boulder.

 

Because hiding under your duvet may cut the world off, but it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

 

But even getting up and having a long, hot shower, is an achievement....

 

I will try but its so hard. How long will this last for?? I want to feel normal again.

 

I wish I'd never met him, then I wouldn't be going through this.

[TaraMaiden]

But you did.

And some of it was happy, constructive and nourishing.

 

You will begin to gradually feel normal when you focus on being normal and doing normal things.

While you choose to remain stuck - you will stay stuck.

 

It's a question of changing your mindset.

Quit snowballing, use the rubber band trick and stop something in your head from taking your life over.

 

because that's what you're doing.

Letting your imagination rule your life.

 

Everything you are obsessing over, is completely imaginary.

It's not real.

 

It WAS.

It ISN'T any longer.

The only place it lives, is in your head.

 

So you are letting your imagination, control your progress.

 

Why would you let something so ephemeral and intangible - do that to you?

[Asda]

After 3 years relationships it took me 2 years to get back on my feet, and still recovering, but I came out of very bad circumstances, the worst that probably can be. It is true, it will be OK, you will get yourself back after some time, how long it will take? Nobody knows, we all are different.SO just be strong, occupy yourself, and understand that life is moving on. No matter what happened between 2 of you, will be OK. You know now that it hurts after you shared your heart with someone.

[ddlovexx]

I know it's really hard. When me and my first love broke up, I was like you are for at least a month. Couldn't get out of bed, eat, sleep, etc. But I think there came a point where I forced myself. Even when I didn't want to go out, I did. And before I knew it I met a bunch of cool people, whether they were friends or guys or whatever. Every guy I met (even if I didn't want to give him a second of my time) made me realize that there are guys out there who are great. Stuff like that helped little by little and one day I found myself forgetting about everything and wanting to be happy.

 

This time around I'm hurting less because he was a complete douche, but it is hard. But I do promise you that it will pass and it will get easier but you have to TRY and you can't give in to staying in bed anymore. Throw yourself one more pity party- cry, eat icecream, watch sad movies... and then let it go. Tomorrow wake up and realize it's a new day and the entire world is yours now. When I think about the freedom I have now, the millions of people in the world... why would I let ONE bring me down?

 

Get out there and enjoy life, it gets better! xo

Edited May 26, 2013 by ddlovexx