lollipops Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 We broke up about a year and a half ago. It sucked. He started seeing someone very quickly after our breakup and they were together 8 months or so when they started having problems. Around September I started genuinely feeling better and then of course he contacted me again. This time I thought what the hell. Maybe it won't be so bad. Hating him hadn't done me a lot of good. I noticed that he wasn't friends with his gf on FB anymore so it wasn't hard to put together that they were broken up. That made me feel smug and happy for childish reasons and I agreed to meet him. In regards to the ex of his he really downplayed their relationship. He said she was the perfect example of how he could just "love anybody". He said she was emotionally vapid and imperceptive and he got tired of it. He said she was boring. I listened to these things, feeling happy that they wern't so serious, but something still bothered me about it. I was afraid I was being used. We spent the next few months being "friends". Friends that slept together, flirted with each other, hung out all the time, all that stuff that actual friends don't do. But one night I told him I never wanted to date him or be his girlfriend again and that seemed to make him sad. I told him I knew we were being stupid by sleeping together but that I wanted him to tell me about girls in his life because I genuinely wanted to be friends with him. This convo came about because if I ever mentioned a guy or a date I went on, he got jealous and said he didn't want to hear it or stopped talking to me. (But he never hesitated to tell me about his flings and girls he found attractive, dates he went on, etc) This bothered me. He continued to lay it on thick everytime we hung out. He was jealous, possessive, moody if I didn't do what he wanted me to do. He was always talking about how his "friends" thought we should get back together. How he talked about me all the time to his friends, etc etc etc. And then one day I figured out that he was also seeing his recent-ex girlfriend. (He didn't tell me this, I figured it out) See the thing is, if he'd told me he was thinking about seeing her again, I honestly feel I would still have been hurt by it, probably backed off, but wouldn't have just felt used, and could have probably gotten over it and eventually been friends with him. But he didn't. I had to figure it out. I was angry that he lied to his Recent Ex about our "just friends" status even though on paper that's all it was, if you want to ignore real emotions and the fact that we were sleeping together, I suppose. All the while telling me he loved me, being jealous, not letting me talk about MY life. I felt so revolted by him and ashamed of myself for letting him do that to me. On the one hand I felt like how could I be mad? I certainly didn't want to be his girlfriend again...but it felt so good feeling like my heartbreak wasn't so in vain...that he loved me. And I realized that I still loved him, even though I didn't want to. But on the other here he was telling me that he was in love with me. But also in love with her. And wanted us both in his life! And he said things like: how I was the most unique person he'd ever known. And I was the ONLY person who ever really understood him. And he said that she WASN'T unique. And I told him...that's a really messed up thing to say about someone you supposedly love. I was so angry at him. Angry he kept that secret while testing the waters with me. Angry that apparently I was supposed to hang out with him now with his girlfriend and not be hurt by it or feel weird, even though I couldn't even TALK about my life with him. And I was angry for his ex-girlfriend too because I felt she didn't deserve that. And the selfish part of me was angry because I shouldn't have to be the only one who had to know this stuff. So I told her. I sent her a very matter of fact email about him claiming to be in love with both of us. She wrote back that she was only pursuing friendship with him and didn't mean to get in the way of me and him. That annoyed me but I didn't bother to correct her and just let it go. They got back together, obviously. So here we are going on 6 months later. He emailed me about something stupid back January. Curious, I looked at his Facebook and saw that a few hours before he'd changed his facebook picture to the two of them looking so very in love. I suppose the timing of his nothing-email could have been coincidence but I doubt it. Back in March my ex figured out that I was moving away (he e-stalks my friends sometimes). He sent me an email that on the surface looked very heartwarming and sincere. He was very sorry for "hurting" me in November and wished it had never happened. And that he felt very invested in my life even though we wern't talking and that he thought about it all the time. And that he'd love to see me. And that whatever happens I was special to him and special in general and bla bla bull****. I responded even though I wish now I hadn't. I just said to him...do you ever get tired of making everyone you know feel like they are the most special only to have them eventually resent you when your charade falls apart? He didn't answer me and hasn't said anything to me since. But they're still together and they look so happy (on Facebook). It's only recently that I started feeling obsessed with him because for months I didn't look at any of his online activity. But I see him friends with her whole family now. She's friends with all of his friends. And they're tagged together doing stuff in the city. And I just think...how can their relationship possibly be so damn good? I don't want HIM. And I know that it probably has to do with me missing something in my life and missing the validation I used to get from someone who was my attachment figure for a long time. I just...I thought I'd be indifferent by now but instead I'm fixated on his happiness instead of my own. I am sorry this turned into a book. Anyone who gets through it, thank you.
denxnis Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 You're always going to be resentful towards him as long as you keep tabs on him. You're goal should be to feel nothing towards him, not hate not care, nothing. Even if nobody but you knew that you were checking up on him deep down inside your happiness is still effected by his actions, this should not be. He is not in your life and you shouldn't allow his actions to dictate how you feel or what you do. Grow, become better than you were 1 year ago, physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. Then when you look back 6 months from now, or a year from now you can tell yourself you are in a better state of life. I don't stalk my ex, I ignore my ex. Since we broke up in October I've graduated, gotten better looking, read a few books, started a new job, went on a few dates, and now I'm looking for a home to buy and going to Hawaii with a buddy of mine. I AM A MUCH BETTER PERSON BECAUSE MY EX AND I BROKE UP. Damn it feels good to say that. And one final note, why stalk his/her Facebook? People only post the good things on there so you are ultimately only seeing the positive side of their relationship; which I'm assuming only makes you feel even more used - don't do that to yourself. You are a special and smart (I'm assuming because of your punctuation/writing) girl and deserve someone better who has a little thing called respect.
Kay_29 Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Why dont you want him to be happy? its time for forgivness so you can move on....... There has to be one time in your life where you hurt someone even if you didnt mean too. Hurt ppl HURT ppl... Your not in control of anyones happiness nor should you be worried about them... Forgive cleanse your heart and move on ... Sound rude but im gonna keep it real ... "get a life!!!" (said in the nicest way possible:)....) Keep yourself busy and get involved in something you enjoy doing so you wont have to worry about anyone but yourself...
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