Vinegar Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Hi Everyone, I am female. I have been dating A LOT for three years and I can't seem to find a good fit. I feel like I am looking for chemistry. Sometimes I have good conversations and I will go out with the guy 3 or 4 times but I never "fall" for the guys I go out with. I leave the date thinking I just wasted 2 hours of my night. I even force myself to to go on more dates because I think there is something wrong with me because don't like the guy. But at least half the time I see a red flag (jerk, baggage, etc.) and then other times I just don't feel anything, especially attraction. I am REALLY attracted to guys who do the same thing I do for a living but I am trying to avoid that because I assume it doesn't create deeper feelings. Yesterday my friend told me I am too picky. Maybe I should just pick someone and settle. I have had long-term relationships so I am not incapable. My question is... How many dates does it take to know if I like the person?
USMCHokie Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 How many dates does it take to know if I like the person? Zero. From what I've read above, you seem to need that fire in the loins feeling that you get from intense physical attraction, which you can assess before even going out with the guy. All that other stuff is blah blah blah rationalization for why you don't find someone physically attractive. Your best bet would be to ask yourself before the date, do you want to f*ck this guy. If yes, go on the date and learn more about his personality. If no, then move on. What do you do for a living? 1
daletom Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 How many dates does it take to know if I like the person? Zero. I'll agree with that - and not trying to be a wise guy giving sarcastic answers. I think my wife and I were quite attracted to each other before we even laid eyes on each other. But then, we had been writing to each other - real letters, on real paper, progressively more personal and serious - for over three months before we met. Looking back, that was probably a good way for two somewhat quiet-and-shy people to become acquainted on a rather personal level. So maybe the answer is more like "a few months". I haven't quite figured out what "chemistry" is but it may be more apparent if you are interacting with somebody in ways other than traditional "dating", which is somewhat artificial. That would include things like school study groups, volunteer organizations, professional societies, hobby clubs, church groups, coed athletics, etc. I'm curious about your comments regarding potential partners with similar professions. Cultural wisdom says that these relationships are less likely to succeed, but history is littered with exceptions (Bill and Hillary Clinton, Bob and Elizabeth Dole, Pierre and Marie Curie, etc). It HAS been observed that people are romantically attracted to others of similar intelligence so if you work in a high-intelligence or high-education profession (medicine, law, engineering, science, etc) it could be that you are actually looking for somebody of comparable intellect. Whatever you do - DON'T SETTLE!
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 OP, I am exactly the same. I need that lust to fall for someone and it doesn't happen every day or every year for me. I just stay single but yes, it's very depressing
Author Vinegar Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 thank you to everyone so far. I think I agree with all of you. When my friend and I were talking (this is when he told me I am too picky) he thinks physical attraction is just a fantasy. compatibility what makes it work. I was so excited to go on a date with a guy I had spoken to on the phone a few times. I didn't think he was good-looking when I first met him but we have similar interests. He is very kind, we can talk, and he's looking for a relationship.when I went out with him I felt his looks would be a problem for me emotionally. I don't find him attractive and his laugh gives me the chills. these estetic parts are a problem In what could be otherwise potential partner.
ChessPieceFace Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I haven't been on "a lot of dates" like you, but I can still think back to all the girls I've liked in my life, and I can safely say that I'm very glad I'm not with any of them. I value freedom a lot... maybe you do too? Perhaps some people, by our nature, value freedom too much / have too little tolerance for imperfection / just don't have all that much drive to constantly be with someone, so we stay single. OTOH, I'm not really a happy person and every day I think about death and the futility of existence, so maybe my "rational" life advice isn't very good. Maybe the people who settle are making a better choice. Who knows.
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