"Don't they care about me? Didn't I matter?" (Article)

[Jono85]

Don?t They Care About Me? Didn?t I Mean Something To Them? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

^^^ -one of the best things i've read about the subject or really anything BU related, so i wanted to share it.

 

 

This concept, has been one of the toughest, if not thee toughest, throughout the aftermath of my breakup. We've been strict NC for 9 months aside from me breaking it after about 3 months, and she hasn't initiated contact with me once. No breadcrumbs, nothing. I feel like I never mattered, like she never really cared, like she got past it so quickly and easily, but I know it's not logical. Let me give you a quick anecdote that further backs this up....

 

Storytime:

 

So we broke up last June (yes i'm still not fully recovered, sue me!). After our breakup, she got an opportunity last minute to travel to Europe for a month with her friend and so obviously took it. Anyway, during her trip in July, I decided enough was enough and told her "not to bother me anymore" (childish, but I just couldn't deal with the growing reality that we were actually done this time for real - we'd broken up a few times before...obviously we were meant to be ).

 

3 months go by, without a single peep. I was shocked. I would have never bet on that in a million years. This was her first trip on a plane, first trip outside the country, a lot of firsts, and it was crazy to me that after being her best friend/partner with everything that she could resist even feeding me some breadcrumbs. I figured that once she 'came down' from her awesome trip and back to unemployment/boring life (I was hoping lol) at home she'd think about me and contact me. Nope. Nothing.

 

I couldn't resist any longer, she was all I thought about still. There were highs and lows, but I still missed her for the life of me. I reached out with a light email. She responded, thankfully, although fairly distant. After a few email exchanges I finally dropped the "well we should hang out some time, catch up" after I found out she wasn't seeing anyone still. She said she'd "think about it" and that it "might not be a good idea/too soon". I was crushed as I was hoping she'd be excited to see me after 3 frickin long months apart. Instead of playing it cool I called her up.

 

On the phone she broke down into tears almost immediately, as she listed all the bad parts of our relationship or my faults as a bf (no abuse/cheating/lying...basically products of my commitment phobia). I could hear her pain as she got everything out, I too broke down as I'd never cared for any girl before her a fraction of the amount and it wrecked me hearing my flaws in the RS and the subsequent pain it inflicted. BUT in a twisted way, it was better for me to hear that then absolutely nothing at all. I think this is just human nature; the ego at work. It meant the 3 months of not a single peep from her didn't mean I meant nothing to her. Or that she never thought of me, as she even said "I've had a lot of time to think and reflect on things...".

 

There's no happy ending to this story obviously. I tried once more a few weeks later to promise her the world and convince her that this time we can work it out, but aside from her just starting to date someone, it was obviously way too late. That ship had sailed.

 

The point: So aside from those exchanges, initiated by me, I've never heard from her (3 months before, almost 6 months after). But it doesn't mean she never cared, or never thinks of me, or that I never mattered, or that that she never loved me passionately IN the relationship. She did (even after reading that article above, and typing this, it's STILL a struggle to believe this at times..). And that phone call after 3 months of radio silence following our breakup confirmed that there was still some sort of deep feelings there.

 

I'm not saying this so that we hang onto hope or anything silly like that. But I know for me, my self-esteem would take such a beating (and still does at times) when I'd question what the heck it all meant, or why she "used me" the way she did. Or why I'm so damn easy to get over, when everyone else on LS gets breadcrumbs, etc. Concluding she must not have ever really cared. That's just silly. There was a time, maybe a long time even, that she thought and hoped I was the one for her. Those weren't lies. She wanted it with every fibre of her being (and as a commitment phobe who was dealing with his first pretty serious relationship, it unfortunately resulted in me pushing her away at times). Unfortunately, in the end we weren't meant for eachother. Even though I fully opened up and dove in by the end of our relationship, it was too late. She'd determined I wasn't right for her. And from my viewpoint, well if she's not willing to keep working through things and wanting to keep me in her life, she's obviously not right for me either. And i know as hard as it is to admit, it's better we're in complete NC and she doesn't reach out. Stroking my ego is nice and all, but it won't fix our broken relationship, and if we're not healed completely (as I'm not) it really does more harm than good.

[ViciousCycle]

Thanks for sharing that article. It was a huge smack in the face for me. Not sure what I'm really looking for from an ex, but it is a product of me being selfish and insecure.

[youngnlove89]

I'm really sorry what happened to you. I must ask, did you break up with her? Sorry if I missed that part.

 

My ex was a commitment phobe too. He loved me, but could hardly commit to being a boyfriend. He went from saying I was the only one he's ever loved this much to saying "something was missing in me" and then saying he cares about me so much and will never forget me. It was so confusing.

 

It was sad. I left him again (we have been off and on for 2 years due to his commitment issues), 3 weeks ago. He has just fallen off the face of earth, ignored me and I feel utterly lame. I feel like I was no good. It sucks to be ignored. It sucks to think that he just stopped caring and it was so easy for him to move on.

 

[Jono85]

I'm really sorry what happened to you. I must ask, did you break up with her? Sorry if I missed that part.

 

My ex was a commitment phobe too. He loved me, but could hardly commit to being a boyfriend. He went from saying I was the only one he's ever loved this much to saying "something was missing in me" and then saying he cares about me so much and will never forget me. It was so confusing.

 

It was sad. I left him again (we have been off and on for 2 years due to his commitment issues), 3 weeks ago. He has just fallen off the face of earth, ignored me and I feel utterly lame. I feel like I was no good. It sucks to be ignored. It sucks to think that he just stopped caring and it was so easy for him to move on.

 

 

The last time she broke up with me, last summer in June. She'd just had enough and her feelings weren't obviously the same. We only dated for a year, from June 2011. My commitment phobe stuff was basically the first 8 months. She was all in pretty early, 3 months in saying ILY. I wasn't there, she knew I wasn't there. I broke up with her twice actually in the 5 months or so, b/c I cared for her so damn much and yet I felt so guilty I wasn't "in love" like she was. I think part of this was b/c her insecurities started a lot of fights, which pushed me away. I don't blame her, I'd be insecure too if my gf dumped me twice and never said she loved me even though I said it. I never even wanted to meet her parents, or friends. I was horrible. It wasn't until last February, I caught her talking/flirting (nothing even bad, but still) on facebook with another guy, and she tried to lie about it until finally admitting she was unsure about us. Again, looking back, I don't blame her, I still never said ILY or met her parents (8 months after we started). Anyway this really hurt me, so what did I do?? Break up with her again! I'm really huge on honesty. To see her betray me hurt tons. Anyway she pleaded, and claimed it was a mistake and b/c I still hadn't committed fully etc, but this time I was serious. A month goes by of LC, and I just couldn't take it anymore, I realized in that month how much I loved her, how much I wanted everyone to know, etc etc and I told her all of this. It was a lot for her to take in, and she kept me on the back burner for another 1-2 months while she dated a little. Until she finally caved and called me telling me she missed me, etc. We made up, got back together, and it only lasted 3 weeks lol. I was all in, but insecure now, and she was obviously not willing to go 100% again, most likely b/c she'd lost feelings. Fights happened often, and then she finally gave up and ended it for good. The end... lol

 

So wasn't the healthiest relationship, and maybe it's for the best we're not together. I think there was too much damage done on both sides by the end. But I also know her feelings just weren't there. Sucks b/c I finally got to that point where I wanted the whole world to know and I could be so open about it, but it was too late. But then again MAYBE I only got like that b/c she had distanced herself. Maybe if she acted the same way as the first few months I would have ran away again. Who knows.

 

 

As for your story, I've read a few of your threads on here and I gotta say you just need to stick it out with the healing and moving on. You haven't made a whole lot of progress (don't worry, I haven't either...but i do at least refrain from contacting her..), and hopefully now you're finally starting to! You're a beautiful girl and will find a great guy, but only if you work on getting to the point where you're open to that and past the broken fairytale of your ex and you working out. MAYBE you can talk with him after a solid year or more of healing. MAYBE. Same with me, maybe if she contacts me a year down the road I will feel ok to talk with her and past all the resentment etc, but I'm not sure. Anyhow, good luck in your healing

[BustedUpInside]

Thank you so much for this post. I think it is important to acknowledge the type of break up where there are no bread crumbs. People can feel so rejected, but you have given an explanation. No one is really at fault. Most relationships just do not work out for whatever reason but that doesn't mean that the party who ended the relationship didn't care.

 

Good luck with your continued healing. It sounds like you are well on your way though

[youngnlove89]

As for your story, I've read a few of your threads on here and I gotta say you just need to stick it out with the healing and moving on. You haven't made a whole lot of progress (don't worry, I haven't either...but i do at least refrain from contacting her..), and hopefully now you're finally starting to! You're a beautiful girl and will find a great guy, but only if you work on getting to the point where you're open to that and past the broken fairytale of your ex and you working out. MAYBE you can talk with him after a solid year or more of healing. MAYBE. Same with me, maybe if she contacts me a year down the road I will feel ok to talk with her and past all the resentment etc, but I'm not sure. Anyhow, good luck in your healing

 

Yea, when I read your thread, I got a little hope to be honest. "He's a commitment phobe like my ex and realized what he lost, maybe my commitment phobe will too!"

 

But I know that won't happen. We have gotten back so many times and nothing ever changed. He didn't change.

 

One thing about commitment phobes I've learned: they can't commit to being with you and they can't commit to being without you.

[Jono85]

Yea, when I read your thread, I got a little hope to be honest. "He's a commitment phobe like my ex and realized what he lost, maybe my commitment phobe will too!"

 

But I know that won't happen. We have gotten back so many times and nothing ever changed. He didn't change.

 

One thing about commitment phobes I've learned: they can't commit to being with you and they can't commit to being without you.

 

 

Lol i know you did

 

And that's funny since I was basically the same. Broke up with her 3 times in total, but couldn't ever distance myself from her. Finally when I could fully commit, she ended it and never looked back lol. She wins . But the worst part is a part of me maybe took her for granted, felt she'd always love me and there was no rush for me to be overly committed. Boy did that backfire. Worst feeling in the world to see someone you're in love with just blatantly not have the same feelings. Like she literally wanted to pursue other guys, and seeing that killed me. Hopefully lessons learned.

 

But yeah honestly, I'd take a breka from the forums. Before this thread I hadn't posted in over a month. This forum can be an addiction. It can also serve to keep all the over-analysis of your breakup and ex alive. It's a breeding ground. See if you can do it. 30+ days away from the forums. I bet you you can't! This place is just another way of keeping all of our exes alive.

[youngnlove89]

Lol i know you did

 

And that's funny since I was basically the same. Broke up with her 3 times in total, but couldn't ever distance myself from her. Finally when I could fully commit, she ended it and never looked back lol. She wins . But the worst part is a part of me maybe took her for granted, felt she'd always love me and there was no rush for me to be overly committed. Boy did that backfire. Worst feeling in the world to see someone you're in love with just blatantly not have the same feelings. Like she literally wanted to pursue other guys, and seeing that killed me. Hopefully lessons learned.

 

But yeah honestly, I'd take a breka from the forums. Before this thread I hadn't posted in over a month. This forum can be an addiction. It can also serve to keep all the over-analysis of your breakup and ex alive. It's a breeding ground. See if you can do it. 30+ days away from the forums. I bet you you can't! This place is just another way of keeping all of our exes alive.

 

 

Maybe you should get help for your commitment phobia? Did you have issues as a child? I know my ex did. His mom had several boyfriends when he was young and he was bothered by that. He never saw a consistent relationship when he was growing up. He doesn't even speak to his mom to this day. It's sad. He also couldn't commit to other things like jobs. He always wants a new job once he finally gets settled in the one he worked so hard to get. And once he reached a goal, he couldn't just enjoy it, he had to make another one. He even told me himself, he is lonely and can't let anyone in. He is stubborn.

 

In a way, I'm happy for your ex. Sorry, I don't mean that in bad way to you, I really don't! I just feel like if she can get over it, than I can too. I'm at the point where I feel like I will always love my ex. I hate it. He couldn't commit to me, why is it so hard to walk away from him?

 

And yes, these forums are way TOO addicting. I wouldn't be able to last a day. Unless I took a xanax. haha

[Jono85]

Maybe you should get help for your commitment phobia? Did you have issues as a child? I know my ex did. His mom had several boyfriends when he was young and he was bothered by that. He never saw a consistent relationship when he was growing up. He doesn't even speak to his mom to this day. It's sad. He also couldn't commit to other things like jobs. He always wants a new job once he finally gets settled in the one he worked so hard to get. And once he reached a goal, he couldn't just enjoy it, he had to make another one. He even told me himself, he is lonely and can't let anyone in. He is stubborn.

 

In a way, I'm happy for your ex. Sorry, I don't mean that in bad way to you, I really don't! I just feel like if she can get over it, than I can too. I'm at the point where I feel like I will always love my ex. I hate it. He couldn't commit to me, why is it so hard to walk away from him?

 

And yes, these forums are way TOO addicting. I wouldn't be able to last a day. Unless I took a xanax. haha

 

Not many issues as a child. However I do have social anxiety issues, and self-esteem issues. I think it's come on more as an adult. I was always 'shy' as a kid but when your a kid it's not a big deal. And yes, this caused huge issues in our relationship b/c it was half the reason I didn't want to meet her co-workers, friends, family etc. I was unemployed at the time and my self-esteem wasn't great, and always had anxiety with living up to the expectations since I know she talked about me with everyone extensively. I'm not saying that's why I broke up with her, but I know it played a role in December around Christmas time when I knew it was time to meet everyone/get serious. But a lot of it was also that I didn't feel strongly enough about her and my fear of meeting them was not as much to do with my anxiety/self-esteem as it was about me not wanting to disappoint them all if I changed my mind. And that was my thought process constantly. I lived by "As long as I don't fully commit, I can never hurt her too much". How twisted and totally ridiculous is that lol. But I also think her pressure and her crazy feelings so early put too much pressure on me. Like it's not her fault, I'm just saying if she was more lax, and we went with the flow a bit more maybe I got to that point on my own, instead of always feeling guilty for not saying ILY back as it obviously caused friction.

 

Anyway, in the end, I'm not so happy for her only b/c she was super cold towards the end and after the BU. I know by that point it's over, but still. You can end things with more care for someone you were so close with, and she never showed an ounce of it and it destroyed me. I'll likely look back at this and understand. But I can't right now. But I do totally get where your coming from.

 

I think your situation is a bit different, b/c I came crawling back and dove all in. So it was probably easier for her to leave me as crazy as it sounds. You always hear about girls who keep reeling you in reeling you in and once you fully commit and give everything, they're done. He never did for you it sounds like, so you never got to "conquer" him. Sounds stupid, and probably is for many girls. But I know my ex would still talk to a couple of her exes that never fully committed to her, or left her. Yet a year after our breakup, and she hasn't tried to talk to me once lol. So I feel like she got me to cave, and that was that. She loved the chase and probably had feelings b/c she could never understand why I couldn't love her fully. Then I finally give her what none of her exes could, a guy that wants to fight for her and a guy that won't give up on her (despite my breakups I could never leave her, and there were never any other girls) and she's not used to that, and her attraction probably went out the window. I can't think of any other reason as to why she'd only give it 3 weeks after I was finally giving her everything she ever wanted. Oh well. Her loss!

[youngnlove89]

No actually, it is your loss. You were the one who couldn't commit.

 

And then when you finally figure out what you want, you had expected her to be sitting pretty, waiting for you, and then you find out you can't get her back.

 

It took my ex a year to say I love you. He said it himself and I could hardly say it back when he did. I was shocked.

 

My ex did take me to meet his very close friends and family after 3 months of dating. I think that step really shook him. He broke up with me the first time after that trip together. I think he was emotionally detaching because it was such a serious step. Then he missed me and wanted me back. We were long distance at first. Then I moved closer to him after 6 months of dating him. Then he broke up with me again.

 

Every break up with him, he initiated contact first. "I miss you" "I will always love you" "You are someone I will never forget" "I've never care this much for someone before"

 

All bull****. Whatever is going on his head, I'll never figure out.

 

I broke up with him this time, over a text after we just hung out. After he told me that he see's himself dating others, something is missing in me, but doesn't want to lose me. How he could continue what we have forever and how he knows he needs help and he is afraid he will lose me. So I left his house and sent him a text that basically said, "I'm done with your bull****. It doesn't feel good to be around you anymore" Yes, not the best. You know what happened? He said "wow, thanks" and then he ignored me and hasn't said a WORD since. It's been 3 weeks now.

 

He knew by ignoring me that it would irk me. Arrogant piece of ^&*$.

 

 

*sorry for taking my anger out on you

Edited May 24, 2013 by youngnlove89

[Jono85]

No actually, it is your loss. You were the one who couldn't commit.

 

And then when you finally figure out what you want, you had expected her to be sitting pretty, waiting for you, and then you find out you can't get her back.

 

It took my ex a year to say I love you. He said it himself and I could hardly say it back when he did. I was shocked.

 

My ex did take me to meet his very close friends and family after 3 months of dating. I think that step really shook him. He broke up with me the first time after that trip together. I think he was emotionally detaching because it was such a serious step. Then he missed me and wanted me back. We were long distance at first. Then I moved closer to him after 6 months of dating him. Then he broke up with me again.

 

Every break up with him, he initiated contact first. "I miss you" "I will always love you" "You are someone I will never forget" "I've never care this much for someone before"

 

All bull****. Whatever is going on his head, I'll never figure out.

 

I broke up with him this time, over a text after we just hung out. After he told me that he see's himself dating others, something is missing in me, but doesn't want to lose me. How he could continue what we have forever and how he knows he needs help and he is afraid he will lose me. So I left his house and sent him a text that basically said, "I'm done with your bull****. It doesn't feel good to be around you anymore" Yes, not the best. You know what happened? He said "wow, thanks" and then he ignored me and hasn't said a WORD since. It's been 3 weeks now.

 

He knew by ignoring me that it would irk me. Arrogant piece of ^&*$.

 

 

*sorry for taking my anger out on you

 

 

and he's right, but you HAD to expect that it would kill you. it doesn't matter. you finally left on your own, and you put yourself in front of him. that's a very powerful thing. you should be very proud of yourself. but you NEED to keep it going. there are still differences between yours and my situation. i got to that point fully, and it was her leaving me and me trying to fight for her. not only that, the last time i broke up with her, in february, it was b/c of her betrayal. she knows how much that hurt me b/c when we went through her facebook together and she was sitting on my lap (she didn't know that i had already saw the msgs with the other guy...i told her earlier in the night i wanted to see something on her facebook later when we got home, testing her i guess...i guess i set her up to fail..). anyway she knows b/c my heart was POUNDING as i looked at her inbox and all the exchange was deleted. i felt like sh-t. it was emotional cheating b/c during that week she was very distant with me and i asked her why, and she told me it was nothing, just stress, and that i was acting like a girl (after bringing it up again). she later confessed that she was unsure, but as soon as she saw me that weekend she was sure again.

 

anyway, i'm not saying it's all her fault. but i still would rather have her communicated with me than go behind my back talking to a guy. i lost my trust. thats why i felt i had to breka up with her again. but i can understand why she shut me out i guess. but i can never be 100% sure if she did it b/c of my distance, or her feelings were just naturally fading and she was losing interest. maybe that's my insecurities getting the best of me, who knows.

 

but yeah i wasn't the best bf obviously to her for majority of the RS. when we were broken up, i didn't expect her to be just sitting pretty waiting. i thought i was ending it for good. until i realized how much i needed her and had always loved her but was afraid to jump in. (btw u asked whether i had issues as a child, i guess i should've told you my ex before her, the first girl i'd ever said ILY to in my life to that point, left me for her ex after she initialted the ILYs 3 weeks prior). lol. so yea that could have something to do with it. i wasn't over her either, when i started dating my ex, which was most likely a big reason why i couldn't jump in. i even have a thread about my ex ex in december 2011 when i was with my last ex. so yeah...i guess it never had a fair shot to begin with.

 

 

lol it's ok, you haven't said anything mean, i'd rather you be honest and i can see why you'd sympathize with my ex. 100% understand that. i really hope you can gather the strength that she did to just give up and throw the towel in. weird for me to say that, but your ex totally doesn't deserve your fight. you will look back and thank yourself for making these hard decisions down the line if you stick with this, i guarantee that 100%.

Edited May 25, 2013 by Jono85