I shouldn't expect to hear from him ever again, right?

[Cafe au lait]

I'm 17, turning 18 next month and I graduated from high school a couple weeks ago. When I was a freshman in high school, there was a senior guy that liked me but nothing ever came it. He graduated, and I didn't see him again until he briefly visited my school during my sophomore year. We didn't talk, but I noticed that he kept staring at me. Fast forward two years later to this April, when I decide to send him a friend request on facebook to see what he's been up to. He accepts, I message him, and we have a long conversation catching up (first time I talked to him in 3 years). He suggests that we "get a meal" when he is back in town for summer break. A month later (May 14), which is a few days before he returns to town, he messages me again. We start talking on fb every day, and he keeps saying that we should meet up. A red flag goes up in my head when I talk about how cute his dog is and how I want to pet it and he invites me over to his house (to meet his dog) after lunch. So we met up for lunch last Sunday, walked around downtown, and I went to his house (yep, after not seeing him for 2 years). I was sort of blindsided by how charming he was, how much attention he paid to me, and how well we "clicked." Well, his hands start wandering when we're both on his bed and we start making out (I'm thinking, he's super attractive, 21 yrs. old, and attends the most prestigious college in the country). But after a while I break off the kiss because I start feeling uncomfortable. I have to leave soon anyway, and he introduces me to his mom on the way out. Even though it was a little awkward after I ended the kiss, he's back to normal when he tells me goodbye at my car. At home, not wanting things to be awkward between us, I send him a friendly message on fb that night. We have an easy conversation, and we talk again the next night. He ends that conversation with "talk soon," but I haven't heard from him since.

 

I'm trying to figure out what he's thinking right now. He knew beforehand that I was a virgin and not interested in "hooking up." He had mentioned being into "hooking up" (his words) but not "sex without emotion" (my words), however that works. While we were cuddling and before we made out on his bed, he talked about meeting up again. Is he not contacting me because I stopped making out? Because I'm a bad kisser (this is actually possible, the making out wasn't very good)? Will I ever hear from him again?

 

I'm sad right now because I just like talking to him so I wish we could stay friends. I don't expect any relationship because he is leaving town again in a few weeks anyway. But the fact that he doesn't even seem interested in being friends anymore makes me feel that he was using me.

 

(Also, even though we didn't end up having sex, I do meet the age of consent in my state)

[daletom]

It would be appropriate for you to not have any more contact with this guy.

 

His intentions for rekindling your previous friendship may have been different from yours. It could be he was looking for a quick hookup with a similarly-minded partner. It could be he didn't really intend to go any farther than some heavy making-out (after all, it sounds like his mother was home!), but you two had different ideas about what was acceptable physical activity on your first date and he sensed your panic when it seemed to go farther than you wanted. It could be he actually did hope to take advantage of an attractive, innocent chick (you) who seemed to be pursuing him, and who he will not have to face because he's leaving town shortly.

 

Tell me (actually, tell yourself) once again what your ages are. At your ages, people can go through significant mental and emotional changes in a relatively short time. He has been away at college for a few years, which is a much different social and cultural environment than where you have been. The social customs and practices where he has been may teach that sex is an acceptable activity for two people to do if there isn't anything interesting on TV.

 

It sounds like you may have unintentionally encouraged his advances by your conversations before your meeting. Unless you're at least considering the possibility of having sex with him, why should you tell him you're a virgin? Why are you discussing his standards of sexual behavior? These topics may be legitimate in the early stages of a relationship as a couple discovers each other's basic beliefs and philosophy but it doesn't sound like that was the context of your conversation.

 

To your credit, it sounds like you had an acceptable and proper first date in a public place. And his mother was at home, although the standard for truly gentlemanly behavior says he should have introduced you to her when you arrived, not when you departed. You didn't mention what happened at his house besides the making out (did you play with the dog?), but when my kids were your age they weren't allowed to have visitors of the opposite sex behind closed bedroom doors. (They knew their mother and I would respect their privacy for appropriate physical activity.)

 

OK, how do you see yourself relative to this guy? Just an old chum you'd like to check up on out of curiosity? An interesting companion for a few weeks - with the benefit of increasing your social standing among your friends, since he is an older guy? Somebody who truly has potential for being a long-term romantic interest, although the problem of physical separation needs to be addressed?

 

In any of those cases, I suggest you contact him and explain what you expected very specifically. Tell him that what happened at his house was not really acceptable to you, but you can forgive and forget if he doesn't maneuver you into a situation like that again. (And if it DOES happen, don't give him a third chance.)

 

Or do you really see him as a likely sex partner? Somebody who is sort of familiar, but not so much that you'd get sex tangled up with emotions. Somebody you'd risk sharing the embarrassment, and possibly blood and tears, of your first experience just to get it over with. Somebody who could teach you a few things about guys' bodies as well as your own, so you could use that knowledge in the future. I think these are NOT good reasons for having sex but others have different ideas. If they really ARE your intentions then you need to have a discussion with him about how you expect it to happen, what it means to you (and what you think it should mean to him), and start getting ready for the event (GYN exam, birth control, STD tests, etc). While that's happening, ask him to teach you how to be a great kisser.

 

In either case I think you need to have a serious conversation with yourself about the meaning and significance of sex in your own life, how you intend to live that out, and at least roughly what activities are appropriate to various stages of a relationship. Regardless of what standards you adopt they will be tested at some point in the next few years of your life. It's better to have some idea of how to deal with that beforehand, by deliberately thinking it through in broad daylight, than to have that self-discussion at 2:00 AM in some guy's car or dorm room.

[Cafe au lait]

That was an extremely insightful post, thank you so much.

 

You're right about me probably encouraging his advances through our conversations before we met up. The tone of them became more flirty as time went on. However, me mentioning my virginity was actually intended to serve as a warning to him. I figured that 1) who would want to have sex with a virgin? and 2) if I managed to stay a virgin all through high school and even after a committed relationship, I'm probably not going to have sex with him. I was thinking that he would infer those things. When we were specifically discussing these standards of sexual behavior, the tone of our conversations was actually pretty serious. However, I should have been warned (I didn't understand this until later) when he mentioned that you can create short-term personal enjoyment in knowing exactly what you want and getting it (he was referencing hookups).

 

His father was also home. When I got to his house, he went to the kitchen to tell him something (presumably about my presence) and the father and I smiled at each other when I walked by. There was no formal introduction with him. I did indeed play with the dog for a while, even in his room. The bedroom door was not closed (I was rather surprised about this), but we were the only people upstairs because his father was working downstairs and his mother was in the garden.

 

I'm not certain what I want right now. I would be happy with just friendship (hopefully long-term) because he's not even talking to me right now. I would also be okay with making out again before he leaves. I don't think I'm ready for sex, unless we have a bunch of great dates before he leaves (and even then, probably not).

 

Speaking of which, I don't even think we went on a proper date. We never used that word, and he never offered to pay. When the waitress said she'd bring out the bill, I asked for it to be separate and he didn't say anything. For me, I am used to the idea that the guy should at least offer to pay.

 

Regardless of whether I want friendship or more making out, you suggested that I contact him to explain what my expectations were/are. But if he hasn't contacted me since Monday night, it doesn't seem like he has any type of interest in me at all anymore. Contacting him probably won't change his mind, right? And if it doesn't, I just look desperate. I don't think he'd ignore me if I sent him a friendly message, but I would feel like I'm forcing a friendship. So even though I really don't want to lose him, I also don't see much good coming out of contacting him, leading to the conclusion of trying to forget about him... Would you agree?

[Cafe au lait]

Update: he contacted me this morning and as we started talking, I was thinking, "cool, so maybe he wants to be friends or at least pretend to be." And then after a couple hours I found out his real reason for contacting me. He asked me if I was "free tonight." I said I was busy today, he suggested tomorrow. I said I was busy tomorrow too. Then I agreed on Tuesday, but I'm not sure if this is such a great idea...

 

I could bail on him before then, saying that something suddenly came up. I could go but refuse to do anything sexual. Note- he didn't even say what we would be doing, just asked if I was free. And I didn't ask (probably should have). I could go and make out again.

 

Ahh, I don't know. One part of me wants to just fool around and forget about him once he leaves town. The other part of me is afraid that I won't be able to do it, that I'll feel emotionally tied to him and I won't be satisfied with just a brief fling.

[Cafe au lait]

I canceled it. I didn't like how he didn't talk to me for almost a week but broke the silence only to invite me for a date/hookup/whatever. The last thing I said to him on Sunday was that Tuesday sounded good, and the next time I hear from him is today, when he asks what time I'll be free. No friendly talk in between.

 

What I'm hoping for is that he realizes he has to work a little harder, and put more effort into talking to me (by the way, he is the one who ends every single conversation). Or maybe he just won't talk to me again because I'm not that easy. If so, then so be it.

 

And if he seriously asks me out again the day of without talking to me for a week, then he's more of an idiot than his college name would imply.