My girl left me because...

[Brennen A]

Hello, my name is Brennen.

 

I have been engaged to well was engaged to my ex for a year now. We had been going through a lot of stuff being that we both lived in California together and decided to start our lives in Oregon.

 

Now moving in together, having our own responsibilities and issues was difficult being that I was 19 and she was 20. We are very mature for our ages, I am a manager at the dealership where I am currently employed. We had a lot of issues that we were putting band-aids on and they weren't being resolved.

 

One of my issues was that I wasn't actually listening to what she was saying. I was more being selective of what I wanted to hear and fixing "what I heard". Now I understand that is a problem and I told her I'd fix it. On my part, I have been very stressed being that I am the bread winner with the only income and having more bills that we could keep up with.

 

I never really did asses the problem, and it blew up in my face. She left for three days and came running back to me saying she wanted to fix our issues because she loves me. Now she stayed for 4 days and decided to leave and take a "break" from me. She said that she wasn't working, (which she wasn't.) being that we only have one vehicle. She wasn't in school any more which was another one of her issues and finally.. She (in California) would work out every day and was very fit and in shape. We have been here for 8 months, and she has gain weight and is depressed about it.

 

I need to add that her not having school, work, or a gym meant that she had to stay in our apartment all day long until I got home. I never intentionally mean to leave her there, it was just unfortunate that the circumstance was the way it was. She complained to me over and over about not listening, again I never really did asses the issue being I was so stressed. She left again and is telling me that we are over because I can't get it into my head to "listen". Honestly, I am trying my hardest.

 

Now on my end she was very depressed and angry and I would try to get here to get out and she wouldn't. She had issues too, that were not being resolved. She is now gone living with her parents. She told me before she left with a face full of tears that she loves me and wants me to support her decision. So I told her I would. Now she said she needed space, and being me I can't take one day from her so I text and called her repeatedly. She is so mad at me right now saying there is no chances for me any more. Now I want to add that when she is with her friends she is put on this high. She gets the confidence from them. She says stuff I know she doesn't mean. I know she is dating, but I think its to teach me a lesson.

 

Do I have complete no contact with her and let her breath? I wont let her go, I know she loves me being that when she left she said that if I moved to another apartment (being our lease is up) that she wanted me to tell her so she could decorate it to make it her home. Now she gave me confidence that she would be coming back to me. However, I am stuck in the situation that me not giving her space has made her angry with me making her say stuff she doesn't mean. Advice would be precious to me being she is my world. I will do anything for her.

 

And please, no downing comments that we are young. We are well aware of our ages, and are very successful where we are at.

 

Thank you,

 

Brennen

[Estate]

Hello, my name is Brennen.

 

I have been engaged to well was engaged to my ex for a year now. We had been going through a lot of stuff being that we both lived in California together and decided to start our lives in Oregon.

 

Now moving in together, having our own responsibilities and issues was difficult being that I was 19 and she was 20. We are very mature for our ages, I am a manager at the dealership where I am currently employed. We had a lot of issues that we were putting band-aids on and they weren't being resolved.

 

One of my issues was that I wasn't actually listening to what she was saying. I was more being selective of what I wanted to hear and fixing "what I heard". Now I understand that is a problem and I told her I'd fix it. On my part, I have been very stressed being that I am the bread winner with the only income and having more bills that we could keep up with.

 

I never really did asses the problem, and it blew up in my face. She left for three days and came running back to me saying she wanted to fix our issues because she loves me. Now she stayed for 4 days and decided to leave and take a "break" from me. She said that she wasn't working, (which she wasn't.) being that we only have one vehicle. She wasn't in school any more which was another one of her issues and finally.. She (in California) would work out every day and was very fit and in shape. We have been here for 8 months, and she has gain weight and is depressed about it.

 

I need to add that her not having school, work, or a gym meant that she had to stay in our apartment all day long until I got home. I never intentionally mean to leave her there, it was just unfortunate that the circumstance was the way it was. She complained to me over and over about not listening, again I never really did asses the issue being I was so stressed. She left again and is telling me that we are over because I can't get it into my head to "listen". Honestly, I am trying my hardest.

 

Now on my end she was very depressed and angry and I would try to get here to get out and she wouldn't. She had issues too, that were not being resolved. She is now gone living with her parents. She told me before she left with a face full of tears that she loves me and wants me to support her decision. So I told her I would. Now she said she needed space, and being me I can't take one day from her so I text and called her repeatedly. She is so mad at me right now saying there is no chances for me any more. Now I want to add that when she is with her friends she is put on this high. She gets the confidence from them. She says stuff I know she doesn't mean. I know she is dating, but I think its to teach me a lesson.

 

Do I have complete no contact with her and let her breath? I wont let her go, I know she loves me being that when she left she said that if I moved to another apartment (being our lease is up) that she wanted me to tell her so she could decorate it to make it her home. Now she gave me confidence that she would be coming back to me. However, I am stuck in the situation that me not giving her space has made her angry with me making her say stuff she doesn't mean. Advice would be precious to me being she is my world. I will do anything for her.

 

And please, no downing comments that we are young. We are well aware of our ages, and are very successful where we are at.

 

Thank you,

 

Brennen

 

It's not that you are too young.

It sounds like you just gave up, both of you. You both just found someone at a young age (yes! you did!), fell into living together, going through the motions of getting engaged but neither of you have the slightest idea of what it takes to actually maintain a real adult relationship.

 

All the stuff you had together, engagement included... that's only the beginning (and yes, because you're young!), it's the beginning of something much longer than for many other people when they meet 10 or 20 years later than you guys...

 

 

... yet you just sound like "thats it"... we live together, we're engaged, we did what we're "supposed to do" and that's that for the future.

 

You talk about issues you both have personally and in the relationship. You neglected her, she's too dependent on you... it just all screams bad relationship but neither of you know any better.

 

I don't want to give you the lecture on being too young because you won't listen but at the end of the day neither of you has gone through the life experience and seen good and bad relationships to realize what a GOOD one is and how much WORK it takes to maintain.

[Brennen A]

We made the decision to move in with one another. It didn't just happen! Being as I have gotten plenty of advice, I understand that relationships have their ups and downs and we have to learn from our mistakes.

 

I love this girl so much, being why I gave up my management job in my grocery chain, sold my Camaro, and moved her up here where she would be closer to her family.

 

I know for a fact she loves me, what I am looking for is advice to resolve this catastrophe of a mess and bring her back into my life. Like I said, she is mad at me right now for not giving her the space she initially needed. I haven't contacted her in a day now, no good nights, no good mornings nothing.

 

The way she sounded when she spoke to me was very livid. I have never seen her so mad, in the entire two years we dated. I want to add that she just turner 21 and is wanting to go to gay bars with her gay friend and have some fun. (Which I understand being that she was trapped in the apartment for over six months, I would want to spread my wings as well).

 

I know she loves me, she left all of her stuff in our apartment, and still hasn't come to get it. It's all her important belongings and does need the majority of it. I see it as a reminder that she will be home soon, and that I just need to give her space and let her cool down before I go to her and discuss our issues.

 

You're right, I neglected her. I regret it and have been working on it. I wont let it happen again. Every couple goes through a tough patch, my parents did!

 

Brennen

[Chevuron]

It is probably weighing on her how trapped she feels not really leaving the house or feeling like she has anything positive to contribute. If I was her, I'd want to feel like I was helping and unless I was happily agreeing to be a "stay at him wife"--I'd feel sad not being able to help in payments and things at the moment.

 

I'd give her a little space to clear her head and get things together. If you keep pushing her she'll continue to get upset and pull away. While she is away you should really compare and compare what is constantly going wrong and what she was originally saying when you weren't listening.

 

It takes good communication to keep all relationships going. No one wants to spend day in and day out feeling ignored and unappreciated.

 

It seems you also are very stressed yourself working so hard to take care of both yourself and her. Are you able to set tiny bits of money aside with your job atleast? Were you able to set aside any moments when you'd come home to completely be with her? >: Like maybe 15 minutes of Girlfriend/boyfriend time?

 

I really hope you guys get better<: While she is away remember to treat yourself right too! Be your own best friend, rest and eat well. Laugh and add a little humor in your day!

[Simon Phoenix]

Why isn't she working or going to school or doing anything? And how is that being "successful" at a young age? It seems like she needs to spread her wings a bit and find something else to do besides hang out at your apartment. Part of that is because she isn't doing anything and another part of that is because she's young. So let her do that and stay away until she indicates otherwise.

 

As for your "my parents had a tough patch" thing, how old were they when this "tough patch" happened and were they married when it did? Just because things happen to other people doesn't mean that's the way. Everyone has their own path and perhaps your path isn't with this girl. Who knows. But for now you need to leave her alone. And she needs to find something to do besides sit around in a house/apartment.

[Chi townD]

Dude, let's dissect what you just wrote.

 

She loves you....yet, she left you high and dry.

 

She loves you....yet, when you call, she screams at you and says "things that she doesn't mean".

 

She loves you...yet, she says you have NO CHANCE to get back with her.

 

She loves you...yet, she's dating other guys (yeah, people that are totally in love with someone date, make out and sleep with other people) You state that she's doing this to get back at you. Dude that's hurtful and humiliating...NOT LOVE!

 

Time to move on dude. You want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. This is all one sided. She has ABSOLUTELY no respect for you. Time to man up and grow a spine dude. Time to accept that fact that she's made a choice to have you OUT of her life. So, you need to give her EXACTLY that. You are SOOOOO hung up on a girl that doesn't want you and you are forgetting about the millions of girls in this world that you could have a shot at REAL happiness with.

 

So, I STRONGLY recommend that you get into individual counseling to help you cope with these feelings of loss. Then, you need to go NC on her. NO CONTACT! Go dark on her. Pack up ALL of her crap; put it in a box and mail it to her mothers. BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK! This girl is in such and evil mood, she's going to start posting pics of her with other guys and putting up status updates like, "Spent the night with Steve, sooo tired this morning. :)" just to spite and hurt you. You don't need to see that sh*t.

 

Ignore ALL calls, texts and emails. DO NOT RESPOND! Post here instead. Send nothing to her. No texts, calls or emails. She need to know that you are gone and by her own actions. Either she gets 100% of you or nothing at all.

[Brennen A]

Thanks for the input you guys. I feel for her, I have been alone in the apartment the last couple days and hate how I left her there. I understand now why she wanted to leave and get out.

 

She said all that stuff out of anger. I have said stuff out of anger too, it's how we work. Couple's are different! The way we get our anger out is attacking each other, I can't really explain why but it helps us. After we get it out, we are better. Now she never told me we are over, she never told me she was dating. She said she was hanging out with her friend Sarah and her gay friend Ulises.

 

She isn't the girl to go sleep around. She wouldn't have intercourse with me four 6 months. She is a very strong, and stubborn girl. She can be a brick wall at times. That is why I fell in love with her, I had to did everything out of her. When she is hurting, I have to dig it out of her no matter how long it takes.

 

I stopped caring for her to care to my needs. Now that isn't wrong, but I was neglecting her feelings in the process. She resents me for it and I understand that.

 

Anyways. I have made no contact and will continue to do so. I deleted my facebook, she deleted hers. She wants to get away from all drama, and be free and figure what she is going to do with her life (in her own words).

 

She said she doesn't know who she is anymore and needs space to find herself again. I never gave her that space and now I am reaping the consequences. She is angry with me and now I have to wait it out for her to come around.

 

My friends girl did the same thing, she was so angry at him for neglecting her she left him for two weeks and came crawling back to him once she saw the "free life style". She told me she realized who she really loved, and thats why she came back. I understand that hey, she may be over me and may not come back. At least I can say that I fought hard for the girl I gave my life too. I love her and will continue to show her until she looks me in the eyes and tells me she is done with me.

[Chi townD]

Okay....but the only chance you got is NO CONTACT! She's got to realize that you are gone! You are not in her life by her own choice so she can "Find herself" Which is the most frickin stupid thing I've EVER heard of.

 

Sorry, I don't care what you think. Right now, she's living the single life and she's got friends around her that can influence her to do things that she would never normally do. Don't take her PAST actions at face value.

 

Now, it wouldn't surprise me if she tries to throw out some "breadcrumbs" every once in a while. Basically, she's not done playing the field, but she wants you waiting on the sidelines. Which, isn't fair to you. So, you need to ignore those breadcrumb texts. The "How are u?" or "I miss you" texts...those would be breadcrumbs. Okay, so what? You miss me. Big deal. I miss football season. Those are only breadcrumbs AND NOT WORTH RESPONDING TO!! It's not an apology and a desire to come back. So, you need to ignore those.

 

She needs to see what life is going to be like without you in it. If you respond to texts and messages....well, you're not really out of her life, now are you. She won't miss you. She gets her ego boost and her Brennen fix. Now, she's good and can go flirting out in the clubs.

 

You need to start living your life as if she isn't coming back. Because, chances are, she's not. Here's the rub right now, YOUR SINGLE!! You know this because she's living the single life right now. So, start living your life as a single person.

[Simon Phoenix]

You never answered why she doesn't a) have a job or b) go to school. And you haven't had sex for six months?

[Brennen A]

We only have one vehicle. I am working two jobs to keep us on our feet. That answers both questions for school and work.

 

No before she left she was craving me. We had sex 7 times in the three days she was there. Her friends are influencing her to do and say stuff. Her actions aren't her at all, she is acting way out of her norm. I am really worried about her!

 

I can't text her because I want her to have her space and peace right now. She need's to find herself again. (Again, these were her exact words. "I need to find myself again. I love you so much, please support me so I can come back and we can have everything figured out!")

 

She left me a list of ten things to work on so when we get back together we will have them figured out. One of them was for me to actually listen and not chose to what I am hearing. I didn't listen, I kept calling her and texting her. This is what has made her mad and say the things she said. She said she is so mad at me for not actually listening to what "HER" needs are. She said I am so focused on my needs that I don't tend to hers.

[siankat]

oops, didnt read the most recent post

[Simon Phoenix]

We only have one vehicle. I am working two jobs to keep us on our feet. That answers both questions for school and work.

 

No before she left she was craving me. We had sex 7 times in the three days she was there. Her friends are influencing her to do and say stuff. Her actions aren't her at all, she is acting way out of her norm. I am really worried about her!

 

I can't text her because I want her to have her space and peace right now. She need's to find herself again. (Again, these were her exact words. "I need to find myself again. I love you so much, please support me so I can come back and we can have everything figured out!")

 

She left me a list of ten things to work on so when we get back together we will have them figured out. One of them was for me to actually listen and not chose to what I am hearing. I didn't listen, I kept calling her and texting her. This is what has made her mad and say the things she said. She said she is so mad at me for not actually listening to what "HER" needs are. She said I am so focused on my needs that I don't tend to hers.

 

Why wouldn't she take a bus to go to class? Or to work? Or car pool? I mean, you guys are young and unmarried, there's no reason for you to be a one-income household. That's absurd. Get your girl a car and a job or an education first and foremost. I just don't even know why you thought this living/work situation was viable.

[Brennen A]

Simon,

 

I came on here for advice. Not to be lectured and ridiculed! If you don't have any advice, don't post.

 

I am working on getting her a car, she is gone right now and I need to work on her feelings and how to show her things are better now and will be fixed.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon,

 

I came on here for advice. Not to be lectured and ridiculed! If you don't have any advice, don't post.

 

I am working on getting her a car, she is gone right now and I need to work on her feelings and how to show her things are better now and will be fixed.

 

Don't be defensive, arrogant and whiny. I brought that up because her having cabin fever and nothing to do is probably a huge reason why you are in your current predicament. It was just a bad plan of attack, especially at your age. If you have any shot of actually maintaining anything if you get back together with her, she needs to have a job or at least be going to class. Something to focus her excess energy on. And you don't need a car for either of those things, a bus or even a ride would be sufficient.

 

But yeah, people are going to give their opinions and they are going to be frank opinions that you might not want to hear. Don't take your ball and go home.

[Brennen A]

I'm not be arrogant and whiny. I am just frustrated right now!

 

I miss her, and can't help to think if she misses me. I have been in no contact with her for two days now. I am trying to keep busy with work and activities to keep myself from staring at my phone waiting on a text or call.

 

I made a commitment to her that I loved her. When I asked her to marry me it was because I was going to stand by her through think and thin. Now, if I just gave up and let her go wouldn't prove my love and affection towards this girl. I wont go without a fight for her!

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not be arrogant and whiny. I am just frustrated right now!

 

I miss her, and can't help to think if she misses me. I have been in no contact with her for two days now. I am trying to keep busy with work and activities to keep myself from staring at my phone waiting on a text or call.

 

I made a commitment to her that I loved her. When I asked her to marry me it was because I was going to stand by her through think and thin. Now, if I just gave up and let her go wouldn't prove my love and affection towards this girl. I wont go without a fight for her!

 

Fighting isn't the play right now dude. Unfortunately, you have to hang back and concentrate on yourself. Nothing you can do right now can bring her back -- all it can do is drive her away. Keep yourself busy, work on what you need to work on and let her figure out her own stuff. No matter what you do, do not contact or pressure her.

[Brennen A]

Thank you, I appreciate your help. I will keep myself posted!

[Chi townD]

 

 

She left me a list of ten things to work on so when we get back together we will have them figured out. One of them was for me to actually listen and not chose to what I am hearing. I didn't listen, I kept calling her and texting her. This is what has made her mad and say the things she said. She said she is so mad at me for not actually listening to what "HER" needs are. She said I am so focused on my needs that I don't tend to hers.

 

WAIT A DAMN SECOND!!!! She left you a list of 10 things YOU need to work on? REALLY?!?!? Please tell me that's a joke...... If it's not, then that pisses me off!

 

Basically, you're supposed to work on the problems that SHE'S bothered with about you. Essentially, molding you into the type of boyfriend SHE wants; hence, you need to change into something that you're not to pacify her. In the meantime, she gets to go out on dates and parties with her friends and go to clubs while she expects you to sit and home and reflect on those 10 things.

 

This was supposed to be a relationship where the two parties work on the issues together! A relationship is a partnership and one should never expect a person to change the way he or she is fundamentally to fit their needs. A person changes themselves for themselves and themselves alone. Their partner supports them in their decision and reaps the benefits of that change (or hates them for it, depending what the change is).

 

So, if you ever see her again, I hope that you have that list of 10 things with you. Then, I want you to make a paper airplane out of that list and tell her to turn around and bend over. Then, I want you to see how far you can throw that paper airplane up her ass!

 

That got me spun up!

 

Dude, make positive changes in your life FOR YOURSELF! Screw her list of 10 things. Make changes in your life that are going to make YOU happy.

[Brennen A]

She had me make a list of things wrong as well though! It was a mutual decision between the both of us. She wants me to go out and have fun, while she finds herself.

 

I have made a decision. If she doesn't contact me by Monday, the 27th. I will be ending it entirely between us face to face. She hasn't ended it with me, she just said she needs space to find herself again and socialize. (Which I understand with her being trapped in the apartment for so long).

 

I haven't contacted her since the 22nd, its the 25th today. Monday will be the 27th, I think that is a good amount of space to make a decision whether you love someone or now don't you think?

 

I know for a fact that I love her, but I am not going to be her security blanket when she gets done being a "free 21 year old"

[Simon Phoenix]

She had me make a list of things wrong as well though! It was a mutual decision between the both of us. She wants me to go out and have fun, while she finds herself.

 

I have made a decision. If she doesn't contact me by Monday, the 27th. I will be ending it entirely between us face to face. She hasn't ended it with me, she just said she needs space to find herself again and socialize. (Which I understand with her being trapped in the apartment for so long).

 

I haven't contacted her since the 22nd, its the 25th today. Monday will be the 27th, I think that is a good amount of space to make a decision whether you love someone or now don't you think?

 

I know for a fact that I love her, but I am not going to be her security blanket when she gets done being a "free 21 year old"

 

Bad idea. First of all, she already ended it -- desiring space is equal to a breakup. You making some ridiculous statement just comes off as goofy. Just be quiet and just do things for yourself. No declarations of anything -- completely unnecessary and completely counterproductive.

 

Plus, five days, really?? That's clingy as hell. Just let her do her and you do you. Obviously you shouldn't be her security blanket, but five days of space isn't anything. It's an extended weekend. Don't say a word either way.

[Brennen A]

I am just going to ignore her from now on. Like china town said.

 

She is going to realize she has lost all of me by her own actions. She'll either want me back or not. In the mean time I am taking a vacation and meeting some nice girls.

[ExpatInItaly]

You make a lot of excuses for her...her friends are influencing her, you didn't listen to her, she can't get a job or go to school because she doesn't have a car?! That last one is absurd. Really. For whatever reason, she doesn't WANT to work or go to school; if she did, she'd find a way to get there just like the rest of the world does. Please don't accept that pathetic excuse any longer. No job and no academic prospects are NOT symbols of success.

 

Anyway, do as everyone else has suggested. Leave her alone. Don't contact her, don't bother ending it with her on the 27th. She already left you, what's there to end? She wants space, so give it to her. You repeatedly say that you know she loves you, but her actions aren't really consistent with that. Follow through with your plan to take a vacation and meet some new people. Your ex-fiance isn't ready to be married or even in a committed relationship, plain and simple.

[Chi townD]

I am just going to ignore her from now on. Like china town said.

 

She is going to realize she has lost all of me by her own actions. She'll either want me back or not. In the mean time I am taking a vacation and meeting some nice girls.

 

That's what I want to hear!!!!! Good for you! Life doesn't stop because she left!

 

Go out! HAVE FUN!!!!

 

P.S. China Town? LOL!

[LostOne1]

Okay....but the only chance you got is NO CONTACT! She's got to realize that you are gone! You are not in her life by her own choice so she can "Find herself" Which is the most frickin stupid thing I've EVER heard of.

 

Sorry, I don't care what you think. Right now, she's living the single life and she's got friends around her that can influence her to do things that she would never normally do. Don't take her PAST actions at face value.

 

Now, it wouldn't surprise me if she tries to throw out some "breadcrumbs" every once in a while. Basically, she's not done playing the field, but she wants you waiting on the sidelines. Which, isn't fair to you. So, you need to ignore those breadcrumb texts. The "How are u?" or "I miss you" texts...those would be breadcrumbs. Okay, so what? You miss me. Big deal. I miss football season. Those are only breadcrumbs AND NOT WORTH RESPONDING TO!! It's not an apology and a desire to come back. So, you need to ignore those.

 

She needs to see what life is going to be like without you in it. If you respond to texts and messages....well, you're not really out of her life, now are you. She won't miss you. She gets her ego boost and her Brennen fix. Now, she's good and can go flirting out in the clubs.

 

You need to start living your life as if she isn't coming back. Because, chances are, she's not. Here's the rub right now, YOUR SINGLE!! You know this because she's living the single life right now. So, start living your life as a single person.

If only that had made sense to me a year ago....

 

Now after 1 year what you say is soo true.

 

I was on the side line with my ex after she left me. She was scouting other guys to poentiantally replace me with... and when she found the guy she wanted space to spend time with him.

 

Overtime she decided it was the right thing to do and replaced me permanently. I don't ever expect my ex to come back to me, and shes to stubborn to realize things too.

 

I agree with you.. there are SO many girls out there looking for an awesome guy. That it's funny how we get hung up on one girl our ex!

 

I personally think it's because we get used to a system or format with that person. A routine I guess and when it breaks it's hard for the body and mind to adjust.

 

After a year I'm feeling good without my ex, but I DO miss having someone around. I guess which is why I've been looking at other girls and talking etc..

 

But I totally agree with you... if the girl wants to go. Next time I'd just let her go and never look back. I deserve some respect from my girl and if she can't give it to me. Then she isn't worth my time.

 

And if she can't even respect me enough to have the guts she is cheating on me or wants out but leads me on. Then it's sad to know she only respects me that much.