Tried contacting an ex from 4 years ago...

[SmoothSauce]

Hey everyone,

 

I stumbled upon this site when searching Google for what to do with my situation, so I figured I would make my own post. I am a 22 year old man that just graduated undergrad and am about to go to dental school. I should be extremely happy right now in my life and not worrying about something like this but I need to figure it out.

 

4 years ago I was dumped by the love of my life. Me and her did everything together, and sync'd very well in conversation, were very intimate during our time together. We were best friends before dating. We had dated for ~3 years the summer before freshman year of undergraduate school, had plans to move into the same dorm and she decided she wanted a break for a week, and during that break she "cheated" on me. Yes we were on a break but the point of the break was obviously because of this other guy that she wanted to hook up with. She wanted me back really bad after that incident and I wanted her too so we tried to have a relationship. However it once again failed, as I was not able/ready to forgive her and she was still unsure of her feelings. At this point she also found out about a girl that I made out with that I worked with a year prior....I wish I would've been honest and told her about that when I had the chance. I obviously made my mistakes too and was too much of a wimp to fess up, even when she was finally honest about cheating on me.

 

We tried to be friends whenever we moved into college (in the same dormitory building, what a painful experience) but found out quickly that it wasn't going to work like that. She quickly got over me but I wasn't able to get over her. I became annoyingly clingy and tried so hard to convince her to give it another shot that it was actually pathetic, I am pretty sure that I broke all of the rules of being attractive as a male and pushed her away from me even further -- to the point where she wanted no contact whatsoever. It was such a painful experience, I joined a fraternity and started drinking a lot and smoking cigarettes...When i would stand outside of my dormitory building smoking a cigarette I would always see her walking back with a guy or two to enter the building. It was uncomfortable and obviously made me more upset. She also began smoking a lot of marijuana with several guys. I suffered from insomnia during this time and would skip all of my morning classes. Now that I look back I know that I was clinically depressed, but sadly I didn't do anything about it or talk to anyone. I had made friends but would seldom go out and was only happy when I was really drunk and lose my inhibitions. I would always drunk text her and try to see her or even try to make her jealous but it just worsened everything...Now that I look back it was so stupid to do that. I made her resent me and when she would see me on campus she would try to hide from me. I would have months where I didn't try to contact her and would become stronger. But it always came back to me messing it up again. I remember seeing her on campus walking with one of her girlfriends (after 2 months of NC and not running into each other) and saying "hey!" in a friendly voice walking by, and she looked at me like I was stupid and like she didn't know me....It made me feel terrible.

 

We were only at the same college for 2 years and I had transferred to another college. So we have had 2 years of not seeing each other or trying to contact each other. She is still with the same boyfriend. During the last 4 years I have not dated a single girl, and have only had girls that are only interested in hooking up and not a relationship - which is okay, but I think it has something to do with me and trust issues and my blown confidence showing.

 

After several ignored calls and texts, it eventually came to a point where I couldn't stand being so into someone who doesn't care one bit about me. I decided to do NC when I transferred to my new college and sent her a final text that was actually really nice and friendly, had nothing to do with getting back together just a farewell and an apology for being the way that I was. She didn't respond (as I expected).

 

I was still angry deep down, and did not trust women, but I used that energy for good by deciding on a career that I knew would one day treat me and some new woman well.. I began getting all A's and set forth on becoming a dentist. I made tons of friends and had a lot of support and involvement, however I still drank but had quit smoking cigarettes for the most part. Some part of myself always felt like it was still missing though. I pushed through and got an acceptance to dental school and now I am sitting here typing this story. I still have had no girlfriends during this exciting time of my life, and had problems developing relationships with females that was deeper than friendship (as soon as relationships would exceed friendship I would get really weird and mess it up), and still had trust issues. However this was all kind of a fog in my head, unnoticed in the midst of all of the things going on in my life - I always blamed the relationship not working out on the girl and not on myself and continued to study excessively and drink. I have always thought about sending my ex a text to say Hi though and just see how she is doing...however was scared that even after 2 years of NC she might not respond and ignore me and thought it was a pointless endeavor.

 

Now that school is over and I have no classes to worry about or career decisions to decide on, I am pondering on why I can't seem to become the man that I used to be socially. I used to have no problem talking to women and would do fine making new relationships.

 

She found a new boyfriend in that first year and was completely over me, yet I had failed at every step of moving on to another woman. Now that I think about all of this, I think that I have periods of anxiety still from our breakup 4 years ago..Where I feel like I am not worthy of even being a part of some friendships or that nobody really wants to talk to me. It still effects me and makes me feel like I am not worthy of having a relationship like that again - or that even if I get lucky enough to have one that it will eventually fail and make me go through all of that pain again. I feel like I need to face the problem somehow. So...I decided last night to text her and just ask her how things have been and what undergrad degree she graduated with, just a chill, short, friendly conversation. So I said "Hey, how have you been?" - No response. I am upset about the fact that she still wants NC after 2 years of NC...I just wanted to say hi...life is short ya know?

 

So if you read all of my story up until this point, thanks for listening to me vent about my problems. I have a few questions:

 

1.) Was it a bad idea to text her?

 

2.) Is there something I can do about my problems with trusting women? And about the anxiety?

 

3.) If you were her, why the complete exclusion still of me from your life? Do I have a chance of ever being friends with her again?

 

I know you may not be able to answer these since you weren't a part of our relationship...but I can answer any questions to help clarify what happened. I think that her accepting me as a friend would help me a lot with my problems because I am often full of guilt and feel like im not worthy of a friendship, so I would really appreciate any help. Thanks!

Edited May 23, 2013 by SmoothSauce

[HumptyDumpty]

Well...

if I were your ex, I'd probably have changed phone & number in 2 years! With those offers and phones nowadays, even 2 years seem a bit long...

So she might have gotten or not your text!

 

But is this really important?

I mean, obviously this girl is bad for you! You were hurt and you're still hung up on her! Why hang on to a person who rejects you? But yeah, the good old times... you sure you're not hung up on the happy memories rather than her as a person? A lot of time has passed and she will have changed anyway...

You could surely write a message on facebook, or somewhere where she might be online regularly just to be a 100% sure she received the message, if it's meant to be, it'll work out! But you're still hung up on false hope and ideas in your head, it's no good!

 

I guess nobody can replace a therapy for you here, there are professionals out there!

But what I would recommend is you take up something new! You always wanted to play the violin? Buy one and learn it, sign up to lessons! Same for languages... Sport, get your gear and just start! Do something new, just get your mind completely off this all, especially her! Appreciate being single, to be able to work on yourself and treating yourself

 

But you need to understand: you can't force someone to love you. It's impossible (luckily)! You can reach out, but it won't change anything if she's not interested, you have to respect this as sad as it might be!

So, don't make yourself suffer like this, it's not even her anymore but you putting yourself down and you don't deserve this

 

Good luck

[aisuru]

I think you know it's time to let her go... Put yourself first. It sounds like you have so much going for you and are using her as a crutch to not move on in relationships. You deserve to have a great relationship where feelings are reciprocated.

[SmoothSauce]

Well...

if I were your ex, I'd probably have changed phone & number in 2 years! With those offers and phones nowadays, even 2 years seem a bit long...

So she might have gotten or not your text!

 

But is this really important?

I mean, obviously this girl is bad for you! You were hurt and you're still hung up on her! Why hang on to a person who rejects you? But yeah, the good old times... you sure you're not hung up on the happy memories rather than her as a person? A lot of time has passed and she will have changed anyway...

You could surely write a message on facebook, or somewhere where she might be online regularly just to be a 100% sure she received the message, if it's meant to be, it'll work out! But you're still hung up on false hope and ideas in your head, it's no good!

 

I guess nobody can replace a therapy for you here, there are professionals out there!

But what I would recommend is you take up something new! You always wanted to play the violin? Buy one and learn it, sign up to lessons! Same for languages... Sport, get your gear and just start! Do something new, just get your mind completely off this all, especially her! Appreciate being single, to be able to work on yourself and treating yourself

 

But you need to understand: you can't force someone to love you. It's impossible (luckily)! You can reach out, but it won't change anything if she's not interested, you have to respect this as sad as it might be!

So, don't make yourself suffer like this, it's not even her anymore but you putting yourself down and you don't deserve this

 

Good luck

Thank you for the response. I think you are right that she may have changed her number but I am not going to dig deep enough to find out whether it was that or that she actually ignored me. However you are also right that I may be thinking off of false hope by texting her. I am telling myself that I just want to be friends with her but talking to her again could stir up old feelings or start this whole cycle over again that I finally got out of. I just feel like finding out that she no longer has hard feelings would make me feel better because that's what really gets me. Life is to short to be mad forever..

 

I think you know it's time to let her go... Put yourself first. It sounds like you have so much going for you and are using her as a crutch to not move on in relationships. You deserve to have a great relationship where feelings are reciprocated.

 

Thanks! I really hope I can find one like that again.

[Jono85]

i understand what you're going through. it's the worst. it really is. when someone that was so intimate and close with you, doesn't even want to talk to you anymore and in their mind they don't care to ever talk to you again in life. I'm 6 months NC with my ex, and it was similar in the sense where I wanted to keep working on things, and tried to convince her we could still have an amazing relationship, etc, but she just had no desire to. She had feelings for another guy, and I wasn't even a thought in her new life. In March i sent her a belated happy bday (i didn't want to msg her on her day in case it would anger her or something' that literally said "happy belated bday _____, all the best". not even a simple thank you. it was my way of telling her i'm over things, i just want to be friendly and lay the groundwork for maybe becoming friends one day. obviously she doesn't care about that. that's fine. i'm never breaking NC again.

 

i think you need to do the same. you still hold a flame for her, and you probably will until you meet someone that makes you forget about her. and you will. trust that. you're only 22 for god sake. and dental school is awesome man. you're so far ahead of the game you don't even realize it. you will one day. i'm turning 28 in september, and going back to finish my last semester of undergrad either in the fall or winter (long story as to why i didn't finish 5 yrs ago) so things could be much worse. and i'm sure, likewise, things could be much worse than my situation.

 

but please man, don't contact her anymore. she doesn't deserve it. who knows, maybe years down the road, or even less, she contacts you when she's broken hearted from her bf. and you might not even want to give her the time of day after wisening up and realizing she hasn't cared about you for years, at least not enough to matter.

 

whetther you should have sent it or not? who cares. i think you should have b/c you wanted to. it was just a light friendly email like you said, after 2 fricken years. but now you know where she stands. or like someone else said, MAYBE she didn't get it, but as you said, do NOT concern yourself with that. she will find a way to get into contact with you some day if she actually wants to.

 

good luck in your journey and dental school. the girls will FLOW like stupid later, esp for a dentist. my ex was a dental assistant lol and she's told me stories. anyway, focus on school/career/hobbies. when you're ready, date.

[SmoothSauce]

i understand what you're going through. it's the worst. it really is. when someone that was so intimate and close with you, doesn't even want to talk to you anymore and in their mind they don't care to ever talk to you again in life. I'm 6 months NC with my ex, and it was similar in the sense where I wanted to keep working on things, and tried to convince her we could still have an amazing relationship, etc, but she just had no desire to. She had feelings for another guy, and I wasn't even a thought in her new life. In March i sent her a belated happy bday (i didn't want to msg her on her day in case it would anger her or something' that literally said "happy belated bday _____, all the best". not even a simple thank you. it was my way of telling her i'm over things, i just want to be friendly and lay the groundwork for maybe becoming friends one day. obviously she doesn't care about that. that's fine. i'm never breaking NC again.

 

i think you need to do the same. you still hold a flame for her, and you probably will until you meet someone that makes you forget about her. and you will. trust that. you're only 22 for god sake. and dental school is awesome man. you're so far ahead of the game you don't even realize it. you will one day. i'm turning 28 in september, and going back to finish my last semester of undergrad either in the fall or winter (long story as to why i didn't finish 5 yrs ago) so things could be much worse. and i'm sure, likewise, things could be much worse than my situation.

 

but please man, don't contact her anymore. she doesn't deserve it. who knows, maybe years down the road, or even less, she contacts you when she's broken hearted from her bf. and you might not even want to give her the time of day after wisening up and realizing she hasn't cared about you for years, at least not enough to matter.

 

whetther you should have sent it or not? who cares. i think you should have b/c you wanted to. it was just a light friendly email like you said, after 2 fricken years. but now you know where she stands. or like someone else said, MAYBE she didn't get it, but as you said, do NOT concern yourself with that. she will find a way to get into contact with you some day if she actually wants to.

 

good luck in your journey and dental school. the girls will FLOW like stupid later, esp for a dentist. my ex was a dental assistant lol and she's told me stories. anyway, focus on school/career/hobbies. when you're ready, date.

 

Thanks for the reply. I am sorry about your current situation, it is a ****ty feeling breaking NC and getting blown off...I did it repeatedly in my first two years of college and just made myself feel like crap for it. It just makes me think of how much I would have to not care about someone to just ignore their text..

 

But really it doesn't matter. What matters is staying focused on school/career/bettering yourself. I think that's why I'm thinking about her again now, bc I am no longer busy as hell.

 

Going back to finish school will be great; you will definitely be busy, will be bettering yourself, and who knows you may meet someone special. 29 is still a young age to graduate. Good luck, I appreciate the advice.

[SuperGeek]

I'm three years post-relationship myself and sometimes I think about contacting the ex. Then I slap myself and remember all the pain she put me through. It will never work at this point, even if she realized she screwed up (she would never admit it even if she did come to that conclusion). She crossed a line and I could never trust her at this point and that isn't fair to me or to her. I'm guessing the same is probably true for you as well if you really were honest about it.

 

You will never have a good feeling about your ex. A part of you will always ache about it. The ache will become less and less as times goes on and will eventually reach indifference. I'm 98% to the point of indifference now though I still have my bad days every 3-4 months.

 

Also realize that most women have LOTS of guys hitting on them daily, so you are not likely in her thoughts at all. If you were, you would have heard from her by now. Four years is a long time, she could be married with kids by now.

 

You gotta let it go man.

Edited May 25, 2013 by SuperGeek

[okiedokie]

Listen my friend, contacting her after such a long time apart is a losing proposition. Take it from me, I've been there. Listen to the advise given here it's all good. We simply don't have enough time to learn all the lessons in life we need to learn by ourselves, so we need to learn from the experiences of others and avoid making the kinds of mistakes they made, but, learn the lessons offered that were hard learned for them as shared here.

 

Don't allow false hope to bate you on b/c it is you doing this to yourself and not her. The thing you need to keep in mind is that 4 years have passed and you don't know this woman any longer and she doesn't know you either. I understand that a relationship that ended without real closure is hard to overcome...I know this b/c it happened to me. You have to learn that closure is something you give yourself out of the hand you were dealt. The fact that she has not responded to your attempts at contact, shows that she is not interested. To me, this is your closure and you must learn to accept it.

 

It sounds like you have a really great future ahead of you. Even if it doesn't include her it can still be amazing. You will find someone else, but, first you need to work on yourself to let go of her and eventually you will find someone special and you can be emotionally available to her. You have a lot of amazing things to offer another gal, perhaps you just need to reacquaint yourself with these qualities.

Edited May 27, 2013 by okiedokie

[SmoothSauce]

I'm three years post-relationship myself and sometimes I think about contacting the ex. Then I slap myself and remember all the pain she put me through. It will never work at this point, even if she realized she screwed up (she would never admit it even if she did come to that conclusion). She crossed a line and I could never trust her at this point and that isn't fair to me or to her. I'm guessing the same is probably true for you as well if you really were honest about it.

 

You will never have a good feeling about your ex. A part of you will always ache about it. The ache will become less and less as times goes on and will eventually reach indifference. I'm 98% to the point of indifference now though I still have my bad days every 3-4 months.

 

Also realize that most women have LOTS of guys hitting on them daily, so you are not likely in her thoughts at all. If you were, you would have heard from her by now. Four years is a long time, she could be married with kids by now.

 

You gotta let it go man.

 

Listen my friend, contacting her after such a long time apart is a losing proposition. Take it from me, I've been there. Listen to the advise given here it's all good. We simply don't have enough time to learn all the lessons in life we need to learn by ourselves, so we need to learn from the experiences of others and avoid making the kinds of mistakes they made, but, learn the lessons offered that were hard learned for them as shared here.

 

Don't allow false hope to bate you on b/c it is you doing this to yourself and not her. The thing you need to keep in mind is that 4 years have passed and you don't know this woman any longer and she doesn't know you either. I understand that a relationship that ended without real closure is hard to overcome...I know this b/c it happened to me. You have to learn that closure is something you give yourself out of the hand you were dealt. The fact that she has not responded to your attempts at contact, shows that she is not interested. To me, this is your closure and you must learn to accept it.

 

It sounds like you have a really great future ahead of you. Even if it doesn't include her it can still be amazing. You will find someone else, but, first you need to work on yourself to let go of her and eventually you will find someone special and you can be emotionally available to her. You have a lot of amazing things to offer another gal, perhaps you just need to reacquaint yourself with these qualities.

 

Thanks for the responses and the encouraging words guys.