LDR dealing with friends of the opposite sex

[xorro]

Hi all!

I've got a r/s problem that I just can't stop dwelling on.. I'd love some input from others. I'd like to know how you interpret the following, and how you'd deal with it

So I'm in a LDR, and have been for a few years. We have some problems but we get on well.

My b/f called me the other morning, and he was slightly drunk from the night before. (I don't drink like that, so that's one of the big issues between us).

He was in a great mood. He told me he'd been to a dinner party the night before, hosted by a couple he's close with. He was very excited because he brought a female co-worker he's friends with. I've never met her, but he has told me a lot about her. She is married.

But here's where it started getting weird- almost verbatim, he said he'd been trying for ages to get her out to meet his friends. She's practically his "new best friend". He was so happy she'd agreed to come, they loved her immediately, just like they loved me when we met. He continued to tell me they were like one person- that they practically share a brain, and that people are always saying that. But she's so much more intelligent. They had an amazing time.

I asked how he got home, and he said they both stayed at the host couple's house. Together, on the couch. Seriously! Apparently they were just that drunk. He said of course nothing happened, without me asking. Because she's married, you know, and he wouldn't be calling me about it.

 

I do think it crosses a line to get drunk with a friend of the opposite sex, and have them share a couch with you. I also think that his comments about how close they are, were indicative of some deeper feelings. I couldn't believe he would say all that to me, and it was very hurtful. I try hard not to be a jealous person, but that was thrown in my face. Also, he had previously told me I was his best friend. So it's a little offensive to be told about a "new best friend" who's "practically the same person". Not to mention how he likened introducing her to his friends to introducing his gf to his friends.

 

I emailed him, basically saying that he needs to think about how he feels about her. After the conversation, he needs to think about whether he would like to be with her if she were single. If the answer is 'yes' then he shouldn't be with me. I don't want to be someone's 2nd choice because pick #1 is unavailable.

I guess that's a really direct approach. Too much?? I probably overreact, but I have a feeling most women would feel the same.

I do trust him that nothing happened, but I also feel that forming a deep emotional involvement with another woman is harmful to our relationship, and that's what I'm seeing here. I also think there's only so many drunk nights you can spend with someone before something does happen.

[justwhoiam]

Too much??

Not at all. You were controlled in your reaction.

 

I probably overreact, but I have a feeling most women would feel the same.

Totally.

[umirano]

I think you handled it well. If he tries to weasel his way out, make it crystal clear to him: You don't want to be second choice.

 

I agree with you, he crossed a line. There are so many options:

 

 

• Not getting drunk
  
• Getting her a cab to her house
  
• Getting him a cab to his house
  
• Both getting a cab to their respective houses
  
• Not sleeping on the same couch
  

It's very sweet that they have the "same brain". Not really appropriate to rub it into your face though. Maybe you bring up a few compliments that you get next time you talk to him, just to see how much he likes hearing that.

 

 

Good luck to you!

[xorro]

Thanks guys.

I tend to be a push-over, so that may be why he didn't feel it was necessary to choose any of the rational solutions.. Kind of crazy none of that occurred to him. It does make me feel that if he really respected me, he would know not to jeopardize our relationship like that. I'm trying really hard to be more assertive, as this is not the first insensitive thing he's done, though it is the first situation of this nature (I hope).

[umirano]

I tend to be a push-over, so that may be why he didn't feel it was necessary to choose any of the rational solutions..

 

I'm sorry, that does not make sense to me. How does you being a push-over make it ok for him to pass out drunk with some married chick on a friend's couch?

[xorro]

It doesn't make it ok for him to do that, but he may have expected I wouldn't say anything. I think a lot of people only choose to avoid doing something wrong or immoral because it could have bad consequences for them. I think it didn't occur to him that I would get this pissed off.. which just shows how obtuse he can be.

From his standpoint, she's married and it wasn't cheating, so it's ok.

To me it's definitely in the greyzone, and the fact that he would do that without a 2nd thought shows that I've been too tolerant for a long time.

Also, he was still drunk when he called me, so I bet he told me more than he would've had he been sober.

I'm just realizing that if I want this relationship to keep going, I need to establish stronger boundaries. So it's clear that if he chooses to do something like that again, he's making a choice he knows is hurtful to me and will jeopardize our relationship.

[umirano]

All right, I like your approach. Don't give in.

[xorro]

Will not give in! I'm generally a too nice person. I need to stick to my guns. I'm really glad you could help validate my feelings. He hasn't replied to me, and that's just making me feel more angry and uncomfortable. Maybe he thinks this will just go away in a few days? Ha. The male brain is a mystery.

(a very small part of me desperately wants to publicly flirt with this girl's husband)

[NeverADullMoment]

Said in an excited voice: "Hey babe...guess what? I got wasted last night with my new female best friend that's married and we slept together on the couch! Whaddya think of that??"

 

SERIOUSLY??? I think you showed a LOT of restraint! OMG, I was SOOO mad just reading your post and that was BEFORE I got to the part about passing out drunk on the couch together! :mad::mad:

 

I'm sorry but if my man called and started gushing about how great some other woman was, I'd be calling BS on that right away! It doesn't matter if she's married! Like married women don't have affairs??? Gimme a break! It was totally and completely 100% inappropriate.

 

I guess the only good that came out of it is that he was drunk enough to call you and spill the beans so you know. Unbelievable. I wonder how he's going to try to weasel his way out of that....and how the hell would he feel if you told him the same story....that YOU thought some guy was SO awesome and you were out drinking with him....??