plainjane79 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 So in the aftermath of another recent break up, thought I'd check in here and get some thoughts since I'm feeling a bit down and disappointed. I was dating a guy for a couple of months, though we were acquaintances for several years. We had nearly everything in common and he seemed very interested in dating me lately, but though he initiated most of the contact and the physical intimacy from the start, he was never able to "perform" in the bedroom. He told me it had happened before, and that he had even sought professional help for this issue in the past but that he had eventually given up when nothing worked. I asked if the problem might go away as he got to know me and got more comfortable, and he said yes. So I resolved to see what happened and not ask too many questions. We began making progress but were never able to quite get to "home base." I stopped initiating any physical intimacy, hoping not to pressure him and still wanting to see if things went anywhere. Finally, after a couple weeks of hand holding and cuddling while watching TV and sleeping in the same bed, he began to act distant in the other aspects of the relationship too. I asked if he enjoyed my company anymore and he said that he loved spending time with me but that "sexually, it just wasn't there." We parted on good terms. He's a really cool guy and a great potential friend, and I wish things had turned out differently. I just don't really understand what happened here. Isn't lack of sexual attraction something that should be apparent early on? If he didn't find me sexually appealing, why come on so strong physically at the beginning? Is this the same thing as not being physically attracted to someone? Etc. etc. Any thoughts about what happened here? Feeling lonely and disappointed today.....
targaryen Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 hey, i can't really speak for the guy since i've never had the same problem, but i believe the 'coming on strong' at the beginning was him hoping to 'barrage' over his problem. The point is, it's his problem (since it happened before) and whether physical or psychological, you have nothing to do with it and shouldn't feel bad or unattractive...
AsonUnique Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I'm sure not being able to perform is tough on his ego. It may have built up and started to bother him in all areas of the relationship. There was this one girl that I was physically attracted to and for whatever reason I performed horribly the first time. I was so worried about making up for it that I got anxiety around her. We only dated briefly as we both ended up dating someone else, so I never got another chance. I'm trying extra hard not to generalize anybody, especially my own gender, but men tend to get physical as fast as the females allow. Not all men of course. Maybe he wanted to see if he'd be able to perform with you and is just too embarrassed that he couldn't? Sorry it didn't work out, you seem like a really nice and understanding lady.
PogoStick Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 It's easier to blame it on lack of attraction with you than to accept it's his problem.
spiderowl Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 It may well be a pattern for him - coming on strong in the hope that this time he won't have the problem, having the problem, the girl backing off and just cuddling instead because she's frustrated with the whole thing, and then him starting to 'finish' it before she does by indicating he's not feeling it sexually. I doubt it's anything to do with you. Maybe he has some deep-seated psychosexual problem or is bi or something and struggling to cope with mixed feelings. So sorry you've been affected like this. I'm sure with someone else you'll recover your confidence, once you realise it was him and no you.
Author plainjane79 Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. I just wish if it was an issue beyond me, he liked me enough to be willing to try and deal with it. Oh well!
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