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Why does the impression of her/his friends matter so much?

Fondue

By Fondue
in General Relationship Discussion

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Fondue Established Member

Fondue

Posted
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I never understood this.

 

Why does the opinion of her/his circle of friends matter to the person you are dating? I don't see this much with men, but I see it so often (and much from my own experience) with women. They really care about how you come off to her friends.

 

I personally don't give a ****. I don't understand why it should matter.

 

Maybe someone could shed some light on the subject. Why does this matter? Should it?

 

I'm going through it right now, a girl I am seeing really cares about this stuff and I'd simply like to have a better understanding.

Shepp Established Member

Shepp

Posted
Posted

I care about what my friends think -

they know me well & they want the best for me, so for me there opinion counts! like not if they were just moaning about little things - id tell them to do one. but if they really hated the girl id seriously double think our relationship!

Honour Member

Honour

Posted
Posted

In what way do you mean, exactly? Like to the extent that you'd ditch the girl/guy because your friends didn't like them, or let your friends be rude to them because you cared more about how your friends felt than you did about the girl/guy? Or just like always wanting to do stuff with friends and not just the girl/guy? Or what?

 

As for me, as much as I love my friends, if I'm with someone I feel is right for me, they can go hang as far as I'm concerned. They don't know what goes on between us, they don't know what needs he/she is satisfying for me. Unless they see abuse going on, then it's none of their business.

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PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

Posted
Posted

Because girls need other people to tell them what to think/feel.

 

Waiting for Teresa's tough girl response :p

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Fondue Established Member

Fondue

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Posted
In what way do you mean, exactly? Like to the extent that you'd ditch the girl/guy because your friends didn't like them, or let your friends be rude to them because you cared more about how your friends felt than you did about the girl/guy? Or just like always wanting to do stuff with friends and not just the girl/guy? Or what?

 

As for me, as much as I love my friends, if I'm with someone I feel is right for me, they can go hang as far as I'm concerned. They don't know what goes on between us, they don't know what needs he/she is satisfying for me. Unless they see abuse going on, then it's none of their business.

For example, the girl I am seeing right now made a point to later call me and elaborate on all the things that "embarrassed" her about my behavior after hanging out with her friends. Apparently she gave them the impression that I'm this super perfect specimen of a human being and that I brought a "different side" of myself when meeting them. She had spend the day considering whether or not I am someone she should continue to pursue because of how her friends felt about me.

 

I of course don't tolerate that kind of behavior or even think people should allow themselves to have their friends sway their opinion, so I am detaching myself and will be turning this into a casual sex relationship. I wonder if this is appropriate behavior, or should friend's opinion really matter that much? Maybe I'm overreacting?

crederer Established Member

crederer

Posted
Posted

What exactly did you do that bothered them?

 

Friends opinions do count, but I wouldn't let them dictate my life either. A lot of times friends can spot things that the person in the relationship doesn't because they are looking through rose colored glasses.

Honour Member

Honour

Posted
Posted

Well, without having been there, it's hard to say, I mean, did you like get drunk and hit on her best friend? Or was it like they started talking about Obama and you just kept kinda quiet?

 

What I do know is that from what little information we have, it seems like some impossibly high expectations were set up and if you didn't meet them, then screw you. Who wants to be subject to that kind of pressure? And what were the friends saying about you anyway?

 

It's like just how bad WAS it?

tbf Established Member

tbf

Posted
Posted
I never understood this.

 

Why does the opinion of her/his circle of friends matter to the person you are dating? I don't see this much with men, but I see it so often (and much from my own experience) with women. They really care about how you come off to her friends.

 

I personally don't give a ****. I don't understand why it should matter.

 

Maybe someone could shed some light on the subject. Why does this matter? Should it?

 

I'm going through it right now, a girl I am seeing really cares about this stuff and I'd simply like to have a better understanding.

It matters because it reduces the drama in the relationship and removes the need to keep separate, the partner and friends. If they're very close friends who the girl respects the opinion of, often enough, where there's smoke, there's fire. If the friends dislike the guy right out the gate, what are their reasons for it and are those reasons valid? When people are in the first phase of infatuation, they're wearing uber thick beer goggles. So it doesn't hurt to get objective opinions since friends aren't being flooded by feel-good hormones and are capable of perceiving the guy more clearly.
fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

Posted
Posted

Sometimes friends or family notice things that you don't when you're swept up in the rush of love/lust/like.

 

I remember the last girl I "dated" back in college. My friends, particularly one that I trust very much, said she seemed "shady". Wish I had listened instead of being too thick headed.

 

Anyway, that's why the impression of friends can matter sometimes. I mean if you're friends are being immature about it or something, I can see dismissing their thoughts. But if they're being sincere and mature and serious, might be something to what they're saying...

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Fondue Established Member

Fondue

Posted
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Posted
What exactly did you do that bothered them?

 

Friends opinions do count, but I wouldn't let them dictate my life either. A lot of times friends can spot things that the person in the relationship doesn't because they are looking through rose colored glasses.

 

Well, without having been there, it's hard to say, I mean, did you like get drunk and hit on her best friend? Or was it like they started talking about Obama and you just kept kinda quiet?

 

What I do know is that from what little information we have, it seems like some impossibly high expectations were set up and if you didn't meet them, then screw you. Who wants to be subject to that kind of pressure? And what were the friends saying about you anyway?

 

It's like just how bad WAS it?

 

It wasn't much of anything, really. From my point of view, I can say that I simply didn't click with her friends. We didn't have any similar interests or sense of humor. It was just difficult to communicate with any of them, as I had zero in common. WHat ended up happening is that was extremely polite to all of them, but simply kept quiet and did my own thing most of the time. It is very hard when everyone has inside jokes that they laugh about constantly and you're wondering, "uhhh, okay?" So I just kept to myself and maintained a courteous, yet very distant relationship with all of them.

 

According to her, I just acted "differently," and "callous." She said that I didn't allow for her friends to "connect" with me, and I came off very negative. From what she shared with me, she told them that I was very kind, very funny, thoughtful, and a "pleasure to be around." Clearly I didn't exemplify this when they met me? So then she got pissed, hahaha.

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Honour Member

Honour

Posted
Posted
Yeah, this is absurd.

 

If it were me, this girl just earned herself a trip to FWB-ville, while I search for a relationship.

 

 

Yeah, ditto.

 

And, for the record, what do YOUR friends think of HER?

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Fondue Established Member

Fondue

Posted
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Posted
Yeah, this is absurd.

 

If it were me, this girl just earned herself a trip to FWB-ville, while I search for a relationship.

 

This is essentially what I will be doing. That's kind of what I thought, it was unacceptable behavior on her part. I guess I was looking to see if my take on the subject was appropriate. Thanks for reaffirming me :).

 

Yeah, ditto.

 

And, for the record, what do YOUR friends think of HER?

I kind of keep my dating life and social circle very separate. Only one dude met her from my group of friends. He loved her. Thought she was great.

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Emeral Member

Emeral

Posted
Posted

i think it takes a woman to criticize another, guys are usually nice lol so introduce her to one of your female friends or sister or something

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