Give Me A Good Slap

[worldgonewrong]

OK, I've been dating this woman for 9 months now. We're practically living together, really. She treats me like a king, and I treat her like a queen. We really see a future together. Very much in sync with each other. (She & I are in our early 40's, btw.)

 

Here's my tiny mental stumbling block: before she met me, she was involved in an on-again/off-again relationship for about 5 years with a fellow literally old enough to be her father. In fact, older than her father. The relationship, by all accounts, was boring & unfulfilling.

 

Every so often, like .0001% of the time, I get these weird flare-ups thinking about her and that previous relationship.

a) that she let herself be used as some old guy's arm-candy;

b) that she obviously f##ked him;

c) that there's something low-self-esteem-y about that previous arrangement, and it makes my skin crawl. And makes me wonder if my 'self' in her eyes is over-magnified, because I'm younger, quicker of mind, and a better lover just by default (if that makes sense).

 

He, by the way, broke up with her -- like a gentleman, he did realize that he was stringing her along (offering no commitment) and set her free. She actually felt relieved, but her capacity to have continued on was evident despite her unhappiness.

 

Anyway, I'll stop here. Queue up single-file and slap me. I've got it GREAT and yet I have this weird 'thing' in my head.

[ChessPieceFace]

I don't see what's so horrible about a woman with an older man, and most people weren't virgins before you were with them. I think you need to get over it. If this ex is somehow in your life, then try to change that.

[dreamingoftigers]

So it's nagging at you because you are concerned about:

 

1. Her possibly having low self-esteem and hiding it.

2. Soldiering on with you even if she would be unhappy, bored, unfulfilled.

3. Maybe blindsiding you much like you W did?

 

Am I reading it all wrong?

[worldgonewrong]

DOT- God, I genuinely mean it, you're fantastic. All 3 of those points tie right back into my anxieties about my past relationship with the ex-W. Damn. I didn't see it before, but you nailed it.

When seen from that light, it's got nothing to do with her or an old boyfriend, whatsoever, and more to do with my own (almost?) healed wounds.

 

ChessPieceFace- You too are right, although I surely don't expect anyone to have remained a virgin into their 40s.

As for the ex being in her life, he's kept a respectful distance...I guess. He did mail her a perfunctory card to her at her workplace (as he didn't have her new address), just a "hope you're OK" thing. She immediately told me about it, which was honorable. Although the nagging thought in my pea brain was that he was beginning to regret things.

Then last week, he called her place (guess he dug up her number) to inform her that a mutual friend had suffered a medical setback. (I was in the next room, oblivious.) After she hung up, she immediately told me about the call. At first I did a sort of "Huh...", feeling a weird green-eyed-monster thing; I took a walk shortly after that, and straightened my head out.

[spiderowl]

She liked an older man; there's nothing wrong in that.

 

I wouldn't worry about being over-magnified in her mind, if I was you. You might be younger by default, but there is no default reason why you should be quicker of mind or a better lover. In fact, older men may be better lovers because they are not so desperate to just do what they want and have experience of pleasing women.

 

As an older woman, I have not found younger men to be of quicker mind or better lovers. I have found them to be more selfish and driven by hormones. I have also found them to be more disrespectful. In some of the chats I've had, I've found them to be rather dim and obsessed with sex. If a woman wants to have a good conversation - and many do, whatever their age - an older man is likely to be more interesting. In fact, one of the most interesting men I know I nearly 10 years older than me. Sadly, I don't fancy him, but he's just so interesting and funny that I really wish I did!

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT- God, I genuinely mean it, you're fantastic. All 3 of those points tie right back into my anxieties about my past relationship with the ex-W. Damn. I didn't see it before, but you nailed it.

When seen from that light, it's got nothing to do with her or an old boyfriend, whatsoever, and more to do with my own (almost?) healed wounds.

 

ChessPieceFace- You too are right, although I surely don't expect anyone to have remained a virgin into their 40s.

As for the ex being in her life, he's kept a respectful distance...I guess. He did mail her a perfunctory card to her at her workplace (as he didn't have her new address), just a "hope you're OK" thing. She immediately told me about it, which was honorable. Although the nagging thought in my pea brain was that he was beginning to regret things.

Then last week, he called her place (guess he dug up her number) to inform her that a mutual friend had suffered a medical setback. (I was in the next room, oblivious.) After she hung up, she immediately told me about the call. At first I did a sort of "Huh...", feeling a weird green-eyed-monster thing; I took a walk shortly after that, and straightened my head out.

 

Here's what I think:

 

1. It's been nine months, sort of on the cusp of honeymoon and starting to really see the flaws. You will see more flaws.

2. Given your history, you might have rushed an R a bit fast given that you haven't truly healed off of the last one. You do need to prepare mentally for the possibility that it may fail. I've found with my own self that seeing the macro picture of what my marriage looks like with complete failure ranging to smashing success, I can choose where I want to be in that frame and act accordingly. I can also accept the fact that it might vanish at any moment but that I have the skills not to allow it to break me apart. And to cut myself some slack for whatever negative feelings and adjustments that might come with it. Living with the knowledge that you'll pull through AND be happy again if it does fail, helps to ease the anxiety that would generally come with a new relationship anyway. And moreso given your

history.

3. WTF is with the ex? It seems she's put him aside but that he isn't as much a ghost as he should be. This is not assigning fault to her, but it should be a pale yellow flag. Especially given your history. You know what those who don't learn from their history do.....

 

Don't go looking for things to worry about, but don't be blind to them either.

 

If your gut is sending your brain a signal, it could very well be for a very good reason. It could also be a small signal about a small thing.

 

I always recommend that wives who don't know if their husband's are stepping out trust their gut. If they have other corresponding evidence. I couldn't sleep barely at all for three years with upset stomach just "knowing" from that, that my husband was stepping out even though he swore up, down and sideways he was free from all of that. But to me it was so painstakingly evident because I felt the physical symptoms so regularly. It was very sickening, literally. And it turned out that my gut wasn't wrong once. As soon as the correlation came, I booted him. And we tried again and the same pattern, (which was later confirmed) I booted him again. He hit rock bottom, we were separated and reconciled. I haven't felt that in over a year. But sometimes my anxiety manifests.

 

I have to double-check if it's historic anxiety or a new physical symptom. I don't claim that my stomach has "magical predictive powers" or anything. I do believe that we do sense things more than just on a very objective basis. In fact, adults who were abused as children are far better at picking up those cues because as children, we needed to fell for sudden shifts in the emotional/physical environment in order to survive or minimize damage. Even though many of the other patterns may have healed, the physical programming to do so hasn't. In a sense, it's a bit of a gift.

 

Just see if you get "sick to your stomach. You do have and amazing amount of sensory neurons in there.

 

If you get the gut going, try to articulate what it is that needs to be addressed, and once addressed see if it goes back down to normal.

 

Either way, being in a relationship that would cause heavy anxiety wouldn't be a good thing anyhow. Not a good way to live.

 

Here, I just googled to confirm my info and got a nice article with more than expected:

 

Think Twice: How the Gut's "Second Brain" Influences Mood and Well-Being: Scientific American

 

So, is it your history nagging you or your gut?

[dreamingoftigers]

She liked an older man; there's nothing wrong in that.

 

I wouldn't worry about being over-magnified in her mind, if I was you. You might be younger by default, but there is no default reason why you should be quicker of mind or a better lover. In fact, older men may be better lovers because they are not so desperate to just do what they want and have experience of pleasing women.

 

As an older woman, I have not found younger men to be of quicker mind or better lovers. I have found them to be more selfish and driven by hormones. I have also found them to be more disrespectful. In some of the chats I've had, I've found them to be rather dim and obsessed with sex. If a woman wants to have a good conversation - and many do, whatever their age - an older man is likely to be more interesting. In fact, one of the most interesting men I know I nearly 10 years older than me. Sadly, I don't fancy him, but he's just so interesting and funny that I really wish I did!

 

:facepalm: That's going to help with the anxiety LOL:lmao:

[worldgonewrong]

So, is it your history nagging you or your gut?

 

My history. Definitely.

 

And to add to what you said, I guess one has to prepare themselves for the slim possibility that any relationship could go *poof*. But I'm not a cynic/skeptic at heart. I'm an optimist to the core.

 

Spiderowl: Forgive my verbiage. I assure you I'm far more self-effacing in person than how I conveyed that. Nor did I really intend to categorically lump every 'old' person in some slow category. You're right.

That said, I know I'm not a spring chicken either. No hormones here. Just lots of communication/love/support between me & her. As I like to say: the lovemaking begins waaaaay before the bedroom.

[worldgonewrong]

Upon further reflection:

 

I think it boils down to the fact that I have a REALLY GOOD thing going.

This is the 2nd or 3rd time in my life where something really good & enduring has come upon me, in the aftermath of disaster. My immediate instinct is to feel distrustful, that it will go to hell (despite my core optimism, haha). If I relax and accept the joy of it all (the honesty, the communication, the unfailing love), then I'll be OK.

[Honour]

Upon further reflection:

 

I think it boils down to the fact that I have a REALLY GOOD thing going.

This is the 2nd or 3rd time in my life where something really good & enduring has come upon me, in the aftermath of disaster. My immediate instinct is to feel distrustful, that it will go to hell (despite my core optimism, haha). If I relax and accept the joy of it all (the honesty, the communication, the unfailing love), then I'll be OK.

 

 

Wow, did I post this without realizing it? Lol, you sound just like me. It's getting to that one-year mark and you're starting to freak out, right? Because I can tell you that's what I feel like I'm going through right now.

 

Quick question for you, does she have any problem with any of YOUR exes?

[ascendotum]

I think your ABC's are not a big deal, and the main reason is because of her & her ex's age. Its not like she was a immature young naive girl and the he was some sleazy mid life crises guy who seduced her just through his many years of experience with women and impressed her by throwing more $ at her than young guys would. In her late 30s that sort of power dynamic does not really exist and she should be wise & mature enough to not get taken advantage of. (not that I think all young/old relationships are like that). What would concern me more if I was in situation is the fact that she wasted those years in a unfulfilling relationship and would still be just bobbing along with him if he did not cut her loose. Like she just said yes to first guy and goes along with his life at the expense of her own (no initiative or self esteem, low desires). End of the day if she a great gf to you and you are happy to be with her then it really does not matter (lots of women regret past exs), and I guess those aspects are not really a negative from your perspective (a pleaser, compliant, uncomplaining, puts guy's happiness first)

 

"wonder if my 'self' in her eyes is over-magnified"...quite likely, but that's not such a bad thing I reckon.

[FitChick]

If she is in her forties and he is older than her father, he will be dead soon so your troubles will be over. Maybe he'll even leave her a nice bit of money in his will.

[worldgonewrong]

Wow, did I post this without realizing it? Lol, you sound just like me. It's getting to that one-year mark and you're starting to freak out, right? Because I can tell you that's what I feel like I'm going through right now.

 

Quick question for you, does she have any problem with any of YOUR exes?

 

haha, you nailed it. One-year mark is within view and getting all nervous. Very perceptive, my friend.

 

Also, re your last question: no, she doesn't.

And that's why I've stepped back in my original 'rigid' thinking - if everyone in a new relationship was judged by their previous exes, we'd ALL be sunk.