So I'm the MM...

May 26, 2013

TFY, your argument makes some sense. But it doesn't explain why in countries where men don't lose their shirts in a D, the behaviour is still the same. They almost always leave with a woman ready to take them in. Rarely have I heard of a D initiated by a man who doesn't have a OW here. So it must be a man thing...not a legal disparity issue, IMO.

I doubt very much it is a legal disparity...as none of the men I've seen on LS or elsewhere who are behaving this way mention anything about fearing financial ruin or legal ramifications.

May 27, 2013

Jaseva doesn't seem to be worried about that. He was planning a divorce. But now that he isn't sure if OW will be around, all of a sudden, the divorce proceedings are halted.

That is the kind of soft landing I am speaking about. He clearly went to an attorney before and wasn't worried about "financial death sentences."

I am talking about emotional soft landings and not practicalities like finances.

It seems more MW are willing to be emotionally uncomfortable while many MM are not at all willing to possibly be alone or feel abandoned or uncomfortable in any way.

My point being.....and I am making a generalization here, but just drawing from experiences...

Its a whole lot easier to make an "emotional soft landing" when (in the case of many d women) you are living in the nice big marital home, see the kids all the time and can cash an alimony and child support check..

Conversely, its not so "emotionally comfortable" when you are living in a 500 square foot box above the local bakery, eating off a hotplate, see your kids every other weekend, and working two jobs to make the payments..

See the point here??

Understand this as well...this opinion is coming from the viewpoint of a MM who was/is leaving the M and was hoping to start a life with the AP...Just didnt work out..

TFY

Edited May 27, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

May 27, 2013

My point being.....and I am making a generalization here, but just drawing from experiences...

Its a whole lot easier to make an "emotional soft landing" when (in the case of many d women) you are living in the nice big marital home, see the kids all the time and can cash an alimony and child support check..

Conversely, its not so "emotionally comfortable" when you are living in a 500 square foot box above the local bakery, eating off a hotplate, see your kids every other weekend, and working two jobs to make the payments..

See the point here??

Understand this as well...this opinion is coming from the viewpoint of a MM who was/is leaving the M and was hoping to start a life with the AP...Just didnt work out..

TFY

This is very true. Very, very true. And something my exMM used to say all the time. My life is way more 'normal' than my exH's.

May 27, 2013

This is very true. Very, very true. And something my exMM used to say all the time. My life is way more 'normal' than my exH's.

Thanks...You arent alone...

So in reality its not about "whos emotionally stronger" crap..Its all about this..

A good friend of mine has to pay his ex 80K/year! for the rest of his worknig life...All kids are grown and out on their own and she already makes close to 100K! Sure, he makes a good living, but cmon!!!

I dunno, makes you think he would quit that job, get a note from a doctor saying its too much stress, and start flipping burgers for McD's...

Effin crazy...

TFY

May 27, 2013

I feel like a lot of men are very logical creatures. There's a built in risk/benefit analysis going on in their brains at all times. Don't jump one ship until you know where you are going and whether its worth it. Can you believe my ex made a list on excel??????? He offered to show it to me, but I politely declined.

May 27, 2013

For goodness sake...
the wife acted out, maybe not in the kindest of ways, but it is nothing compared to the hurt she has endured...
she showed her husband and the other woman the same respect they showed her...no more, no less

I'm going to post with the knowledge I will probably be blasted, but if an ow were to put stuff all over fb (let's say details of their escapades, or something like that), she would be labeled a bunny boiler.

As one who had her name read before the church and publicly humiliated before the community and then my xom's father wrote a newsletter article that all but named both of us and it was published 6 months later (yes idiots were in charge), I can tell you this does not help the healing process.

Because of what I went through I was so careful when my husbands affair became known to me - I did not want to treat it the same way and handle it the way mine was. Maybe it's because I truly understood in many ways what my husband was going through and I could see his remorse and how awful he felt about himself - I don't know. But I wanted to be kind and loving.

Anyway when I was publicly outed in that way, I remember my husband saying to me "I thought that by having your name read in church it would be enough punishment to change your thinking". He as much told me he wanted me punished. I was hurting so badly I couldn't think straight but that certainly did not make me want to recover - the thought that he wanted to punish me.

Now, over 3 years later he expresses all of the time how he wishes he could have changed it. And honestly he had the power in his hands to do so - the pastors would have listened to him if had said don't do it. I do believe he is very sorry that it happened that way because he has experienced the fallout from it as well. In our case, so far we are doing okay. But there were times that I felt like that was as damaging to our recovery as anything and he would tell you the same.

Just my experience.

Edited May 27, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

May 27, 2013

I see your point, and I I don't mean to insult your church or anything, but I can't believe they did that...that borders on cruelty...( if I remember correctly, the other man in the affair wasn't treated the same way at all...very hypocritical...why did you deserve that but his name was to be kept sacrosanct? )

at any rate, maybe I misunderstood the OP, but it doesn't sound as if the other woman was named in her "faceook blast"

"I did see the attny. OW became very affraid and concerened. W put it on Facebook blast that I was having the A. OW received friend requests (ignored) from my W as well as a text from her to leave me alone. . "

While I'm not saying this was the best way for her to have handled this, i can totally understand her getting angry and lashing out at her husband...if she didn't name the other woman, and based on the OP's post here there's no reason to believe that she did, how is what she did such a terrible thing to the other woman? I find it weird that it is labeled as such...

Like I said though, i do agree with you about the public shaming, but I think she was acting out of hurt and anger...not the best motives, but understandable.

Oh his name was read too, but the church ran to the side of him and his wife and threw my entire family under the bus. He was more sorry I guess, idk.

I'm just saying in my case, even though I totally take responsibility for my actions and pain that I caused, it did not help my recovery - it slowed it immensely. I have almost left on numerous occasions and part of the reason was because of the way it was handled publicly like that. Church is supposed to be a sanctuary - a hospital for sinners - not a hotel for saints.

But the upside is that now 3 1/2 years later I am actually viewed very well in my community. Ninety nine percent of the people completely disagreed with the way it was handled and because of that I was surrounded by a great deal of support. Xom can't show is face back her, except under cover of night (and it is his hometown) because he ran, did not face anything here.

May 27, 2013

I named her on mine and put a link to her Facebook page and where she worked.

Wow. I have no response to this.

May 27, 2013

I named her on mine and put a link to her Facebook page and where she worked.

And your WH was okay with this? Since it implicates him also, obviously?

May 27, 2013

Well, I didn't ask him. Why would I have? He can own what he did too. I did it the day he told me about the affair.

Oh sorry, I thought you and he had reconciled.

May 27, 2013

We did. Doesn't mean he doesn't have to own what he did.

He owned it to you, right? Why embarrass him in front of everyone for making a mistake? From what I read, most A's are massive, heroin-like drug induced, foggy-can't-see-straight, manipulated-by-OW's, mistakes. I'm not even being snarky. If he did it on purpose and didn't care to hurt you then I doubt you'd have R'ed. So you should cover your spouses mistakes, that's what I believe anyways.

May 27, 2013

Like I said I wasn't part of their cheating, I wasn't obligated to protect either of them from what they did. If they were worried what people were going to think or be embarrassed by their behavior then they shouldn't have had an affair.

Most of his family already knew anyway. She didn't hide it because she was single. I told my friends and the kids. If any of my family were still alive I would have told them also, lucky for him my mom wasn't here any longer to have her heart broken by this.

If you loved your H enough to reconcile your marriage, did you not want to protect him at all? I mean, if your H got busted for doing something stupid and bad...say he got caught insider stock trading...would you want all your relatives and friends to think ill of him? Does it worry you, when you expose on tarnish the views of others around you, that you won't be able to maintain the friendship and family network that is important in marriages?

May 27, 2013

You realize I said I did this on d-day right? I also just said I have no relatives alive (besides my children). He told his own family during the affair, they knew before I did. I want nothing to do with his family and I have already informed them of that. Reconciliation or not I was/am done with them.

My friends still talk to him and have no problem with him since he decided to do the right thing and stay with his family and work things out with me.

Understandable.

May 27, 2013

To carpet bomb or not to carpet bomb? That's the question. Isn't this a bit OT though? Just to give you another perspective.

Where I live, the BW must carpet bomb. She must raise hell or she'll be seen as a walkover and other potential OWs will circle her WH. Personally I confronted the OWs in person or sent emails when I couldn't find them. A friend of mine paid a tabloid to write a story on how her H is in the doghouse and included nasty sexual texts between WH and OW. Major embarrassment for him! A BH got people to plant drugs in OM's car and had him arrested. The time spent in prison by OM was the worst possible thing that a straight man can imagine happening to him. This story is often repeated to warn of the consequences of As with people's Ws. It can get ugly and there is no one willing to help people involved in As. Woe be to you if someone catches you sleeping with their spouse.

It's a good strategy actually. It keeps Ms going and I haven't heard anyone claim they don't love each other whatever the crazy reactions. People R after the most horrendous actions. IMO, an A is horrendous for the BS, so if the BS reacts by carpet bombing, it's an equal and opposite reaction. Ahhh, my continent is something else!!

ETA: Just FYI. Apologize for the t/j.

Edited May 27, 2013 by findingnemo

May 27, 2013

I depends on the family...

I told my parents...hadn't intended to, but i did. They were great about it, and let me know that they supported me, whatever I decided. a few of my best friends also knew, and they were the same way.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I didn't tell them to punish anyone, it was done because I was feeling absolutely lost and didn;t know what to do. It's not like I sat down with a list and said ' I'll tell, them, them, them and them and see how he likes it"...I was desperate for someone, anyone, to tell me things were going to be okay

I find it so sad that some feel that a betrayed spouse should have no recourse for support...what do you suggest they should do? Just clam up and feel like cr@p ? Cry alone in a dark corner? Let themselves feel worse and worse with no one to help them because seeking the support of others may hurt their wayward spouse or other man/woman?

"I must be a mushroom...everybody keeps me in the dark and feeds me bullsh@t"...I didn't want to be a mushroom anymore...

The bolded is what it's like to be an OW. And no H making it better- I don't care if it's lies/minimizing/remorseful/fake-it-till-you-make it, you have someone there telling you what you need to hear in order to make things right bc they really love you or at least 'do the right thing' (I shudder at being married to someone who is doing the right thing). You aren't alone because you have him, regardless of whatever motivation.

May 27, 2013

I depends on the family...

I told my parents...hadn't intended to, but i did. They were great about it, and let me know that they supported me, whatever I decided. a few of my best friends also knew, and they were the same way.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I didn't tell them to punish anyone, it was done because I was feeling absolutely lost and didn;t know what to do. It's not like I sat down with a list and said ' I'll tell, them, them, them and them and see how he likes it"...I was desperate for someone, anyone, to tell me things were going to be okay

I find it so sad that some feel that a betrayed spouse should have no recourse for support...what do you suggest they should do? Just clam up and feel like cr@p ? Cry alone in a dark corner? Let themselves feel worse and worse with no one to help them because seeking the support of others may hurt their wayward spouse or other man/woman?

"I must be a mushroom...everybody keeps me in the dark and feeds me bullsh@t"...I didn't want to be a mushroom anymore...

I think it is quite natural and healthy to want to share a trauma such as finding out your spouse is having an affair. And hopefully there are supportive people in your life. I think that confiding in people for support and advice is COMPLETELY different than what is often discussed here; that of EXPOSURE. I've seen it advocated that the BS expose the WS to work collegues (how does risking a job help a marriage?), friends, relatives, children, facebook, random people walking down the street.

May 27, 2013

I think it is quite natural and healthy to want to share a trauma such as finding out your spouse is having an affair. And hopefully there are supportive people in your life. I think that confiding in people for support and advice is COMPLETELY different than what is often discussed here; that of EXPOSURE. I've seen it advocated that the BS expose the WS to work collegues (how does risking a job help a marriage?), friends, relatives, children, facebook, random people walking down the street.

Feels like emotional blackmail to me- embarrass him and inflict so much emotional distress that he has to shape up and behave in order to save face. Now, I know that the WS also inflicted emotional distress of the worst kind but two wrongs don't make a right.

I will always always think so kindly of my exH. He didn't out me to anyone. Even though he's my exH now, he says if MM's BS ever tried to ruin my reputation he would stand up and say it wasn't true and who wouldn't believe him as he's my EX!

May 27, 2013

Nice dig. My H isn't your exMM so try not to take it so personal that he didn't run off with the OW.

Jeez Paperangel, I wasn't even responding to you. Why would I be making a dig at you? I firmly believe that some WH's do make a big mistake and are completely horrified and remorseful. For example, I feel that way about CominginHot's H. I don't really know the details of your story to make an assessment nor do I care to assess the situation.

I was married and really tried to do the right thing with my H. I felt a type of familial love for him but we had a lot of conflict before and I take responsibility for breaking up our marriage Humpty Dumpty style.

May 27, 2013

Why not expose? If you (general) had no issue having an affair, why take issue with people knowing? Isn't an affair like any other relationship, according to many OW? Why hide it? Exposing doesn't do anything more than add reality. Also, P4P, are you saying that you would want your ex to lie about what happened and make the BS look bad? I find this reoccurring theme of lying to be sad...

May 27, 2013

The problem with a BS having a DDAY.... Mostly she is unprepared. Most of us found LS after DDAY. So not everyone is going to do the same thing. You get shell shocked and the bottom falls out of your world, there may be collateral damage. Not the BS fault! How does anyone know the proper way to react? If your close to your family you may expose. Most BS aren't even sure they are going to reconcile yet, even if he is crying begging and bus throwing!

I exposed to certain people and not all. I for one know my father would never be able to get over this, so I didn't expose to my family. Which sucks when most could use the support. But I believe I made the right choice for me, while others may be different. Don't judge a BS based on DDAY behavior. Not fair.

May 27, 2013

Why not expose? If you (general) had no issue having an affair, why take issue with people knowing? Isn't an affair like any other relationship, according to many OW? Why hide it? Exposing doesn't do anything more than add reality. Also, P4P, are you saying that you would want your ex to lie about what happened and make the BS look bad? I find this reoccurring theme of lying to be sad...

My dad used to always tell me to only do something if I was willing to have it broadcasted on the front of the newspaper the next day. I find it to be an interesting approach. I try to behave in ways that would make the people I love and care about proud of me, whether they know about it or not. As the old saying goes, character is who you are when no one is watching. Of course, I'm not always perfect by any means, but I do try and my heart is in the right place.

Then again... my dog is always so proud of himself when he rolls around in the mud. I guess some people get a satisfaction out of doing what they're not supposed to do. Personally, I have found that the initial adrenaline rush feels like heaven, but the come down is always full of guilt and remorse. I don't think the rush is worth the long term consequences. I would rather be able to live with my decisions and make choices that I know I can live with at the end of the day, no matter what happens

May 27, 2013

Why not expose? If you (general) had no issue having an affair, why take issue with people knowing? Isn't an affair like any other relationship, according to many OW? Why hide it? Exposing doesn't do anything more than add reality. Also, P4P, are you saying that you would want your ex to lie about what happened and make the BS look bad? I find this reoccurring theme of lying to be sad...

My ex and I do not tell people why we got divorced. We state irreconcilable differences and we don't think our personal marital issues are anyone's business. If I had a huge problem with my spouse (this is nothing to do with affairs) I would not call my family and friends and complain about him. I know some people don't have a problem with this, and everyone complains a bit to friends- but major issues are our own to deal with. The A was a major issue. My parents do know, but not that it was a PA. I don't know what BS has to do with this, she told her parents and his parents (his more than hers). But the public doesn't need to know and she said she wouldn't out us (she did tell 2 friends, one in state and one across the country). However, she said if they got divorced and we tried to have a normal R then she would inform everyone.

Perhaps its a cultural thing too. In our belief system, it is considered a 'sin' to out someone. You are supposed to look at yourself first. Basically, to conceal another's wrongdoings is better than to out them, especially if they are repentful. Too much to explain.

Regardless, my H and I want to protect our kids from this knowledge. They have an idea, but they are very young and some things can be learned of later on in life. If the tables were turned, no matter how pissed I was, I would not tell my young children that their dad committed this big mistake. Who knows what they'll know in time, but they don't need to gory details now.

I hope that explains things...and I think this is a major threadjack so I wont address it anymore. Can start a new thread if people want to discuss but its just a 'to each their own' thing in my view.

May 27, 2013

I did tell a few closer friends about my husbands affair because I needed someone to talk to, but I didn't go public with his like he allowed mine to go public. I just had been on the other side, knew what it was like and made the choice not to.

it's definitely a personal choice - I'm not saying its the right course of action or wrong - it was not my choice. The only thing I am saying is my recovery took much longer because of it and that was not something my husband was expecting. He thought my being publicly humiliated would "bring me in line". It was just one more thing to have to deal with amongst the already turbulent situation we were in and he would say that today (and does say it) - that it was the wrong choice.

May 27, 2013

How can you not know what the BS had to do with it? You inserted yourself into her marriage as much as her H inserted himself into your H's.

Good for her if she would have done that. She at the very least deserves to have people know the truth about why her marriage really ended if it had.

Is it not a sin in your culture to have an affair?

I don't think kids of any age need to know all the "gory details" of a parent's affair. I think a truthful simple statement is all that is needed for most ages.

I know I have learned one thing since coming to this forum, there are a lot of uh, strange cultures out there when it comes to affairs, lol

No, I meant I didn't know what the BS had to do with people knowing that adultery was the issue in my divorce. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

I consider adultery a HUGE sin, but that's just me! I don't judge other's beliefs at all. If someone is happy with an affair, it doesn't concern me. That's bc I believe whatever belief system you follow- it's between you and your higher power/universe whatever. For example, when you go to confession and confide in a priest- he doesn't out you to everyone- he gives you your repentance and you are absolved (just an example, I'm not expert in religion).

Okay- last statement on this- in a marriage I believe you protect your spouse. I messed up and did not do that. FAR from it. But he is honoring his commitment. Kind of like when a BS doesn't have a revenge affair. Enough said. My H is a stellar guy- some girl is going to be so lucky.

May 27, 2013

I mentioned the BS because you said that if she told people, your ex would say that she was lying/the opposite or something to that effect... That's why I mentioned her! But thank you for answering me, I was really just curious. Yeah, I'm thread jacking so that's all from me!

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