ChicagoV Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I apologize in advance, because this is going to be a long post, but to sum it all up: I’ve been dating this guy for 5 months, and I’m still not sure what - if anything - is going on between us. Background: He’s 30, and I’m 31. I’ve been single for a year. Prior to that, I was in a 4-year LTR that ended fairly drama-free. As for him, I know he’s had prior relationships, and he told me that before meeting me, it had “been awhile” since he’d dated anyone. I met him last December, at a Christmas party at a bar. He cold-approached me, just came up and said hello, and we struck up a conversation. I was attracted to him right away. He bought me a couple drinks, and we exchanged phone numbers. We flirted and ended up kissing, but I left after a couple hours, because I’d come to the party with a girlfriend and she was ready to leave. At the party, I was a little bit drunk, and although I enjoyed flirting with this guy, I didn’t expect to hear from him again. So, I was pleasantly surprised when he called me the next night to ask me out. I didn’t answer the phone right away, because I was out with friends again that night. It was pretty late when I listened to his voicemail, so I just sent him a text message saying it was great meeting him and I’d like to get together after the holidays. (This was 3-4 days before Christmas.) He texted me back and we made plans to get together for drinks the weekend after Christmas. Our first date was awesome. We met up at a club/lounge halfway between our neighborhoods. He showed up on time, acted like a perfect gentleman, was really easy to talk to, and we had great chemistry. I figured the date would last 3-4 hours, then I’d head home, but by 2AM we were still going strong and I’d missed the last train back to my neighborhood … and I still didn’t want the date to end … One thing led to another, and he invited me back to his place … and we ended up sleeping together on our first date. It wasn’t a smart decision, I know, but we were having a great time, I was really attracted to him, and well … alcohol was involved. We did use protection, and I spent the night at his place. The next day, we hung out till early afternoon, then he drove me home. At first, I was worried I wouldn’t hear from him again, and convinced I’d make a terrible mistake sleeping with him too soon. (I tend to hyper-analyze things, and I’d never had sex on the first date before.) However, I heard from him again 2 days later, when he text messaged me on New Year’s Eve. He said he’d give me a call the next day to set up another date. I heard from him the following afternoon, and we made plans to have dinner that weekend. Second date also went amazing, but the same thing happened again - I ended up spending the night with him. Again, not the smartest idea - but we have awesome chemistry and since it had already happened once, I was okay with it happening again. (I know we moved too fast in the beginning, and it has set a precedent for future dates, but ultimately we’re still seeing each other ...) Anyhow, since then we’ve been dating regularly, seeing each other at least 1 or 2 times per week. However, after 3 weekend dates, he started getting “busy” on the weekends regularly. He had trips planned, friends’ birthday parties, etc. So, we started getting together during the week more often. We fell into a routine of meeting up downtown (halfway between our offices), having dinner together, then going back to his place. On weeknights, I don’t spend the night with him, obviously. Weekends went by where we didn’t talk, but come Sunday or Monday, I’d hear from him, asking me about making plans for the week. For the first couple months, I was pretty freaked out. I over-analyzed every conversation and every date, and worried that I wouldn’t hear from him again afterwards. I felt guilty for sleeping with him too soon. I became convinced we were just FWB’s. Yet, every time I started feeling doubtful, I’d hear from him and see him again … and it became a cycle for me. (I even started casually dating another guy - but after a couple dates, I wasn’t feeling any attraction, and things died off with him. I did NOT sleep with - or even kiss - the other guy, so I didn’t feel guilty about “cheating,” at least.) Finally, I started feeling more comfortable dating my guy. I brought up wanting to see him more on weekends, so he made plans with me 2 weekends in a row before he got “busy” again and we fell back into our weeknight dating routine. I met some of his friends - who were all kind and welcoming to me - and he met a couple of mine. Gradually, I relaxed and realized that my guy wasn’t going to just disappear on me … Yet things still didn’t seem to be really progressing. We see each other every week, but don’t really “talk” unless we’re planning a date. Sometimes we’ll go 3-4 days without contact. After every date, he tells me, “I’ll call you soon,” but won’t say specifically when, unless I bring it up (i.e. “Are you free this coming Tuesday?”) When we’re together, it’s easy to make conversation, but most of our talks seem pretty surface-level. I still have a tough time opening up to him, telling him what I want, or discussing my feelings - and he doesn’t exactly ask me, either. It still feels like we’re just friends, even though we’ve been intimate for several months. Last month, I finally worked up enough courage to discuss exclusivity with him. Feeling freaked out, I basically just told him I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, and wasn’t cool with the idea of him doing it, either. He immediately told me that I was the only woman he was with, and that he thinks it’s irresponsible and morally wrong to have multiple sex partners. After that, I at least felt better that we were sexually exclusive, if nothing else. A couple weeks ago, I asked him if he wanted to hang out the weekend of Cinco de Mayo. He said yes, and I suggested that Saturday night. I texted him a few days in advance to make sure we were still on, and he asked if we could get together Sunday instead. I was disappointed, but said it was fine. Sunday afternoon, one of my girlfriends was having a party, so I invited my guy to join me. He met me at her place, we had a good time at the party, then went out to dinner afterwards. At dinner, I asked him if he had a busy week ahead of him, and replied that he was leaving on Tuesday to go to Las Vegas for a week with his friends. WHAT?! Thanks for the heads-up! I was pissed, but played it cool and told him to have fun. I made sure not to contact him all week - figuring he needed his “guy time” - but I heard from him as soon as he got back. We saw each other the next night, and he was all over me. However, he told me he was busy AGAIN that weekend. This time, I didn’t bother concealing that I was a little pissed. On my way home that night, I decided that I needed to “grow a pair” and say something to him. The next day, I wrote him a long message on Facebook. Basically, I told him that I liked being with him, and didn’t want to screw things up between us. I let him know that I’d like to talk to him more often between dates, just to see how he was doing without necessarily planning a date. I also reiterated that I wanted to see him more on the weekends, and get together more often with summer coming. He wrote back within a couple hours, saying that everything was totally cool between us. He said I could contact him whenever I wanted, and said he was sorry for being so unavailable lately. He told me he’d be free the next couple weekends to get together. Again, I felt better having said something, and we talked (via text) the next day. Then, a couple days went by without talking, before we texted each other again to make plans. We met up after work this past Tuesday and had a nice date. I asked him about hanging out this weekend - since it’s Memorial Day and a 3-day weekend, I figured he’d be free at least ONE night. He told me he was having a BBQ / deck party on Sunday and invited me to come. However, he didn’t mention getting together Friday or Saturday night, and kept saying that he has “tons to do” over the weekend to prep for his party. I told him I’d come, and left it at that. He sent me the Facebook invite for his party last night - and he invited over 100 people! (Of course, I’m sure many won’t come, but still...) So much for spending time together ... I doubt I’ll see much of him at his own party. So, just when I feel like we’ve been making progress … now I feel like we’re back to square-one. I just don’t know what this guy wants from me! He strikes me as commitment-phobic, honestly. I’ve tried hard to make sure he knows I’m not some needy, clingy, codependent girl who requires constant attention. (That’s definitely NOT me - and my last relationship ultimately died because my ex was too needy for ME.) I have no trouble making conversation with him, but it’s hard to really “talk” to him. I even feel awkward doing little things like cuddling on the couch or holding hands. (I’m not a touchy-feely person, but I don’t mind holding hands. I’m just not sure if he’s okay with it.) I just don’t get it … but a couple things come to mind … 1.) His best friend just finished grad school and moved back to the city. He started a new job and is trying to buy a condo. So, on weekends he crashes at my guy’s place in the city so he doesn’t have to stay with his parents. They go out and “rage” pretty often on weekends. I’m wondering if my guy is embarrassed to have a woman staying over while his friend is there. Although, I’ve met his friend several times - he’s really cool and nice to me, and we’ll joke around - and I’ve stayed at my guy’s place when his friend is there. (Hell, one time when I stayed overnight, his friend brought a woman back to my guy’s place!) Obviously, his friend knows we’re dating, and we’re discreet when I sleep over, so I truly doubt he cares … 2.) He smokes weed. It doesn’t really bother me, because I enjoy it occasionally, but he does it pretty regularly. He always asks me if I want to smoke when we’re together. Usually, I’ll just take a puff or two, so I’m not ridiculously high. However, it does make it difficult to communicate with him, and I think he forgets what I say when he’s high. I don’t mind a social smoker, but it’s a bit much for me … Anyway, I genuinely like this guy. He’s smart, funny, sexy and chill. He’s got a great job and he’s financially secure. Other than the weed smoking, he’s mature and responsible. He has no drama in his life. We have a lot of commonalities and similar personalities. His friends like me. I respect his time and space, and never give him a hard time. He treats me well, contacts me when he says he will, always pays for our dates, etc. Basically, he has a lot of potential, and I’d like our relationship to go somewhere … but I can’t figure him out. I’m getting frustrated, and I’m considering ending it, even though I have major feelings for this guy. I want to confront him, but I’m afraid of freaking him out / scaring him away. Sorry, again, for writing a novel … but any insight would be hugely helpful!
clia Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I'm sorry, but this guy isn't serious about you. He seems to like you well enough, but he is not doing anything to indicate that he wants you to be a part of his life. Let me run through the list: You've been dating five months. That is a long time to be dating without establishing you are boyfriend/girlfriend.He mainly only sees you on weeknights.You have very little communication other than to plan the next time you will see him. (In other words, he isn't calling you up to find out how your day went, or to fill you in on his day.)He isn't including you in his weekend plans, and you don't hear from him on the weekends. (A guy who wanted you to be his girlfriend would probably invite you along to his friend's birthday party, for example. Or if he really was that busy with prior plans, he would still try to see you in some capacity.)He didn't bring up exclusivity -- you did. And even when you brought it up, he kept it limited to sex.He planned a weeklong trip to Las Vegas and you didn't find out about it until a few days before he left. You didn't hear from him the entire week he was gone.He is having a huge party this weekend and you just found out about it. Things just are not progressing. He is treating you like a casual woman he is dating, not a woman he wants to make his girlfriend. It also sounds like you are the one who is initiating a lot of your plans (i.e. asking him to do something Cinco de Mayo weekend, asking him to do something Memorial Day weekend, etc.) I'm sorry to be blunt, but I think you are fooling yourself if you think this will go anywhere. I'm curious -- has he ever stayed at your house? Did he do anything for you for Valentine's Day?
Honour Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Um, you probably don't want to hear this, but it kinda does sound like what you have a is (an admittedly nice and possibly even exclusive) FWB situation. A few questions that occur to me: Does he introduce you as his girlfriend? Who has he introduced you to? Has he given you any gifts like for your birthday or such? What was your Valentine's Day like? When you DO get together on a weekend night, what are your activities? Do you go out or stay in? Why isn't he inviting you to these trips and friends' birthday parties that he goes to when he's not around for weekends? Has he ever been there for you when you were in a jam, like needing a ride somewhere or holding your hand through a difficult time? What do you guys talk about, besides setting up the next date, or why he can't see you on the weekend or whatever? Anyway, sorry if I don't sound too optimistic, but I'm sure I've had my fair share of these situations, and this just sounds awfully familiar. Which doesn't necessarily need to be a death knell, just maybe a need to re-evaluate what you're really looking for in the situation, what you're hoping for, and what you think HE'S looking for. Really. Hope this helped, cheers.
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