madden Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) Sorry for writing so much! i need help! I have been in a relationship for 3 years with my bf. We have been together since we were 18. We felt like we were made for each other and we still feel that way. We have made plans for our future like the place we’ll have our house and the weekly parties we’ll organise at our place and the race of dog we’ll have and even the name of our first kid. He knows my family and i know his. We have the same group of friends. We have a relationship of brother-sister,bestfriends,lovers,... Also, we have the same objective in life and share the same lifestyle: dreads, non-conformist, way of thinking, same music, etc... All this to describe the kind of relationship and bond which exists between us. For some months now i felt nothing was right. we started fighting a lot and during fights he got into the habit of verbally abusing me. I tried not to take it at heart and tried to make things right again. But he still continued deliberating saying things he knew would hurt me and he would criticise the things i say and do. At some point I tried to find any excuse not to talk to him because i knew i would just have to listen to him and when i start telling stuffs about my life he would just barely listen and also make nasty comments sometimes. Well, i started thinking of breaking up maybe. But i thought again because of all the things we have in common and the kind of natural relationship that we always have. 3 months back i met someone else. In fact he is a friend whom i knew for some time. He is now abroad and we only used to chat on the net. He started showing interest in me and the things i say and think about. He asks about me and pays attention to what i say and feel. This was quite different from my bf at that time. I know it seems wrong now so please do not point out how wrong i was and how unfair i was to my bf. Now we have broken up. I told him i love him but it isn’t working and we both need time to grow up as we are relatively young and haven’t experienced the world. He says he should be taking time to grow up but we should maintain the idea of coming back together because we are made for each other. At the same time, the other guy expressed his love for me and i know he has the qualities i like in a guy: responsible, independent, loving, kind, firm, intelligent, respectful, knows what he wants and how to get it, reliable, can do anything for the ones he love... My bf (ex) on the other hand is quite childish and carefree, not always respectful to me or to people in general. He wants to do many things but lacks the will to start, he has the capacity to do extraordinary things but he doesn’t do it. he wont ever do something that he doesn’t like even to please me. He relies emotionally on me and sometimes insists on me to do things he want (not sex) like talking for hours when im ****ing tired and sleepy, etc... After i broke up, 1 week back, he was in a horrible state and told me to stay by his side even if in an open relationship. He says he is changing and i have to admit he did change certain (minimal) aspects. I do not know if this is just because i took the step of breaking up or if he truly realised he was making me unhappy. He is now so adorable and makes me feel like the most valuable thing in his life. I haven’t felt this way for more than 7 months now. What should i expect later if i give him another chance? I am torn between the two. I feel both may or may not make me happy. I fear that i may take the wrong decision and hurt them or myself or regret in the future. I don’t know if my ex will really change and if we’ll be okay. And i do not know if the other guy will be the one. He’ll be back for 2 months soon and he’ll be gone again until next year.I am horribly confused and frustrated, the worst part of it all is that i know i am hurting both of them and it kills me. I know i have to choose. Both love me deeply. I like both but i cant tell whom i love at this point im so worn out from overthinking. I think i want to try with the other one but im not prepared to give up life with whom i thought was my soulmate. And i cannot stand doing this to him as he will be soo hurt and broken! Can someone please advise? Sorry again for writing so much but i have no one with whom i can express myself and ask for help!! Edited May 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs added
Deerhunter Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 There's a post I once saw on facebook. I can't remember if it was Will Smith or Johnny Depp but it went something like this........................ If you have to choose between the first one love or the second, choose the second one because if you really loved the first one, there would have never been a second. 2
Author madden Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 There's a post I once saw on facebook. I can't remember if it was Will Smith or Johnny Depp but it went something like this........................ If you have to choose between the first one love or the second, choose the second one because if you really loved the first one, there would have never been a second. yeah i know that quote and i reflected on it too. i am just still extremely confused.
TaraMaiden Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I answered you in this thread. You do love drama ion your life, don't you? My advice - NOW - would be that you do them both a favour, ditch them, and be on your own. You're an attention leech, and you just like to have the best of both worlds. You agreed then, and will probably agree now that you're being selfish. you're looking to what you want, and actually not considering their emotions at all. You say you are, but the bottom line, is you. This is all about what makes you happy. Be on your own. You could do with a bit of a wake-up call, and the way you're using this guy makes you neither attractive, nor deserving of our help. 2
Author madden Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 I answered you in this thread. You do love drama ion your life, don't you? My advice - NOW - would be that you do them both a favour, ditch them, and be on your own. You're an attention leech, and you just like to have the best of both worlds. You agreed then, and will probably agree now that you're being selfish. you're looking to what you want, and actually not considering their emotions at all. You say you are, but the bottom line, is you. This is all about what makes you happy. Be on your own. You could do with a bit of a wake-up call, and the way you're using this guy makes you neither attractive, nor deserving of our help. thank you so very much for such kind words. i absolutely find this so helpful and this is why i am still looking for someone to help and not dig the sword deeper. i do believe you are perfect and have taken all the very best decisions in your life till now for you to tell me i dont deserve any help. if you really find someone deserving no help then i am sorry you might have misunderstood your role as established and supporting member on this forum which is mainly here to HELP people facing difficulties. on this note, i will not post further. thank you for making me realise that noone can help us except us. i forgot that. anyway go on with your lovely perfect life wish you luck.
BustedUpInside Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I am torn between the two. I feel both may or may not make me happy. I fear that i may take the wrong decision and hurt them or myself or regret in the future. I don’t know if my ex will really change and if we’ll be okay. And i do not know if the other guy will be the one. He’ll be back for 2 months soon and he’ll be gone again until next year.I am horribly confused and frustrated, the worst part of it all is that i know i am hurting both of them and it kills me. I know i have to choose. Both love me deeply. I like both but i cant tell whom i love at this point im so worn out from overthinking. I feel bad for everyone in this situation It seems like you have really gotten yourself into a very difficult situation. I am, of course, not saying that you deserve it. I am just saying that you are responsible so you will ultimately have to fix it. If I am reading your post correctly, I think you know who you actually want to be with. The 2nd guy. It seems like you are just scared to take a chance because if it doesn't work with #2, then you will feel like you threw away all that you had with #1. I would just like to point out that you have already changed the nature of the relationship with #1 by allowing yourself to develop feelings for somebody new. If I was running your life, I would say that you should break it off completely with guy #1 and try things with guy #2. This will allow you to see if the feelings are true for the second guy or if you just wanted out of the relationship with the first guy. Worst case scenario is that you discover that you actually really do love the first guy and then you have to go crawling back and see if he will take you back. Best case scenario is that things work out with guy #2, and you and guy #1 can eventually be friends. Whatever you do, my advice is that you do it quickly as to avoid any further hurt. Either to yourself or either of the two men. You all deserve to have some stability and finality in this situation and you are the only one who can make that happen.
TaraMaiden Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 thank you so very much for such kind words. i absolutely find this so helpful and this is why i am still looking for someone to help and not dig the sword deeper. i do believe you are perfect and have taken all the very best decisions in your life till now for you to tell me i dont deserve any help. if you really find someone deserving no help then i am sorry you might have misunderstood your role as established and supporting member on this forum which is mainly here to HELP people facing difficulties. on this note, i will not post further. thank you for making me realise that noone can help us except us. i forgot that. anyway go on with your lovely perfect life wish you luck. Sarcasm doesn't serve you well. You have a problem. There is a solution. You need to take it - be on your own for a while and get your mind sorted. Harsh words do not make them either unkind - or untrue. But I'm hoping this is a bit of a wake-up call for you: You need to get a grip and quit prevaricating. Because you just dig the turmoil deeper. This involves 3 people. One must go. For now, make it you. The stronger of the other two will appear far more easily if you distance yourself and get a clear mind. (And it was Johnny Depp. And I think there is wisdom in what he says.) Doing what I suggest, is actually much kinder to you - it will remove you from the maelstrom of confusion that has erupted as a result of these liaisons. The reason I'm still here is actually, because I DO help. It just doesn't always come in the guise of a fluffy pink cushion and a cup of tea. 1
Sav Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 There's a post I once saw on facebook. I can't remember if it was Will Smith or Johnny Depp but it went something like this........................ If you have to choose between the first one love or the second, choose the second one because if you really loved the first one, there would have never been a second. That quote in my opinion is kinda bs. Going by that logic, if you loved the second one you wouldn't even think about the first one. So if you are contemplating between 1 and 2, choose 3, be alone and sort out your internal problems first. 2
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 If your truly in love with one man; it will be blatantly clear. I may move on from my ex with NC, but if he came back (which he won't this is hypothetical) and I was only just falling for someone: I would take my ex back, unless I had fallen madly in love with a new man. True love is too strong to hide the truth. It is undeniable that I would pick my ex over any guy I was dating any day. I am way more in love with my ex than I could be any other casual date. It will take me falling truly in love with ANOTHER men, for me to let go of that notion of my ex and I ever being together. There is no way your really in love with either guy if you cannot choose.
jehcann Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 im going through the same thing expect my ex is confused between me and his ex. he picked his ex over me after 10 1/2 months of us dating and im dead inside. he made the wrong choice and im just praying he wakes up and sees it. they have a toxic relationship and it'll never work. if i were you i would go with the new guy. your ex had his chance to prove to you and do things for you that this new guy is doing. you have to let go of him being your soulmate what do you want in a soulmate? have you asked yourself that? honestly put aside thinking your ex is the one and compare the two guys and compare who makes you happy and who's a better fit and go with that. if your ex was so important you wouldnt be in the position you're in now. my ex jumped into the relationship with his ex and didnt even think twice. please think twice dont jump into with your ex you could really be missing out on something great. when you realize it, this new guy may not be there and you wouldve missed out on somethin great. dont be like my ex. please.
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