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How to most maturely, kindly, ... , tell someone you're not interested anymore?

Calvin's wagon

By Calvin's wagon
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Calvin's wagon Established Member

Calvin's wagon

Posted
Posted

Hi,

 

I'd be grateful for your advice on this matter. Basically I'm not sure if it's better/kinder/more appropriate to tell her that I'm not interested in person or through an e-mail?

 

 

I met a girl (on OLD) and we went out on two dates (the first time I went on a date with someone I met through OLD). We also talked quite a bit through emails before and after meeting.

 

On the first date, she asked how come I tried OLD. Among other things we talked about how I'm tired of people playing games while dating/in a relationship, and how I wanted to take things slowly, to see if what happens suits us both.

 

So after the 2nd date, I'm quite sure that I don't feel such attraction towards her, and she's probably also leaving for a study exchange in the fall for half a year etc., and I'm starting to heave lots of problems with my family again (mom&sis attending psychotherapy) etc. and it's been quite hard and pressing on me.

 

And I wouldn't feel exactly right meeting other women through OLD if we'll go on another date, while trying to figure out if I want to keep going on dates with her...

 

I don't want to hurt her, I want to be polite, not a jerk, don't want to just "fade" away etc. If she's interested in anything, I have no problems answering whatever she wants to know etc. She seems like an awesome person and I'd be happy if we had had that spark and if other things were better for us (her not going away, my issues at home etc.)

 

On one hand, it seems more mature and respectful to tell her that in person, but on the other hand I'd feel perhaps as if I'm being impolite by arranging another get-together (with her probably thinking it's another date), just to tell her that I'm not interested anymore.

 

I'd appreciate any kind of advice, thank you in advance:)

clia Established Member

clia

Posted
Posted

I don't think you need to tell her in person after only two dates. At this point either a text or a call is fine, in my opinion. Just say something like "While I've enjoyed spending time with you, I don't think we are a match. Good luck to you." Or whatever you want to say. Just try to keep it short and sweet.

  • Like 1
Janesays Established Member

Janesays

Posted
Posted

I think after 2 dates, it doesn't need to be a big deal. Obviously, don't ask her out again. If she sends you a message or asks you out, I would simply say:

 

"I enjoyed getting to know you and think you're a great person. However, after much consideration, I don't think we're a good fit. I wish you all the best."

 

She might respond rudely because lots of people can't even handle a kind and respectful rejection. But that reflects more on her than it does you. If anything, a person who can't handle rejection or criticism in a mature fashion is probably single for a reason.

  • Like 2
venusianx13 Established Member

venusianx13

Posted
Posted

Don't worry, you ARE a mature, kind person! It's very good of you to be careful about this, so as to not hurt her. :)

 

I had to do the same with a guy I met from OLD once. I saw him 3 or 4 times and then discovered that he had planned to teach abroad in Korea. He was a cool person, but truth is, there was no real spark there, either. So, we spoke via phone one night and I told him how I felt that we had a nice connection, but that it was probably not a good idea to be more than friends. He thanked me for being so honest. Told me he had a lot of respect for me. We've stayed friends. He's abroad now, and doing quite well.

 

I think you already have the right idea, CW! Be kind and honest. That's the best policy.

  • Like 1
Leegh Established Member

Leegh

Posted
Posted

You could say you have gotten back together with your old girlfriend. In addition, it may be a good idea when you meet future women, to keep emails to a minimum before you meet the women, that way after one or two dates, it is easier to break it off if there is no chemistry on your part.

  • Like 1
Shepp Established Member

Shepp

Posted
Posted

Hey buddy,

 

I agree, for what its worth! If you tell her you wanna meet she'll think its a date, and i wouldnt want a girl to doll herslef up ready for a date just to tell her i dont see a future in it.

Plus then you get into the whole, do you tell her straight away in which case shes got to turn round and go home or do you tell her after dinner or whatever you've met for and basically lie to her all night - which it all awkward!

 

Im a fan of emailing - you can think about what you wnat to say for one thing rather than just saying the first thing you can think of that sounds reasonably sensible which is my usual tactic!

  • Like 1
  • Author
Calvin's wagon Established Member

Calvin's wagon

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi everyone,

 

thanks for your kind and useful comments! I sent her a long email, explaining things, and she replied quickly, that "don't worry, be happy", and that it's kind of the same with her (i.e. no magic was there, though she liked me as a person). She also mentioned that if I ever wanted to grab a drink, to let her now.

 

So that went as well as it could have, thanks again to everyone! It's been bugging me till now.

 

Best wishes to you all!

  • Like 3
happydate Established Member

happydate

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hi,

 

I'd be grateful for your advice on this matter. Basically I'm not sure if it's better/kinder/more appropriate to tell her that I'm not interested in person or through an e-mail?

 

 

I met a girl (on OLD) and we went out on two dates (the first time I went on a date with someone I met through OLD). We also talked quite a bit through emails before and after meeting.

 

On the first date, she asked how come I tried OLD. Among other things we talked about how I'm tired of people playing games while dating/in a relationship, and how I wanted to take things slowly, to see if what happens suits us both.

 

So after the 2nd date, I'm quite sure that I don't feel such attraction towards her, and she's probably also leaving for a study exchange in the fall for half a year etc., and I'm starting to heave lots of problems with my family again (mom&sis attending psychotherapy) etc. and it's been quite hard and pressing on me.

 

And I wouldn't feel exactly right meeting other women through OLD if we'll go on another date, while trying to figure out if I want to keep going on dates with her...

 

I don't want to hurt her, I want to be polite, not a jerk, don't want to just "fade" away etc. If she's interested in anything, I have no problems answering whatever she wants to know etc. She seems like an awesome person and I'd be happy if we had had that spark and if other things were better for us (her not going away, my issues at home etc.)

 

On one hand, it seems more mature and respectful to tell her that in person, but on the other hand I'd feel perhaps as if I'm being impolite by arranging another get-together (with her probably thinking it's another date), just to tell her that I'm not interested anymore.

 

I'd appreciate any kind of advice, thank you in advance:)

 

Give her a call and honestly tell her that you're not into her at all. With just 2 dates, you really won't hurt her feelings all that much. But then, most men simply don't call.

Edited by happydate
  • Like 1
PutARingOnIt Established Member

PutARingOnIt

Posted
Posted

At least you were thoughtful enough to tell her instead of just using "i'm busy" as an excuse. :cool:

  • Like 3
jolie_baby Established Member

jolie_baby

Posted
Posted
Hi,

 

I'd be grateful for your advice on this matter. Basically I'm not sure if it's better/kinder/more appropriate to tell her that I'm not interested in person or through an e-mail?

 

 

I met a girl (on OLD) and we went out on two dates (the first time I went on a date with someone I met through OLD). We also talked quite a bit through emails before and after meeting.

 

On the first date, she asked how come I tried OLD. Among other things we talked about how I'm tired of people playing games while dating/in a relationship, and how I wanted to take things slowly, to see if what happens suits us both.

 

So after the 2nd date, I'm quite sure that I don't feel such attraction towards her, and she's probably also leaving for a study exchange in the fall for half a year etc., and I'm starting to heave lots of problems with my family again (mom&sis attending psychotherapy) etc. and it's been quite hard and pressing on me.

 

And I wouldn't feel exactly right meeting other women through OLD if we'll go on another date, while trying to figure out if I want to keep going on dates with her...

 

I don't want to hurt her, I want to be polite, not a jerk, don't want to just "fade" away etc. If she's interested in anything, I have no problems answering whatever she wants to know etc. She seems like an awesome person and I'd be happy if we had had that spark and if other things were better for us (her not going away, my issues at home etc.)

 

On one hand, it seems more mature and respectful to tell her that in person, but on the other hand I'd feel perhaps as if I'm being impolite by arranging another get-together (with her probably thinking it's another date), just to tell her that I'm not interested anymore.

 

I'd appreciate any kind of advice, thank you in advance:)

 

 

Am not sure what the best way is but I would say not in person... you went out on a couple of dates only... It may be easier for her to hear it over the phone... even better than an email in my opinion because it doesn't give much chance/time to her thinking it over a lot and asking questions (compared to an email)...etc... am thinking not only easier for you but also for her... if she was me, I would prefer it this way so I can leave it behind asap and move on...

  • Like 1
jolie_baby Established Member

jolie_baby

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone,

 

thanks for your kind and useful comments! I sent her a long email, explaining things, and she replied quickly, that "don't worry, be happy", and that it's kind of the same with her (i.e. no magic was there, though she liked me as a person). She also mentioned that if I ever wanted to grab a drink, to let her now.

 

So that went as well as it could have, thanks again to everyone! It's been bugging me till now.

 

Best wishes to you all!

 

oh ok :) you already wrote her

glad it went ok though

  • Like 1
  • Author
Calvin's wagon Established Member

Calvin's wagon

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi,

 

thanks again, everyone!

 

I wrote her quite a long e-mail, trying to be as sincere and kind as possible, and she took it really well, so it was a good learning experience (I'm usually on the receiving end of the loss of interest :laugh: ).

 

I think an email is usually better, because the other person can read it at his/her own leisure, in peace, and because you can say everything you mean, without being interrupted, and not get tangled up in your own words due to nervousness.

 

And yes, I strongly dislike people fading out, making up excuse after excuse etc., wasting your time, emotions, energy etc. The world (including the dating world) is a much better place with a bit more honesty, kindness and less mind games in it.

 

I wish you all good luck with your present or potential relationships!:)

  • Like 3
BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

Posted
Posted

You handled that well. I wish everyone did that.

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