Partner wants to become stay at home father

[4givrnt4gtr]

Ive been in a relationship with my partner for over a year. I met him online and we hit it off right away. Our personalities seem to fit wonderfully, and so far we have not had any major issues. We've talked about getting married very seriously and were planning to get engaged in the next few months.

 

Our relationship had been great until now, and I had no qualms whatsoever about wanting to marry him. We've been living together for 4 months and they have been quite wonderful. As of now, I am a full time student in a graduate program, getting a doctorate degree in a health field. I also work part time, and have to do clinical hours. All in all, I work/go to school for almost 60+ hours per week.

 

He is also a very hard worker so far. He has worked at a local company for the past 5 years, volunteers for over-time, and his bosses love him. He received a pay increase and change in responsibilities earlier this year. Unfortunately this change did not sit well with him, he doesn't like it and has tried to talk to his bosses about changing this.

 

Despite this, I was so proud of him, and well, us, because we both seem very responsible and if we continue working, we should be pretty stable financially, specially once I graduate. When I met him he told me that when he was looking for a relationship, he wanted to make sure the girl he met was well educated with a doctorate and said that this was because he like to have intelligent conversations. Now Im doubting was the only reason for this.

 

A few days ago my partner asked me how I would feel if once I graduated and got a job he became a stay at home husband/father. I was taken aback, as it had never occurred to me that I would ever become the breadwinner of a family. I always thought that to be in a healthy relationship both partners pitch in equally, both financially and in the home. I said that I was not comfortable with that, and that I didnt think I could financially provide for our family alone.

 

He said that he thought I could, and that in any case, we could also use his savings to help us. I asked him what he planned to do if he was not working and he said that he wanted to pursue his creative side, and try to become a writer. Ive known that this was a long term goal for him, but I always figured he would pursue it WHILE working, at least part time!

 

So I said that I would rather him work, so he said that in that case he may be able to work as a photographer, and perhaps even work for natural geographic traveling etc. I asked him how would that affect our having children and how I didn't want to have my children grow up with an absent father. I told him that it kinda felt like he wasn't ready to settle down yet, as most of his "goals" didn't seem to support having a family. He said that that wasn't the case, and that he would "figure it out".

 

The next day I did more research about the whole stay at home father business. I read about the perks of it, specially for the children, and how it would allow me to pursue my career. ALthough this is attractive, I am definitely not a type A career woman. Still, its a plus.

 

So we discuss this more, and I said that maybe we could give it a try for a year or two and see how it turns out. Given this new change I looked to see what kind of opportunities this could give me since we are not to be tied down by his employment. I found a great opportunity, which, if it works, would help me us get out of school debt pretty fast. I told him about this and he was really excited, and said he couldn't wait to quit his job and travel the world (the opportunity involves travel).

 

All this has left a sour taste in my mouth. What I thought our partnership was kinda disintegrated and turned into a role reversal, 1950s thing. He even said that maybe he could volunteer, like at a soup kitchen or something like that. And Im thinking...um...you sound like a lady of leisure, not a 20 something year old man with his whole career in front of him.

 

It also made me question whether his desire to have a girlfriend with a doctorate was more about the earning potential (which would allow him to pursue his "creative side" freely) rather than having an intelligent conversation.

 

Most importantly, it changed the way I view him, and even my desire to marry him. I want to marry a partner, an equal, not a trophy husband. This is making me incredibly sad.

 

I talked to him more about it yesterday, and told him i did not want to be the sole bread winner, that I really did not like the sound of him not working and that all this is making me incredibly anxious. He told me to calm down, that he had not planned in not working at all, that he was just not going to work for "the man". He said he may get a part time job, while we travel for my work, and that he should not worry about us financially, that he would make sure we were always taken care of. Plus, with the opportunity I found, most of our needs would be taken cared of anyway.

 

I dont know what to think about this, Im really distraught, mostly because I didn't see it coming and it is not something I want in my life.

 

As I said we were planning on getting married within the next two years and having a baby the year after that. Now Im seriously considering delaying all that and see how it goes for the first year that we would be traveling with my job.

 

I dont know what to do about all this. Am i overreacting? Am i being too cautious? What would you guys do in this situation?

[Ursa]

I'm a little confused because at first you say he wants to be a stay at home father, then you say he wants to be a masculine "lady of leisure" and trophy husband. A stay at home father is neither of those things...stay at home parents are working hard and contributing to the marriage and family in large ways, just not with income. A stay at home parent is still a partner and equal, and relationships can be perfectly healthy with this dynamic, IF both partners are happy with it. Which doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

In any case, not wanting to be the sole breadwinner of a family is understandable. It's obviously not for everybody, probably not for most people these days. Not wanting to be the sole breadwinner in a childless couple so the other partner can pursue creative interests and volunteer in a soup kitchen, even more understandable IMO. If the idea of this leaves a sour taste in your mouth, that suggests there is a fundamental incompatibility.

 

If you want to take exciting jobs which offer lots of travel, being married to a partner who is flexible enough to be able to travel with you could be a big bonus, IMO. That doesn't have to mean the other person is unemployed, however, for example there are people able to pack up their professions and take them virtually on the road.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Ursa: I said stay at home father because thats how he proposed it. HIs main argument is that he wants to work on his writing, and he feels his best opportunity is by staying home, watching the kids and working on his writing (which I also agree is kinda ludicrous...taking care of kids is not a walk in the park and I don't think he realizes this). As of right now we dont have children. In a year or two I have to take an internship in another area, and he said he would come with me, take that year off to work on his writing (this is where the stay at home husband comes in).

 

When he proposed this a while back, I thought it would be a great idea. He gets to come with me while Im in internship, he gets to work on his goal, and help with finances with the money he has saved, while I work to finish my degree. I expected this to last only a year, until we settled down somewhere where he can get a stable job. So when he came up with this new "stay at home dad" idea, I was just totally dismayed and taken aback.

 

I want to support his goal of being a writer, but to me it sounds more like he wants to take the opportunity to just not work because he doesn't like the 9-5 grind. I told him that that was just too bad, that thats what being an adult was about. Being responsible and work. Thats when he said that he means to work, just not a 9-5 type of job.

 

Because he wants to write I thought the same that you said, this is a type of profession that can be done anywhere, hence why I looked for that career where would take us pretty much anywhere and it would still allow him to work. My thing is, he iSN'T yet a writer. He wants to pursue it...but will he, and if he isn't successful, when will he resume regular work? I guess all these questions should be pose to him.

 

Im feeling resentful that he gets to relax, and take time off from work while Ive been busting my butt day in and day out to get this degree and then have to continue to do it, only this time alone, so he can pursue his creative side. I have never asked, nor would I even consider it, that he takes care of my financial needs right now as I go through school full time. I still work while in school, so I don't get why would he need to completely stop working just so he can write. It makes no sense to me at all.

 

Just to see whether he would do the same for me as he is asking me to do for him, I asked him if after the 4 years when my contract expires, would it be ok with him if I take time off. He said ofcourse, and that maybe we can travel together (as in, he isn't planning to work, even if I stop working). Its like he lives in another world, where work is completely optional and finances just magically take care of themselves. This is really really nervewrecking for me, and I feel totally blindsided, as for the last year he appeared to be so financially responsible and level headed.

 

I agree that I shouldn't sugar coat anything, and to some extend I haven't. At the same time I don't want to appear unsupportive of his dreams. I also don't want to appear negative, as he keeps telling me not to worry about it, that he has our best interest in mind. I don't really know how to approach this anymore. Whenever I do, he just tries to reassure me, telling me he isn't just going to lounge around the house etc.

 

To be fair he is incredibly supportive of my own career, and he helps me a ton around the house even though he is still working full time. I dont think he is a bum or a moocher, or at least has not been that for the past year. I just would hate to find out that the man Ive been with is not who he really is.

[tbf]

He's a dreamer and prone to running away from situations that don't meet his idealistic perception of the world. Not a good profile for an equal partner.

 

So what happens if he dislikes being a stay-at-home father? Will he suddenly refuse to father and insist you take over while working full-time, so he has time to pursue his creative side?

 

Unless he's got millions stashed away, don't even consider this guy as long-term partner material if you want children in the future.

[sunshinegirl]

At some level I think you're both projecting and planning way too far into the future. Until there is an actual child on the scene, I don't think it's wise to solidify plans for who will stay home, who will work, etc. Your preferences, the kid's needs, what's practical, what you can afford, all of that could change once there's an actual little person in your lives. And your BF is laughably out of touch if he thinks being a stay-at-home dad is going to afford him time for his writing.

 

If he's serious about wanting to pursue writing, he should start doing it in his spare time, to see how it goes, begin testing the waters in terms of making it a full-time career. I think someone who claims to want to be a writer but makes no actual effort unless and until it's his full time gig should be side-eyed, big time.

 

I don't think you're unreasonable to be thrown off by his suggestion of being a stay-at-home husband (no kids in the picture). That would not fly in my relationship and would be indicative of a big chasm in values.

[Zapbasket]

I think, if you really love him, you at least owe him an in-depth conversation about his intentions and your expectations.

 

Consider that someone pursuing his "creative side" need not be a superficial thing. Often it's the opposite. Ask him what his goals are. If he wants to work on his writing with an eye toward earning a living as a writer--an entirely achievable goal if he is disciplined about it--then ultimately it could be a bonus for you to have a spouse who has a flexible schedule--especially with children in the mix.

 

I can relate to his aspirations because I'm writing my first book with the goal of securing a literary agent and finding a publisher. I will work on it every day for as long as it takes to get it done, even while working full-time. It's important to have a partner who is understanding of your creative aspirations and helps you make time to do your creative work. But both your partner and you need to treat it pragmatically, too. You mention that he has talked about being a writer AND being a photographer. Unless he is already well along in either or both of these pursuits (publications, etc.), a person cannot as an adult with responsibilities dedicate himself to attaining professional status in BOTH disciplines. That's called being a dabbler. And from what I understand, being a stay-at-home parent is a pretty full-time job, so he's not going to be able to pull off travel, stay-at-home parenting, and serious creative work all at once.

 

Find out how he views his proposition working out. It sounds like he needs a dose of reality, but he may have something in mind that actually might fulfill your expectations.

 

On behalf of all creatives, I just have to close with a reminder that the desire to pursue creative work can be a serious and worthy professional goal, and there is a time investment necessary for developing the skills for the craft, especially at a professional level. It's all in discipline and clear intent, and realistic expectations.

[Ninja'sHusband]

A lot of women loose respect for guys who aren't the breadwinners. If you are one of those you should be completely honest instead of letting the relationship deteriorate slowly.

[4givrnt4gtr]

@ Ninja: I dont necessarily want him to be the breadwinner. I want him to be my partner. I had a vision of BOTH of us working towards our goals, while also being financially responsible (ie, in his case at least work part time while working on his writing). I would never ever ask him to be the sole breadwinner while I stay at home, even if it is to watch the kids. It just doesn't make sense to me this day and age and it boggled my mind when he asked that of me.

 

@ Greencove: Ive tried to have that conversation. His response is that he wants to create a screenplay, and make movies (which is what he got his degree in). Alternatively, he wants to sell his photography. All of which is fine and dandy...And though I knew he wanted to pursue all this, I never imagined that he would stop working his day job completely before even having a sliver of success in either field and basically relying on me to pursue it all. He literally said that without having any responsibilities and being free he may be more likely to focus on his writing. I told him that there is no such a thing as not having responsibilities as an adult, and that what he was doing was shoving his responsibilities to me, so he could be "free". He appeared shocked to hear this and forcefully said that this was not the case at all and that he would never be a bum just hanging out at home doing nothing but that what he was going to do may not pay right away.

 

I also told him that this whole notion of having kids, writing and photography and traveling all at once was crazy. That it didn't seem like he knew what he was getting into, and that he has a strange view of reality. I suspect this is because he has never had to struggle, his family is well off, and he has been lucky to have always been employed so he has no idea what it means to NOT have a job or financial security. This concerns me, as I was not aware of how out of touch he was. Its sad too because we were seriously thinking about getting married and now Im not so sure anymore.

 

@ Sunshine girl: Im actually glad we are talking about this/projecting into the future because as of before that conversation, us getting married was meant to happen in the next few months, and having our first kid was planned for 2014/2015. So it is kind of an immediate future thing. And I much much rather know this now and make an inform decision about whether I want to move forward with this or not. I regards to him pursuing writing in his spare time, I completely agree. I asked him why he doesn't do it now, on his days off (one of which is a day when Im at work all day so he has the house all by himself) and he said he doesn't know, he has no good reason. Following this conversation he has started to write in the evenings for a bit, and on his day off.

 

@tbf: HE is a dreamer for sure. I didnt know how big until this conversation. I dont necessarily think he is flighty. He stuck to his job for over 5 years (he is in his mid 20s) and did well, but I think he now feels he has the chance to stop working for a paycheck and start working towards his ambitions.

 

 

Overall, I am thinking Im going to have a serious conversation with him. I realize this very well be an issue that may break our relationship which is a shame because we were doing incredibly well. Still I want to talk to him.

 

My point is that though I understand he has goals and ambitions, so have I. I have pursued my goals, though loafty as they may be, without relying on anyone financially to do so. I have worked nonstop since I was 14 years old. I put myself through college, masters and now finishing up my doctoral program, to reach a dream of mine that I had since I was 9 years old. My parents didn't help me financially, as they were not able to, I worked full time in undergrad to pay my way thru college, and worked part time all thru grad school as well, even though sometimes it felt impossible. Still did it. And if I can do it, so can he. He can work at the very (VERY) least in a part time basis, while he writes and gets his stuff published. His friend, who is also a writer, works full time, and though he hates his day job, it fuels him to work hard in his writing. He has landed a nice deal, and his work has paid off, all while still being a responsible, hard working adult.

 

So this is what Im planning to say....thoughts???

[Mr. Lucky]

A few days ago my partner asked me how I would feel if once I graduated and got a job he became a stay at home husband/father. I was taken aback, as it had never occurred to me that I would ever become the breadwinner of a family. I always thought that to be in a healthy relationship both partners pitch in equally, both financially and in the home. I said that I was not comfortable with that, and that I didnt think I could financially provide for our family alone.

I guess my POV is contrarian but what does this say about the millions of SAHM's ??? Why, if you do have kids who would benefit from a parent at home, is it predetermined that person should be female?

 

Mr. Lucky

[4givrnt4gtr]

I guess my POV is contrarian but what does this say about the millions of SAHM's ??? Why, if you do have kids who would benefit from a parent at home, is it predetermined that person should be female?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Its not about that at all. I personally wouldn't want to be a SAHM because its not fair to him to have to bear the burden financially on his own. Which is why it boggled my mind when he asked me to do it. Its not the 50s anymore, and life and kids are expensive. One set of shoulders carrying all that leads to nothing more than resentment.

[Zapbasket]

 

@ Greencove: Ive tried to have that conversation. His response is that he wants to create a screenplay, and make movies (which is what he got his degree in). Alternatively, he wants to sell his photography. All of which is fine and dandy...And though I knew he wanted to pursue all this, I never imagined that he would stop working his day job completely before even having a sliver of success in either field and basically relying on me to pursue it all. He literally said that without having any responsibilities and being free he may be more likely to focus on his writing. I told him that there is no such a thing as not having responsibilities as an adult, and that what he was doing was shoving his responsibilities to me, so he could be "free". He appeared shocked to hear this and forcefully said that this was not the case at all and that he would never be a bum just hanging out at home doing nothing but that what he was going to do may not pay right away.

 

I totally hear you; just keep in mind, though, that there are a lot of other definitions of "responsible" than simply "holding a 9-5 job." If he has a good work ethic, and can work under his own steam without someone breathing down his neck, then he can pursue his creative goals in a way that does make him a responsible partner. Know that when you are with a writer or photographer or musician, their work is often unreliable and often the pay sucks. My best friend is married to a writer, supporting the two of them on a 50k salary. He's home much of the time, but he has also won a 20k writing fellowship, was just accepted into a PhD program on fellowship, has started a literary magazine funded by Kickstarter, and just had a major university press publish some of his poetry translations. None of these things is lucrative in and of themselves, but he works at it responsibly, and takes care of my friend in all of the intangible ways, if not financially. He is a good man and a good husband and she accepts that he is an artist and accepts, with him, the uncertainty of such a profession.

 

I'm just pointing out that just because someone wants to find an alternative to a 9-5 job doesn't automatically mean he's off in the clouds. I lived most of my life in a big city that is very driven to financial success, but now live in a mountain town filled with people who decided they wanted a different lifestyle than the drudgery of a 9-5. Some of them are , yes, but many raise families and make good lives for themselves and their families even while they ski during their work lunch breaks and invest in a lot of expensive recreational equipment.

 

I do think you have a legitimate point that it seems he is hoping you will underwrite his pursuits. Is there a compromise you could be happy with? If he freelanced, or kept a part-time job while he pursued his writing, and was supportive of you emotionally and helped around the house and all things considered was an "equal," would that be acceptable to you?

 

I also told him that this whole notion of having kids, writing and photography and traveling all at once was crazy.

 

You need to tell him that he can pursue ONE of these, but not all of them at once. I agree that's pretty "pie-in-the-sky" of him.

 

Bottom line is that if to you, "equal" and "responsible" partner means bringing in a steady paycheck and making good money, they you'd best not date or marry someone with artistic aspirations.

 

 

 

 

My point is that though I understand he has goals and ambitions, so have I. I have pursued my goals, though loafty as they may be, without relying on anyone financially to do so. I have worked nonstop since I was 14 years old. I put myself through college, masters and now finishing up my doctoral program, to reach a dream of mine that I had since I was 9 years old. My parents didn't help me financially, as they were not able to, I worked full time in undergrad to pay my way thru college, and worked part time all thru grad school as well, even though sometimes it felt impossible. Still did it. And if I can do it, so can he. He can work at the very (VERY) least in a part time basis, while he writes and gets his stuff published. His friend, who is also a writer, works full time, and though he hates his day job, it fuels him to work hard in his writing. He has landed a nice deal, and his work has paid off, all while still being a responsible, hard working adult.

 

So this is what Im planning to say....thoughts???

 

I don't think you should judge what he does on the basis of what you had to do to get your goals met. "I had to do this, so should you" is not a good mindset with which to go into this discussion.

[4givrnt4gtr]

If he has a good work ethic, and can work under his own steam without someone breathing down his neck, then he can pursue his creative goals in a way that does make him a responsible partner.

 

I do believe he has great work ethic. In his current employment he works really hard, volunteers when they need someone, has never missed a day of work since I met him. So i would say yes, and It would be great if he did get to achieve his goals.

 

 

If he freelanced, or kept a part-time job while he pursued his writing, and was supportive of you emotionally and helped around the house and all things considered was an "equal," would that be acceptable to you?

YES!!!! This would be completely ideal! After talking with a close friend, I decided to sit him down and tell him this is probably the best way for us to move forward. That way his need to pursue his goal is met, while my need of not being the sole provider is also met. If on the other hand he isn't happy with this, I don't know if I can see a long term commitment where I am solely responsible for our financial well being (not counting savings).

 

Bottom line is that if to you, "equal" and "responsible" partner means bringing in a steady paycheck and making good money, they you'd best not date or marry someone with artistic aspirations.

 

No necessarily making good money, but definitely bringing in some sort of steady income, small as it may be. I get the arts are just as respectable job as any other, but I also know that even those who are serious about it, still embrace the reality of having a rent to pay, and do what they need to cover those necessities without having to rely on their spouse 100%.

 

Also, you are right, I have never EVER dated someone with artistic aspirations because of this reason. However, up til today he HAS been working in the industry he wants, WITH a steady paycheck. When I met him, he said he loved it, and wanted to move up in his company. Like I said, when his job responsibilities changed, so his desire to continue working in the company, and suddenly, now he just wants to stop working altogether. As I said, totally blindsided by this.

 

We'll see what happens now. Im really really sad about this whole thing. I can't believe this happened

 

Thank you so much for your responses by the way. Truly help me sort out how I want to handle this.

[CarrieT]

I have a question for the OP - is he writing NOW?

 

I am a writer. I have a book contract but I also create artwork that is in galleries around the country, but to write, I have to write every single day.

 

This is critical. Is he a wanna-be writer or is he actually WRITING right now?

 

If someone has the calling to be a writer, they need to follow that calling by doing the deed on a daily basis. If he just has these lofty dreams of being a stay-at-home Dad because he believes that it will give him space and time to write THEN - and he is not currently writing - then he is nothing other than a dreamer.

 

Just some insight into the world of writing...

[4givrnt4gtr]

I have a question for the OP - is he writing NOW?

 

I am a writer. I have a book contract but I also create artwork that is in galleries around the country, but to write, I have to write every single day.

 

This is critical. Is he a wanna-be writer or is he actually WRITING right now?

 

If someone has the calling to be a writer, they need to follow that calling by doing the deed on a daily basis. If he just has these lofty dreams of being a stay-at-home Dad because he believes that it will give him space and time to write THEN - and he is not currently writing - then he is nothing other than a dreamer.

 

Just some insight into the world of writing...

 

No, until we had the conversation where I asked him why he wasn't writing now, he was not writing. After that conversation (this was Sunday night) I think he has actually sat down to write twice, that I know of. The one time I saw it, he didn't do it for too long. So yes, I guess he is a wanna be writer.

 

What he said was that he once took a vacation after college, where he spent 6 months just writing, and he was able to do two different scripts. He wants to have that chance again.

[4givrnt4gtr]

You're going to have to be straight up with him. Let him know that you're making comprises for him, and that he should do the same. A relationship is made up of compromises.

 

If you truly see a future with this man, sit his ass down, and tell him exactly what you've been telling us.

 

 

Definitely, I think I have no other choice because me trying to rationalize his request has not worked at all. Thank you so much.

[Mr. Lucky]

Its not about that at all. I personally wouldn't want to be a SAHM because its not fair to him to have to bear the burden financially on his own. Which is why it boggled my mind when he asked me to do it. Its not the 50s anymore, and life and kids are expensive. One set of shoulders carrying all that leads to nothing more than resentment.

Only true if your priorities are those things that only money can buy. I (and many others) never resented our SAH spouses because they provided something priceless to our children. If you have kids, you may someday feel differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tbf]

Only true if your priorities are those things that only money can buy. I (and many others) never resented our SAH spouses because they provided something priceless to our children. If you have kids, you may someday feel differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

No offense but why are you bringing up the 1950s? It's not the OPs responsibility to make a political statement using her relationship.

[melodymatters]

What if he was a lottery winner or a trust fund kid, would you mind then if you still worked "your path" for lack of a better term, and he sat home playing ping pong ?

 

Same scenario, but he's writing and volunteering and other productive things ?

 

Is it the money, or is it the ambition and drive ? I am not asking in any sort of negative way: I feel your confusion and am trying to put myself in your shoes.

 

I've always thought that one should be willing and able to pay half the bills, though often life doesn't work out that way, or one's partner and oneself come up with other arrangements for mutually beneficial reasons. If one partner can meet that 50/50 level with passive investments while the other struggles is that fair ? I've been there on both sides and I still don't know:(

 

I guess that would be a good question for you to ask yourself : If money were no object, is it his drive and work ethic or lack thereof that is bothering you ?

[4givrnt4gtr]

What if he was a lottery winner or a trust fund kid, would you mind then if you still worked "your path" for lack of a better term, and he sat home playing ping pong ?

 

Same scenario, but he's writing and volunteering and other productive things ?

 

Is it the money, or is it the ambition and drive ? I am not asking in any sort of negative way: I feel your confusion and am trying to put myself in your shoes.

 

I've always thought that one should be willing and able to pay half the bills, though often life doesn't work out that way, or one's partner and oneself come up with other arrangements for mutually beneficial reasons. If one partner can meet that 50/50 level with passive investments while the other struggles is that fair ? I've been there on both sides and I still don't know:(

 

I guess that would be a good question for you to ask yourself : If money were no object, is it his drive and work ethic or lack thereof that is bothering you ?

 

Hm....this is what I think it is....and I guess maybe Im wrong for this, Im still trying to figure it out....

 

I think...if there is a situation (lottery winner or trust fund or whatnot) where we BOTH get to stay home and pursue our passions without EITHER one of us having that pressure of providing financially and knowing that if the one working loses his/her job we all are screwed, then by all means. He can go on write to his heart content, then go to the nearest soup kitchen, while I provide my services free of charge at my leisure, and then go on to take up Tango dancing and guitar playing. It would be a wonderful life.

 

But since thats NOT the life we have, I feel it is unfair that while I have to work 50+ hours so we can keep a roof over our heads, he gets to stay home to pursue his passions, counting on my hard work to be ok financially.

 

Basically, if we BOTH dont get to do it, NEITHER should get to do it. I sound selfish, I realize that...but I feel like if, right now that we are young, with a whole life ahead of us, we BOTH put in the hard work and hours, maybe we will be able to then BOTH take it easy together, and do what we like in the end, maybe even sooner than if just one of us works. I guess thats whats bugging me....

[melodymatters]

....And that makes a LOT of sense ! I think I would feel the same. I've dated men who made tons more and men who barely cleared minimum wage, but the lesser paid workers worked so hard for that little bit of money I respected them so much. There is something manly about work...

 

If we both were basically starting out, in your situation more or less, yeah, I think that would bother me too.

 

It would be one thing if you both were working, you had a child and one of you got laid off and the other got a promotion, it would make sense at that particular time.

 

This is him seemingly wanting a teenage do-over on your dime.

 

I feel really bad for you 4G, nice guy, good relationship, but one flaw that could be a major cause of resentment down the road.

 

[4givrnt4gtr]

I feel really bad for you 4G, nice guy, good relationship, but one flaw that could be a major cause of resentment down the road.

 

 

Yup which is why I feel that, given that he IS a wonderful guy overall, and has thus far done nothing but support me emotionally and helping me with chores around the house, and make me happy as best as he can, maybe we can reach a compromise. (had he not so many wonderful points going for him, this whole thing would probably mean major deal/relationship breaker). What has been suggested, that I tell him I need a compromise to work part time in gainful employment, while he works on his writing career feels much better than him not working (with pay) at all.

I truly pray he does have our best interest in mind. If that is the case I think we may actually be able to get through this. I hope so anyway.

[Mr. Lucky]

No offense but why are you bringing up the 1950s? It's not the OPs responsibility to make a political statement using her relationship.

A political statement? I'm trying to make a family-friendly statement and raising the point that a time may come where priorities may change.

 

Regardless, had my say and will bow out ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[4givrnt4gtr]

SO!!!

 

Just to give the resolution to this little mess....

 

My SO came home, and I think he had noticed how upset Ive been about all this. He asked me if I had any more feelings about the whole thing, and I told him that though I love him dearly and hope to be supportive of his dreams, I really REALLY needed him to be gainfully employed, even if it was just part time. He did not skip a beat, had no qualms about it and said "sure!" I told him that I figured he could still work on his writing and have at least some type of income that would avoid him burning through his savings. He agreed and even laughed when I said that maybe this way we could both work really hard and perhaps retire early. He said he was not planning on retiring at all, and wanted to have a long prolific life writing. He also said that he thought about it before he even asked me and felt that it was best for him to keep a full time paid employment until his writing took off and he could totally live off of his writing, but not stop working until then. Im so relieved and glad we are both on the same page again. Such a huge burden off of my shoulders.

 

So it all turned out well, thankfully. There is a reason why I love this man

[Els]

Honestly, if you feel this arrangement won't work out for you, you should not force yourself into it.

 

IMO there is nothing wrong with a SAHD, or a SAHM. But it isn't everyone's cup of tea. It's totally okay for you to not want a SAHD, just as it's totally okay for a guy not to want a SAHM. Really, it is. In this case, I think you're lucky that he has bared his intentions prior to the actual marriage and kids. So if they are not compatible with yours, it would be a good time to leave. 1 year is not that big of an investment yet.

[Els]

Eep, posted before the page refreshed. Good on you, then.