Ponders Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 "As human beings we share a tendency to scramble for certainty whenever we realize that everything around us is in flux. In difficult times the stress of trying to find solid ground—something predictable to stand on—seems to intensify. But in truth, the very nature of our existence is forever in flux. Everything keeps changing, whether we’re aware of it or not." This passage from "The Fundamental Ambiguity of Being Human" by Pema Chodron exemplifies the inner turmoil I am currently coping with and how some rationalizations are helping me get past it. It has been six days since my girl and I mutually agreed it would be for the best if we took some time apart without contact. Although we never strapped a title onto our situation, we had been exclusive with each other for six months. I realize six months is not very long, but our relationship was founded in a pressure cooker as we live in the same triple decker apartment complex. There are three units in the building broken down into first, second and third floor apartments. I live in the second floor unit while she occupies the third floor and we are directly connected by a main door into the house. Despite the close proximity, our paths did not cross until we had already been living in the house for three months. As soon as we did connect, IT WAS ON. The intensity of our relationship was rapidly accelerated by the availability and sexual drive we had for one another. It was super convenient to hook up and we both really enjoyed having an affectionate body one floor away. ****, I didn't even have to go out in the cold all winter to get laid-- it fell into my lap. We didn't go on very many dates as most of the time we spent together took place in her room listening to music, chilling, smoking weed and having sex. As months of this behavior went by, I began to question our long term compatibility. There are some things I dislike about her and her values don't really align with mine. I just could not see myself settling down with her long term and have had thoughts that if we were living in different places, I probably wouldn't take the effort to make her my girlfriend anyways. We started this endeavor with open lines of communication and with the pretext that we were not sustainable as a couple. She was a few months removed from a 5 year relationship (she's twenty-two) at that time so it would be a force to think she was ready to give me her heart. I also told her I wasn't looking for anything serious so we agreed to keep it casual. After months of spending most nights together our feelings for each other blossomed into much more than we were expecting. If we were not together, she would be keep in touch all day through text messages so during this period we never fell out of touch for very long. I believe at any point during the past six months had either one of us had said, "**** it, be mine", we would be dating right now. Since we played the fence for song long not wanting to commit to one another, it finally came to a head and both realized that we needed space from each other. This past week has been hard as I have faced bouts of jealousy, insecurities and a general longing to have her back even though I know shes not right for me in the long run. The mind likes comfort and familiarity which is why I am having these thoughts. It makes this break up ten times harder than what I've experienced in past relationships as I can hear her footsteps above me, when she leaves/comes home and when she has people over. I keep finding myself wondering what she is doing or who she is hanging out with. While typing this I heard the front door close so I looked out the window and sure enough I see her and her friend leaving the building... I really wish I had not looked. With my heart of hearts I want to be out there exploring everything the world has to offer and this includes the opportunity to sleep with numerous women and explore everything that comes with the joys of new romance. I am a twenty-two year old male living in a major city so beautiful women are in abundance. This is where the wisdom from the top comes into play. I am coping with this situation by knowing as humans, we constantly try to grab at pleasure and avoid pain. If I were to decide I couldn't take feeling this way anymore, I could try and make her my girlfriend, but then when I think about being with her I know I would feel bad about myself for being weak and that long term it's not what I want. I am trying to come to terms with the idea of her coming home with a guy and them being intimate. This is the thought that pains me the most. I am taking every step possible to try and put her out of my mind and not go crazy. Any advice or wisdom would be appreciated.
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