doglover Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) Hi I have just joined and I would really like some advice please! In relationship with 45yr old man for 9 months. He swept me off my feet, marriage, babies etc. After 2 weeks he told me has PTSD and doesn't enjoy busy city bars clubs etc. I understood this. However, at start of relationship he took me to dinner in busy restaurant, once to theatre and cinema. For last 6 months we have gone nowhere except walking with my dog. He says it is down to his PTSD and that he doesn't enjoy dining out. He plays golf Sat and Sunday every weekend without fail and then turns up at mine and we just watch TV! I have not been happy and it has caused several rows where he disappears for a few days until he comes grovelling back. However, 3 weeks ago we had blazing row. We both had 3 days off work together. He spent the first day in bed due to PTSD as exhausted. He works 20 hours a week! The following 2 days were spent on golf course. He turned up on one of these evenings but never went out. The following day I got really angry on phone with him as I felt so undervalued by him. We broke up. He called me a b...h as he said I was out for what 'I could get'! I was very upset as he hasn't bought me anything except usual Xmas/b'day presents but I have also done the same. He sent horrible texts 2 days later which I put down to him being angry, such as he feels sorry for me as my friends don't like me(they do), also why do women get so irrational when relationships break down whereas men just walk away. I replied as very upset that I was ok with breakup but just upset wasting my time with him. He then replied 'do you not want to bury yourself under foundations of your patio'!! I left him for a week and sent text saying I missed him. He replied saying he wasn't sure what best thing to do was as he can't deal with rows as triggers PTSD. He said he needed week to make decision and that he really missed me. Unfortunately I panicked and sent letter and text trying to explain myself and hoping to make him stay. I got text 5 days later saying why bombarding me. He was thinking about our future and I was putting pressure on him and not giving him room to breathe. this was 6 days ago, not heard from him and I didn't reply to that text. Please help with advice. I really miss him. I'm not asking alot. I'm not interested in clubbing, just cinema or meal once a month, nothing more. Esp when I don't complain about him playing golf so much. Thank you all so much Edited May 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs added
Zahara Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I have a feeling he's not very invested in you but "uses" you for the convenience of companionship -- sex as well I am sure. Seems like PTSD, even if he has it, is used as an excuse to keep you expectations at bay. If the man can't even take you out for a meal, and you keep trying to push to make him want to, it should tell you something. And stop trying to undermine your expectations and needs that you desire in a relationship because you need to have someone in your life. You may not be asking for a lot but that's not the problem. He just can't/won't give it to you.
Treasa Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 He's treating you like ****, and frankly I wouldn't be surprised if he had true NPD. He's gaslighting you, and you're acting like a doormat and practically begging for more punishment. This man-child should be left to fend for himself, and you should find someone to talk to about why you would let yourself be treated like this.
Author doglover Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Thanks for your reply. I actually spoke to an ex girlfriend of his from 8 years ago. She also said he will only go to one country pub, which we did go to and walks only, so don;t thinks that's the case. A few weeks ago after a row he had told one of his golf buddies he was really depressed as missing me. This was a week before our final blow out. His ex says everybody has difficulties with him inclu his parents and sister hasn't spoken to him for years. She also suspected he has another underlying mental health problem as well as PTSD. Do you think this is it or might i hear from him again?
Zahara Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Thanks for your reply. I actually spoke to an ex girlfriend of his from 8 years ago. She also said he will only go to one country pub, which we did go to and walks only, so don;t thinks that's the case. A few weeks ago after a row he had told one of his golf buddies he was really depressed as missing me. This was a week before our final blow out. His ex says everybody has difficulties with him inclu his parents and sister hasn't spoken to him for years. She also suspected he has another underlying mental health problem as well as PTSD. Do you think this is it or might i hear from him again? It's funny how a poster comes on here and complains about their partner. When they get responses, the poster will have 72 excuses as to why their partner behaves badly. So, no more complaining. Accept what he gives you. If he doesn't take you out to eat, be quiet and accept that he only comes over after golf, watches TV and has sex with you. Don't complain when he gaslights you and treats you badly because he has PTSD and another form of mental illness. You must accept who he is and forget about having any needs or expectations in the relationship in order to be with this man. If you make excuses to justify his behavior, then accept him for who he is. And I am sure he will call you back because at some point he is going to need his ego stroked, sex and some companionship.
Chi townD Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 PTSD is a real problem for our returning Vets and a lot don't want to admit that they have it. But, once they realize that it is totally affecting their day to day life, a lot (not all..but a lot) tackle the problem head on. As soilders, Airmen, Sailors and Marines they trained to handle problems quickly. You boyfriend seems to relish in the fact that he has it and seems to use it as a crutch, which is kind of odd. What kind of symptoms does he seem to have? Nightmares? Night sweats? Can stand loud noises? depression? Flying off the handle at a moments notice? And is he actively being treated for it? Or is he wearing like a Badge of Honor? If, he in fact, has it. Then, he needs to be treated for it and that's something HE needs to do. You can't help him with that. I wouldn't continue a relationship with him until he active in treatment and is well into recovery. Some of the worse cases of PTSD result in domestic battery. You don't want it getting to the point where you're nothing but a punching bag to him.
markhe Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I'm the ex-bf with PTSD who was dumped by gf after 4 years! I'm a combat vet and it was getting to me! Was crying for her attention for a month! Ya she thought I was selfish but really just wanted her attention. She started talking to another guy and got emotionally involved. Found the evidence on the phone bill hours of conversations. She was supportive at first and wanted me to get help. I was working with the VA but they are very slow to do anything and she got frustrated. I guess she couldn't take anymore. Moral of story is if she really loved and cared for me she would of stuck it out and helped me through it. Someone with PTSD has to want to help themselves though. I checked in VA hospital got back on antidepressants and I'm in much better state of mind. I'm back to taking care of myself and limit my drinking. Hard part is she is no longer in my life. She was my soul mate and best friend! I was always there for her through her trials and tribulations so it hurt really bad when I came home from a trip with the boys and the door locks were changed! So if he cares about you he will get help he needs. I told her how come you didn't tell me get help now or were done! She chose to have an emotional affair when I was in despair! So that's selfish! So it's not easy road but if he's willing things can get better!
Author doglover Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Thank you to you all for your replies. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and is on Venaflaxine(antidepressant). He does, in my opinion use it as a badge of honour I'm ashamed to say. I have only seen him act weird once. Day after a row when he was stopping at my house I came home from work to find him almost in a robotic state, saying he had to get out. He seemed oblivious to the fact I was in the room. He was OK the following day as if nothing had happened. He says his mother has Bipolar so not sure if he has signs of that too. Unfortunately, I feel I've 'nagged' him away. He did say during last spout of horrible texts that due to my nagging he had lost attraction for me. I was gutted. During those texts he said he had been committed to me and loved me, and he thinks underneath all the anger he does still love me. I just want to sit down and talk face to face but he's not in contact and I don't want to push him away further by contacting him again. The worst part was I was on fertility drugs after 5 months of relationship and yet now he doesn't appear to acknowledge I even exist. I just want him talk.
Author doglover Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Also Markhe, I have read that alot of people with PTSD have substance abuse issues, but he doesn't. He just can't cope in busy bars and confined spaces as he gets hypervigilant which I understand and I would never dream of asking him to do. I have tried to discuss it with him but he just clams up. I have even offered couples counselling which he said I was lying about saying I'd go and that I should be ashamed of myself for pretending to know about PTSD! I can't seem to win
Chi townD Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Also Markhe, I have read that alot of people with PTSD have substance abuse issues, but he doesn't. He just can't cope in busy bars and confined spaces as he gets hypervigilant which I understand and I would never dream of asking him to do. I have tried to discuss it with him but he just clams up. I have even offered couples counselling which he said I was lying about saying I'd go and that I should be ashamed of myself for pretending to know about PTSD! I can't seem to win Sounds like he has a more close and personal relationship with his PTSD that with you. Sad. Well, here's the deal. You can't talk to someone that doesn't want to talk. If he wants this to be the end of the relationship, then...that's that. Not what you wanted to hear, but if he's not willing to bend and meet you half way...what more can you do. Look, I know you love and care for the guy. I get that. But, it seems to be more one-sided, and that's not fair to you.
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