AZA Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Day after the break up. I just woke up and I feel the feelings all over again. I focused my energies a lot on what people were telling me and by the time I was going to bed I was feeling a bit better. I have spent a lot of time with friends and talking to different people but it's not enough. I don't feel anything from it that's significant. I'm angry. I hate I let myself get hurt by someone for 9 months who didn't feel the same way I did. My body is aching and stomach hurts. I feel a bit sick from having to experience this. I don't know what to do. Can someone help me? 1
GI_Joy Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Day after the break up. I just woke up and I feel the feelings all over again. I focused my energies a lot on what people were telling me and by the time I was going to bed I was feeling a bit better. I have spent a lot of time with friends and talking to different people but it's not enough. I don't feel anything from it that's significant. I'm angry. I hate I let myself get hurt by someone for 9 months who didn't feel the same way I did. My body is aching and stomach hurts. I feel a bit sick from having to experience this. I don't know what to do. Can someone help me? OP, breathe. The wounds are very fresh right now, not even 48 hours has past since it happened. Don't expect to feel back to normal right away. Allow yourself to grieve. I had the same thoughts you had when I went through my break-up. Know that you're not alone, I suggest you browse through this forum and you'll realize that there are many other people who have experienced what you have, there is a lot of great advice on here that had helped me get through the sh*tty feelings. 1
ConfusedT Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Yes, it is going to be hard especially the first few WEEKS. Its been 3 weeks and i still have my ups and downs (i left him by the way), but it does and will get better. The physical pain goes away too and so does the not eating, not sleeping, etc, etc. It just takes time, everything takes time and time takes so long... Have faith you will get through this! 2
youngnlove89 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 It's been almost 3 weeks for me. If you can learn anything from me, it's that you should never contact your ex first. Don't set yourself up for failure. They will either reply and not be able to give you what you want to hear or they will ignore you. Both options are icky. Both options leave you feeling worse. So stick with NC. It's fresh for you. You are in the beginning. You are going to go through a WIDE range of emotions over the next few weeks. Some days you will feel great (indenial, shock), some days you will feel sad, some days angry, some days you will feel like you regret things and you'll think what if? And some days you will experience every emotion possible in 24 hours. It's crazy. It's definitely something you have to go through though, unfortunately. There is no way around it. Just keep posting. Start a journal. Go to the gym. It's okay to cry, it's okay to listen to sappy songs. Go for a drive and blast the music. Read a good book, watch a movie. Learn to be alone. Learn to be okay with it. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. Never feel lonely, because you aren't. Give yourself as much time as your heart needs, don't ever feel like your feelings are "wrong". They are normal. It's okay to feel sad for a long time. You lost someone you loved. You are grieving. Go to wimp.com Watch funny videos. Go to Starbucks, get a coffee and read a book. Take a nap. Get a part time job. Walk around the mall. Go to a pet store and play with the puppies. Keep yourself busy. Learn to love you again. Write down why things didn't work out. Write down what you want and don't want in a person. Write down what you love about yourself. Write down what you should change about yourself. Look in the mirror, smile and say, "I love you" and mean it. Take it one day at a time. Don't look into the future right now. Don't ask what if. Don't ask why. Just take in today and plan for tonight. That's it. In the morning, be proud that you got through another day. Pat yourself on the back and do it again. 6
TheMink Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) Day after the break up. I just woke up and I feel the feelings all over again. I focused my energies a lot on what people were telling me and by the time I was going to bed I was feeling a bit better. I have spent a lot of time with friends and talking to different people but it's not enough. I don't feel anything from it that's significant. I'm angry. I hate I let myself get hurt by someone for 9 months who didn't feel the same way I did. My body is aching and stomach hurts. I feel a bit sick from having to experience this. I don't know what to do. Can someone help me? Firstly I have to tell you that you're not alone. As a matter of fact I just came out a 9 month relationship, just like you. I had never loved someone so much, or cared about anyone so much (she suffered from depression and anxiety from childhood traumas), and I literally wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And about a month ago it all came crashing down. While my feelings were getting stronger and stronger each day, hers were doing the opposite. The break up came out of the blue, she was bored, unhappy and had lost feelings for me. So trust me when I say this, I know exactly how you feel. And let me tell you that what you're feeling at the moment is completely normal. I went through exactly what you're going through right now. But what sucks about it is that no matter what I say, or anyone else here says, it's not going to make things that much easier, or hurt any less. But do you know what is going to make things worse? Talking to her. So don't do it!! I made that mistake. I stopped trying to beg her to take me back and I came here. This is a great place to vent what you're feeling, so do it! There are a lot of more experienced people on here than I am, so listen to them Just a heads up...the next few weeks are going to hurt...bad! But it's nothing that you can't handle. You're going to have ups and downs, good days, and bad days. One month on I still have mood swings. Just the other day I had a dream of her coming back to me, and it ruined my entire day. Some days I want to beg her to come back and tell her how much I love her, and others I just want to tell her how what she's done to me is evil and I absolutely hate her. But instead I just come here. These experiences are what make us stronger. So don't let her break you! She doesn't deserve you. The best payback is showing her that you don't care. So block her on FB, delete her number etc. Do not respond to her. She's pushed you out of her life, so she definitely doesn't deserve to be a part of yours. Stay strong. You've got all of our support, and we know what you're going through. But trust me, it will get easier. If someone as sensitive and emotionally unstable as me can get through this, so can you. One day at a time. Best of luck! Edited May 23, 2013 by TheMink 4
Author AZA Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 It's been almost 3 weeks for me. If you can learn anything from me, it's that you should never contact your ex first. Don't set yourself up for failure. They will either reply and not be able to give you what you want to hear or they will ignore you. Both options are icky. Both options leave you feeling worse. So stick with NC. It's fresh for you. You are in the beginning. You are going to go through a WIDE range of emotions over the next few weeks. Some days you will feel great (indenial, shock), some days you will feel sad, some days angry, some days you will feel like you regret things and you'll think what if? And some days you will experience every emotion possible in 24 hours. It's crazy. It's definitely something you have to go through though, unfortunately. There is no way around it. Just keep posting. Start a journal. Go to the gym. It's okay to cry, it's okay to listen to sappy songs. Go for a drive and blast the music. Read a good book, watch a movie. Learn to be alone. Learn to be okay with it. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. Never feel lonely, because you aren't. Give yourself as much time as your heart needs, don't ever feel like your feelings are "wrong". They are normal. It's okay to feel sad for a long time. You lost someone you loved. You are grieving. Go to wimp.com Watch funny videos. Go to Starbucks, get a coffee and read a book. Take a nap. Get a part time job. Walk around the mall. Go to a pet store and play with the puppies. Keep yourself busy. Learn to love you again. Write down why things didn't work out. Write down what you want and don't want in a person. Write down what you love about yourself. Write down what you should change about yourself. Look in the mirror, smile and say, "I love you" and mean it. Take it one day at a time. Don't look into the future right now. Don't ask what if. Don't ask why. Just take in today and plan for tonight. That's it. In the morning, be proud that you got through another day. Pat yourself on the back and do it again. Thank you, Youngnlove89. This allowed me to slow down and embrace things with less stress. Taking in today and planning for tonight makes it easier to get through the day, not thinking about tomorrow or anything that isn't right here and right now. I've been trying to keep busy. I've started a journal on my phone that I take everywhere I go, so I'm always documenting overwhelming thoughts and emotions. Thanks again, this helped. Day 4. I'm a little hungover today. I'm feeling angry about being forced into a grieving position. And I'm angry because the most important part of my life is now gone and I'm left feeling empty. All that space was filled with something beautiful. And now it has been replaced with anger, at least when my mind tries to think about it-which is often. That anger though, to be truthful, is toward myself for letting things come to this. For not being able to manage my life and judgments within the constraints or 'rules' of this 'game'. I'm trying not regret anything. I can barely recognize her when I think about her. I can't remember what things felt like with her. My mind is shutting out the memories by itself and I feel as in this moment as I can. This upsets me, too because I know what we had was really nice. This event in my life is absolutely traumatizing. I'm almost 23 and I've never had my heart broken like this. I should have experienced this on a less important level in high school or something to warm up to one like this where there's a lot more meaning involved. I can feel things changing inside of me. I don't think I'll be the same person. I can't clearly identify what I'm turning into just yet. But I can see that it's something stronger, more confident, and less tolerant of negativity. I feel like I'm getting taller. I feel a strong sense of self-empowerment that will help me make better decisions and conduct myself in society with more maturity. I care about and love myself now. There are things I want to work on for myself. And I'd like to talk about them with people who know my situation, people who are unconditionally supportive, and I could keep in touch with to ensure a steady progression.
simplyamazing Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 First, I don't think anything can truly prepare one for their FIRST REAL heart break. I'm 27. My ex was my first real heart break. I've broken up before, but this one hurt more than all the others combined. Second, what worked for me was getting invested in the gym and running. I've lost a bunch of pounds and put on some muscles that I lost because I got comfortable with my ex. Exercising makes me feel good, makes me look better, and I can people watch if I want. It really takes my mind off the ex. It's been a month, I still think about her quite a bit, but it's definitely gotten easier. Third, I have a great friend that I was able to talk to, and he told me the things I needed to hear. Good friends are vital. I also came here and read a bunch of posts and such before I started posting myself. It actually helps knowing that people are in similar situations, and there is some great advice here. Fourth, I try to stay busy. I've been to the movie theater about 10 times in the past 2 weeks, for example. I love movies, and I work at night... so I go there when I'm not at the gym or sleeping. Lastly, I would recommend staying away from alcohol during this time. It could definitely cause more problems than it would solve with the temporary relief. 1
cromagnon Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Hey, its difficult for anyone here to help you understand this but it does actually get better, for some faster, for some more slowly Of course i appreciate that as you are going through it, its hard to be objective about your own pain. What helped me a lot is changing my routine a little here and a little there. I stopped drinking coffee past 6pm for example, ive started cooking for myself most nights rather than eating out of a box, rearranged my room around (even though i liked it before) These are tools that help rejig your brain slightly and get you accustomed to new experiences to the point that you get used to them and eventually end up preferring them. You an of course do other things like go to the gym, go out with friends, but these things arent always available to you when you feel at your lowest, so try and do slightly different things around the house to get your brain a)thinking about something else and b)prepping your brain for it adjusting to new experiences
Author AZA Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) I think I just had a mood swing. I was feeling confident and all until I started wondering how I could ever find what I had in her in someone else. I can feel so many different thoughts trying to get at me. And I can see the progression as it gets more dark: -She was amazing -How could I replace her? -Why should I replace her? -Fight for love. Try again. Take a different approach. -I love her. -Beg for her. -Where is she? How can I contact her? -I feel lonely, my stomach feels weak. -She doesn't love me. She never did. -I don't want to be alive, this sucks. -I'm scared. -I can't cope. I'm getting anxiety. -I 'need' someone to talk to; friends; counsellors; psychologists -I'm in crisis -I hate myself, it's all my fault. I don't deserve to live if I messed up. -I will never replace her. She was the one and I blew it. I can't and don't want to live with myself. I refuse to forgive myself. -*seeing self-pity thoughts as truth* -*instability* It's like some sick abyss that seduces me by these thoughts. Pulling me into hating myself and not letting me move forward. I am very concerned about how I could ever replace what I had with her, and that does make me scared. I just don't want to lose sight of how confident I felt about this process just a few minutes ago when I posted last. One thing I will admit, is that this is the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my almost 23 years. Some of the friends I was talking to are moving to the other side of the country. My best friend was the girl I was seeing. When my friends leave, I'll have no one that'll be close to me. I have to get myself together and learn to be independent. I'm starting to cry as I type this because of the pressures this situation has put on me. I don't understand why this stuff happened. I've loved her for so long and just wanted to prove to her that I was the best guy for her to be with. I kept messing up because I needed more from her and she wasn't ready to give it to me. I didn't know how she felt about me. I just needed to feel that she cared about me or had some feelings for me. I knew she wanted space but I didn't give it to her because I was selfish and pushing for more so we could be in a place where I would know she cared. I was so damn confident that it would work. I was so confident for 6 years. That we'd end up together for the extended-long-term. Uggghhh... ... .. I think I just broke down. >_> Edited May 25, 2013 by AZA
Author AZA Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 I don't have any energy to do anything. I feel like ****. As soon as I type this, my mind shifts and asks "Why? What's the point of feeling negative?"... o_O I don't know what the hell feelings are going on right now. I wish I had someone I could talk to maybe 1 on 1. <-- a 'seductive' thought I identified in my previous post. Is this just a cycle? I need to get out and do something. But I don't want to be with any friends I've been with before. I want to do something completely fresh but with people I would still be proud of being with. I feel nothing right now. Just blank. This is so weird. How can a breakup do this to someone? Emotions are stupid.
TheMink Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 (edited) I don't have any energy to do anything. I feel like ****. As soon as I type this, my mind shifts and asks "Why? What's the point of feeling negative?"... o_O I don't know what the hell feelings are going on right now. I wish I had someone I could talk to maybe 1 on 1. <-- a 'seductive' thought I identified in my previous post. Is this just a cycle? I need to get out and do something. But I don't want to be with any friends I've been with before. I want to do something completely fresh but with people I would still be proud of being with. I feel nothing right now. Just blank. This is so weird. How can a breakup do this to someone? Emotions are stupid. What you're going through in regards to the mood swings is completely normal. I went through them just like you, and still am. One day I'm thinking 'You know what, I'm an awesome person, and I treated her the best that I possibly could and if she can't realise that and value me, then it's her loss'. And you know a couple days later I'm laying on my bed in a mess of negative feelings and emotions having an anxiety attack. I'll tell you some of my story. She was my first love, and I had never been so infatuated with another human being. She was just so beautiful, funny, weird and quirky like me, she dressed grungy, was short and cute with blonde hair. She was what I thought my ideal girlfriend, and I put her up on a pedestal. I loved her, and she loved me (or so I thought). I felt a pull towards her because she was 'damaged'. She was abused as a child, lived in a violent household, divorced parents, saw someone try to kill themselves. And she suffered from mental problems etc. So I cared for her, was always there to talk, support her, and one stage she broke down in my arms telling me about one of her experiences. I became emotionally invested in her well being, more than I think a normal couple would be. So, this girl was my life for the span of the relationship. I had never had such a close personal friend, and neither had she. We had our issues like all couples, but it all came crashing down one day. She said that she was sick of my 'insecurities' that I had about myself, that she was bored in the relationship and had lost her feelings for me. It was the most terrible feeling that I had experienced. With each day that my feelings became stronger for her, she was falling out of love. How did I deal with you may ask? Well I didn't really. I tried begging her back, I tried to be friends, tried going NC (well she didn't like that). And she turned into a bitch. Doing things that deliberately hurt me etc. We no longer talk, she's blocked me on FB, I don't know her number. So basically we've cut each other out of our lives. Those feelings that you had about feeling that she was 'the one', and that she was perfect for you. I had those, and I still do. All of those feelings that you talked about above. I had those, and I still do. But just less frequently. Just reading your post made me experience them all over again. You're going to keep having all these up and down feelings. It's just one of those things that you've got 'brave the storm' so to speak. But trust me you'll get through it, 5 weeks on after the breakup things have gotten somewhat easier. If you need someone to talk to you, talk to your friends and family. Because I've had to, because that person that was my everything, that I could talk to about everything and she'd support me, is gone. But you'll get through this. I went out with friends just last night and had the best night I've had since the breakup. Saw a movie, had dinner, and I saw girls that were more attractive than my ex (I didn't think that day would come!). What you're going through is just a cycle, and from my experience what you've experienced is just the start of it. But it get's easier once the dark clouds clear. Edited May 26, 2013 by TheMink
Author AZA Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 (edited) What you're going through in regards to the mood swings is completely normal. I went through them just like you, and still am. One day I'm thinking 'You know what, I'm an awesome person, and I treated her the best that I possibly could and if she can't realise that and value me, then it's her loss'. And you know a couple days later I'm laying on my bed in a mess of negative feelings and emotions having an anxiety attack. I'll tell you some of my story. She was my first love, and I had never been so infatuated with another human being. She was just so beautiful, funny, weird and quirky like me, she dressed grungy, was short and cute with blonde hair. She was what I thought my ideal girlfriend, and I put her up on a pedestal. I loved her, and she loved me (or so I thought). I felt a pull towards her because she was 'damaged'. She was abused as a child, lived in a violent household, divorced parents, saw someone try to kill themselves. And she suffered from mental problems etc. So I cared for her, was always there to talk, support her, and one stage she broke down in my arms telling me about one of her experiences. I became emotionally invested in her well being, more than I think a normal couple would be. So, this girl was my life for the span of the relationship. I had never had such a close personal friend, and neither had she. We had our issues like all couples, but it all came crashing down one day. She said that she was sick of my 'insecurities' that I had about myself, that she was bored in the relationship and had lost her feelings for me. It was the most terrible feeling that I had experienced. With each day that my feelings became stronger for her, she was falling out of love. How did I deal with you may ask? Well I didn't really. I tried begging her back, I tried to be friends, tried going NC (well she didn't like that). And she turned into a bitch. Doing things that deliberately hurt me etc. We no longer talk, she's blocked me on FB, I don't know her number. So basically we've cut each other out of our lives. Those feelings that you had about feeling that she was 'the one', and that she was perfect for you. I had those, and I still do. All of those feelings that you talked about above. I had those, and I still do. But just less frequently. Just reading your post made me experience them all over again. You're going to keep having all these up and down feelings. It's just one of those things that you've got 'brave the storm' so to speak. But trust me you'll get through it, 5 weeks on after the breakup things have gotten somewhat easier. If you need someone to talk to you, talk to your friends and family. Because I've had to, because that person that was my everything, that I could talk to about everything and she'd support me, is gone. But you'll get through this. I went out with friends just last night and had the best night I've had since the breakup. Saw a movie, had dinner, and I saw girls that were more attractive than my ex (I didn't think that day would come!). What you're going through is just a cycle, and from my experience what you've experienced is just the start of it. But it get's easier once the dark clouds clear. A lot of what you've said here is very close to my own experiences. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry if my posts brought up bad feelings ... Day 5 Last night I came home around midnight. I started thinking that I had to get in touch with who I was before these 9 months where she was in my life. Getting in touch with the control and self-mastery I had over my goals and ambitions would remind me of how confident I was when I wasn't broken. I was practically perfect back then, minus my susceptibility to love related things. I feel like if I could be that person for just 5 minutes, I would be able to summarize this whole experience from the outside, and make it easier to move forward. To really see it as a temporary experience. Something I can almost erase the value I attach to it now. Of course I have grown a lot since then and because of these experiences and though I had more self-love back then, I am still smarter now. I want to somehow remember the good parts about myself back then that could heal me. If I focus on my ambitions again, my career life, myself, and 'do me', maybe that will be better for my life. I'm smarter now with my dealings in social environments and events and I'll be far better when it comes to decision making involving love/romantic things. Her and I are still in contact. I sent her a very real and accepting message on facebook a while back. Basically explaining where my mistakes were coming from and so on and that her and I were never in sync to be in a relationship but I was ready and that complicated things. I said I was sorry for how things were and that I hope her and I can just build a great friendship and over time, maybe she'll realize she wants to try dating. We hungout the next day and I spent the night. I was my confident self from before, and I saw how my self-control came back to me. I wasn't 'all there' just yet, but I was behaving as if I was. And we were able to enjoy each other's company. I believe that if I maintain that and have some patience, things can escalate back into more intimate things. She didn't break things off completely, she just pushed me away so I could focus on myself. I told her she can date other people if she wants, but to just keep me in mind and think about things once in a while because I do feel very strongly. She's an understanding girl and we were best friends for 6 years. I fell in love with her because our friendship was so strong. There is hope, but I'm not biting the bait. I'm treating this like a break up, and moving on with my life regardless because nothing is set in stone with 'hope' or 'faith'. Opportunities through hope and faith can abandon me. Girls and love can leave me. Phases can expire. Life transitions can sneak up on me. But no matter what, I'll be going through it. I'll be here for me, so I'm going to love and put myself FIRST, for the REST of my life, always. It has been a few days since I spoke to her, and like I said, I deleted Facebook. She can get to me by phone, twitter, or email and I'm thinking about sending her a one line email just to let her know I didn't delete fb to avoid her and that she can easily get in touch if she wants. I'm not sure if this the best approach for treating this like a break up 100%, I know there's a no contact rule that is apparently golden. I won't give my heart unless she asks me to be her boyfriend, officially. And I'll start expanding on my life the way I was before. Confident, in control, dominating my situations. Manipulating my surroundings, so to speak, to make my goals in life more possible. I'm a great ****ing person. And break ups and bad feelings happen. But the more dwelling, the more pain. And productive distractions and learning to take on a healthier perspective of things seems to be the answer. Time, too. When any bad feelings come up, I objectively push that feeling to its peak and lead it to the most positive and realistic solution/perspective so I can feel good. That way whenever bad feelings try to sneak in, I can bypass how it wants me to feel and just remember the end result I designed for that thought/feeling. There's no point in dwelling. No point letting negative thoughts take over. Just gotta fight to keep that confident/powerful self activated and running life from here on out. The bad feelings were already felt so why give them more attention when things really can move forward if open to moving forward? ... I have no idea if I'm going to crash from this feeling and I don't really care right now. I have no idea what's going to happen, but I know that in this moment, I'm in control. And I'm not giving that up for anything. So from a personal development point of view, this a system I just designed for myself. Part 1: 1. Feel the feelings fully, with a drive to want to be better. 2. Push the negative feelings to its peak, and come up with the most positive and realistic way to proceed. 3. Do this for whatever different feelings requires it. 4. Whenever bad feelings try to come up, just remember where it's going to end up: your positive and realistic solution for moving on. Part 2: 1. Stop caring about the bad feelings for minute. Free up some room. 2. Visualize yourself before the relationship, or at a point where you in control and not broken. 3. Fill that free room from not caring with that confident self. Part 3: 1. Don't attach so much meaning and value to something that's not around anymore. 2. Take care of self: -new goals, ambitions, working on them. 3. These experiences make people better or worse. So be better. Get intense with it. Things are probably different for different people, but right now this is working for me to at least keep my head on straight. Edited May 26, 2013 by AZA
Flatline Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 I just want to say that we both experienced the same thing on the same day. It's day 5 and I'm right here with you, you're not alone. You're a great ****ing person. Try not to dwell on things. Keep going.
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