silverada Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 I am going to try really hard not to make this long but I need serious help. I met this guy about six months ago. He told me that he was married but seperated. His wife lives in California and we live in Europe. He did not live with his wife, and I knew people who told me that he was seperated and lived apart from his wife for seven years. He told me that his wife and he had remained friends and he just never went through the divorce process because he hadn't met anyone he cared to marry etc... Some bio data as well. There do not have children. He is 36 and his wife is 47. They married when he was 23 and she was 34 and they have been separated since he was 29. Ok so I knew that it was weird but I felt that 7 years of seperation must mean he it would not be difficult to leave if he found the love of his life. And I found him so hard to resist. He pursued me alot. He was very handsome. He was such a perfect boyfriend. He was very careful about my needs. Always so good to me. He pampered me and was so romantic. For my birthday he took me to Venice and he told the hotel desk to give us the honey moon room because we were just married. Since we lived three hours apart, sometimes I was too tired on weekends to drive ( I would have to go there because he worked half days on weekends) to meet him so he would pay a taxi to drive me. He wanted to spend every minute with me. Last month we started talking about getting married. He told me that he wanted me to be his wife and that he has never been happier. We went to tell my parents and he put a ring on my finger. I did not tell my parents he was married because I figured that his marriage would soon be over and I did not need to upset them. When we talked about his divorce he told me he would go to the USA to meet with his wife and ask her for the divorce. A few days later he announced to me that she was coming to visit him and that he would use this opportunity to divorce her. I was very uneasy about her coming here and staying with him. I voiced this concern and was very upset. He told me quote "dont worry silly, I love you, we will get this out of the way and be able to be together forever"... Ok, so I decide to trust him. So she gets here and that is when he vanished for a few days. He stopped calling me. Of course, I did not call him. But I was falling apart. Finally I called him very angry. We spoke in my language so that she wouldn't understand. He started telling me that he was very upset, that she had not taken it well. etc.... That he had to be there for her. Then he said she will be here for two more weeks. I asked him "have you changed your mind" ... are you going back to her". He kept swearing NO, I love you, just give me some time. So ok, I decided to wait. I was feeling very very bad. I was vomiting all day.. At first I thought it was because I very much upset. Then I went to doctor and found out that I am pregnant. I cannot even write the words what happened afterwards. ALL THE LIES that happened. I found her love notes all around the house, in his bed. He never left her and he doesn't want me or my baby. Also my doctors say that there is danger because I take many pills in first day of my pregnancy. Sleeping pills and anti-depressants. I am going mad. I cant talk to anyone about this. This will kill my parents. What am I to do?
moimeme Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 and I knew people who told me that he was seperated and lived apart from his wife for seven years. He never left her Huh? Which is it? If he lives in Europe and she in California, how can he not have left her?
Author silverada Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 What I meant was that he told me he was going to divorce her so we could be married. After she left, he told me that he would do the divorce. Well he hasnt and he does not intend on divorcing her and marrying me at all. He continues to see her they have a long distance relationship. And now that I have a child in my stomach he has told me he flat out does not want to have anything to do with me.
MMBastard Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Oh man, that's f*cked up. Get away from this dude as far as you can......I mean us MM do some weird sh*t, lie,...but this is truly screwed up. What you must do immediatelly as the child is born is seek alimony and make him pay through his *ss, laws out there will protect you. And keep off pills...think of your child primarily...all this stuff happening now is upseting you too much and is not healthy for the kid. You need to tell your parents as well....have them be there for you (if you're European, your dad is probably gonna be heading out there to kill him....hehehe, us Europeans). But seriously, there is a whole new little being here and you MUST think of its wellbeing first. I am so sorry you're going through this....use this forum to vent....don't keep it in. Take care
Author silverada Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 He told me that if I tried to get child support or if his wife found out that he would take the baby away from me and that baby is American citizen. He told me that he will prove that I am crazy. But yes I am crazy now. But I was not crazy before. I am upset who wouldn't be. Is that possible? Can he do what he says? I am so afraid
MMBastard Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 OMG, this guy is human waste..........Yes, the baby CAN be an american citizen, however, this does nothing in terms of him getting custody for the baby. Aside from that......leaving you right when finding out you're pregnant will not work well in his custody case....I highly doubt he could win that. Your country's laws will protect you as a mother (i don't know which country but you can reply or PM me the country and i can find out for you) if there is no threat for the baby i.e. no danger of abuse, financial stability, history of mental instability etc. YOU NEED TO BEHAVE IN A VERY, VERY STABLE MANNER FROM NOW ON. All (tangible) emotional outbursts could, aside from harming your kid, harm your custody case. If everything is normal you should be fine and will keep your kid....In Europe, family laws largely favor the mother (especially in an infant age). We are all here for you so if there is any way to help or consult..... I AM NOW OFFICIALLY ASHAMED OF BEING MALE.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 I'm so sorry Sil for what you are going through! I really do feel for you and what you're feeling... Get a lawyer and fast. Find out what your options are. He is the CRAZY one NOT you!!! You must believe that. You have done NOTHING wrong here my friend. He is a piece of dog sh*t, derserves to be...Well, I can't go there. I just don't know how he is able to sleep at night. I understand the physical reactions you're having about this, I felt sick reading what that a**hole has done to you!! Also, look into some therapy. You need now to put yourself and the baby you're carrying first. Eliminate as much stress as you can..BUT I know that is so hard right now considering what is going on. I am SO MAD for you! I don't know him but I HATE HIM for what he's done to you and this poor innocient child. The therapy will help you cope, deal with all those emotions...I really hope you consider it Sil. All my best and again, hang in there...Talk to your family OK? Let them help you out even if it means they might get upset. You can't go through this alone and you shouldn't have to! Keep posting here, as you can see, you have alot of love and support on this board!! Hugs to you. WWIU
Author silverada Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 Thank you so much for your letters. You have given me the courage to tell my parents. I live in Romania to answer your question.
overseas2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Good God woman that is really terrible. Um, I cant tell you what to do about him except stay away from the antichrist. On the flip side, dont worry about the child. This guy wont want it. And to make you feel better, my friend has a baby she had with someone whom she hates now. She tried to take the child to America and he prevented her by placing an alert with the police in his home country. The child is also a Romanian citizen dear and I am sure your could do something to protect it. By the way, you have eight or so months to think about that. Try to focus on other stuff now, like your well being.
bluechocolate Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 He told me that if I tried to get child support or if his wife found out that he would take the baby away from me and that baby is American citizen. He told me that he will prove that I am crazy. You can ignore that crap 'cause it's garbage. He's just trying to bully you. The baby isn't an American citizen - it will be a citizen of the country into which it is born. And he doesn't have a chance of getting custody if he's abandoned you & you two are not married.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Sil, I'm glad you are telling your parents...And the fact that we helped is wonderful. Makes me feel good because you're doing the right thing...Gonna be hard but it will be so much harder on YOU if you keep it to yourself. Don't be afraid to reach out OK baby?? I'll check back in later this afternoon. It's a gorgeous day outside and I can't sit inside anymore! Hugs to you and I'm glad you posted back so soon. WWIU
MMBastard Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Originally posted by bluechocolate He told me that if I tried to get child support or if his wife found out that he would take the baby away from me and that baby is American citizen. He told me that he will prove that I am crazy. You can ignore that crap 'cause it's garbage. He's just trying to bully you. The baby isn't an American citizen - it will be a citizen of the country into which it is born. True, however, the baby's father can apply for the baby to be given US citizenship (which it will since one of the parents is american).....however, this should not concern you. You will fight for the baby under Romanian laws..... TAke care and DO tell your folks.
overseas2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 MMBastard is right... he can apply to have the child get US Citizenship. But that does not mean that he can just walk into your house and pick up the kid. The child is also a citizen of your country and there are international treaties that actually govern those types of relations as well. Please try not to panick. And yes do tell your folks. They will help you.
bluechocolate Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 True, however, the baby's father can apply for the baby to be given US citizenship --- apply being the operative word --------------------- Children born out of wedlock to a US citizen father will acquire US citizenship if the following conditions are met: There is an established blood relationship between the father and the child The father was a US citizen at the time of the birth The father has agreed to financially support the child until it is 18 and Before the child is 18 it is legitimated, or the father acknowledges paternity in a document signed under oath ---------------------- Given conditons 3 & 4 I don't think you have anything to worry about re: him trying to take your baby from you.
Songstressnostress Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 He's Just NOT THAT INTO YOU... read that book and 101 Lies Men Tell Women and Women Who Believe Them. DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN OR SEPARATED MEN... Jeeze... that's RED FLAG 101!!!
Mr Spock Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 Originally posted by Songstressnostress He's Just NOT THAT INTO YOU... read that book and 101 Lies Men Tell Women and Women Who Believe Them. DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN OR SEPARATED MEN... Jeeze... that's RED FLAG 101!!! Wow, that was so helpful. Really hon, you need to be honest with your family, they'll be the ones who support you. Sue his arse for child support if you are going to keep the baby. He can stomp and fuss but he can't just have his country pull the child out of it's native homeland-it's a bluff. Call it.
SoleMate Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 silverada, I'm so sorry for your painful situation. You are not crazy at all, just under extreme stress from a very cruel betrayal and abandonment. I'm so glad that you have decided to tell your parents. Although I am sure it will be a difficult conversation, nevertheless they are the ones who love you most and will look out for you. What are your big worries now? Have you considered adoption, or are you set on keeping the baby? BTW, I agree with others that it is virtually impossible that your ex-lover will either ask for custody, or be awarded it. I am sure he doesn't want a baby slowing him down. So don't worry about custody battles. I would worry more about my health and my future...oh, and receovering from a broken heart. I'm sure you known now that this relationship never should have gotten started...but that is water under the bridge. Just stay strong, ask for help when you need it, and I hope you will find you can face the future with happy anticipation instead of dread. God bless!
misha&makulu Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 First of all, silverada, I'm very sorry of what you've been through. The baby isn't an American citizen - it will be a citizen of the country into which it is born. bluechocolate is right, and yes, to apply for the naturalization of a child who regularly resides outside the U.S., a Proof of Legitimation is required in the case the child was born out of wedlock. As a prerequisite, the U.S. citizen parent who files the application must have legal and physical custody of the child at the time of filing. Take care, silverada, be strong for your baby, yourself, and everyone who loves and cares for you. ***HUGS***
2ndConfusedfemale Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Hey Silver, I don't think that he would win custody if he tried to fight for custody, but I don't think that he'll fight for custody. I honesty think that he tried to say what he said as a way to scare you into not taking him for child support. I mean, does his wife even know about you and the baby? I don't get the feeling that she knows all of this, and he doesn't want her to know but he DOES know that if you take him for child support she'll find out. So, what does he do? He tells you that if you take him he'll try to take the baby from you. I think he was just trying to silence you. ...if I'm wrong and she does know (and if HE tells you she does you can't really believe him because of the liar he is), then find a way to confirm the fact that she knows you can better prepare yourself for whatever actions they may take. But given the fact that he cheated on his wife, and how he's treating you I doubt a judge would give him and his wife custody since they obviously aren't that stable.
Author silverada Posted October 8, 2004 Author Posted October 8, 2004 Well I told my parents. They were pretty devastated. But of course, they are being very supportive. At first, my mother called me a slut. But then she calmed down when my father told her to stop. And since then they have been good to me. I dont think I want to have an abortion or give up the child for adoption. I am only concerned that the medications I was taking may effect the baby. The doctors are saying that there is a possibility. My mother says that this is reason I should abort. But I dont think that I will do that. I dont know. I am really conflicted. But there is time. I am only in my third week. So I will take time to decide this issue. But there is some more troubling issues that have come up. He has vanished off the face of the earth. I have not call him but I heard from a friend that he has asked to be transfered to the Czech republic. I guess he feels like it is too hot for him to be here. I dont mind he leaves but I feel like he get off as you say scott free. To answer some of your questions. I dont know if his wife knows about me. But from what I have gathered (some of my acquaintences who know him are now speaking up to me in the last few days), they say that she has lived apart from her for 7 years. And that she visits him often, that he has had other girlfriends like this and that then he moves from country to country and that is how he keeps living. I did not tell you all but he is American diplomat here. Also now these people tell me that he was sleeping with prostitutes as well. I AM SO SHOCKED to hear this. I cannot begin to tell you what a nice person he seemed to be to me. He is highly intelligent and very cultured. I feel like this person they tell me about is not the person I was with. AND I swear to God that I am not bad judge of charachter??? Although now I have to question myself. And NOW I have to go have AIDS test for me and for baby? Of course, i have to wait through 6 months for that nightmare to be over. I know that all of you cant really console me. My parents dont even know these last details. I am only afraid to tell them more because they both are old and are weak. News like this can kill parent. I hope that you dont mind that I post and at least your messages help. Thank you very much all of you.
MMBastard Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Wow........motherf*cker.....this guy is scum. I know all this is gonna be very painfull for u but u gotta sue the bastard for alimony......once your child is born it will be very easy to prove he is the father and the embassy can track him down.....i highly doubt his diplomatic immunity will protect him in cases like this (then again, what do I know...I'm not a lawyer...). I'm not sure whether you should inflict more emotional strain on your parents at this time......probably best to wait a bit. In the meantime keep healthy and stress free.....both for yourself and the baby. Take care MMB
overseas2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Gosh this has got to be one of the worst stories I have heard. Be strong girl. Anyway, here is some good news. I think that he does have diplomatic immunity but the only crime he has committed is sleeping with prostitutes. So dont go that avenue. But having served in the diplomatic community for many years, I can tell you what you should do. The State Department has an office of Inspector General which investigates behavior of diplomats world wide. If you phoned them and I can get the number for you or you can go to their web site at http://www.state.gov. You can call them and tell them about his behavior. It is not acceptable for a diplomat to behave that way in a foreign country and I believe that he may get fired or pulled back to the States for doing this kind of stuff. The good news is also that you can report him without giving your name and then they will open an investigation on him. You may have to be interviewed once in person, should be no big deal. Finally, all US diplomats are tested for HIV every six months. They can not continue in service abroad unless they are negative. This should put your worries at ease somewhat. Good luck and be stress free please, the baby is coming. Soon the love for the child will make you forget this scum. Love Overseas2004
SoleMate Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 I'm so glad that your parents came through and are supporting you. And I have to apologize on behalf of America, that a cruel and irresponsible person like this is representing our country. You won't be able to get hold of him easily. But I do think it is worth pursuing him for child support, if you can find a local lawyer who will help you and if the laws permit it. You may not feel a lack of money now, but no one knows what the future holds. If your child has special needs, or of either of you ever develops medical problems, you may need extra support. I'm no international law expert, but I would be very surprised if he can dodge this one forever. The State Dept may help you collect child support; if it stonewalls you, I would go right to the top and write to Secretary Colin Powell, in a businesslike letter giving him all the facts. Here is a Website about international collection of child support judgments: http://www.angelfire.com/biz2/support4kids/ The AIDS worry does sound pretty bad; even though your risk is probably quite low, the waiting must be horrible. Please keep posting as long as we can help.
Author silverada Posted October 15, 2004 Author Posted October 15, 2004 Thank you all very much again. I just wanted to give you update. I decide to follow advice and I call inspector general. I write letter as well and my complaint against him is now registered. I have decided to keep baby and now getting very happy about that day when it come. My parents called him and told him that we will not let this go. My father told him that we wanted to know his results of HIV test he took last to take slack of my mind. I was listening on other phone and he was pathetic .. he kept apologizing. My father said "you can not apologize for what you have done to my daughter but you have others to answer to at your work and the lord in heavan". That was it. I am feeling much happier. You have all helped me to make decisions maybe that I could not have without support. I will keep you all in my heart. Love From Romania....
MMBastard Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 Silverada, I am so glad you are feeling better. Decisions you've made are good ones and you'll be glad you made them. I hope that d*ck gets what he deserves. Keep coming back and the best of luck to you. MMB
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