BrokenHeartedinAR Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) My wife of 32 years ended our marriage more than a month ago. She kept telling me how she wanted to be on her own, how she went from her parents house to our house. But every time I asked her if we were in trouble she would no. She was going through menopause and that's all it was. After she left me I couldn't believe she would cheat even though everybody told me there has to be another man. Finally I checked our phone records and this is what I found. So please tell me if you think my wife cheated on me. Thanks In the last month of our marriage she had a lot of contact (that I did not know about at all) with a friend! Here are the details. 355 texts in 30 days an average of 11.8 texts per day 65 phone calls an average of 2.2 calls per day 17 hours 2 minutes an average of 36 minutes per day There is no other person that she called or texted that even comes close to those numbers. On many days she texted him and nobody else, not even me. Their friendship started a year ago and began to escalate dramatically in the last 5 months. Consider the following On the day she arrived in New Orleans to leave on a cruise with three of her best high school friends, she texted him 20 times and me only twice. Her last call of the night that night was to him. I received no phone calls from her that day. On the day the cruise was to set sail she called him first thing in the morning, texted him twice and then called him as one of the last calls she would make before leaving on a 7 day cruise out of the country. Wouldn't the last call you make be to the one you love? Wouldn't you want to say goodbye to the one you love? I got no texts and no phone calls on the day the ship set sail. On the day you come back from the cruise wouldn't you want to share with the person you love how awesome it was? She texted him 98 times that day, I received two texts. Last call she made that night was to him for 48 minutes, I called her shortly after their call and she only talked to me for 4 minutes because she said she was too tired. The very next day I call her at 9:56 PM and she only talks to me for 3 minutes, says she is tired, we hang up and she immediately calls him at 9:59 PM, after they talk for 12 minutes I interrupt their conversation, (although I didn't know it) she only talks to me for 2 minutes. I called her back at 10:43 and we talked for 7 minutes, as soon as we hung up she called him and they talked for 18 minutes. I interrupt their call once again at 11:08 and we only talk for 3 minutes, she goes back to their conversation for another 19 minutes. All calls between my wife and this man took place without me in the room. 65 calls in a month and I was NEVER there. She talked to many other people in front of me but never him. More than 150 calls between them and I was never in the room and she never once said she was texting him. She would tell me she was texting her other friends, almost all of them women, but she never ever said she was texting him. On many days she called him with her first phone call of the day and the last call of the night and those calls all ended about the time she knew I would get home. She called him on numerous occasions when I was at home. She would say "I think I'm going upstairs to watch TV" and then she would call him and they would talk for 30 minutes or more on several occasions. Several times when I went upstairs to talk to her she would hang up and soon as I went in the bedroom and she would always make it a point to tell me that she was talking to a girlfriend. But the records indicate she was talking to him. She spent two days and nights after a business meeting three hours away from where we lived at either his house or "his cousins house". He filled her tank up with gas and she had no money to spend on meals or anything else. He paid for everything, why? How many male friends spend that much time texting and on the phone with a married woman without expecting something in return? Our last moment together we had an argument and I reacted poorly, no doubt about that. There was never any physical abuse or drugs or alcohol or infidelity on my part. She sent me a text message saying she was going to stay at a friends house and she didn't know when she would be back. I responded poorly to that text as well. Less than ten minutes later she calls her so called friend and they talk for 31 minutes. Keep in mind she didn't know this man 8 months ago and he is the first call she makes. She then calls her best friend of 40 years and talks for 41 minutes. The minute she hung with her she calls him back and they talk for 48 minutes! That's the last call of the night. She denied having a new man in her life to our children, then when I showed them the evidence, she says they are just friends. Then when I told the kids even more of what I had found one of our children said "Mom if you end up with this man people will know that you had an affair." She replied "I don't care what people think and I probably will end up with this man." Our daughter told me based on her response that she knew her Mom had an affair ad that she would be with him. She notified me in a text message that she wanted a divorce, had a lawyer a day later, got our furniture 4 days after she left, will not go to counseling and hasn't shed a single tear. There's more but you get the idea. So what do you think? Edited May 23, 2013 by BrokenHeartedinAR
imtooconfused Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 She clearly has an emotional relationship with this OM. She clearly wants out of your marriage. Other than to present evidence in your favor in court, do you really need to know whether or not her relationship is sexual? It's only going to cause you more pain if you know the truth. You have already won the hearts and minds of you kids. As much as you want the kids to know everything, it's not healthy for them to know anything beyond what they already know. She's checked-out on the relationship, so you should start making plans to do the same. 2
Author BrokenHeartedinAR Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 She clearly has an emotional relationship with this OM. She clearly wants out of your marriage. Other than to present evidence in your favor in court, do you really need to know whether or not her relationship is sexual? It's only going to cause you more pain if you know the truth. You have already won the hearts and minds of you kids. As much as you want the kids to know everything, it's not healthy for them to know anything beyond what they already know. She's checked-out on the relationship, so you should start making plans to do the same. Thanks for your honesty, but man is it hard to accept.
BetrayedH Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 It all fits the pattern. Talk to your own attorney. Sadly, most states are "no fault" and don't much care about who is at fault. They split the kids and the stuff and call it a day. It's obvious to me that you're a guy that wants the truth. knowing my wife had an affair helped me cut myself some slack for our separation/divorce and helped it all make sense. If you had a shared computer, check the internet history. Check your financial records. Do you have the guts to talk to any of her close friends? Are you close to any of them? One of them is probably having a crisis of conscience about what she is doing to you.
karnak Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Affair. Browse through the "infidelity" section of this forum and you'll soon understand why. 1
BetrayedH Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Thanks for your honesty, but man is it hard to accept. Acceptance is the last stage of grief. Denial is the first. 2
Janesays Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Separate your finances YESTERDAY. If you're paying for anything for her, STOP immediately. If you have joint accounts or credit cards, close them NOW. Please don't give this advice unless you're an attorney working in the state this poster lives in. Because in MY state, if you just cut your wife off financially after 32 years of marriage, it looks REALLY BAD for you in divorce court. Seriously bad. Worse than cheating (Which they don't give a lick about) bad. In fact, don't give legal advice unless you're an attorney, period. You can ruin people's lives with this nonsense. My advice for the OP is not to listen to ANY legal advice that he receives on a freaking internet forum and instead to CONSULT AN ATTORNEY. 2
NotCamelot Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I hate to say it, but she left you many months ago. Get a lawyer. Protect yourself and your kids. Do NOT be weak and give her more than you should. I wouldn't feel like she deserved anything. If he can pay her way while she was married to you, let him continue to do so. I wonder how many relationships and marriages have ended with the help of Facebook and smartphones? 2
Janesays Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 You've GOT 2 be kidding me. Let's look at the facts. His wife has checked out of the marriage without even bothering 2 tell him why or give him the chance 2 try 2 convince her 2 stay. She probably doesn't need his financial support, considering how completely she's separated herself from him already. He doesn't need an attorney 2 close an account. He may need funds 2 do so, particularly if they've accumulated a lot of debt. Any joint savings accounts and other assets should be split down the middle, of course. But even that can be done without a lawyer (this isn't an amicable split, though), or a lawyer who's a mediator for both of them (so long as they don't contest). And most certainly, if he's paying for that phone she's been using 2 conduct her affair, he should cancel it. Notice I didn't say "change the locks on the house." Many people advise that, but it's illegal. -ol' 2long Well what you personally believe SHOULD BE is unfortunately not the law. I have a friend who after a mere 5 years of marriage filed for divorce. Her soon to be ex closed all their joint accounts and credit cards without permission from the judge. They nailed his butt to the wall in divorce court and he was ordered to pay her $2000 grand a month in alimony....and they didn't even have kids. Most judges do not look kindly on men who jump the gun on cutting their wives off financially without orders from the court. A man who does this without first consulting an attorney is a FOOL. remember that divorce court is still skewed to favor the woman no matter the circumstances.
Janesays Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) My mother in law was divorced by her 2nd husband after 17 years 2gether. She, her lawyer and my wife went 2 court 2 decide her spousal support. Her ex and his lawyer didn't even show up. They got 2 the courtroom before it opened in the morning. The judge walked in and said "nobody is going 2 like my decisions 2day, and that's just 2 bad." He awarded my MIL $180/month in spousal support and would not allow her or her lawyer 2 say a word. Judges and lawyers are people 2. But a-hole judges and lawyers are expensive, on top of being jerks. Thanks for proving my point. Judges are people too and some decisions will shaded by personal bias. Do you know the OP's judge and habits? No? I wonder who does.... Oh yeah. That's right. An attorney who has been before that judge a million times and knows how he's likely to rule. Let me ask you this: What is the harm in asking an attorney as opposed to listening to YOU, self proclaimed internet know-it-all? Isn't it better to be safe rather than very very very sorry? So, he was ordered 2 pay $2K in alimony for a failed 5-yr marriage without kids? For how long? Did he appeal? Because that simply doesn't make any sense at all. For 2 years. Because when he closed those joint accounts, they made the case that it created unnecessary financial hardship for her since he generally made most of the money in the relationship. She said she had to take out loans and borrow money to survive (And retain legal counsel...the big hint there that he was purposely trying to make it so she couldn't afford to defend herself in court) before he cut her off to what is legally THEIR money. And I'm sorry, but when you're married, every single cent your SO others makes while married (even if you're separated) ALSO belongs to you. Fact is, the courts prefer to be the ones to split up the financial assets. That is their main job. They don't care who cheated, who left, who initiated, whose fault it was. All they care about is splitting up the money and the STUFF. If you come in and try to mess with the money, it doesn't sit well with them. They view that is THEIR decision, NOT YOURS. I will say this a million times: CONSULT AN ATTORNEY before messing with marital assets. You may think your paycheck is your paycheck. But NOTHING is yours and yours alone when you're married. It's BOTH of yours....until a judge says other wise. The quickest way to LEGALLY cut someone off financially is to go to a pretrial with an attorney and ASK the judge if it's OK to close those accounts. Edited May 23, 2013 by Janesays
2sunny Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Sure looks like she's been much more invested in her OM than you. I'd be free of her as soon as possible. She's a blatant cheater.
Realist3 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I think you better get started on planning your new life.
Chi townD Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Really?!?! After all of that and you have to question yourself IF she's cheating? Dude, you have to admit it to yourself. Hell, even your daughter is telling you that she is! I would find out all you can about this other asshat. Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend? If this is the case, you need to expose to them immediately. You have no concrete proof, but you can inform her of an innappropriate relationship between the two. If you need proof, hopefully she had an iphone. If she has, chances are she used the home computer to charge it up. If she did, then that phone sync'd with the computer. There's a hidden file on that computer that contains the text conversation from that phone. You'll need to download an iphone file extractor in order to pull up that file. Then, you can view the text conversations. This only works for iphone and not andriod based phones.
lolablue17 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 She ended the marriage. ITS OVER!! He is her best friend and supporter now. maybe she is in love with him, maybe she slept with him You are trying to hold her and you want her to be miserable and alone. Dont look back, go forward, man.... 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only speak for myself because I am a FOW and my marriage is about as long as yours. She says she doesn't care right now what people think, but she will. If I were you I definitely would see an attorney (my husband did right after) and actually I did too because recovery was going so poorly. He didn't like what the attorney had to say. Most states are no-fault and they do take into consideration what both parties have brought to the table and income earned, etc. I haven't been through it personally, but I have seen my sister go through it and a brother-in-law. It's a formula, period. No one wins, but you need to see someone just to know where you stand. As far as your wife is concerned, I am ashamed to say I was her. I did all of those things (the texting, phone calls, etc). I don't know what the dynamics of your relationship have been over the years, but I can tell you from my perspective, it wasn't anything my husband did or didn't do. He was doing his best to provide for the family, love us, support us, best he could. My cheating had everything to do with my own issues and my own lack of boundaries. So, what I am going to say to you is that maybe there are some things you could have improved upon within the relationship (everyone has those), but you have to understand this really has nothing to do with you. From what my husband has told me it was a huge blow to his self esteem. It was like it emasculated him. I will probably never completely understand why he felt that way and it makes me sad now some 3 1/2 years later that I brought that kind of pain to him. And then eventually, because I was in my own pain, he turned to someone else and that is a whole other story. I couldn't blame him, but I will caution you to be careful about that - revenge affairs do not help anything. I guess you have to decide if you want this marriage and what you are willing to do save it. She also is in a fog right now and projecting a fantasy relationship that hasn't happened yet. Is the OM married? I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. 1
Janesays Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 When I called my wife's bluff and scheduled an appointment with a divorce mediator, he told us we had two possible choices. 1) We could work 2gether and decide on how our assets would be divided, for about $5000. Our accounts would be separated the moment we hired him, and the clock would start ticking for the 6-month wait in our state for the divorce 2 be final, or 2) we could hire our own lawyers and spend ~$55K 2 accomplish much the same thing after a fight. We chose 2 stay married, but it 2k a while. So you've never actually even been through a divorce, nor do you have a law degree, yet you feel qualified to dispense legal advice. Yet I'M the arrogant one? You're right. I don't know ANYTHING about the OP's financial situation with his wife. Which is why I'm not trying to give him legal advice. Also, because I'm not a lawyer. Personally, I think it's idiotic when people come to this forum and give emotionally vulnerable people advice that is better left to the professionals. IF YOU ARE NOT AN ATTORNEY, DO NOT GIVE LEGAL ADVICE. PERIOD. IT'S UNETHICAL, STUPID AND IF SOMEONE IS DUMB ENOUGH (OR HURTING AND IRRATIONAL ENOUGH) TO LISTEN TO YOU, YOU CAN REALLY DO SOME DAMAGE TO SOMEONE'S PERSONAL LIFE!!!! Lord, the irresponsibility of some of the posters on this forum ASTOUNDS me.
drifter777 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 How old are you and your wife? Retirement & social security can make it much better to simply live separate lives under the same roof then go through with a divorce. In most situations your home can be arranged so that you maybe share the kitchen and nothing more. Lots of people say that marriage is just a piece of paper - so is divorce. Please see an attorney who is qualified to help you through the retirement landmines. 1
imtooconfused Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only speak for myself because I am a FOW and my marriage is about as long as yours. She says she doesn't care right now what people think, but she will. lilmisscantbewrong, are you still in the original marriage? Under the assumption that you two still are married and for the benefit of the OP, can I ask you a couple more questions? What was the thought process behind giving up on the OM and giving the marriage another try? Have you been able to rebuild the trust with your husband? Recapture the thrill with him? Does you your husband believe he had his affair for revenge? Could it be that he was seeking out a person of trust when the trust had disappeared at home?
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I think it's fine to close the accounts, but you do need to support her if she doesn't have a job and hasn't had one for years. Send her a check. It's dangerous to leave the accounts lying around. You could incur a lot of needless debt. Date of separation is where the assets get split. Every cent you make is not hers too after separation.
Sittinginmcds Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Wow I'm clinching for you. She is not only having an affair she is in love. Get an atty protect your ass(ets) and begin to accept the fact she is gone. Sorry your dealing with this. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) lilmisscantbewrong, are you still in the original marriage? Yes I am still in my first and only marriage (so far - lol). Under the assumption that you two still are married and for the benefit of the OP, can I ask you a couple more questions? What was the thought process behind giving up on the OM and giving the marriage another try? Well, xom went complete nc over 3 years ago. With the exception of a few things that I felt were semi-messages telling me he still cared, he is still where he is and I don't think he's going anywhere for a long time. I guess I just am finally getting to the point that it doesn't really matter if he still cares or not, it's not enough. And frankly, when I really think about how he threw me under the bus to save his own a**, I get pretty mad these days. As far as my husband is concerned, that many years is hard to throw away after being through so much together so yeah, it's worth a shot to try to recover it. Have you been able to rebuild the trust with your husband? Recapture the thrill with him? Recover the thrill? I don't know about that. Do you really recover that? I think, unfortunately, it's hard to compare. I mean when you 've only been with one person for so long, sex with someone else going to be different and exciting, but in reality, is that fair? I don't know - I love him and I know he loves me. We have recently started to have some fun together again, so who knows? Maybe that will follow? This past weekend we frequented some local dives around a lake we live near and we had a lot of laughs - so maybe we are starting to enjoy each other a little again? As far as trust goes, I don't know if that will ever be back completely. He said not too long ago that he doesn't have the time nor the inclination to "monitor" me nor does he want to. I honestly don't either - not anymore. I think we've gotten to the point where we both know if one or the other wants out, we can't stop it. So we do the best we can. It's getting better. It's funny because I guess I always thought he was completely honest with me and I have found now that he isn't completely honest and obviously he knows I wasn't either - that was very eye-opening to both of us. Does you your husband believe he had his affair for revenge? I asked him that question. He thinks possibly it was a revenge affair to some degree. I think I was so immersed in my own pain I just wasn't able to be emotionally available to him. This person (an employee) had a bad marriage as well and they both started confiding in each other (as these things often start) and eventually became emotionally attached and then it became physical. I still do not believe I have the entire story because stuff would trickle out and the answers would change each time. Even as of recent it took two months for him to tell me she had called him while I was out of town and actually stopped by the office. So, unfortunately, it leads me to think they still have contact from time to time. There have been times I have tried to discover if they are, but I just finally decided it wasn't worth my time. If they are having contact I will eventually discover it - it will come out - this town is too small. Could it be that he was seeking out a person of trust when the trust had disappeared at home? Sure - I think he was, but this person wasn't any more trustworthy than I was. He claims that he didn't love her, but he told her he loved her - he at least admitted that. He has tried to say it was just because of sex. I told him once that I knew him well enough that he wasn't coldhearted to just use someone for that. He said "You don't know me very well". Really? After that long together. I honestly think that he did love and care for her. He just wanted me to believe it was just about sex because he always said that my XOM was just after sex and I didn't understand men and how they thought -that my xom didn't love me. It wasn't until my daughter met with my xom and she was the one that told my husband he truly did love me. That was when he really understood the connection between xom and myself. Hope that helps you understand? Edited May 23, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong
2sunny Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Exposé her behavior. Your kids know. Tell all parents and friends that she's been connected to a man outside the marriage. Cut off her money - if you have joint money move what is yours. Close joint credit cards and open one on your own. If she hasn't yet, FILE the divorce papers. Make her see that what she wants is going to be her reality.
imtooconfused Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Hope that helps you understand? My questions were mostly to help give clarity to the OP. But to clarify one point, it sounds like if your OM did not have complications of his own and loved you enough to stay, the original marriage would have been over???
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I'm not sure how to answer that. First of all when dday occurs there is so much confusion and so much pain, it is not a time to make decisions like that. There is too much emotion involved and decisions like that should be made from a non-emotive state. If I had decided to leave then and if my xom had decided to leave his situation at that point, it would not have been the right decision at that time. So my advice to anyone would be to at least go no contact for awhile - maybe even six months or so and let everything sort itself out - become a little more objective in order to make a better decision. My situation had so many external controllers involved it wasn't funny. Way different than most, I assure you.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 And now I'm wondering why you are asking that question.
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