Feel so let down by my boyfriend at a terrible time. What are your thoughts?

May 23, 2013

We've been together over 1 1/2 years and I posted on here a couple of months ago after we attended a wedding together and the next day I discovered he had deleted all photographs taken of us together at the event. I asked him why and eventually he broke down and said because he looked like '****' in every picture, which eventually lead to him sobbing and saying he didn't feel like himself etc. This was a shock to me and totally out of the blue. He said he felt his life was in a rut (especially with employment) so I said I would help him rejig his cv and look at options together, for which he said he was grateful.

Since then, he has for the most part seemed fine, he plays in a band and was practising a lot before playing a festival so he was excited for that. I noticed his mood perk up around this time because he was productive. On another note, I have been going through a tough time lately because a family member has terminal cancer and I haven't been able to drink much (because I know all my emotions will come out in a sobbing way, and I'm dealing with things through counselling, staying healthy etc and also as I'm on medication for an injury just now). Despite this I've attended two of his family functions where they have drunk a lot of alcohol lately, and each time some of his family make jokes about why I'm not drinking - they also invited me to lunch and I didn't attend because of my injury and later a comment was made about 'only having the injury when I'm meeting them' - my boyfriend says his family are just joking and I've to 'take it on the chin'.

Anyway, two nights ago: I've been staying with my boyfriend for a few days since his birthday and on this particular evening I went out to meet friends while he went to meet bandmates. While I was out I received some upsetting news about my family member and headed back home to meet my boyfriend around 11. But he wasn't there when I got home and when I tried contacting him his phone was off. Not long after he returned home drunk, slurring his words etc (and had only been out a couple of hours). This annoyed me because I had come home wanting support from him and I didn't feel like I could speak to him - he then informed he was meeting his bandmates the next afternoon but would be back later before we went out to a concert before I headed home. I thought this was unreasonable as it was the last day of our time together and I don't have a key to his place either to come and go - his response was 'go on the internet'! The fact is that I'd stayed with him for a couple of days because he asked me to because of his birthday, but I did have a deadline due for work - when I gently told him this in an effort to tell him how much I was doing to spend time with him he said 'Bull****! Bull****, you could've done it and I wouldn't have minded if you had a deadline'. It was the outburst that shocked me.

This descended into a fight - at one point he even said 'I just don't know if the relationship is working' (when things have been going great), then he told me I had a problem with members of his family, topped off with bringing up stuff that happened between us a year ago! He was acting like a real piece of work and the next morning he said he didn't remember half the things he said (admitting the relationship had been going great), that he didn't mean them and I could forgive him for being an a**hole. He said he got drunk the night before because they lost the band manager and now won't be playing any festivals over the summer. I love this person with everything I have but I can't understand how he could have said those things and think I'll have a hard time getting past it. He said it won't happen again but I think he's depressed but he won't get help, so how will anything change? He's been contacting me a lot since this happened and I just don't want to speak to him.

May 23, 2013

does noone want to reply?

I really don't know what to do here. I love him and don't want to abandon him when he feels depressed, but don;t feel like I can put up with much more when I am so sad myself.

I feel so crushed because I know I can't just take his word for it 'It won't happen again' when he's doing nothing to improve his situation - but it's a big deal for me to have to grieve the loss of my long-term boyfriend around the same time as I'll have to grieve another loss. I feel scared and I needed his support. I need him to see a doctor.

May 23, 2013

I'm having trouble reconciling your post title with your post.

Have you told him explicitly that you really need his support right now or are you expecting him to read your mind?

What I see is that you started a fight with him, and I'm not sure why:

Anyway, two nights ago: I've been staying with my boyfriend for a few days since his birthday and on this particular evening I went out to meet friends while he went to meet bandmates. While I was out I received some upsetting news about my family member and headed back home to meet my boyfriend around 11. But he wasn't there when I got home and when I tried contacting him his phone was off. Not long after he returned home drunk, slurring his words etc (and had only been out a couple of hours). This annoyed me because I had come home wanting support from him and I didn't feel like I could speak to him -

In my opinion, you had no right to be annoyed with him. You made plans with your friends; he made plans with his friends. You both went out. That your night ended badly and early is not his fault. He would have no way of knowing that you would get upsetting news about your family member that night. He would have on way of knowing that you were going to need a lot of support when he got home.

Are you long distance? I don't understand why you were staying at his place and you two were going out separately. You should've just gone home.

he then informed he was meeting his bandmates the next afternoon but would be back later before we went out to a concert before I headed home. I thought this was unreasonable as it was the last day of our time together

So just go home early. If he's making other plans, he doesn't seem to care if you are there or not.

and I don't have a key to his place either to come and go

Get up in the morning, go to Home Depot (or wherever), and get a key made. How did you get into his place that night when you got home early?

- his response was 'go on the internet'!

I don't understand this reponse.

The fact is that I'd stayed with him for a couple of days because he asked me to because of his birthday, but I did have a deadline due for work - when I gently told him this in an effort to tell him how much I was doing to spend time with him he said 'Bull****! Bull****, you could've done it and I wouldn't have minded if you had a deadline'. It was the outburst that shocked me.

In my opinion, he was annoyed because it sounds like you are trying to guilt trip him. If your work deadline was that big of a deal, you shouldn't have stayed with him.

What he said during the ensuing fight, he said and he probably meant, no matter what he says now. Don't take it lightly. If you are not happy with him, you should end the relationship. End of story. His depression is not your problem. How long are you going to stick around? What if he never gets better?

May 23, 2013

Here's the thing with people who are depressed--no matter how much someone else offers their help, it is up to them and their own will power to get better. Nothing hurts more than to be dragged down by someone who can't help themselves. He treated you poorly when he dropped the ball on you when you needed someone, you need to look out for yourself first before even thinking about caring for him. This relationship is in danger becoming a dynamic of you being the "mother" and him being the one needing to be cared for--that is, if you choose to try to help him. At the end of the day he needs to grow up and be able to take care of himself. Being drunk is no excuse for him to treat you like that. Trust me, you'll only be enabling his behavior and his misery if you're going to coddle him. You have already seen that he's done nothing to improve his situation--you have to show him that his behaviors are negatively affecting you and the relationship as you have clearly told us.

May 23, 2013

I'm having trouble reconciling your post title with your post.

Have you told him explicitly that you really need his support right now or are you expecting him to read your mind?

What I see is that you started a fight with him, and I'm not sure why:

In my opinion, you had no right to be annoyed with him. You made plans with your friends; he made plans with his friends. You both went out. That your night ended badly and early is not his fault. He would have no way of knowing that you would get upsetting news about your family member that night. He would have on way of knowing that you were going to need a lot of support when he got home.

Are you long distance? I don't understand why you were staying at his place and you two were going out separately. You should've just gone home.

So just go home early. If he's making other plans, he doesn't seem to care if you are there or not.

Get up in the morning, go to Home Depot (or wherever), and get a key made. How did you get into his place that night when you got home early?

I don't understand this reponse.

In my opinion, he was annoyed because it sounds like you are trying to guilt trip him. If your work deadline was that big of a deal, you shouldn't have stayed with him.

What he said during the ensuing fight, he said and he probably meant, no matter what he says now. Don't take it lightly. If you are not happy with him, you should end the relationship. End of story. His depression is not your problem. How long are you going to stick around? What if he never gets better?

I have told him explicitly about the support that I need. Anyway I wrote out a whole load of answers to some of your questions but scrapped them as your final point is the biggest issue for me just now.

I don't know what to do about what he said during the fight (the part he 'didn't mean') and that's what is bothering me most. The confusing part is that things have been going well between us, so it doesn't make sense for him to suddenly say the relationship isn't working out. I spoke to my friend about it and she said it'll be about him and not me - i.e. he thinks his whole life is blowing up in his face, but it's the depression talking. During the first episode he had, he said that I was the only good thing going for him at the moment. It's been more or less plain sailing since then until the new episode. Why would he insist he didn't mean what he said if he actually meant it? He even said 'I think that maybe I just wanted to drag someone down to my level and I'm so ashamed'(!!)

My answer to how long will I stick around: I am probably going to ask him to speak to a professional about his feelings and if he doesn't, then I don't see how I can stick around. The thought of waiting for the next episode to occur is a scary prospect.

May 23, 2013

Here's the thing with people who are depressed--no matter how much someone else offers their help, it is up to them and their own will power to get better. Nothing hurts more than to be dragged down by someone who can't help themselves. He treated you poorly when he dropped the ball on you when you needed someone, you need to look out for yourself first before even thinking about caring for him. This relationship is in danger becoming a dynamic of you being the "mother" and him being the one needing to be cared for--that is, if you choose to try to help him. At the end of the day he needs to grow up and be able to take care of himself. Being drunk is no excuse for him to treat you like that. Trust me, you'll only be enabling his behavior and his misery if you're going to coddle him. You have already seen that he's done nothing to improve his situation--you have to show him that his behaviors are negatively affecting you and the relationship as you have clearly told us.

I agree with this 100% (mother coddling thing). He begged me to forgive him for being an a**hole and I was between walking out of the door never to return and not wanting to abandon him. He said a lot of things during his tirade. The problem is that we talked about things, but he didn't say how he would take action - which is how I know it will happen again no matter what he says. I can only see myself staying with him if he agrees to speak to a professional so he can start to get better.

Since the last episode after I went home I struggled to get out of bed the first day, and spent the majority of the next evening in bed feeling wiped out. I feel like I could do with telling him this but I don't want him to feel attacked.

May 23, 2013

This is what happens when you date musicians.

In a few months, you'll be back on here complaining about how your new drug dealer boyfriend isn't very nice to you.

Ha. Well he's been a musician in all the the time I've known him, so let's hope that would have already started now if it was going to

May 23, 2013

I agree with this 100% (mother coddling thing). He begged me to forgive him for being an a**hole and I was between walking out of the door never to return and not wanting to abandon him. He said a lot of things during his tirade. The problem is that we talked about things, but he didn't say how he would take action - which is how I know it will happen again no matter what he says. I can only see myself staying with him if he agrees to speak to a professional so he can start to get better.

Since the last episode after I went home I struggled to get out of bed the first day, and spent the majority of the next evening in bed feeling wiped out. I feel like I could do with telling him this but I don't want him to feel attacked.

That's one of that sad things associated with being in a relationship with a depressed person. They tend to bring everyone else down with the way they are. Yes, there's a definite possibility that he will take what you say harshly--depressed people have a tendency to blow things out of proportion in a negative manner and internalize it. The good thing is, you're aware of everything and how he is. And you're right. Talking and "promises" are not going to solve anything. "I will do something about it" or "I'll see a counselor" or "I won't do that again" is not concrete. This is concrete: "I apologize, my behaviors are inexcusable and I realize that I am wrong. I made an appointment with Dr. X so I can start getting better." You can talk his ear off, but sadly the only thing that may shock him into action is you leaving him.

May 23, 2013

That's one of that sad things associated with being in a relationship with a depressed person. They tend to bring everyone else down with the way they are. Yes, there's a definite possibility that he will take what you say harshly--depressed people have a tendency to blow things out of proportion in a negative manner and internalize it. The good thing is, you're aware of everything and how he is. And you're right. Talking and "promises" are not going to solve anything. "I will do something about it" or "I'll see a counselor" or "I won't do that again" is not concrete. This is concrete: "I apologize, my behaviors are inexcusable and I realize that I am wrong. I made an appointment with Dr. X so I can start getting better." You can talk his ear off, but sadly the only thing that may shock him into action is you leaving him.

I have been thinking about the issue further tonight, and even if he says he will go to the doctor, I am not sure I can cope with the twisted comments that have been coming from his father whenever I attend a family function.

As I said I am on medication that means I cannot drink much and I also don't want to drink much because I know I will get very upset about the situation with my family member and the terminal illness. And yet whenever I decline alcohol at these events 'joking' comments are always made. Boyfriend says I have to take these comments on the chin, but they feel upsetting for me and I am upset that he is minimizing my feelings. I honestly am finding attending big social events in general a difficulty at the moment and I don't think he appreciates that. And yet I still love him because I know he is a good man underneath at all. The thing about him is that throughout the relationship he continued to grow, develop and surprise me in ways a boyfriend never had before. But I think the fact he doesn't stick up for me in these instances has begun to change my perception of him - and I'm not able to tell whether it is going to be his permanent character or if its another symptom of the depression. I am meeting him very soon and still unsure what decision to make.

May 23, 2013

This is a guy who deleted loads of pictures of you because he didn't like the way you looked? That should have been a big red flag there and then. Despite the way you love him, it doesn't seem as if he respects you enough or care for you as a boyfriend should. Either he has low self-esteem and feels you don't meet up to his expectations of a girlfriend looks-wise, or he is just cruel. This guy is not happy with you and, frankly, you deserve much better than someone who would treat you like this.

I know you love him and you feel the relationship is going great but it clearly isn't. Dump the guy and find someone who knows what you are worth!

May 23, 2013

This is a guy who deleted loads of pictures of you because he didn't like the way you looked? That should have been a big red flag there and then. Despite the way you love him, it doesn't seem as if he respects you enough or care for you as a boyfriend should. Either he has low self-esteem and feels you don't meet up to his expectations of a girlfriend looks-wise, or he is just cruel. This guy is not happy with you and, frankly, you deserve much better than someone who would treat you like this.

I know you love him and you feel the relationship is going great but it clearly isn't. Dump the guy and find someone who knows what you are worth!

Nooo...he deleted the pictures because he didn't like the way HE looked! Does that change anything at all? He said I looked beautiful in them and admitted his low self worth at the moment...

May 23, 2013

He deleted pictures of himself. He should have just cut himself out of the photos so she could at least have some good ones of herself -- to use for a dating profile after she dumps him.

May 23, 2013

Nooo...he deleted the pictures because he didn't like the way HE looked! Does that change anything at all? He said I looked beautiful in them and admitted his low self worth at the moment...

Sorry, my mistake, yes it changes things a bit, but he is being insensitive with you, especially as you've told him how you feel. I expect you are being a bit over-sensitive too as you are hurting inside and flippant family comments just seem inappropriate in that situation. Why don't you tell his family why you are not drinking? They would have chance to sympathise then.

It doesn't sound like he's going to be the kind, attentive boyfriend you need, maybe because of his own problems. It sounds like he needs to see a counsellor to go through his issues with them. The trouble with guys is they'll do almost anything else other than acknowledge they have a problem. Maybe if you find out what's available and make sure he'd have access to a counsellor, you could point him in that direction. If he then chooses not to take it up and still can't be pleasant to you, you should think of yourself and your needs. They matter too.

May 23, 2013

Sorry, my mistake, yes it changes things a bit, but he is being insensitive with you, especially as you've told him how you feel. I expect you are being a bit over-sensitive too as you are hurting inside and flippant family comments just seem inappropriate in that situation. Why don't you tell his family why you are not drinking? They would have chance to sympathise then.

It doesn't sound like he's going to be the kind, attentive boyfriend you need, maybe because of his own problems. It sounds like he needs to see a counsellor to go through his issues with them. The trouble with guys is they'll do almost anything else other than acknowledge they have a problem. Maybe if you find out what's available and make sure he'd have access to a counsellor, you could point him in that direction. If he then chooses not to take it up and still can't be pleasant to you, you should think of yourself and your needs. They matter too.

I approached his father at one point to explain about my injury, but didn't say much about my family member with cancer (I have told the mother about it previously though). I agree that I am feeling more sensitive to these comments than usual, but it's a worry that he's not being fully understanding about he situation and makes me wonder what other scenario he wouldn't support me in. I wish he would have taken the reigns and told his father about my family member's illness as I find it difficult to speak about to people in a social situation.

Yeah, I'm worried that he won't speak to someone about his feelings. He said previously he 'didn't know' if he would see a professional, so at least it wasn't a no. It's a hard situation. I think I would find it very, very difficult to stay if he won't seek outside help as hard it will be to walk away from him.

May 23, 2013

I approached his father at one point to explain about my injury, but didn't say much about my family member with cancer (I have told the mother about it previously though). I agree that I am feeling more sensitive to these comments than usual, but it's a worry that he's not being fully understanding about he situation and makes me wonder what other scenario he wouldn't support me in. I wish he would have taken the reigns and told his father about my family member's illness as I find it difficult to speak about to people in a social situation.

Yeah, I'm worried that he won't speak to someone about his feelings. He said previously he 'didn't know' if he would see a professional, so at least it wasn't a no. It's a hard situation. I think I would find it very, very difficult to stay if he won't seek outside help as hard it will be to walk away from him.

Surely any decent guy would have told his father about the illness, if it was affecting his girlfriend badly. I'm pretty sure my ex would have (and he had his insensitive moments!). It's awful when you feel your partner doesn't understand feelings and isn't supportive. This is why I look for empathy in a guy now, when I meet someone new. No empathy, no chance!

May 24, 2013

Surely any decent guy would have told his father about the illness, if it was affecting his girlfriend badly. I'm pretty sure my ex would have (and he had his insensitive moments!). It's awful when you feel your partner doesn't understand feelings and isn't supportive. This is why I look for empathy in a guy now, when I meet someone new. No empathy, no chance!

So I spoke to him but could see how much he was struggling when I asked him if he would consider seeing the doctor. Initially he said he still wasn't sure, but after I explained he won't be able to support me until he can support himself, he said he would do it because he needed to support me. Eventually I told him I needed assurance, and so he said he would call his GP for an appointment Monday.

The further problem is this (and I hate to admit it): in the time that this has been happening with my boyfriend, I've become friends with a guy through work and though at first I thought he understood I have a boyfriend I think maybe he got confused and didn't realise when I introduced them. Basically I met my boyfriend in the morning for this chat and felt quite anxious, but obviously I still care about him so still had happy moments but it was a struggle at times. I am pleased that he says he will get help, but am worried that he may turn around later and still say he doesn't want to be with me.

Later in the afternoon I meet this friend and the contrast is extraordinary, I had a great time (though he looks shiny and new I grant you), but the connection..I had such a happy, carefree time with him and honestly he is the only person I would date if I was single. But I know I need to be loyal to boyfriend when he is having a hard time...I don't think he would ever have appeared quite so enticing had this not happened with my boyfriend. I feel ashamed for even feeling this way about everything as I know I need to give boyfriend a chance.

Edited May 24, 2013 by Lovezen_30

May 25, 2013

I'm finding this really difficult. I think that 'I don't know if this relationship is working' comment cut me so badly to the bone and made me feel distant from him. He commented that he had been trying to reach me on every medium (phone, internet, etc) over the past few days and I had been very unreachable. Well, I needed space...

I think I'm trying to tell myself that he didn't mean it because of his current depression, but I'm finding it so hard to get past. I need someone to tell me exactly what I need to do straight. I'm still v young and finding this hard...

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Feel so let down by my boyfriend at a terrible time. What are your thoughts?

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