Elias18 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Hi, my ex contacted me a few days ago on fb. I posted that situation a couple of days ago. She said she read some old messages she thought that very funny and asked how I'm doing nowadays. I didn't respond, but I experience a great setback! Asking myself what she wants and if she will contact me again. I even think about my NC, does it sends any message? I dumped her, reasons are in my other posts, but damn I miss her and I love her. But things won't work out. Any advice to move on again and break this obsession? I think about her all time! I broke up 3 months ago and she asked for NC. We saw each other 3 times in a bar, and had a small conversation. I think she is over me, i saw her with a new guy in the bar 2 weeks ago.
Ordinaryday Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 An ex contacting the dumpee for any reason other than reconciliation is outright rude. I know some people who changed their numbers/email/blocked their ex on fb/etc so their ex literally COULDN'T contact them, even if they wanted to. sometimes people suggest doing this, because it takes away the "what if" element of always wondering, because if they CAN'T contact you there is no what if element. I myself have not done this, but I have considered it. she is just sending you breadcrumbs. either ignore them or send her one text message saying "please respect me enough to not contact me unless the contact is about us getting back together" - that tells her exactly where you stand, and if she does not want to reconcile but still contacts you after that, at least you have an answer about what a bitch she is.
headsashed Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 An ex contacting the dumpee for any reason other than reconciliation is outright rude. I know some people who changed their numbers/email/blocked their ex on fb/etc so their ex literally COULDN'T contact them, even if they wanted to. sometimes people suggest doing this, because it takes away the "what if" element of always wondering, because if they CAN'T contact you there is no what if element. I myself have not done this, but I have considered it. she is just sending you breadcrumbs. either ignore them or send her one text message saying "please respect me enough to not contact me unless the contact is about us getting back together" - that tells her exactly where you stand, and if she does not want to reconcile but still contacts you after that, at least you have an answer about what a bitch she is. couldn't have put it any better
Author Elias18 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 I am the dumper! So I was wondering why she would contact me. And even I'm the dumper, it's not easy for me. I just want to move on with my life, it's been three months ago since breakup and it wasn't a long relationship. **** me, she is in my mind all the time, I have been better a couple of weeks ago. But now I feel like I'm on day 1 of BU
Ordinaryday Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 well if you are the dumper how come you are acting like the DUMPEE???? When you dump someone, no matter what bullcrap story you give them: "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" "I think we'd be better as friends" - what you are saying to the dumpee, when you cut through all the bullcrap is - I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. I want to continue my life WITHOUT YOU IN IT. that is what you are basically saying to someone when you dump them. so WHO CARES why she is contacting you BECAUSE YOU DUMPED HER. You dumped her, you owe her nothing, just ignore her until she 'gets the hint'. I gotta be honest, you seem pretty suss because as a dumper you shouldn't care why the dumpee reaches out to you because you have already given them the brush off, any further contact is unnecessary.
Ordinaryday Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 And if you really are the dumper (although you are acting like the dumpee) you should know that the nicest kindest thing you could do for her is to ignore her, because ignoring her tells her in no uncertain terms "there is nothing left between us". ANY response you give her, even to be "polite", will simply give her false hope that you are still interested and that she still has a chance with you, even sending her a generic "I'm well thank you, good to hear from you, take care" will give her a ton of false hope and she will be like "yes! he responded! He still likes me! I still have a chance!" but no response says in uncertain terms "IT IS OVER". so if youre really the dumper and things are REALLY over between you two then START ACTING LIKE IT!
Author Elias18 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 I think some people think very dichotomious about being a dumpee OR a dumper. The dumper doesn't always have a choice, there are many more reasons why a dumper "dumps" a dumpee. Sometimes the dumper loves the dumpee more than everything but knows in the end things would never work out! I think the dumper can feel the same thing as a dumpee. The story of my ex and me in a nuttshell: right people, wrong place and time! So I love her, I want to be with her but things won't work out. My heart is broken and I find it difficult to move on. Things were kinda allright but now she contacted me and I feel like **** and I'm craving for her. I look on my phone every minute to see if she send me another message or something. It's so difficult to let go of her, the memories are so nice.
Ordinaryday Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Then you shouldn't have dumped her. sounds like you want your cake and to eat it as well - you don't want to commit to her but you still want her in your life for whatever reason. dumpers like that annoy the hell out of me - I was with one girl for a short time and she was a real emotional mess, going through lots of bad problems, and she rang me every night and we would talk through her problems for hours on end, I would help her out and what not. then she decided she didn't want to be with me anymore because she said she had physical needs which I did not satisfy, but she said that should would like it if we could still "be friends" and if I could still provide her with emotional support and therapy, the only different being that we would no longer be a couple. I rightly told her to get screwed. I don't mind 'being there' for a girl I am seeing, and helping her and all that, but if we are not a couple I am not going to spend hours of time and effort into helping a girl out. 2
Author Elias18 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 My reasons were good enough to dump her. Sometimes people can't understand that somethings can't be overwon by "love". It's a fairytale! I was very commited and devoted but there was no future. She was younger than me and I was her first boyfriend, I have had a couple of girlfriends and I wanted to settle. She wants to travel to foreign countries and is going to study in a other town far away. There were a few cracks visible in our relationship, so maybe I'm not the dumper after all. Maybe she would have dumped my sorry ass in the next months. I have a job and I want to settle, I'm 24 and she is 18. She wants to party and is a very good looking girl who gets tons of attention of boys. I don't think we were on the same emotional level, so there were a lot of reasons I dumped her. But that doesn't mean that I don't love her and I should be over her now because I'm the "dumper". I wanted to talk to her a few months ago, but she refused.. so I guess this rejection makes me the dumpee after all? I my opinion that crap doesn't matter, I'm heartbroken and I want to get healed, even if I'm the dumper. So please, can anyone give me advice to move on after a setback and reliving memories of my ex.
TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I agree; both sides can experience pain. It's unwise to assume that simply because 'you' are the dumper, 'you' are impervious to negative feelings.... OP, you need to quit 'snowballing'.... I once read something on the internet, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' This is the problem with situations like this: Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone. you may THINK it's all related, but it's not. For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured... (1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [highlight]snowballing starts here[/highlight] (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain. Feel the feeling (1). Don't labour the point (2).
Author Elias18 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Thanks! I lost control, I checked old messages, was very sentimental and thought about our good days. My body is shaking, I'm feeling depressed and I'm checking my phone whole day. The urge to contact her is beyond extremes. I think I will go jogging now, hope it will make me feel better and continue what I was doing before this great setback. I hope I will not run into her, I can't act like an alpha man if she is around. I'm a beta man and I keep whining about a breakup. Hope tomorrow will be better and I have no urge to check my phone or facebook.
Kay_29 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 That’s a big age gap... and 18yr females haven’t really found themselves she has allot of traveling/partying/etc to do... you dumped her because your intuition was uncomfortable which there’s nothing wrong with that .... Stand by your decision don’t go back on it your doing well just avoid her. You seem like you have allot going for yourself time to keep yourself busy, sometimes you have to love a person from a far and enjoy the good times you HAD with them i know i know its not easy but everything happens for a reason.... time to find someone new and move on. EASIER SAID THAN DONE ... **BUT** your out don’t crawl back because your lonely you left her for a reason.
Author Elias18 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Thanks Kay!!! I needed to hear that, my feeling was uncomfortable and sometimes I long for the good times but I know that it wouldn't work out. It was a very tough decision and sometimes I regret it. But I know I want to have a stable relationship and not beeing dumped after 2 years or so.
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