TheMink Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) I, like many of you that are probably going through a tough time. And I have been finding it difficult. The only thing that has seemed to be getting me through things has been posting on these forums and writing. I find that writing about my feelings has really helped me. I recently wrote a letter to my ex girlfriend, didn't send it to her though. Mainly because I would probably regret it eventually, and considering she has me blocked on FB there isn't really a way I could. To tell you the truth I'm only 17, and have only been in one relationship. And that may cause you to ask me what do I know about love? And the honest answer is, next to nothing. I'm young and I've got a life full ahead of me. But this was my first experience with love, and my first heartbreak. And here it is: "The first thing that I ask myself when I look back on the last 10 months of my life is was it everything that I expected and wanted it to be? And the answer to that question is, I don’t know. When I met you, everything changed, I was on cloud nine. The night that I finally built courage to text you, my life changed. The last 10 months feel like a blur since then. My life revolved around you. I had never had such a close personal friend, someone that I could share anything with, and trust. And most importantly, you trusted me. You trusted me with your deepest secrets, told me about things that had happened to you, that your friends didn’t know, things that no one knew about, not even your own mother. I admired you; I admired your strength, your courage, your courage to carry on with your life after everything that you’d been through. I was the flame that had illuminated your cold and empty heart; I made the darkness in your head fade away. And guess what? You did a similar thing to me. You were everything I could ever imagine myself desiring. In my eyes, you were flawless, you were beautiful. No matter what you did, I could never hold anything against you. But our relationship wasn’t perfect. We fought; we hurt each other, more than we would care to admit. As time passed by, I loved you even harder with each day. However, it’s now obvious that the opposite happened to you. You said you had gotten bored, that you had wanted to break up, you weren’t happy, and that you had absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with me. You just wanted to be…friends…you wanted to be...independent. I thought to myself, “this is just a phase”, she’ll realise that she’s lying to herself, “she’ll come back”. But no, one month on and she hasn’t looked back. You’ve gotten on with your life. Although I find it weird that you still found enjoyment in playing with my feelings. You found yourself a new date for your senior formal, even after saying that you still wanted to take me. I came under attack from not just you, but your friends, for doing nothing. To you I’m just a disrespectful, manipulative *******. You said I’ve changed since you met me. But the truth is, I haven’t, I’m just crazy in love with you. You’ve cut me out of your life. I want to move on with my life, not because I want to, but because I have to. I’d like to think that when you look back on this period of your life it’s with nostalgia, and not regret. Right now all I can think about are the good times. I’ll remember our first kiss, as slobbery as it was. The first time I felt up your shirt and felt like a bad person because I felt like I violated you. At the moment I need to remember the bad times but I can’t. Instead of remembering the time you faked breaking your leg and got me worried about you, I’m remembering all the fun we’ve had on your front porch. Instead of remembering all the hurtful things you’ve said I’m remembering the time that you broke down in my arms as you told me about the time someone tried to kill themselves in front of you. Instead of remembering the time that I read your FB messages and found out you were saying to a random guy that the only reason you were with me is because you don’t have anyone else, I’m remembering the time we lost our virginities. Instead of thinking about how for the last few weeks you’ve stringed me along and intentionally hurt me by finding someone else to go to your formal with instead of me, I’m remembering all the things that we were planning on doing, like cuddling in winter time, spending a night under the stars when the school year is over, planning on moving in together. I find myself asking questions like will you come back to me? Did you ever love me? Was I just an emotional crutch? What did I do to deserve this heartbreak? Will you ever say anything to me again? I know that these feelings will fade over time, and that if I enjoyed being with you so much, I can’t imagine the euphoria I will be in when I meet the right person. But no matter what you’ve done, what we’ve been through, I will always look back on this experience with appreciation and will always value this part of my life. So thank you for it. But just so you know, if you said that you wanted me back. I would be, in a heart beat." So there it is. I found it really helpful just writing about things and I'd recommend it to all of you. It may have adverse affects on you, depending on what situation you're in. Because over the last week my feelings have been up and down. I've wanted to write a hateful and anger filled letter to her, and other days I've wanted to write love letters. Whatever works for you Edited May 23, 2013 by TheMink
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